Wedding Blog
Budgets are always part of the wedding-planning equation. The budget is a necessary evil and, without a doubt, the major determining factor in the majority of wedding-related decisions. But along with the logistics of how much lighter your pockets will be after paying for all the wedding expenses, I have also found that others don’t hesitate to let you know what they think about your wedding dollars and cents (or, rather, sense).
We are having a wedding with close to 200 guests and I realize how lucky we are to have the financial support of our parents to make the wedding and all of the events surrounding it happen. But at the same time, we are, by no means, having an extravagant, lavish, six-figure kind of wedding. Our parents have been really great throughout the process and have not made things at all painful when it comes to money discussions. They have been generous and reasonable about everything.
What it really boils down to for me is that how much money we (meaning Mr. Cupcake and me, and our parents) are spending is ultimately our choice, and no one else’s business.
But on more than one occasion, people have made it clear to Mr. Cupcake and I that they think large weddings are a waste of money — one person told us that the money spent on a very nice wedding that we attended “could have fed a lot of hungry people.” Ouch. (We never even specifically mentioned that it was an expensive wedding — we just said it was a beautiful wedding, which I guess translates to “dripping in money.”) I have also picked up on a few eye-rolls and sarcastic comments about wedding costs from people who may or may not know us well — their comments are not necessarily directed at us or our wedding in particular, but of course it’s hard to not take it a little personally. Judgments like this upset/annoy me because:
a.) how much we choose to spend on our wedding (and how we spend our money in general, for that matter) is our own business
b.) some of the judgmental comments have come from guests who will be attending our wedding and I feel like they’ll be judging/disapproving the entire time
and
c.) they’re assuming that people who spend money on things like large weddings aren’t also capable of giving to those in need. Why can’t someone spend money on material things and also give to others?
While I understand that the money spent on a wedding does seem to disappear quickly and it could certainly be spent other ways, I also think it’s okay to splurge on the most important day of our lives. And let’s not forget that we’re supporting some talented vendors (and the struggling economy) in the process. Is that so bad?
Some of us truly just want to celebrate our wedding day with the people we love the most in the world and treat them to a really great, memorable party.
Have you had to deal with questions regarding your wedding budget? How do you deal with it?
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We’ve had to deal with this to some extent, though it’s never been malicious. My mom’s side of the family is on the more frugal side of things, and while I know they would never, ever make me feel badly for how much we’re spending on our wedding, I choose not to discuss it with them (or anyone, for that matter) simply because I know they would exclaim at the price tag.
Honestly, for a Bay Area wedding, ours is a steal. It’s going to be fun, touching, and (I hope) beautiful. And honestly, the fact that we’re going to have all of the people we love in one room together is priceless to me.
So basically, pooh-pooh to the pooh-poohers 
I have run into this problem quite a bit, and I’ve found that it usually comes the most from the people I hardly know. I wouldn’t mind so much if it were coming from my parents or close family relatives because they usually chime in but mostly because they are concerned about me…but when it comes from people I hardly know, it just starts to feel like they are just trying to make you feel bad about what you’re spending. Theres one person in particular who likes to make me feel bad about what we’re spending ALL the time…the thing is I haven’t even told her what I’ve spent on anything, she just assumes or has “heard through the grapevine”. My take on this is, you are right, it is your one special day that you will never get to have again so why not make it just that, your one special day? What you spend is nobody else’s business. And the funny thing is, the ladies (it’s usually the ladies) that judge are the very ones who I believe deep down wish they could have as beautiful a wedding as yours.
Money talk, especially with weddings, is so hard sometimes! We have honestly avoided speaking about it with anyone and, luckily, not many people have tried to pry into how much we are spending. We are very fortunate to be having my parents pay for the wedding, and my Dad can be rather intimidating, so I think that might be why people stay out of it.
What we really care about is making sure that everyone leaves saying, “Man, that was a really fun wedding.” I just want everyone to enjoy the day as much as we will.
