Wedding Blog
Not long after we booked both venues, the band and the caterer, Mr. Cream Puff told me that he thought our wedding was “too grand.” He was having a mini-freak-out about the size of our wedding, and it caught me totally off guard. To me, our wedding is pretty modest–we’re aiming for 130 guests. Apparently Mr. Cream Puff would be more comfortable with a smaller wedding–think 20 people–and he didn’t tell me until we’d already put down a bunch of deposits.
So I had a mini-freak-out. After all, this wedding should be representative of both of us, not just of me. However, we were in a position monetarily where we would lose out on thousands of dollars if we backed out for a smaller wedding. And the fact is, I’m not sure how we could get our guest list below 120 people, period. My family + Mr. CP’s family = 109 people, and that’s with none of our friends–not even those closest to us. We are both very close with our families, and the idea of leaving any of them out seemed like pure tragedy to me.
I consulted my friend Kathy, who was recently married. She told me that her husband-to-be had a very similar freak out before their wedding. She reassured me by telling me that her husband eventually got over it and actually started to look forward to the wedding.
Sure enough, every now and again I catch Mr. CP getting genuinely excited about the wedding. Until yesterday, that is, when we got into our first wedding-related argument, when he said, once again, that the wedding is too big. And what was our fight about, you might ask? It was about the groomsmen’s tuxes, which seems like a really stupid thing to get into an argument over.
I have been pretty laid back about the wedding (at least I think so). At first, I didn’t even care what the bridesmaids wore. I told Mr. Cream Puff’s sister (one of the bridesmaids) that I thought they should all get black dresses that they could wear again. She and FMIL Puff convinced me that the bridesmaids needed something with more color. It wasn’t until I realized how horrible a bunch of different colors could look together that I moderately managed the dress situation–and even then, I told them to choose their own dresses and choose from 7 colors that looked good together.
I delegated the tux situation to Mr. Cream Puff. He started asking me questions: “Two buttons or three buttons? Notched lapel?” I told him I didn’t care, as long as they all matched.
And then today, we got into our argument over whether or not “matching” means all the tuxes are black, or all the same style. I’m sure you can probably guess who thought “matching” meant all black, but possibly different styles.
In any case, we’re over it (hopefully). But it got me thinking. A few girls on my local message board have mentioned the wedding-related fights they’ve gotten into with their fiancés. One girl very nearly called off her wedding during one of them. Mr. Cream Puff and I are no strangers to arguments, but we haven’t had any (besides this tux one) related to the wedding at all. I realized that until this point, he really hasn’t had too many opinions about anything, and he hasn’t been involved in the wedding planning. Which got me curious about the following things:
First, how many of your fiancés are actively involved in the wedding planning? Are they as into it as you are? And second, have you fought a lot about wedding related decisions?
|
Share this post: The Uninvolved Fiance
Barely involved. He blames it on the fact that he is finishing up med school. And he thinks ours is too big also (250) which it is but I have a large family. Once I told him how special I thought it was to have all of these people, who are so important to us and have helped make us who we are now, in the same room together for us….I mean how often will that ever happen. He agreed that this was pretty cool. Everyone and a while he gets involved, but not often. I remind him every once and a while how much work it is and every once in a while he is very suuportive of that. But not always. But gotta love ‘em. 
FH and I had a fight about tuxes this weekend too. Although… ours was about going to pick them out. I suggested we go this past weekend, while we had time, so he could select the style. He said he thought it was “too soon” to do that. I argued back that he had no idea what “too soon” was since I’ve been planning this whole thing, and he has no clue about deadlines for this stuff.
