Mrs. Toucan, Boston
Age and Occupation: 25, Full-time Research Assistant, Part-time Graduate Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Actuary
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: November 07, 2007
Venue: St. Catherine of Genoa, Jin Asian Cuisine Restaurant
About Me: I’m a Gemini to the extreme. On one side, I’m a girly girl. I read countless bridal and fashion magazines, and have an obsession with keeping up with the latest Hollywood gossip. On the other side, I’m a sports fanatic. Despite being a full-time bride-to be, full-time research assistant, and part-time student, I’m also a full-time Red Sox fan from spring training to October, and a full-time Patriots fan from mini-camp to February. I devote almost as much time researching my for fantasy football team as researching for our wedding!
The Name Thing
April 16th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm by Mrs. Toucan
I’ve always intended on changing my name to Mr. Toucan’s. The name change isn’t exactly a new topic in the hive, but lately, as we get closer to our wedding, I’m starting to feel like I’m really going to miss my name, so I’d figure I’d write about it anyway.
I’ve always liked my own last name. It’s short, cute, and easy to sign - only 3 letters! It always fits on the “sign here” line. Additionally, I feel like my name kinda ties me to my culture. Mr. Toucan’s last name is 3 times longer than mine - 9 letters. It has lots of “hard-to-sign” letters - like “o’s” and “d’s.” I admit that I’ve practiced signing it - it doesn’t always fit on the line. Mr. Toucan’s last name is a VERY English sounding last name, and I (obviously) have not an drop of English blood in me.
Nevertheless, I had decided to change my name anyway. I wanted to have the same name as our future children (and personally, I’m not a fan of the hyphenated name). The other night, I was feeling particularly moody about having to change my name, and I picked a fight with Mr. Toucan (here, I hang my head in shame, because I will fully admit - I definitely started it). I wasn’t serious, but I told him I didn’t want to change my name, AND that I wanted the kids to have my name. If he wanted to have the same name as the kids, HE can change his name to mine (after all, that’s what he was expecting me to do, right?). He wasn’t exactly thrilled about changing his name, but said if I really wanted to keep my name and have the kids take my name, he’d support it. I later suggested that we BOTH change our names.
I’m actually a pretty traditional person, so I wasn’t serious about having him change his name or not changing mine. I guess I just wanted him to feel what I was feeling at the moment - the thought of “being someone different.” Despite everything I’ve written above, I’m really happy to be changing my name to Mr. Toucan’s. It just also sometimes makes me feel a little sad to lose my name.
Does anyone else feel this way too?
47 Responses to “The Name Thing”
i have definitely done the same thing in terms of fighting! i have an insanely long name and will be changing it to a shorter name so there are some benefits but i also feel like i’ll be losing part of my identity/culture with a name change. i am changing my name because it means so much to my fiance, but i will definitely be missing my very sri lankan last name.
I can totally empathize. why, I picked the same fight with my fiance! normally, I’m okay with changing my last name, but there are days where I don’t want to be “be someone different” or have a name associated with his family (especially since I’m still slightly uncomfortable around his family) or loose the name association from my family.
I was in the same position. I decided to use my short maiden name as my middle name and I always write out my middle name. This way I don’t miss is as much but my name just got a whole lot longer!!
I’ve been doing the name freakout over the course of the past week. We finally compromised last night on me hyphenating legally (and I started out hating the hyphen, but it seems like at least a solution others will recognize) and him hyphenating socially.
Though it took about four hours on the phone with research and think about it intervals in between.
I was JUST having this discussion with my fiance. That he should think about how he would feel if he was expected to change his name. Mine is much more unique for this part of the country, and I love the fact that it can be traced all the way back to Norway. His was changed when his ancestors came over from Sweden, so it’s not his true family name. But it is a lot shorter (I have a 9-letter name).
I’m thinking about making my current last name my middle name so that I still get to keep it. Have you considered doing something like that?
I had this EXACT same fight with my FI last night! And I too am just freaking out, because I’m actually happy to take his name. I just felt the need to make a point. Bridezilla moment, I guess.
I feel sad to lose my name. Even though people constantly misspell and misprounce it. I even gain a much prettier name and I get sad about it. (see screenname- THAT will be my married name!) I’ve thought of taking my last name as my middle name, but I’m named after my mom. I have a middle name and she doesn’t so I’ve always been First L. Last. I identify with my L. I wish I could keep all 3 names and add a fourth.