I am having the same kind of reaction but from FI’s family! They don’t have the money to contribute to the wedding and have made suggestions of places to have it that are about 40% less than where we would like to have the wedding. Though I appreciate their suggestions it is completely not my taste and how I pictured my day. FFIL went so far as to call my father and tell him how stupid he thinks everyone is for not choosing the place he showed us and wasting the extra money. This definitely hurts. So the worry about having guests there not appreciate the event is a sentiment I can relate with. At least you have the support of the whole family!
I agree with Ruth. I think judgment usually comes from people who are just negative because they’re envious in some way.
Mr. Canary and our parents are also lucky in that both families are contributing to the wedding (as well as ourselves). Most of our friends and family know that weddings are pricey and haven’t commented on money. Instead, we’ve got lots of people who are just plain excited for a fabulous party.
A few friends who have already had their wedding have come out and asked me what my budget was. So rude. You should splurge on whatever you want, if you have $500,000 or $5,000 to spend then that is your choice. This is the one day it is about you and your future husband, it should be about the two of you and people will judge because they always do but ultimately it is your day!! People are just so negative these days it seems.
We haven’t received criticism for how much we’re spending directly, but indirectly we’ve received criticism for lots of other wedding decisions — that are closely tied to budget (aren’t they all?). These include: the location of our wedding, why we aren’t inviting more people, why we aren’t having a bigger wedding party, why we’re only inviting the wedding party & immediate family to the rehearsal dinner, etc, etc.
actually i’ve had reactions from both sides. Some are like OMGGGG, you could travel the world 3 times with what you’re spending. On the other hand, some are like… when I get married, I’m going to rent out a huge white tent with all these crystals and lighting and build my own ceremony platform. So I never win, some say I’m overdoing it while others think I’m being cheap. I’m nice most of the time but sometimes, I just want to say… well then YOU do that when it’s YOUR wedding.
Thanks for this post. It seems as if no matter what we’re doing, it’s always too much or too little (and in many cases, both!). It’s good to know that others are in this boat as well.
We’re limiting our wedding to $5,000 (for 65 guests), and I STILL get family and peers telling me that its too much.
You just have to treat their comments like what they are…opinions. Some opinions have merit (maybe parents, siblings or other elders) and some should be discarded immediately.
I think that wedding spending is just one of those contentious topics…like gun control and abortion. Everyone has a strong opinion and a compulsion to share it.
Ultimately its up to you and your fiance and what you can afford given your incomes and family support.
Nosy busybodies! I feel your pain, but quite frankly it isn’t any of their business how you spend your money. This is the US and you can drive a VW or a Ferrari…you have the freedom to do what you like with your money, and wedding expenses are no different. You can tell them that you are doing your part to help stimulate the economy. Be strong and try not to take the digs personally.
Great post, Cupcake! I agree this is such a tricky subject. I’ve been surprised to hear so many comments from people on both sides of the issue… as in “WOW I can’t believe you got such a great deal!” and “WOW I can’t believe you’re spending so much!” both said about a single thing. Everybody spends their money differently, and I don’t think anyone has a right to judge or comment negatively about it.
People are definitely envious. My family is very well-off (including myself, money that I’ve WORKED for) and we are planning quite a lavish wedding because we both are from huge families and have lots of friends. I used to post on theknot.com but I had to stop because of nasty comments from other brides. They acted like they were upset because we were being soooo wasteful, but you know what? It was only the brides who had a shoestring budget and list of things in their profile that they would have if they had more money that said anything.
And we do donate a lot to charity every year, the generous amount of expensive and delicious food that will be left over from the reception is already allotted to be transported to a soup kitchen, and we intend to adopt children in the future.
Just ignore the idiots.
It is so natural for people to want to be involved in other’s financial affairs. But it is also really annoying! I have friends that have tried to give me financial advice without me asking or them knowing the entire situation. Some people make me feel guilty for every little thing I buy because I “have a wedding to pay for.” I’m sorry that I need a nice pair of black shoes but that $40 is not going to break the wedding budget for Pete’s sake!!
Then there are the people that judge the money that we are spending and they are mostly the people that had weddings with a more limited budget. I know that I am lucky to have the financial support of my family and FI’s family so don’t make me feel guilty about how I choose to spend the money.
Unfortunately, many people (sadly, Ruth’s right - it’s generally women) think it’s fine to pass judgment on other people, and while wedding related stuff is bad, I’m afraid this may just be practice for having kids.
