Mrs. Pineapple, Pittsburgh
Age and Occupation: 24, Graphic Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Student Affairs Administration
Engagement Date: August 4, 2007
Wedding Date: October, 2008
Blogging Since: April 14, 2008
Venue: The Rivers Club
About Me: Being a transplant from sunny south Florida I am learning to live with all four seasons while playing with our cat collective, line dancing, and doing a ton of DIY projects for our wedding (seriously, like a thousand)!
Long Distance Relationships
April 21st, 2008 @ 4:06 pm by Mrs. Pineapple
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When it came to asking my bridesmaids to stand for Mr. Pineapple and I at our wedding, I didn’t do anything cute. I really wish I had, it didn’t even occur to me. In fact, I was only able to ask one in person. Of the 5 bridesmaids in our wedding, only one lives in the same state as I do. My two very best friends from childhood live in West Palm Beach and Orlando, Florida. My sister and maid of honor lives in Chinatown, Manhattan. My bestest friend from college lives in Boston. Leaving Mr. Pineapple’s dear friend from college the only lovely lady within arm’s reach.
At first, I didn’t think it was really a big deal. All the girls were very excited about flying in to help me shop for my gown and coming up again for a party weekend and the wedding. I felt guilty, knowing they would have to buy so many plane tickets for my big day. I love them all dearly and they know I would do the same for them in a heartbeat.
As the planning continues I miss them so much. I didn’t realize what it would feel like to bounce ideas about ribbon and candles off of Mr. Pineapple. He cares, but he trusts me and my judgment to the point where I don’t get much constructive feedback. I want my friends here to say “Oh gees, that is going to look a little strange, don’t you think?” or “Oh! How about using satin?!” My super crafty mother is also 1250 miles away. I call her anytime I get an idea and she gives me a few more, but I wish I could be with her and go to the craft store with her, wedding plan with her.
I have dubbed a few of my local friends honorary bridesmaids, including Jacki who is so sweet and offers to help in any way and Michael (also a groomsman) who is helping me scout out creative folks in his work field. I still feel bad asking for help from them, and guilty that Jacki won’t be in the wedding. My other friends are all male and wonderful, but not into “wedding stuff.”
All of these long distance relationships are why I began blogging. I wanted to have a forum where I could show my friends and family my ideas and get some feedback. They are also what lead me to Weddingbee, a dream resource for a bride seemingly going at it on her own.
Does anyone else feel alone in the planning process? Any suggestions on how I can include my ladies in the planning without burdening them?
32 Responses to “Long Distance Relationships”
Yes! We have a few new friends in Vancouver who are awesome, but I hesitate to be too bridal with them. I was so happy to at least have my mom up here once before the wedding. Weddingbee is my surrogate family 
Boy, I’m right there with you and have no solutions, sorry! My MOH is in Paris, my other BMs in Virginia and Los Angeles, my only ‘local’ Atlanta BM is moving to Tucson next month and my mom is in Northern California! The blog is a great idea, and I’ve given them all my passwords for theknot, etc, so we can all pick out images and post them, but it’s just not the same. Hopefully someone else has some great ideas for us?!
I feel your pain. My MOH lives in NY (I’m in MN), and my other 4 bridesmaids are all 4 or 5 hours away. My mom is 5 hours away as well, and I don’t really have any female friends in town.
I wish I had some suggestions for you. Email, blogging and the phone have been lifesavers for me, but it’s just not the same as having someone there with you.
For sure, I feel your pain! I am living 4000 miles away from my wedding location, friends, and family….and it does feel a bit lonely not having “my girls” around to dress shop, and gab with me. I have learned to lean on my “local honorary BM’s” and they have been wonderful. One went dress shopping with me! It’s not the same, but I have just been corresponding with my BM’s and Mom via email and emailing LOTS of photos! We chose the BM dress after a weeks-long emailing session with dresses from various websites. It does feel like I am missing out on a major part of the planning process by going it alone…but that’s okay.
I completely feel your isolation–most of my BMs live in/around where the wedding will be, with the exception of one who lives in my current town, and my MOH who is in…Cairo. And when she’s not in Egypt, she’s at Oxford. I’m lucky if I see her once a year these days. But honestly? I needed her to be the MOH and I only really care about her showing up on that one Saturday–anything else is just bonus.
As for including without burdening, I’d say just be honest and frank with them–say you need help with X and you’d love it if they could chip in, but if they can’t/don’t have time/etc., it’s no big deal. BMs do want to help, but often they don’t know what needs to be done–sometimes being specific helps, but also respecting the fact that they’re not going to be as invested in the day as much as you are can help you maintain the right balance between shouldering everything yourself and demanding too much of others around you.