I give my fiance grief all the time because my name only has four letters in it and it flows quite nicely. When I sign my name at the store, I’m like “see! short and easy!” I think I’m starting to annoying him. Anyway, I’m changing mine too and I really am excited to share a name with him.
I think you bring up a great point regarding the connection between your last name reflecting your ethnicity and your soon-to-be new last name reflecting Mr. Toucan’s. When you use your new last name, some people will inevitably do double takes and if, say, you make an appointment with someone over the phone, they may make assumptions about who you will be, etc. I’ve had some interesting experiences in changing my last name and have definitely noticed some differences.
My maiden name is only 3 letters too! But I decided to keep it. I don’t know what we’ll do if/when we have kids. Maybe I’ll change it to his then?
I hear what you mean, though. Even though I kept my name, the whole marriage thing still made me worry sometimes that I would lose a part of myself somehow. I’ve always been really independent!
I was afraid that I would start being “Mr. Radish’s wife” in other people’s eyes, and that I would just be living vicariously through him or something. Or that people would credit him with any of my future accomplishments. It’s silly, really…. I know.
And none of that has happened anyway. Everything is pretty much the same.
I remember having the same feelings when I got married. My maiden name was of my Filipino heritage (I’m 1/4 from my paternal grandfather) and I always loved my name. My married name is Italian, and I am 0% Italian, so it still cracks me up when people assume I’m Italian based on my name. But, I’m happy to say that I’m now completely and totally attached to my “new” name, and especially now that we have kids, I have no regrets. My SIL kept her name and people wonder if she’s the step Mom of her kids since their names are different! My identity is “my” family now (husband and kids), whereas when I was 25 and planning my wedding, my identity was still rooted with my parents. I’m convinced that when you look back, you’ll feel the same way. (In case you’re wondering, I’m a lurking vendor, LOL.) Best wishes!
TOTALLY! I mourn my last name all the time to my friends. FI agreed to let me name our first son my last name, since it fits for a first name too. This makes me a lot more comfortable changing my last name to his. My maiden name will still live on with my son!
*raises hand* right here! I worry too, that changing my name will mean I lose part of my heritage. I think I am just going to add on, without hyphenating.
I am 100% South Indian and I have a very South Indian last name – which means it’s long and people always mispronounce it and it doesn’t always fit in the allocated spaces on standardized forms. I’ve joked (and not joked) for a long time that I can’t wait to get married so that I can get rid of my long last name.
Well, now that getting married (he’s half-Irish, half-Italian, his last name is Italian) is becoming more of a tangible thing, I’m freaking out about losing my last name! I want people to know that I’m Indian. More importantly, I want people to know that my CHILDREN are half Indian. I actually had that same freak-out conversation you had and I think he knew I was freaking out so he took it in stride.
I don’t have a middle name so I’m making my last name my middle name, but I want to make my last name my kids’ second middle name. He thinks it’s pointless to do because it will never be used, but I think that it is valid to do so.
Well, I’m not having kids for like at least 3 years, so I guess I’ll figure it out by then.
But, I hear ya.
I’m the last of 4 girls to get married. All of my sisters have taken their husbands name. Our father died a few years ago and I’m feeling really guilty that if I change my last name when I get married that it will be the end of the line.
To Majestic’s point, is there really any reason why you couldn’t have four names? I know there are some huffy people at the Social Security Offices and DMVs of the world, but are we really only allowed three names? Seems silly. I plan on keeping my name, but I’m curious about this.
I’m an artist and am (somewhat) established in the beginning of my career. I decided to keep my name for that reason and because I’ve grown quite attached to it over the years!
We always joke that since we both have the last names of dead presidents, whats the difference…but I definitely like my dead president name over his 
And as for kids….we’ll figure that out when it happens….a LONG time from now
I can definitely empathize with you. Though I was sad to lose my maiden name as I am really close with my family and felt it was a part of my identity (not to mention I went from an “A” to a “W”), I never doubted that I wanted to for the same reasons as you said above. It felt really odd when I changed my name and I almost felt like I was lying when I said my new name to people when I introduced myself. But, it’s only been a couple months and I already have gotten mostly used to it.
