Wedding Blog

I’m completing my last rotation before I graduate from Optometry school in a Veterans Hospital. My passion in my field is kiddos, so I was pretty sure before I started that I was going to hate this particular placement. And to be honest, I will be happy to get back to what I love. But in the meantime I have to say I’ve met some pretty interesting old guys!

Out of the hundreds of patients I’ve seen in my six months here, maybe only 4 or 5 have been women. And I’d say the average age of my patients has been around the 70-year mark, with a fair share of 80 and 90 year-olds. So sure, a lot of them are grumpy, a lot are really sick, and a lot have way too much to worry about in their own lives to get into a conversation with their bumbling student intern about her upcoming nuptials. I know it’s not all rainbows for these guys, a lot of whom have lost their spouses or never married, so I’m never one to bring it up. But I have been totally shocked that there are a fair number who either notice my engagement ring- or inquire about my singleness for one of their grand (or great-grand!) children- and ask me about myself.

Each time that I’ve gotten into a conversation with one of them about marriage, it’s been so cool. Without a single exception, they’ve been excited, supportive, and ready to impart their hard-earned wisdom to me. I especially love it when one of the veterans is accompanied by a wife who joins in the conversation. One of my favorite examples was a 88 year old man who was accompanied by his adorable- also elderly- wife. He entered my room and introduced her as his girlfriend, to which she laughed, (I’m sure having heard the joke before), and said I had to promise not to tell his wife, since she’d been his “girlfriend” for 60 years! Just yesterday I saw a patient, who at 86 was getting ready to celebrate his 65th wedding anniversary, “this coming September 21st”. How cool that he was proudly anticipating the day (and knew the date!) already.

So whenever I get the chance, I ask these husbands what the secret is. What’s the key to such a long marriage? Some of my favorite responses are about affection- yesterday’s veteran told me the importance of kissing his wife every night before he goes to bed. I’ve also heard that it’s crucial to hold hands in public, as a way to announce to the world- the cute lady over here? she’s definitely taken. Then there’s the popular ‘never go to bed angry’ mantra.

In my totally scientific research on the subject of advice though, I’ve found that mostly the old men fall in one of two categories. The first is what one elderly man with seventeen great-grandchildren told me when I asked him what the secret to his long marriage was- “Communicate. There’s no sense keeping anything from your best friend”. The other camp disagrees. Yesterday’s veteran (of war, and of 65 years of marriage) told me the key was to, and I quote: “Button. Your. Lip.” He said that he always thinks long and hard before complaining or bringing something up that would stir the pot. In fact, in watching his 5 children’s marriages (3 or 4 were on their second or third marriages), he thought they made too many comments back and forth and spoke their minds too often. He had found that he was better off letting his wife think she was right most of the time, even if he thought otherwise.

Mr. Tiramisu and I fall on the communication side of the line. He knows what I’m thinking almost all of the time, because I tell him, and he does the same. He is really my best friend, so I have a hard time keeping anything from him. I really think that keeping each other in the know about what we’re thinking has been the most important aspect to our relationship in our seven years together so far. You’ll have to ask me again though in 50 or 60 years if I feel the same way!

Which do you think is more crucial to building a long-lasting marriage? I was quick to say communication, but there is probably some merit to limiting criticism or complaining to when it’s really necessary. Speak up - or don’t - what do you think?

(image source 1, 2)