Between FI and me, not a single member of our wedding party lives near us. The closest is about an 8-hour drive away. I actually didn’t think I’d miss my girls as much as I have — I’m not very “girly” about most things, for one thing, and for another, I was lucky enough to have my MOH fly in for a dress shopping weekend (and to have another friend happen to be in town two weeks later when I decided to buy). But the closer I get, the more I miss them. I would have loved to have my friends there to give feedback on my hair trial, rather than e-mailing pictures later. And I would love to have a few more hands around to do all the DIY projects I’m working on. E-mail, phone calls, iChat, and blogging have helped, but it’s not really the same as having someone there to coo over me at my dress fitting.
I’m in the same boat, too. I’m actually surprised by how hard it’s been to not have my best friend joining me on errands and being able to bounce ideas off her at a moment’s notice. I know she’s disappointed to have never seen my dress and be distant for so much planning, too.
I haven’t really found a solution either. We email photos and links back and forth. But mainly, I have relied on my mom (who’s *only* two hours away) to be my go-to gal.
The best part is when you are down to 6 weeks until your wedding and everyone rants and raves and bitches about what a control freak you are and how you are insane and have “serious mental problems” because you are tackling all your wedding projects by yourself.
Um, hello? Anyone else notice that my closest bridesmaid is still a 7 hour drive away? Of COURSE I’m doing everything myself because my wedding party isn’t here, and nobody has donated frequent flier miles to get them out here!
I know how you feel!
One of my BM’s is moving literally across the country in the next week… I don’t feel alone yet, but I feel guilty that she won’t be able to be involved as much as the other girls.
I also feel guilty about burdoning her with having to come down for a variety of events.
A few weeks beck we went dress shopping together, just the two of us… I wanted her to be a part of my dress buying experience. I was really special to see her being the first to see me in a wedding dress.
Yeah, I feel alone in planning a lot of the time. That’s why I’m glad I’m a blogger on weddingbee now.
My mom seems unenthusiastic because she is too overwhelmed with her own life issues to be of any real help to me. My FMIL is just busy working 60 hours a week. My sisters (BMs) are kind of noobs to the whole thing and I don’t think they understand that being a bridesmaid means helping. Plus, they are in college and busy with stressing out over college life-drama.
Strangely, my two adult BMs aren’t all that into it either. I rarely get feedback from one of them and sometimes I think my MOH just gets sick of listening to me talk about my wedding. She had major regrets about her wedding and I think she’s feeling a bit weird watching someone else plan.
So I feel really alone in a lot of my planning and I’m stuck bouncing ideas off of Mr. Cherry Pie because I don’t think anyone else cares. 
But, like I said, I LOVE being a blogger here because it’s like having a virtual planning committee + a bunch of bridesmaids!
I’m totally in a similar boat! I have two bridesmaids on the other side of Michigan from me (with my, also ultra-crafty Mom), then one in Chicago (who’s going to be travelling all summer, which was when I was originally planning on doing dress shopping!) and another in southern Ohio! Plus they’re all currently still in schools, so trying to coordinate schedules is a pain in the butt. Next week the two Michigan bridesmaids are meeting me and the Chicago-based ‘maid in Chicago for a week of dress shopping/bachelorette party-ing. Yeah, we’re really early (today marks 10 months until the wedding), but it’s about the only time I can get MOST of us together to do ANYTHING!
To add to all of this, the fiance and I are planning on moving to New York this summer, spreading all of us even further apart! I think I’m going to go crazy when it comes time to start assembling invitations, etc, as I won’t have the awesome slave labor assembly line workers that some of the Bees have had!
Someone who knows what I’m going through! I’m all alone in the midwest while all 7 of my bridesmaids are scattered across the east coast. All 7 of the groomsmen are also not anywhere nearby. And to make matters worse, my fiance took a new job in New Jersey in January (it’s a good thing in the long run and what we both want) so I’m ALL BY MYSELF doing the wedding planning! This weekend my fiance is coming back for a visit — the first we’ve had with each other in a month — and the whole weekend is packed full of vendor appointments. I have no idea if we can even get all 7 of my bridesmaids together for a shower/bachelorette party/anything at all, and it’s making me quite sad. Of course, we’re all really busy (2 medical residents, 2 med students, 2 college students, and 2 new moms), so I understand, and that’s life, but like you, there just isn’t anyone I can call up spur-of-the-moment to chat about ribbons. Instead, I save up as much as I can for the times when I will see a bridesmaid or two (like going home and seeing my younger sisters) and then doing as much as I can with them (even if it’s just bouncing ideas off of them) during those times. It’s definitely trying, but of course in the end it will work out. I just didn’t realize that I don’t have any girlie friends out here — and I can only talk wedding for so long with my guy friends!