I’ve heard too many stories from mama-friends of mine about complete strangers walking up to them and telling them what they’re doing wrong: while pregnant, or with their little kids. As much as the criticism of our wedding stung (and there were seriously 2 complainers out of 120 guests, so we’re pretty happy about the party we threw), I’m not sure if my skin is thick enough for someone to criticize my eventual babies… that’s going to be tough to deal with.
My parents have been resisting my venue of choice because they know that many family members and members of our community will judge us for being so “extravagant” with the wedding. I have done some really extensive research on wedding costs, and I know that I have my priorities in order and I am not attempting to plan some kind of “Platinum Wedding”
My parents have always been the kind of people who keep their spending habits to themselves, they never like to be flashy with the things they have or the way they spend their money (as in when we go on vacation we hardly tell anyone because we don’t want to be bragging) It has been difficult for them to imagine an event where they are on display a little bit. I know that everything will end up being beautiful in the end, and after it is over all of those criticizers will be really happy they had the chance to be a part of it.
People shouldn’t comment on what you’re spending, but at the same time, I think for the most part a lot of American weddings are disgustingly consumerist and total resource sucks that are horrible for that planet. So when I watch wedding shows or read blogs where brides talk about having 10,000 pieces of special paper for placecards, menus, programs, etc. and flowers flown in from all over the world, I do shudder and come home and complain about it to my fiance/friends. That being said, you can spend whatever you want and do what you want .
The only person really commenting on what I’m spending on my wedding is my MOH, and she has no idea what I’m spending. I’m sure she spent much more than I am on her wedding, but she keeps saying nasty things like “Oh, when did you win the lottery?” and “Must be nice to have all this money to spend on useless things” My FI and I make good money, but I’m a complete budget shopper. We are doing a destination wedding for 30, a honeymoon in disney, and an at home reception for 120 for under $20K including honeymoon, all travel, gifts, attire for everyone and spa day for all the girls, rings, everything. I personally don’t think I’m spending too much, and neither does my FI, and it’s really not anyone else’s business.
Like some of the other posters have said, it’s all relative. My DH and I were the first kids on either side to get married, so our parents had their 1970s weddings as points of reference. They thought we were being extravagant for not doing a potluck or having just cake and punch! We spent about $8K for our wedding, for reference, although we didn’t share numbers with anyone who wasn’t contributing.
Wedding budgets should be personal, but for me they do come up a lot with other friends getting married who are looking for good deals and ideas. It’s always awkward asking a friend “how much did you pay for that?” but at the same time, how else will we bargain hunt?
For people who think weddings are a waste of money and resources, don’t forget that you can go “green” and choose more environmentally friendly options. We are also making a donation to an animal rescue shelter in lieu of favors.
Ugh, this is a tough topic. I tried to keep things to myself especially that we had a wedding planner because I didn’t want the judgement on what we were spending.
We just went to another wedding this weekend where a “friend” of ours told us what some of our other friends spent on their wedding and then asked how much we spent on ours. We declined to give HIM any number as it’s just none of his business.
Thanks for bringing this up. For asian weddings, you HAVE to do the asian banquet, so for reception meal alone, can be upwards of $50 per head times 450 heads…
I believe that everyone should spend within their own means - and no one should say otherwise. I had a bridesmaid make comments about the elaborateness of my wedding, and it hurt my feelings so much, we don’t talk anymore. Oddly enough, it was those comments from closest to me which were rude.
I think a lot of it comes from the struggling economy and housing market decline. I’ve asked many friends how much they spent on their weddings, mostly to help me budget and also decide whether it’s worth spending that amount. A few of my friend’s regretted having an expensive wedding (even tho parents paid for most of it) - they would have preferred to use that money as a down payment on their home and take out a traditional safe mortgage. I don’t think anyone should judge but some pple may have good intentions when asking about your budget.
