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Budgets are always part of the wedding-planning equation. The budget is a necessary evil and, without a doubt, the major determining factor in the majority of wedding-related decisions. But along with the logistics of how much lighter your pockets will be after paying for all the wedding expenses, I have also found that others don’t hesitate to let you know what they think about your wedding dollars and cents (or, rather, sense).
We are having a wedding with close to 200 guests and I realize how lucky we are to have the financial support of our parents to make the wedding and all of the events surrounding it happen. But at the same time, we are, by no means, having an extravagant, lavish, six-figure kind of wedding. Our parents have been really great throughout the process and have not made things at all painful when it comes to money discussions. They have been generous and reasonable about everything.
What it really boils down to for me is that how much money we (meaning Mr. Cupcake and me, and our parents) are spending is ultimately our choice, and no one else’s business.
But on more than one occasion, people have made it clear to Mr. Cupcake and I that they think large weddings are a waste of money — one person told us that the money spent on a very nice wedding that we attended “could have fed a lot of hungry people.” Ouch. (We never even specifically mentioned that it was an expensive wedding — we just said it was a beautiful wedding, which I guess translates to “dripping in money.”) I have also picked up on a few eye-rolls and sarcastic comments about wedding costs from people who may or may not know us well — their comments are not necessarily directed at us or our wedding in particular, but of course it’s hard to not take it a little personally. Judgments like this upset/annoy me because:
a.) how much we choose to spend on our wedding (and how we spend our money in general, for that matter) is our own business
b.) some of the judgmental comments have come from guests who will be attending our wedding and I feel like they’ll be judging/disapproving the entire time
and
c.) they’re assuming that people who spend money on things like large weddings aren’t also capable of giving to those in need. Why can’t someone spend money on material things and also give to others?
While I understand that the money spent on a wedding does seem to disappear quickly and it could certainly be spent other ways, I also think it’s okay to splurge on the most important day of our lives. And let’s not forget that we’re supporting some talented vendors (and the struggling economy) in the process. Is that so bad?
Some of us truly just want to celebrate our wedding day with the people we love the most in the world and treat them to a really great, memorable party.
Have you had to deal with questions regarding your wedding budget? How do you deal with it?
We’ve had to deal with this to some extent, though it’s never been malicious. My mom’s side of the family is on the more frugal side of things, and while I know they would never, ever make me feel badly for how much we’re spending on our wedding, I choose not to discuss it with them (or anyone, for that matter) simply because I know they would exclaim at the price tag.
Honestly, for a Bay Area wedding, ours is a steal. It’s going to be fun, touching, and (I hope) beautiful. And honestly, the fact that we’re going to have all of the people we love in one room together is priceless to me.
So basically, pooh-pooh to the pooh-poohers 
I have run into this problem quite a bit, and I’ve found that it usually comes the most from the people I hardly know. I wouldn’t mind so much if it were coming from my parents or close family relatives because they usually chime in but mostly because they are concerned about me…but when it comes from people I hardly know, it just starts to feel like they are just trying to make you feel bad about what you’re spending. Theres one person in particular who likes to make me feel bad about what we’re spending ALL the time…the thing is I haven’t even told her what I’ve spent on anything, she just assumes or has “heard through the grapevine”. My take on this is, you are right, it is your one special day that you will never get to have again so why not make it just that, your one special day? What you spend is nobody else’s business. And the funny thing is, the ladies (it’s usually the ladies) that judge are the very ones who I believe deep down wish they could have as beautiful a wedding as yours.
Money talk, especially with weddings, is so hard sometimes! We have honestly avoided speaking about it with anyone and, luckily, not many people have tried to pry into how much we are spending. We are very fortunate to be having my parents pay for the wedding, and my Dad can be rather intimidating, so I think that might be why people stay out of it.
What we really care about is making sure that everyone leaves saying, “Man, that was a really fun wedding.” I just want everyone to enjoy the day as much as we will.
