The Name Thing

The Name Thing

April 16th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm by Mrs. Toucan
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I’ve always intended on changing my name to Mr. Toucan’s. The name change isn’t exactly a new topic in the hive, but lately, as we get closer to our wedding, I’m starting to feel like I’m really going to miss my name, so I’d figure I’d write about it anyway.

I’ve always liked my own last name. It’s short, cute, and easy to sign - only 3 letters! It always fits on the “sign here” line. Additionally, I feel like my name kinda ties me to my culture. Mr. Toucan’s last name is 3 times longer than mine - 9 letters. It has lots of “hard-to-sign” letters - like “o’s” and “d’s.” I admit that I’ve practiced signing it - it doesn’t always fit on the line. Mr. Toucan’s last name is a VERY English sounding last name, and I (obviously) have not an drop of English blood in me.

Nevertheless, I had decided to change my name anyway. I wanted to have the same name as our future children (and personally, I’m not a fan of the hyphenated name). The other night, I was feeling particularly moody about having to change my name, and I picked a fight with Mr. Toucan (here, I hang my head in shame, because I will fully admit - I definitely started it). I wasn’t serious, but I told him I didn’t want to change my name, AND that I wanted the kids to have my name. If he wanted to have the same name as the kids, HE can change his name to mine (after all, that’s what he was expecting me to do, right?). He wasn’t exactly thrilled about changing his name, but said if I really wanted to keep my name and have the kids take my name, he’d support it. I later suggested that we BOTH change our names.

I’m actually a pretty traditional person, so I wasn’t serious about having him change his name or not changing mine. I guess I just wanted him to feel what I was feeling at the moment - the thought of “being someone different.” Despite everything I’ve written above, I’m really happy to be changing my name to Mr. Toucan’s. It just also sometimes makes me feel a little sad to lose my name.

Does anyone else feel this way too?

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47 Responses to “The Name Thing”

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Guest

Charmi

i have definitely done the same thing in terms of fighting! i have an insanely long name and will be changing it to a shorter name so there are some benefits but i also feel like i’ll be losing part of my identity/culture with a name change. i am changing my name because it means so much to my fiance, but i will definitely be missing my very sri lankan last name.

4/16/08 @ 3:07 pm (reply)

Guest

emily

I can totally empathize. why, I picked the same fight with my fiance! normally, I’m okay with changing my last name, but there are days where I don’t want to be “be someone different” or have a name associated with his family (especially since I’m still slightly uncomfortable around his family) or loose the name association from my family.

4/16/08 @ 3:08 pm (reply)

Guest

lorim65

I was in the same position. I decided to use my short maiden name as my middle name and I always write out my middle name. This way I don’t miss is as much but my name just got a whole lot longer!!

4/16/08 @ 3:09 pm (reply)

Member

OnlySupernova (message) 101 posts, Blushing bee

I’ve been doing the name freakout over the course of the past week. We finally compromised last night on me hyphenating legally (and I started out hating the hyphen, but it seems like at least a solution others will recognize) and him hyphenating socially.

Though it took about four hours on the phone with research and think about it intervals in between.

4/16/08 @ 3:10 pm (reply)

Guest

Becky

I was JUST having this discussion with my fiance. That he should think about how he would feel if he was expected to change his name. Mine is much more unique for this part of the country, and I love the fact that it can be traced all the way back to Norway. His was changed when his ancestors came over from Sweden, so it’s not his true family name. But it is a lot shorter (I have a 9-letter name).

I’m thinking about making my current last name my middle name so that I still get to keep it. Have you considered doing something like that?

4/16/08 @ 3:10 pm (reply)

Member

knudsonwedding (message) 234 posts, Helper bee

I had this EXACT same fight with my FI last night! And I too am just freaking out, because I’m actually happy to take his name. I just felt the need to make a point. Bridezilla moment, I guess.

4/16/08 @ 3:11 pm (reply)

Member

Majestic (message) 7 posts, Newbee

I feel sad to lose my name. Even though people constantly misspell and misprounce it. I even gain a much prettier name and I get sad about it. (see screenname- THAT will be my married name!) I’ve thought of taking my last name as my middle name, but I’m named after my mom. I have a middle name and she doesn’t so I’ve always been First L. Last. I identify with my L. I wish I could keep all 3 names and add a fourth.

I give my fiance grief all the time because my name only has four letters in it and it flows quite nicely. When I sign my name at the store, I’m like “see! short and easy!” I think I’m starting to annoying him. Anyway, I’m changing mine too and I really am excited to share a name with him.

4/16/08 @ 3:13 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Gingerbread (message) 644 posts, Busy bee

I think you bring up a great point regarding the connection between your last name reflecting your ethnicity and your soon-to-be new last name reflecting Mr. Toucan’s. When you use your new last name, some people will inevitably do double takes and if, say, you make an appointment with someone over the phone, they may make assumptions about who you will be, etc. I’ve had some interesting experiences in changing my last name and have definitely noticed some differences.

4/16/08 @ 3:13 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Radish (message) 385 posts, Helper bee

My maiden name is only 3 letters too! But I decided to keep it. I don’t know what we’ll do if/when we have kids. Maybe I’ll change it to his then?

I hear what you mean, though. Even though I kept my name, the whole marriage thing still made me worry sometimes that I would lose a part of myself somehow. I’ve always been really independent!