Well said Miss Cupcake! My FI and I had to make our RH decision Tuesday night. I am allergic to decision making in general, so a big decision like this really had me stressed and on top of all the RH considerations I was even more stressed because I could hear all the comments I am expecting about the RH we chose. It is nothing super extravagant, but it is nice and a little on the formal side which I am expecting some people will see as not “practical”. I agree with everything you said though. I am a bargain shopper and never buy anything not on sale. I do not own expensive shoes, clothes, or bags and we do not spend lots of money on huge vacations… so if I want to splurge for once in my life I think this is a darn good occasion to do so!
This reminds me of what happened when I chose a private college over the state university. I was on the receiving end of charming comments like “must be nice to have rich parents” or “don’t you feel guilty for bankrupting your family?” or “do you know how many starving kids you could feed for a year’s tuition at that place?” What made it doubly annoying was that these people had no idea what they were talking about. I got a great scholarship from my college — 4 years at my college cost me much, MUCH less than what 4 years at the state university would have cost.
People are always going to have opinions on what is and is not worth money. But if it’s not their money, it’s not their business.
I just wanted to add that some families and social circles are more open to talking about money. We don’t discuss things like salary in my family, but some of my friends will flat out tell me what their raise was. So I think part of the well-intentioned money nosiness may come from people who regularly talk about those type of things, and don’t necessarily see it as uncomfortable or rude.
Money talk is never fun - be it about weddings or anything else. If you have the money to splurge on certain things, by all means SPLURGE. It’s your money and you can do what you want with it. If you want an outrageously expensive wedding and can afford it - DO IT.
I had a pretty meager budget, so we planned ahead what was important and what was unimportant and were able to easily stay within our budget. If I had more money, I probably would have upgraded certain things - but I know the day will be wonderful regardless of the money spent.
My fiance always deals with those types of people with very tongue-in-cheek responses like, “Yes, I’m an extremely selfish person - and I’d have it no other way.” Usually, peeps realize that things like this are not so black and white (either feed the hungry or have a wedding).
My response is to usually point out that big weddings are not normally such a selfish thing - as in our case, we’re having a big wedding because I can’t imagine omitting several family members and close friends from sharing this day with me. We’re having a big party for EVERYONE, not just for us. It may be in our honor, but the majority of the money spent is so that all our loved ones can have a fabulous time. That’s not too selfish, is it?
whoah, as far as people who are actually attending choosing to be judgemental: then why are they coming!? they do realize their own attendance adds significantly to the expense, right? are they upset that EVERYONE ELSE has been invited… should you have only invited them to save money?
gosh, people are rediculous. i am sorry you have to deal with all these questions and judgements.
People are so tacky. I would tell them to stop being so rude and worry about their own wedding!
What I think is unfair is the judgments that people made to you. It could go either way; you spent too much, or you’re too frugal, etc. I think the best thing to do is to be fully aware of your purchases, to be conscious of why you’re spending on things and to make sure they align with what you truly love (and not because you’re supposed to). So that no matter what comment you get, whether too frugal or too extravagant, you can shrug it off knowing that YOU know why you’ve decided to spend your money.
I’ve definitely found that during this wedding process, I am more sensitive to judgments and comments from others, and that people feel they can just say anything to you without considering your feelings. So the best thing to do is to truly know where you stand, and so long as you do, their opinions won’t matter as much 
I feel you on this…
We’ve had similar problems, and since we’re on “misgivings,” I’d like to add… why do people question WHY they are invited to a wedding? Shouldn’t you feel honored and happy that you were invited, instead of asking why and wondering about ulterior motives? Why is it that when doing my guestlist I had to think about people’s reactions when they received my invitation in the mail? That should NOT be a part of any bride’s stressors during wedding planning.
I’ve actually told people this, that weddings are a huge waste of money. I do really believe that. That’s why it’s been hard for me to plan my own wedding, because if I had my way I’d go to city hall then go for some drinks with my nearest and dearest. Alas, my fiance insists we have an actual wedding. He says “that’s the way it should be.” To me, it really is a waste because the money that’s going towards this one day could go towards a down payment for a house that, now, I may never get to own.
While I feel this way, it really shouldn’t matter to you. You should do whatever is going to make you happy. You’re the one who’s going to have to live with having that experience, not all the nay-sayers. There will ALWAYS be someone who’s going to criticize what you choose to do that day no matter how spectacular you think your wedding is and no matter how much money you spend. That’s just the way that people are.