I am having the same kind of reaction but from FI’s family! They don’t have the money to contribute to the wedding and have made suggestions of places to have it that are about 40% less than where we would like to have the wedding. Though I appreciate their suggestions it is completely not my taste and how I pictured my day. FFIL went so far as to call my father and tell him how stupid he thinks everyone is for not choosing the place he showed us and wasting the extra money. This definitely hurts. So the worry about having guests there not appreciate the event is a sentiment I can relate with. At least you have the support of the whole family!
I agree with Ruth. I think judgment usually comes from people who are just negative because they’re envious in some way.
Mr. Canary and our parents are also lucky in that both families are contributing to the wedding (as well as ourselves). Most of our friends and family know that weddings are pricey and haven’t commented on money. Instead, we’ve got lots of people who are just plain excited for a fabulous party.
A few friends who have already had their wedding have come out and asked me what my budget was. So rude. You should splurge on whatever you want, if you have $500,000 or $5,000 to spend then that is your choice. This is the one day it is about you and your future husband, it should be about the two of you and people will judge because they always do but ultimately it is your day!! People are just so negative these days it seems.
We haven’t received criticism for how much we’re spending directly, but indirectly we’ve received criticism for lots of other wedding decisions — that are closely tied to budget (aren’t they all?). These include: the location of our wedding, why we aren’t inviting more people, why we aren’t having a bigger wedding party, why we’re only inviting the wedding party & immediate family to the rehearsal dinner, etc, etc.
actually i’ve had reactions from both sides. Some are like OMGGGG, you could travel the world 3 times with what you’re spending. On the other hand, some are like… when I get married, I’m going to rent out a huge white tent with all these crystals and lighting and build my own ceremony platform. So I never win, some say I’m overdoing it while others think I’m being cheap. I’m nice most of the time but sometimes, I just want to say… well then YOU do that when it’s YOUR wedding.
Thanks for this post. It seems as if no matter what we’re doing, it’s always too much or too little (and in many cases, both!). It’s good to know that others are in this boat as well.
We’re limiting our wedding to $5,000 (for 65 guests), and I STILL get family and peers telling me that its too much.
You just have to treat their comments like what they are…opinions. Some opinions have merit (maybe parents, siblings or other elders) and some should be discarded immediately.
I think that wedding spending is just one of those contentious topics…like gun control and abortion. Everyone has a strong opinion and a compulsion to share it.
Ultimately its up to you and your fiance and what you can afford given your incomes and family support.
Nosy busybodies! I feel your pain, but quite frankly it isn’t any of their business how you spend your money. This is the US and you can drive a VW or a Ferrari…you have the freedom to do what you like with your money, and wedding expenses are no different. You can tell them that you are doing your part to help stimulate the economy. Be strong and try not to take the digs personally.
Great post, Cupcake! I agree this is such a tricky subject. I’ve been surprised to hear so many comments from people on both sides of the issue… as in “WOW I can’t believe you got such a great deal!” and “WOW I can’t believe you’re spending so much!” both said about a single thing. Everybody spends their money differently, and I don’t think anyone has a right to judge or comment negatively about it.
People are definitely envious. My family is very well-off (including myself, money that I’ve WORKED for) and we are planning quite a lavish wedding because we both are from huge families and have lots of friends. I used to post on theknot.com but I had to stop because of nasty comments from other brides. They acted like they were upset because we were being soooo wasteful, but you know what? It was only the brides who had a shoestring budget and list of things in their profile that they would have if they had more money that said anything.
And we do donate a lot to charity every year, the generous amount of expensive and delicious food that will be left over from the reception is already allotted to be transported to a soup kitchen, and we intend to adopt children in the future.
Just ignore the idiots.
It is so natural for people to want to be involved in other’s financial affairs. But it is also really annoying! I have friends that have tried to give me financial advice without me asking or them knowing the entire situation. Some people make me feel guilty for every little thing I buy because I “have a wedding to pay for.” I’m sorry that I need a nice pair of black shoes but that $40 is not going to break the wedding budget for Pete’s sake!!