I’m having my BMs in black dresses of their choosing. I suggested the GMs wear their own black suits. But, it turns out only one of the guys already owns a black suit. Then FH decided he’d rather all the GMs match (wth? I thought brides were the ones that were supposed to be obsessed with matching. wonder why the role reversal?). So now we’re on to tuxes, since suits are harder to rent.
my FI and i rarely fight but when it comes to the wedding, i do sometimes feel like i am walking on egg shells. we’re very different people… i’m an anal planner and he is a relaxed living for the day type of guy. he has told me before that he doesn’t have much of an opinion when it comes to the wedding, so i could do whatever i want… but to at least consult him on the bigger ones.
when i told him that the restaurant we want is booked on the date i wanted (1.5 years in advance), he still told me it was too early to start planning. if it were up to him, we would not start planning until the day of the wedding. i expressed some concern with him the other night… but we quickly changed topics and brushed it under the rug because I wanted to respect his feelings too.
to my delight, last night, he told me, he was driving to work, and realized “we’re getting married!” and he got a little bit excited. i don’t know why, but that just makes it all worth it for me. by nature, he is a super private person who only lives for the day and is somewhat commitment phobic… but for him to make that comment (whether it is true or not), really meant the world to me.
i appreciate that he’s willing to at least pretend that he’s as excited as i am even though i know he truly does not care about the color scheme or e-pics. i know the day itself will be meaningful for him, but i realize, it is just against his nature to ever be excited about “planning” anything. im trying not to take it too personally anymore. i know he loves me, involved or not.
wedding planning can really test a relationship but compromise and understanding goes a long way.
I’ve completely lost track of the number of fights we’ve had over the wedding. It all came down to me feeling overwhelmed and shouldered with all the planning, he felt overwhelmed and had no idea how to be involved. It’s forced us to be very deliberate with our communication.
FI’s very involved. I do a lot of the research then we discuss the options. I love to hear his opinion and discuss how we can reach a compromise.
As for the wedding being too big, my dad had that freak out. He can’t believe we are having a “production”. We’re inviting around 120.
My fiance is more involved than I hear most guys are (he goes to all the appointments and has opinions and is making our invites mostly himself), but he’s definitely NOT as into it as me!
As far as fights go… the answer is “YES!”… As that I get more wrapped up in things than he does, sometimes he needs a wedding planning break, whereas I love all this planning (aka obsessing), and sometimes he just needs a week/weekend off.
My FH is veeeeery involved and I sometimes laugh that it’s harder that way than if he had no opinion at all! Still, I look at the wedding as the first big project we’re doing together as a married/almost married couple…If we couldn’t ultimately find middle ground on flowers and linens, I’d be worried about how we’d ever raise children as a team! Not that we don’t argue/disagree — we’ve definitely disagreed more about the wedding than anything else ever. And I’ve pulled out the “I’m the bride” card once (and only once). I’ve been fortunate that the things he has different opinions than me on have nothing to do with those big-ticket touchy subjects like the guest list or money…
It’s funny- because I design weddings for a career and it is my passion it has made planning that much easier. FI is used to hearing about weddings and the madness that surrounds them. He has learned to form an opinion and is rather informed when it comes to weddings in general. Most of our arguments have to do with the money surrounding the wedding and the scope of the whole thing. It can be a little daunting at times, but in the end it is best to step back and realize that this is just a big celebration of US…. we’ve handled it by delegating who is in charge of what. FI is responsible for chosing the music and cocktail hour menu. I am responsible for the design, dinner menu, and details. We’ve decided to collaborate on the ceremony and desserts- I think that by keeping us both involved but allowing each of us to control certain elements has really helped to make this a more enjoyable experience. I think that often I find many of the couples I deal with make the wedding a “girl thing” and loose sight of the fact that this is the FIRST time you will have ALL OF THESE IMPORTANT PEOPLE in one room…. this is the first big event that the couple will host…. and so really it is important that everyone is included in the process.
He’s involved in the things he is really interested in like the food and the music. He’s been helpfully with everything but I’ve done majority of the work. He’s been more involved then I thought he would be though.