I was afraid that I would start being “Mr. Radish’s wife” in other people’s eyes, and that I would just be living vicariously through him or something. Or that people would credit him with any of my future accomplishments. It’s silly, really…. I know.

And none of that has happened anyway. Everything is pretty much the same.

4/16/08 @ 3:14 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

beth

I remember having the same feelings when I got married. My maiden name was of my Filipino heritage (I’m 1/4 from my paternal grandfather) and I always loved my name. My married name is Italian, and I am 0% Italian, so it still cracks me up when people assume I’m Italian based on my name. But, I’m happy to say that I’m now completely and totally attached to my “new” name, and especially now that we have kids, I have no regrets. My SIL kept her name and people wonder if she’s the step Mom of her kids since their names are different! My identity is “my” family now (husband and kids), whereas when I was 25 and planning my wedding, my identity was still rooted with my parents. I’m convinced that when you look back, you’ll feel the same way. (In case you’re wondering, I’m a lurking vendor, LOL.) Best wishes!

4/16/08 @ 3:16 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

moderntype

TOTALLY! I mourn my last name all the time to my friends. FI agreed to let me name our first son my last name, since it fits for a first name too. This makes me a lot more comfortable changing my last name to his. My maiden name will still live on with my son!

4/16/08 @ 3:22 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

Ada

*raises hand* right here! I worry too, that changing my name will mean I lose part of my heritage. I think I am just going to add on, without hyphenating.

4/16/08 @ 3:22 pm (reply)

13.

Member

brooklynbaby (message) 21 posts, Newbee

I am 100% South Indian and I have a very South Indian last name – which means it’s long and people always mispronounce it and it doesn’t always fit in the allocated spaces on standardized forms. I’ve joked (and not joked) for a long time that I can’t wait to get married so that I can get rid of my long last name.

Well, now that getting married (he’s half-Irish, half-Italian, his last name is Italian) is becoming more of a tangible thing, I’m freaking out about losing my last name! I want people to know that I’m Indian. More importantly, I want people to know that my CHILDREN are half Indian. I actually had that same freak-out conversation you had and I think he knew I was freaking out so he took it in stride.

I don’t have a middle name so I’m making my last name my middle name, but I want to make my last name my kids’ second middle name. He thinks it’s pointless to do because it will never be used, but I think that it is valid to do so.

Well, I’m not having kids for like at least 3 years, so I guess I’ll figure it out by then.

But, I hear ya.

4/16/08 @ 3:26 pm (reply)

14.

Guest

skiv

I’m the last of 4 girls to get married. All of my sisters have taken their husbands name. Our father died a few years ago and I’m feeling really guilty that if I change my last name when I get married that it will be the end of the line.

4/16/08 @ 3:26 pm (reply)

15.

Guest

Julie

To Majestic’s point, is there really any reason why you couldn’t have four names? I know there are some huffy people at the Social Security Offices and DMVs of the world, but are we really only allowed three names? Seems silly. I plan on keeping my name, but I’m curious about this.

4/16/08 @ 3:27 pm (reply)

16.

Guest

Darla

I’m an artist and am (somewhat) established in the beginning of my career. I decided to keep my name for that reason and because I’ve grown quite attached to it over the years!
We always joke that since we both have the last names of dead presidents, whats the difference…but I definitely like my dead president name over his
And as for kids….we’ll figure that out when it happens….a LONG time from now

4/16/08 @ 3:27 pm (reply)

17.

Guest

tipperella

I can definitely empathize with you. Though I was sad to lose my maiden name as I am really close with my family and felt it was a part of my identity (not to mention I went from an “A” to a “W”), I never doubted that I wanted to for the same reasons as you said above. It felt really odd when I changed my name and I almost felt like I was lying when I said my new name to people when I introduced myself. But, it’s only been a couple months and I already have gotten mostly used to it.

I have to say though, my husband does NOT understand what the big deal is and the emotional attachment to my maiden name. I think because he can’t even begin to put himself in a place where he’d have to do that (I won’t generalize to all men as I’m sure there are some that can). He also was really excited for me to have his name.

I think over time it will be like beth said and it will be “our name” instead of feeling like I’ve taken on his.

4/16/08 @ 3:28 pm (reply)

18.

Guest

maren

I’m going to miss my old name, even though it’s rare and hard to pronounce! But I’m keeping it as my middle name; it’s tradition in my family that girls aren’t given middle names so that their maiden name will be their middle name when they get married. I plan on going by all three names though, a la Hillary Rodham Clinton.

4/16/08 @ 3:29 pm (reply)

19.

Guest

Marisa

I pick this fight with my fiance all the time. I love my M&M status that I have right now and switching it just sometimes sounds like it will suck. I bring it up to him all the time hoping he might see my side and fully knowing all along that I really will change my name to his name, but still there is this part of me that clings to my name now and leaves me just a little unwilling to give it up.

4/16/08 @ 3:30 pm (reply)

20.

Member

MissPurple (message) 56 posts, Worker bee

As a little girl I was totally hyped about trading in my 10-letter-ends-with-”ski” last name for something short and COOL. Instead, what I’m getting is an 11-letter-ends-with-”stein”. Ha ha! Oh well. I can’t complain - for this guy, I’d change my name to Supercalifragilistic.

4/16/08 @ 3:34 pm (reply)

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