It is so difficult to deal with money issues, no matter what the topic, but people shouldn’t rain on your parade. Unless they are contributing, they have absolutely no say in the matter. Chances are good that they don’t have perfect information anyway - what may look lavish could be the result of a DIY effort at a fraction of retail cost. Others just don’t have the time/energy for a DIY wedding, so spend the money to have it how they want. If that doesn’t make others happy, the others should have enough manners to keep it to themselves, especially if they are invited guests! Seriously rude.
My FI and I had planned on paying for the wedding ourselves, but had a bit of Bay Area sticker shock. Thankfully, his parents are in a position to help out a bit and are paying for the venue (which they love and is convenient for them as it is walking distance from their house). We are incredibly grateful, though it has been weird to talk about things with my family, who isn’t in a position to contribute financially. That said, mom is super crafty and is donating her time and talents to make my veil and also to sew out of town bags and help with the other decorations. It is so completely meaningful to me to have her participate in that way…
This is a great post, Cupcake. I can completely sympathize…I’ve had people make hurtful comments to me about the (assumed) cost of my engagement ring, where we’re having the wedding, etc. Its hard not to take it personally because a wedding IS such a personal thing. We all work so hard during the planning process and intend for the day to be an expression of ourselves, so its hard to take when someone judges you so harshly (especially when it comes from family members). I wish I had good advice to give but mostly I am just commenting to commiserate. At least you know you’re not alone
Oh goodness! Amen to this post!
I’m so happy you laid it all out there. This is fantastic! My hubby and I penny pinched everywhere we could but still had the occasional splurge for a few things we truly wanted for our wedding. Come on… his family background is Scottish, so of course he is frugal BUT that didn’t mean we wouldn’t spend a little more for our wedding day then a typical dinner and a movie. This was a BIG and meaningful day for us and we wanted all our family and friends there to celebrate in our shared joy. You go Miss Cupcake! Go have your beautiful wedding exactly the way you want it to be. By the way… to the person who made the “could have fed a lot of hungry people” comment… I’m one of those hungry people! haha! My work is now my livelihood and Miss Cupcake is putting food on our table! Hooray!! Thanks sweetie! Thank you for supporting local artisans, designers, and all the other wedding folk! Talk to you soon. -myra :: twigs & honey
Oh goodness! Amen to this post!
I’m so happy you laid it all out there. This is fantastic! My hubby and I penny pinched everywhere we could but still had the occasional splurge for a few things we truly wanted for our wedding. Come on… his family background is Scottish, so of course he is frugal BUT that didn’t mean we wouldn’t spend a little more for our wedding day then a typical dinner and a movie. This was a BIG and meaningful day for us and we wanted all our family and friends there to celebrate in our shared joy. You go Miss Cupcake! Go have your beautiful wedding exactly the way you want it to be. By the way… to the person who made the “could have fed a lot of hungry people” comment… I’m one of those hungry people! haha! My work is now my livelihood and Miss Cupcake is putting food on our table! Hooray!! Thanks sweetie! Thank you for supporting local artisans, designers, and all the other wedding folk! Talk to you soon. -myra :: twigs & honey
Oh goodness! Amen to this post!
I’m so happy you laid it all out there. This is fantastic! My hubby and I penny pinched everywhere we could but still had the occasional splurge for a few things we truly wanted for our wedding. Come on… his family background is Scottish, so of course he is frugal BUT that didn’t mean we wouldn’t spend a little more for our wedding day then a typical dinner and a movie. This was a BIG and meaningful day for us and we wanted all our family and friends there to celebrate in our shared joy. You go Miss Cupcake! Go have your beautiful wedding exactly the way you want it to be. By the way… to the person who made the “could have fed a lot of hungry people” comment… I’m one of those hungry people! haha! My work is now my livelihood and Miss Cupcake is putting food on our table! Hooray!! Thanks sweetie! Thank you for supporting local artisans, designers, and all the other wedding folk! Talk to you soon. -myra :: twigs & honey
oops! 3 too many clicks… go ahead and delete the two extra Miss Cupcake!! I must have been “that” excited! hahaha!