All of out fights have been about the guest list because his side is 3x larger then mine. And with my parents paying for majority of the wedding that has caused some friction. I’ve kinda learned that with wedding planning there are some things that are totally illogical, totally unimportant and you just have to learn to forget about it and move on.
My FH has been involved from the start and has been great about not only helping out, but making decisions and giving ideas/support while also maintaining that I get the final say. I don’t feel that I should have the final say, but appreciate the sentiment. Having a small wedding is of the most importance to him, so we’ve set our guest cap at 55, strictly enforced by the venue limitations.
We’re still five months out, but haven’t fought yet. He goes to almost all the appointments and seems to be rather excited.
We’re in the early stages and my FI hasn’t really been all that involved. I did delegate the music to him. I feel like MM does sometimes, like I’m walking on eggshells and he just doesn’t want to hear about the wedding. Then I’ll see a glimmer of hope and he’ll be all proud of himself for an idea (bags in the guest rooms, cameras on the tables) and it makes me remember that he does care. He just doesn’t care what color the bridesmaids wear or what flowers are on the table. Which is fine, I’d be scared of what he’d pick anyway. As long as he’s telling me he likes/dislikes ideas along the way that’s fine with me.
OMG…I TOTALLY FEEL YOU! My fiance and I are both pretty laid back and VERY PRACTICAL…but the wedding planning has really brought out our differences, which have led to a few arguments, which I absolutely hate…but he reassures me that if I really WANT something then it means that I may have to FIGHT to get it and that I shouldn’t feel bad unless I’m being disrespectful, mean, or hateful towards him.
My fiance is JUST LIKE Mr. Cream PUff - his ideal wedding is 20-30 of immeidate family and a few friends. My best friend had the small intimate wedding and I LOVED it, but when I sat down and really thought about it, I felt like I would be disappointing so many friends/family by not including them…so my parents are paying for the reception (b/c they both have 7-8 siblings and I have a milion cousins)…and we are having a “large” wedding - but like you, it’s ONLY 100-125 GUESTS (cutting out lots of cousins that I don’t keep in touch with…and friends that I am that close with anymore).
We still have our moments…but I have to admit that he’s really changed the way I look at why the bride’s family pays for weddings. I used to say it was b/c it’s a stupid old tradition that people still cling onto for no good reason… He says it’s b/c it’s generally the bride who wants to include everyone in the wedding…if the groom’ family paid, then the groom would be happy to have a 20-30 person dinner party
OMG - SORRY FOR THE LONG POST…I REALLY COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT THIS TOPIC…
We haven’t really argued, but we can get into tense discussions when it comes to budgeting. I come from a family that has had to live on a shoestring budget and his family, while not rich, is quite comfortable (and loves their credit cards a little too much for MY comfort!). So sometimes I have to explain to him that while maybe we can stretch our budget to accomodate one extra thing, we can’t stretch to accomodate all of the “small” things he wants. It is nice that he cares about some things, I suppose, but I also wish he’d put a little more research in before deciding he “has” to have something!
However, I can feel an argument about the guest list coming on. We had a brief discussion about it early on in the engagement and he mentioned something about needing to invite his entire family of 70+ people, and OF COURSE we need to invite each and every little cousin. Our venue only holds 100 people!
Count me in! I was a wedding coordinator. My FMIL feels she needs to tell me everything I need to do. FI is laid back about everything until FMIL says it’s a big deal…then we have a ‘discussion’. FI does tell me it’s not his wedding, and that hurts. He’s been involved in every decision at every point along the way except for my dress. I am thinking it’s the guy thing to say, but he has been involved. I’d love to hear how others are coping with this!!
I think for my fiance it is hard because our wedding is about a year away and we have already been planning stuff since Feb. He doesnt think we need to be thinking about certain things but i say why not just do it now, besides my brain just doesnt work that way. I wont stop thinking about it until something is decided so why not just decide it now? And also none of my girl friends/bridesmaids live close and they have not really been responsive about wedding stuff i send them so he has to hear every little thing which cant be all that fun. But i figure it is one year of my whole life, why cant i talk about it, think about it every day for that year if it makes me happy???