I’m in the same situation as well, and I’m sort of relieved (don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for all of you as well!) that I’m not the only one. I stayed in the city I went to college in, and so did my FI. He’s from three hours away, me from five, and the only members of the bridal party we have here are on the verge of moving 6+ hours away! My only friends here are guys, and have absolutely no interest in wedding planning at all, except to tease me about how girly I’ve gotten being into it.
It’s really been hurting me, because two of my BM are artists, and I miss having them to bounce every visual aspect of the wedding off of. What’s been working for us so far are weekly email sessions, I post links, bounce ideas off of them, and they bounce them back with yay, nay, or how about this…. I take lots of pictures, store lots of links. It works, but it isn’t the same as having your best friends by your side for every indecision over invitation themes and colors.
totally agree with what everyone else has said. I was pretty on my own for most of it, but Mr. BRS was super involved.
As someone who has been the sort of “honourary bridesmaid” for a lot of Mr. BRS’s friends, I would suggest that you maybe give her flowers (even just a sprig) and mention her in the program. She no doubt understands, but it’s a nice way to honour all the work she’s done, and support she’s given.
Miss Pineapple,
It seems we have a lot in common! Three of my bridesmaids (two of which are my sisters) are in West Palm Beach, another (my FSIL) is in Orlando, and the last is in NYC, leaving me with… well… no one to “run things by” since I am currently living in Texas. I completely understand how you feel and I was literally nodding at the computer screen when I read about sharing wedding details with the groom-to-be. We love them, but it just isn’t the same! I have been relying on the telephone & email, and I’ve even created a “Bridesmaid Newsletter” so that I can feel like my favorite girls are in the loop. I’m planning a trip home in June to look for a dress and spend some quality time “talking wedding” with family and friends. In the meantime, I too have adopted some honorary BMs that I run things by when I feel the need to discuss wedding-ish things. Here’s to surviving our long distance relationships! Good luck!
groans: “oh heaven, yes”
my FI is in your city while i plan a wedding nearly 900 miles south. my best friend is in Houston TX. another bm is in Philly. a few are mere hours away but the one solitary bm that i have in the citywhereilive barely calls or answers emails.
sigh…….
i feel very alone. if it wasn’t for forums such as these, i dont know what i would do with myself.
Omg, I broke into tears lasts night because of this exact issue! My bms are spread out all over CA and one of them may not even be in the country next year (when our wedding’s going to be). I’m one of those people that hate to burden others so I try not to bring up or ask for help on wedding stuff even though I have a need for this type of support. My FI is already sick of talking about wedding stuff, my mom is deceased, I have no sisters or close cousins to bounce ideas off of. I had no idea that there would be others in the same boat and somehow that makes me feel less alone.
Wow, I am so glad I wrote about this topic. You all have a wonderful understanding about what it is like. I love the idea of doing something for my honorary bridesmaids and I have some things up my sleeve…
I suppose it makes sense that we are all here, acting as each others support and idea super engine. Thanks everyone for making weddingbee such a great resource!
If any of you are in my area and want to talk wedding for a thousand hours and consider satin over silk, I’m here. 
I planned my wedding mostly on my own as well. My mom lives 300 miles away and my bridesmaids lived some distance away as well-and my husband is one of three boys, no sisters, so there was no help there either..LOL! It can defintely be a bummer. I used email and chat rooms extensively to keep everyone in the loop, share ideas, pics, etc. It did help!
Oh I haven`t really started planning yet and while my Maid of Honor is with me now (here in Tokyo) I am going back to Brisbane next month for a year…
In fact my fiance and I will be apart for 2 and a half months while he finishes up his job here in Tokyo so that he can come to Brisbane with me. The wedding will be in Brisbane next May. It will be the first time we have been in a long distance relationship in almost 2.5 years (We spent 10 months apart when i went home to finish my degree)
I have 3 bridesmaids (well 2, plus a maid of honor) one in London, one in Tokyo and the other in a remote town in Australia nowhere near where I am. Fiance`s groomsmen are all here in Tokyo also.
I will be doing most of the planning alone, or with my mum. I am lucky that once I get back to Brisbane she will be close by!
Thank god for email!
i never thought it would be so difficult being so far away… my mom’s on guam, my bms are in san francisco, seattle, the o.c., and hawaii. add to that i’m moving back to d.c. from l.a. in june (where my fiance and i lived before i moved here for grad school), and will be planning the november hawaii wedding from there. my indecision about my dress has been weighed down further by the fact that my mom and grandma aren’t around.
there are little things that make the difference though, my bms in honolulu, sf, and la have gone dress shopping with me (in their respective cities), and i keep everyone in the loop with a little pdf every once in a while. i wrote descriptions of each of my bridesmaids on the website, so they can get reacquainted. i want to write more descriptions of my family members and the groomsmen.
as far as planning goes, lucky for me, my extended family a wedding machine (flower arrangements, graphic design, processional music, djs…), but the hard part will be figuring it out over the miles! (not quite there yet….)