I have to say though, my husband does NOT understand what the big deal is and the emotional attachment to my maiden name. I think because he can’t even begin to put himself in a place where he’d have to do that (I won’t generalize to all men as I’m sure there are some that can). He also was really excited for me to have his name.
I think over time it will be like beth said and it will be “our name” instead of feeling like I’ve taken on his.
I’m going to miss my old name, even though it’s rare and hard to pronounce! But I’m keeping it as my middle name; it’s tradition in my family that girls aren’t given middle names so that their maiden name will be their middle name when they get married. I plan on going by all three names though, a la Hillary Rodham Clinton.
I pick this fight with my fiance all the time. I love my M&M status that I have right now and switching it just sometimes sounds like it will suck. I bring it up to him all the time hoping he might see my side and fully knowing all along that I really will change my name to his name, but still there is this part of me that clings to my name now and leaves me just a little unwilling to give it up.
As a little girl I was totally hyped about trading in my 10-letter-ends-with-”ski” last name for something short and COOL. Instead, what I’m getting is an 11-letter-ends-with-”stein”. Ha ha! Oh well. I can’t complain - for this guy, I’d change my name to Supercalifragilistic.
Ah-ha! I knew I wouldn’t be the only one! To those of you above who are taking their maiden name as their middle name, I currently plan on doing the same. I’ve gone back and forth on this decision too, because my middle name is my Chinese given name. I suppose I could also keep that too, and just add Mr. Toucan’s name to the end, however since my middle name IS a Chinese name, it’s two characters and looks like 2 words. It’d look like I’d have 5 names! It’s a little to much for me… 
I’m about to embarrass myself-
I’ve been married before- and was glad to change my name- because of less than cordial relations with my father.
So when I divorced EX-H1, I took the maiden name back- cause no way in hell was I keeping that ***holes last name!
When I married the second time I once again changed my name- because we were having a child. The marriage ended, but I kept the last name because it is the same last name as my daughter.
- No I don’t get married for the fun of it, i just happened to be VERY young…
I’m marrying a really good guy next fall (09) who is a wonderful stepfather.
I’ve totally learned from my mistakes. And I will (once again, but for the last time) Change my name!
Darla: I hear ya! I’m a keeper as well…
Marisa: I’m ALSO an M&M…my parents were going to alliteration, so I couldn’t trade in my “M” for his “K” — it’s part of my identity!
I’m mostly Italian (thanks, Mom), but I’ve got a Scottish moniker (oy, Dad). It’s a bizarre identity situation, but I like it! 
Hyphenating or adding my fiance’s Irish name to the end would just be too crazy, and make me feel even LESS Italian. 
Post-wedding, I’ll worry about the next battle: pushing for hyphenated kids’ names (but not for a few YEARS after, at least!)
The tags on this post read “Boston Legal” Thats funny hahaha.
Anyway, I dont have anything to add to this conversation, you hit the nail on the head as to how I feel too Miss T.
My new last name is scary.
i feel ya! i went from having the same number of letters in my last name to another three letters, but now there are people with MY NEW name! it’s like i went from a unique and awesome named person to now a Jane Doe! no offense. I’m just now awesome, minus the uniquely named.
I had the same conversation, but my FI offered to change his name to mine instead. Yes, he’s serious. I don’t think I’ll take him up on it though. His family would probably be upset with me and I don’t want to deal with that!
I’m on the other side of this one — I’m actually freaked out about the name thing because our last names are so *similar* — same starting letter, same number of letters and syllables, almost the same ending. There’s a lot of my heritage in my name, and a lot of his in his name, but it wouldn’t be a dramatic change. Trouble is, my ideal solution would be hyphenating — and the length and similarity of our names makes that impossible. (well, not impossible, but silly-sounding.) I haven’t decided what to do yet; I would like to have the same last name as my kids, but I’m not sure yet if I care more about that or about keeping this part of my identity intact. It might be something I decide when the situation arises.