We’re just getting into planning, but I’d been doing some rough planning leading up to the engagement. We had little tiny fights here and there because I viewed his apathy regarding the planning as being not excited for the wedding. When we got engaged, I wanted to delegate some tasks to him and also have him start the conversation with his parents regarding $ and that led to a more substantial argument. But we were able to talk it out and I think we understand each other more — for me, I want to plan a wonderful wedding that will be memorable for us and our friends and family. For him, his focus is just us and beyond the wedding, and not so much our guests. He is also really nervous about spending large amounts of money in general, so he assured me it wasn’t just because of the wedding. Anyway, I think we’re a little bit more mindful of each other’s buttons and we’re trying our best to be respectful of the things that we each value in the wedding process. =)
We had the same arguement about tuxes this past weekend too. FI finally decided to get involved and I told him that I didn’t care what they picked but they had to match.
He has gone to vendor meetings with me but I did all the research. Oh, he also corner punched all our invitations then started complaining that his thumb was hurting so I ended up completing the invitations on my own. GRRR.
We fought a lot at first because he thought I wanted him to be as involved as possible and we disagreed about everything (guestlist is always a sore spot).
As soon as he figured out that a) I am capable; b) happy to make decisions without him; and c) that it was all too overwhelming for him what kind of paper texture to use for the invitations (and the like), he gave up. We’re both happy now.
He is supportive and helps when I ask so we’re groovy now.
@Beckums~: I can totally relate to your comment - my fiance and I have been dealing with the same issue. I’m shouldering all of the responsibility and he’s not sure when, where, or how to step in.
It doesn’t help also that I’m a very Type A personality, so while I may TELL him he’s in charge of something, I’ll inevitably weasel my way in to get involved. Totally unconscious, but I know that’s frustrating for him.
Anyway, Miss CP, you are NOT alone. I can’t wait for the big day so the stress of the wedding can cease!
We’ve had a couple…over the weirdest thing…I’m doing some DYI… and as the control freak I am…I like to test things first and make prototypes…well our biggest argument was that I had bought the stuff for favors and I hadn’t use his money!!!
Yeah…you read it right…he wants me to use his money only! weird…
Other than that…he ALWAYS says…”whatever you want”…
My hubby told me early on that he did not care too much about the details and planning so I was forewarned not to act up in times of crisis. He took care of all the details for the honeymoon while I managed all the rest for 100 people in Austin (we live in NYC). Like you, I didn’t care too much as long as people were comfortable. I did buy the ties to match though. Mini frustrations are normal and part of the wedding experience in my opinion. It’ll all be over in no time.
My fiancee is very involved. He goes to all the meetings with vendors and has actually found a few of our vendors himself! He also is really great about making phone calls and asking questions during the day to our vendors, etc. because his work is a lot more casual and they don’t mind - my employer is a totally different story.
He’s been real great throughout the whole process and I am very proud of him. The only issue we had in the beginning was that he wanted to pay for all the tuxes, hotel arrangements, everything for our bridal party - we are paying for the wedding ourselves (and keeping it under $8K) there was NO way we could swing that…but once I showed him the prices for things, he quickly understood weddings cost a lot more than he imagined!
We listed our 5 top items of importance and channeled the budget that way as a team. He has also gone to the “fun” appointments (tastings and such), but other than that, he has not really been too involved. However, we did come up with a list of items for him to research/pay for, so we will see how that goes;)
my FI is very involved…he loves aesthetics and wants our wedding to be a grand affair. This has been wonderful in the sense that he has done half of the work and that takes a huge burden off my shoulders. however, on the other hand, he also has a lot of opinions, which sometimes clash with mine. we’ve gotten into quite a few arguments since the wedding planning began. arguments that really concerned me, since we really aren’t the fighting type. about a month ago, things came to a head. i was really tired and sad that the wedding planning had become a chore rather than fun…whereas for him, i realized it had always been a chore - he never expected it to be fun in the least. we talked it out though, and decided we were going to approach the wedding stuff with a better attitude. Since then, we’ve gotten along much better, and times that we have been close to getting into arguments, we’ve stepped back and tried to curb it before it’s blown up into anything. we’ll see how long this lasts, but i’m pretty optimistic about it!