I google notebook everything, and share it with anyone who is interested, that way I am not forcing things on them, but they can be as involved as they desire. My blog has been my biggest source of help thus far, as I build up a community of “friends” I always have someone to turn to if I need it.
The thing that strikes me the most about reading these responses is how everyone seems so dependent on others. As I already commented above, I’m a 7 hour drive from my closest bridesmaid. My parents are further away, and I’m getting married in my fiance’s hometown — a city where I have never lived, and had only visited five or six times before deciding to get married there. I’ve done all the planning on my own — and as nice as it would be to have a bridesmaid, I’ve learned to enjoy the time alone.
Rather than complain that you can’t go dress shopping because nobody will fly out to where you are — go on your own! Can’t decide between silk or satin? Do what YOU think looks best! I’ve learned over time that this is my opportunity to put something together completely on my OWN, and I can’t begin to imagine how amazing it will feel on the day of the wedding when I walk in and know that this is 100% me and my ideas — nobody helped me to make the escort cards, nobody was there to help me design or silkscreen my invitations, nobody helped me decide on my flowers, nobody came with me when I went dress shopping. Of course there is email and you can send pictures, but my wedding will be the vision of nobody but my fiance and me — and how many times in your life do you get to do something that is all you?
Girls, learn to enjoy your independence! Yes we all wish we were closer to our friends and had someone off of whom to bounce ideas, but since we don’t — learn to love doing things on your own. Dress shopping by myself? Not so bad at all once I started. Just go out and try it and be independent! We don’t need someone else to validate our thoughts, we can make our own decisions.
I know exactly how you feel. I have only one real friend in the area (she will be a BM) and all of my other BMs, including my sisters live in different parts fo the country. One is even in Japan. My Mom and all my Aunts live at least 4 hours or more away so I can’t even pull them in.
@julieulie: It isn’t about not being able to make decisions on your own. It is about missing your friends. My bridesmaids are my best friends in the entire world, I love them dearly. They are the girls who went prom dress shopping with me and made scrap books with me. It is so much fun to craft and shop with these girls and I miss them and know they would make wedding planning even more fun than it already is, not simply validate my ideas.
my husband and i ended up doing almost all of the planning ourselves. i had bridesmaids in DC, NY, IL, and Pittsburgh while I was in NJ. i actually had somewhat of a breakdown about a month before the wedding b/c even though my bridesmaids all said they would help, it was difficult b/c they were far away. plus, only my SIL had even been in a wedding before, and none of them knew how they were supposed to help.
if i was going to do it all over again, i would have spent some time talking to each bridesmaid about their duties, esp my MOHs (i had 2). it wasn’t until i was blubbering that my MOHs realized how much i was putting into the wedding, being pretty much a DIY bride and preferring friends to help than my in-laws (who were fabulous help, i didn’t appreciate it enough until close to the wedding). i think the distance makes it that much harder, b/c they’re not involved every day and so there isn’t that much “connection” to the wedding.
a lot of brides on here use newsletters - i did email updates, and i think that helped all of us feel a bit more involved with the wedding and each other. however, i did always make it seem like i was stress-free, when i should have gone to them in the times it wasn’t.
E-mail and photos!!
My girls are out of town too. I tried to plan things around them a bit, for example, my MOH is a teacher in North Carolina (I’m in Michigan) so I planned a bunch for her spring break week - the shower, the bachelorette party, hair makeup trail - so she could be there and only fly in once - at a time she would have probably come home anyways!
And I sent tons of pics of my ideas by email! Picking colors, bridesmaid dresses, shoes, gown, everything!
Also - I visited them. I went to see my MOH and we looked at bridesmaid dresses. I went to see a couple of my other girls and we’d get bride magazines and eat peanut butter m&m’s till our stomaches exploded.
Yes, wedding planning is definitely less thrilling when you are doing it without friends and family. I’m in France trying to plan everything by myself (fiancé isn’t so interested)! I would love to get ideas and opinions from mom & bridesmaids but of course everything here is so foreign to them (and in Francais)! And yes, there’s email, but it’s not the same!!
Not one of my bridesmaids lives in the same state - one is a dancer on a cruise ship, so she literally lives in the middle of the ocean, making even phone convos a challenge. I created a wedding website on Wedshare and within that site is a password-protected page for “Bridesmaids Only” (they have one for the guys, too). We use it like a blog…whether it be posting pictures, venting, telling stories, discussing colors, etc., it has been an awesome tool for all of us. No one is ever left out of a conversation and people can look/add/reply on their own time. It has been a lifesaver for me since I truly value all of their opinions and want them as involved as possible!
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