i know how you feel! i’ve also picked fights with my husband over this and it embarasses me to admit that. i’ve actually gone through the process of changing my name TWICE now… and both times i backed out at the last minute. i describe it as a sort of separation anxiety: i married someone with a different ethnicity than i and so it makes me sad to have to part with a name that relates me to a certain culture. also, i happen to be very proud of my academic acheivements (all attained under my maiden name) and it’s hard to know that i’ve worked so hard under one name and will have to now take on a new one.
fortunately, my husband is a patient man and understands (as best he can, anyway) how i’m feeling. i always intended to change my name when i got married, but now that i’m here, it’s a lot harder to do so! how come no one tells you that?!
in the spirit of compromise that is so advised in marriage counseling, husband and i have reached a decision. i have until our first anniversary (november 18!) to change my name. works for me. i know there’s an end in sight and it gives me time to bid my maiden name farewell.
I suppose I am very lucky. My DH and I have mutually decided that our children would have either name. If the first child was a girl, she gets my last name and the next child would be his and the next would be mine, so on and so forth. Obviously, if it was a boy, the first would be his and yadda yadda yahhhhh…
As for changing my name, he has never pressured me once nor has he ever asked about it. He shares my views in that it is not a requirement, but a formality put on women years ago (that they belonged to their men). Will I have a problem with people calling me Mrs. Tran? Absolutely not. Will I go out of my way to correct them? No way!
Your name CAN BE a big part of your identity (as it is a part of mine). Honestly, it’s what you make of it. As an aside, there are NO females in my family that have taken on their husband’s name.
I agree, Christine. For me, my last name is not a particularly large part of my identity. Since we’re both changing our names, I’m pretty happy that we’ve been able to choose a name that is meaningful to us.
I’ve written this before to similar posts, but I’m keeping my name for a variety of reasons, the biggest of which is that, well, it’s MY name. Plus, any future children will have my last name as well. FI actually said he preferred this, since he has a tough to pronounce surname that doesn’t sound so pleasant. I haven’t expressed any desire that he change his last name to mine so that we will all have the same surname and I doubt he will change his last name to mine since, well, his name is HIS name. I don’t really care either way. Names aren’t a big deal to me. I don’t feel that I need to share the same last name as my future husband in order to share an incredible bond with him. Likewise, I don’t think that if my children have a different last name from my future husband - or from myself - that it makes them any less our child. A name is just a label.
You’re not alone. I felt the same way. The only thing I can say is that over a year later - I feel much better about my new last name.
Engagements are emotional roller coasters. There are so many things that are changing in your life. It’s completely understandable that you’re having mixed feelings about the whole thing.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one thinking about this! The make my last name a 2nd middle name sounds good to me– does anyone know if it is legally possible to have 2 middle names?
I have been thinking about this even though there is not yet a wedding on the horizon (though after seven years, it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion). My last name is Scottish and P’s is English, so no real identity issues there like you have.
Right now I am campaigning heavily for us both to change our last names to Danger. He already refers to us (me, him, two kittens) as the Danger family, so I actually might win that one…
If I change my last name it’ll be taking on a new culture too… but the opposite for me. I’ll be taking a Chinese last name and going from the begging to the end of the alphabet. The idea’s getting warmer compared to how I was thinking about it at first.
Does anyone have a suggestion for how to respond when someone meets after they’ve made an assumption about what ethnicity you are by your new last name… and then they’re wrong? “Yup, I’m white”? that can’t be the best response on my part.
I’m happy to change my last name… mine is totally common, and Mr. T’s is not (but not difficult to pronounce or anything). I didn’t think I was going to have a problem at all, but recently I too have been getting a little sad about it. And yes, I admit to picking fights… “you have no idea how WEIRD it is to change my name- why don’t you change yours!” kind of thing… it is going to be strange the first time I sign it!
My fiance offered to take my name as well. I don’t have the guts - I’m worried his parents would hate us(me). We’ve tried to think of a new name for us either by combining our names or finding something meaningful but haven’t found anything that seems right. We want to all have the same name when we have a family, we just don’t think it needs to automatically be the husbands name. We’re hoping to settle on something before kids enter the picture.
I’m not changing mine! And we’ve already compromised on kids: daughters get my last name, sons get his.
Originally I thought he wouldn’t care that I didn’t want to change my (unique) last name for his (uber-common) last name, but turns out that he feels strongly about sharing the same last name. I want to keep my first, middle, and last name & add his to the end. Like Julie & lsween I wonder how that will work out when it comes to filling out legal forms. I don’t want to have a hyphenated last name.