I’ve learned the very important skill of delegation when it comes to the wedding planning–I’ve only given him one big project (arranging Pre-Cana) and a handful of minor ones (getting his mom to contact our singer, because she knows her, helping me with the favor and the registry) and it’s gone fairly well. Granted, now he’s having nightmares about the wedding due to getting yelled at by the priests and them not performing the ceremony, but overall I’ve tried not to burden him too much with anything. His biggest job so far has been letting off steam with me as we complain about what a racket all of this seems to be! 
What a great post and comments! My fiancee “pretends” not to be involved in a really sweet way. When friends ask how the wedding planning is going, he says “Great! Jenny has taken care of everything, it’s so easy for me!” It’s funny that he gives me all the credit, because he picked out our colors, our first dance song, made all the menu decisions at our tasting, and even ducked out of work early to meet our florist with me for the first time! He lets me run with any of the ideas I want to, and in return, whenever he has an opinion about something, I defer to him. It makes both of us feel good to let the other person have some things their way. I know that I am probably just lucky that we haven’t disagreed on anything major yet - but in the end, I will know that this wedding is a collaborative effort, even though he’ll think I did most of the work!
Our arguments intensified tenfold when it comes to wedding planning. Sure, we’ve had our tiffs occassionally, but they were never, ever, ever as bad as when we got engaged. We’re of two different faiths - hell, two different cultures - and our families each had a vision of what they wanted us to do. Us being family people, we wanted to please our respective parents, but in the end, it got so overly complicated and traumatizing that I don’t think I can ever look back on wedding planning as a happy occasion. My bf has been somewhat involved, but only at the point when I’m leaning towards a decison and he has last minute reservations about it. Our core arguments were/are about guests making demands for what *they* wanted (who knew they had that much pull?). T minus two months to go, and even though I’m happy, excited to be married…it’s a bit of a relief as well. :/
Right after proposing, my FI explained that in his mind, all he had to do was show up and say “I DO.” He said that he would gladly contribute to planning, but that I needed to tell him what I wanted from him. So far, that’s pretty much exactly how it’s gone. I make the apts or collect samples, and he gives his opinion. The exception is the band, which he’s gotten really excited for and is doing all himself (I think because he knows I don’t care about a band enough to do it). And ditto to other posts - he frequently thanks me for handling all the planning. He genuinely appreciates it.
The only real issue we’ve had is that his family has extreeeemely informal weddings. We’re talking the bride wearing shorts and a tank-top. Whereas, I’m accustomed to more traditional, large (huge Catholic family) weddings. We’re meeting roughly in the middle, but he and his family thinks of our wedding as “fu-fu.” 
It’s 90 people in a restaurant! NOT FU-FU!
But my heart goes out to you. Waiting until AFTER giving the deposits to tell you the wedding’s not what he pictured is SOOOO frustrating!!!
my guy is involved in the things he cares about — picking the tuxes himself, having an equal say in the big vendors (photographer, venue, caterer, invitations) — and less involved with the things he doesn’t care about but willing to give an opinion, even if the opinion is, “no opinion.” for most things, i do all the legwork — finding the venues and their prices, pros/cons — then we did site visits together and made decisions together. the only thing he truly has to do all by himself is tuxes, and honestly, he’d probably wait too long to start the process if i let him, but i know he’ll be appreciative of my timeline reminders when the time comes. i think it’s worked out well so far. it also helps that i’ve decided to truly not care what the tuxes look like — “black” is matching enough for me, as long as they all have the same vests/ties underneath — so being purposefully chill will help me, i think, even if i secretly want to take over the whole process.