Then there are the people that judge the money that we are spending and they are mostly the people that had weddings with a more limited budget. I know that I am lucky to have the financial support of my family and FI’s family so don’t make me feel guilty about how I choose to spend the money.
Unfortunately, many people (sadly, Ruth’s right - it’s generally women) think it’s fine to pass judgment on other people, and while wedding related stuff is bad, I’m afraid this may just be practice for having kids.
I’ve heard too many stories from mama-friends of mine about complete strangers walking up to them and telling them what they’re doing wrong: while pregnant, or with their little kids. As much as the criticism of our wedding stung (and there were seriously 2 complainers out of 120 guests, so we’re pretty happy about the party we threw), I’m not sure if my skin is thick enough for someone to criticize my eventual babies… that’s going to be tough to deal with.
My parents have been resisting my venue of choice because they know that many family members and members of our community will judge us for being so “extravagant” with the wedding. I have done some really extensive research on wedding costs, and I know that I have my priorities in order and I am not attempting to plan some kind of “Platinum Wedding”
My parents have always been the kind of people who keep their spending habits to themselves, they never like to be flashy with the things they have or the way they spend their money (as in when we go on vacation we hardly tell anyone because we don’t want to be bragging) It has been difficult for them to imagine an event where they are on display a little bit. I know that everything will end up being beautiful in the end, and after it is over all of those criticizers will be really happy they had the chance to be a part of it.
People shouldn’t comment on what you’re spending, but at the same time, I think for the most part a lot of American weddings are disgustingly consumerist and total resource sucks that are horrible for that planet. So when I watch wedding shows or read blogs where brides talk about having 10,000 pieces of special paper for placecards, menus, programs, etc. and flowers flown in from all over the world, I do shudder and come home and complain about it to my fiance/friends. That being said, you can spend whatever you want and do what you want .
The only person really commenting on what I’m spending on my wedding is my MOH, and she has no idea what I’m spending. I’m sure she spent much more than I am on her wedding, but she keeps saying nasty things like “Oh, when did you win the lottery?” and “Must be nice to have all this money to spend on useless things” My FI and I make good money, but I’m a complete budget shopper. We are doing a destination wedding for 30, a honeymoon in disney, and an at home reception for 120 for under $20K including honeymoon, all travel, gifts, attire for everyone and spa day for all the girls, rings, everything. I personally don’t think I’m spending too much, and neither does my FI, and it’s really not anyone else’s business.
Like some of the other posters have said, it’s all relative. My DH and I were the first kids on either side to get married, so our parents had their 1970s weddings as points of reference. They thought we were being extravagant for not doing a potluck or having just cake and punch! We spent about $8K for our wedding, for reference, although we didn’t share numbers with anyone who wasn’t contributing.
Wedding budgets should be personal, but for me they do come up a lot with other friends getting married who are looking for good deals and ideas. It’s always awkward asking a friend “how much did you pay for that?” but at the same time, how else will we bargain hunt?
For people who think weddings are a waste of money and resources, don’t forget that you can go “green” and choose more environmentally friendly options. We are also making a donation to an animal rescue shelter in lieu of favors.
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Mrs. Cupcake, Philadelphia Age and Occupation: 27, Graphic Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Construction Project Manager Engagement Date: February 10, 2007 Wedding Date: September, 2008 Blogging Since: December 7, 2007 Venue: The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA About Me: Mr. Cupcake and I hit it off at a Halloween party and immediately began a long-distance relationship. After two years, he moved to my neck of the woods, and a year and a half after that, he proposed at the “place we fell in love.” I am a true perfectionist who enjoys designing and creating more work for myself, so wedding planning is my perfect outlet. Mr. Cupcake and I are both old souls, and we hope to weave that aspect of our personalities into our wedding day.
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