Thanks, all, for relaying your own experiences and sharing some advice! It’s clear that money-related judgments is something that many brides deal with. It’s so unfortunate that others feel the need to put in their two cents regarding our big day finances, when we put so much heart and time into planning our day (beyond the money!). Whether people are jealous or just plain cynical, there’s no denying that it’s a downer to hear all the negativity! Here’s hoping we’ll all be able to stick up for ourselves and put the naysayers in their place And, ultimately, enjoy the most important day of our lives!
The day after the wedding when we were basking and discussing how lovely it was someone asked me if I were offered a lump sum of the cash that was spent on the wedding would I take it instead of having the wedding. So rude!
LA—I totally agree with you. I too, believe that weddings are often excessive. That said, I would never say that to anyone who is planning their wedding because that would just be rude! However, in defense of someone who holds my point of view, I wouldn’t just assume that someone is jealous. It may just be that they have bad manners!
I have also gotten lots of comments about how “wasteful for the environment” our wedding is. I think it’s ridiculous that people assume that we aren’t doing everything possible to have a green wedding when we going far, far more out of our way than the average person in our everyday lives to recycle and use natural composts and other earth-friendly things. I really do think they’re just looking for some outlet for the green-eyed monster. (Haha…green)
I’m guessing these are the same people that fervently believe that only Republicans create trash and that Al Gore’s private plane runs on sunshine and rainbows.
While I’m not planning a wedding, I am planning a big 18th birthday celebration for my little sister for next year. (But I frequent this blog for its DIY ideas, which I love…and being a graphic designer myself, I love all the other graphic designers who contribute to this blog).
Many people have shaken their finger at me for spending any money on such an event, chastising me for squandering money instead of giving it to her for a college education. I understand the thought and have even considered it, but at the end of the day, I don’t want her to have the 10-15 thousand dollars for a college education (not because I don’t want to) but because I want her to work hard at getting a college education like I did, balancing work and school at the same time (and having paid off my student loans in 2 years after graduating). It was a great learning experience for me and made me appreciate being poor.
And really this event would be a celebration of our family and what we’ve been through…
…just like this is a celebration of your love and your new union.
So let the naysayers say what they may. This is your special day.
PLUS if some of your “guests” are SO worried about your finances, why didn’t they decline your invitation, which in turn brings your guests count down, letting you spend whatever it would have cost you to have them there on something more noble like feeding a country?
Are you spending THEIR money? If they want to judge our spending, would they like it if we got our their receipts and scrutinized their spending habits? I’m sure they have quite a few questionable expenses that we could say aren’t “charitable” or whatever else they suggest that our money should go towards.
I apologize for being so angry, but I had something like this happen to me: one of my guests wrote me an email saying, “I didn’t feel the need to impress others or show off personal wealth by having a big, extravagant wedding like you are, rather, I chose to celebrate cultural and ethnic diversity by getting married in Hawaii.”
I was so offended, but I wrote her back saying, “Obviously, you misunderstand the purpose of my wedding, which is a celebration and a time of happiness, not an attempt to one-up someone.”
I didn’t have a snarky comment for her, but at least I replied.
I like to chat, and sometimes this gets me into trouble, especially when I offer too many details. When I shared that my fiance and I were paying for part of the wedding and that we needed to save alot, and not go out as much; a friend said “oh, yeah that’s why as soon as I met (her husband) I told my mom “you better start saving,” implying that my family did not take the job of paying for a wedding seriously. It bothers me when people assume they understand a person’s financial situation. Or, even if they do, it’s definitely not their place to comment on why or how you choose to spend money on such an important day.
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Mrs. Cupcake, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 27, Graphic Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Construction Project Manager
Engagement Date: February 10, 2007
Wedding Date: September, 2008
Blogging Since: December 7, 2007
Venue: The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA
About Me: Mr. Cupcake and I hit it off at a Halloween party and immediately began a long-distance relationship. After two years, he moved to my neck of the woods, and a year and a half after that, he proposed at the “place we fell in love.” I am a true perfectionist who enjoys designing and creating more work for myself, so wedding planning is my perfect outlet. Mr. Cupcake and I are both old souls, and we hope to weave that aspect of our personalities into our wedding day.
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