Miss Toucan, I feel the EXACT same way. I don’t mind changing my name to his, despite the fact I like my name better than his, but I want him to realise it’s a big deal and appreciate there is some sadness in leaving your old name behind and some days it feels weird and difficult.
I am going to use Ms, not Mrs and that makes me feel a bit better about it. Which title will you use?
I’ve never liked my last name. It blends in with my fist name (two ah vowels back to back) and was teezed with a certain movie actor not governor. So I loved the idea of changing my name.
I do have to admit that now that its really almost here I am very nostalgic for it. Especially the idea of losing my family identity that way. I don’t want to make it my middle name because that name is even more important to me, but it is hard.
@NearlyMsSubrosa: I actually like using “Ms.” even now. I don’t mind the “Mrs.” term especially when used like “Mr. & Mrs.” but I think anytime I fill out a form with just my name on it, I’ll use “Ms.” still.
As a child of a divorced and remarried mother, it is an excitng prospect for me to get married and have the same name as someone in my family…It was always an odd thing growing up and never having the same name as anyone else.
At the same time, it rubs me the wrong way that it is a forgone conclusion my name will be changed. Why isn’t there more of a debate? Also, I have an irrational hatred of being referred to as Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName…what…I don’t get a first name anymore?
I have four names. I couldn’t bring myself to lose my maiden name, so I kept it as a second middle name.
Many women keep their maiden name as a middle name and drop their given middle name, but I wanted to keep ALL my names, darn it!
I had no problems with Social Security, or with the Ohio BMV (where I lived when I married) but when I moved to New York, the DMV didn’t really know what to do with two initials.
The IRS will only allow one initial for the middle, but I just picked one and always use it.
It’s only been 3 weeks, so I haven’t done much name-changing yet (certainly nothing legal) or had much time to get used to things…. But I still FREAK OUT every time someone calls me “Mrs. Hisname”! And I was happy to change my name.
P.S. On the ethnic front, I kind of like my new Asian last name because, like Miss Gingerbread was saying, it shakes up people’s expectations.
@Mags:
Hi, guys! Been lurking here for some time now, and figured this is as good a time as any to join in the fun. I plan to keep my last name, and, like some of you, I have had to ask my boyfriend how he would feel if he were the one the world expected to change his name. Luckily, that shut him up, and I have since enjoyed a gloriously pressure-free life. I am very attached to my name, and have never even considered changing it. That’s just not for me, I guess.
We have discussed hyphenated last names for the kids, and he didn’t like it all that much in the beginning. But as we live in Norway, where the legal rule is that every child takes the mother’s last name unless she specifies something else, I gently explained that the tables were turned. If “one” family name for all of us is so important to him, then we can either hyphenate the kids, or he will have to change his last name. Turns out it’s not THAT important to him…Personally, I have no problem with being married to someone I’m not sharing a last name with, it’s just not important. We’ve lived together for four years, and marriage is not likely to change how we feel about each other, name or no name. Besides, it’s quite common in Norway nowadays for brides to keep their last names unchanged, even if some old hags still do raise their eyebrows. In general, we do whatever we feel like with the whole name business; some choose to change it, others choose to keep it, few questions asked.
Just thought you’d enjoy hearing that such uncomfortable traditions can be changed. It only takes one generation of women who dare to question things they don’t feel good about.
I’m a little late in the game here to post, but I’m going to anyway. As a teacher my last name is a big part of my identity –I’m called Miss Calioc every day thousands of times. Changing my name is going to be very strange. My last name is Dutch, his is Indian. However, because my family dropped the “Van der” from in front of my last name, it is only 4 letters and it sounds Indian! We thought about hyphenating, but it sounds like a strange Indian rhyme (his is 5 letters). So, I am taking his last name. I made a rhyme to teach my students so they could learn my new name. I’m keeping my old name for the first month of school so kids don’t get lost trying to find my room! Then I will make the offical announcement at work and use the rhyme to teach the kids. My principal asked me what my new last name was going to be, and when I told him he said,”oh, another short difficult to spell and difficult to Pronounce last name — I was hoping you were going to make it easy on me and marry a Smith!”