I agree — great post and comments. My FI is very involved . . . he loves being known for throwing great parties, so he doesn’t want this one to be any less great! He also has about a zillion best friends and a huge family, so he was the one saying we needed to go bigger where I was the one thinking (originally) that we could do 50-70 people. I do enjoy obssessing, where he does not, so he doesn’t read WeddingBee and a ton of other wedding blogs like I do, but he’s come to every vendor meeting (except one where he was ill) and even came to check out some dresses with me. I really like that he’s so involved — though I recognize as some people have said that it can make it harder (not having executive decision making power) when you disagree!
FI is more traditional than I am, so in the very beginning of planning we did get into some knock-down drag-out fights (FI: “What do you mean you don’t want to wear a white dress? Why are you so WEIRD??!!”). But as things have gone on and we got the big things decided (what city, what time of year, how many people, plus the venues, caterer and band) everything has smoothed out a LOT. It really did get better over time (and we’ve met in the middle more than I ever expected — I decided to wear white after all b/c I love how it looks in pictures!). Like some others mentioned, FI has very strong opinions on some things that seem pretty random to me — for instance, he really wants to have a receiving line. Well — I don’t care much one way or the other, so — okay. I truly think wedding planning has helped us become much better at give-and-take and recognizing for ourselves what things are important enough to take a stand on and what things it’s fine to let the other person have their preference.
Sorry for the long posts — but I had another thought. Miss Cream Puff, you may already have done this, but I wondered if you might want to discuss with Mr. CP a little more about what he means by “too grand.” That could mean a lot of different things, I think. I know I’m definitely concerned about things coming off as too ostentatious in front of my more frugal and down-to-earth aunts and uncles. It could also mean he’s concerned about the amount of money being spent . . . I’m definitely concerned about that too (though I’m going to have to get over it, as having a wedding in SF — like seemingly all weddings — has blown my idea of a reasonable amount to spend on one party out of the water. Out of this universe, unfortunately.
Or it could mean that he wants to be able to focus on you and him and your promises to one another — rather than being one of the “stars” of a big production. I think many people, men and women, may feel this way. One or two people I’ve read posts from on Indiebride have suggested having a small, private exchange of personal vows first — either alone or in front of a few family members — and then going on to the big shebang. If that’s a concern of his, planning to do something meaningful just between the two of you could help that.
Or he could mean none of the above — or not know exactly yet what he does mean by “too grand” — but it would probably be worthwhile to you both to figure that out more.
You are NOT alone, my dear! My fiance has the exact same reservations every other week.
Of course, these same reservations alternate with the wanting of having the most grandiose wedding EVER to show off for his peeps! Here I am trying to accommodate both voices simultaneously. Yeah, I feel you on the “size matters” thing.
I’ve been going through these occasional opinionated spouts with him for the past 6 months now. I’m pretty much used to his surprisingly ninja-like opinion attacks - I never know when he’s going to have one, or where, but every once in a while - BAM! Opinion City here we come!
I just try to roll with the punches, keep him en route to the wedding we’re in contract for and attempt to do my best to make him feel that his ideas and opinions are accommodated. So far, we’re doin’ a-ok!
But oh, do I feel you on this!
My FH and I rarely fight about anything… we haven’t really gotten into any arguments about the wedding, just mutual frustration with family members and Drama (notice the capital D). He has been really good about getting involved. At first, his comment was, “I’m just going to show up on the day of our wedding; you can do everything else.” Now, he’s getting more into it, wanting to take over the “boy” things, like limos, music, food (he’s a chef, so that’s really important to him)… I think he’s having more fun with it, and I always ask his opinion before I make a decision. But, I do most of the research and he helps choose the final product.
I assume that we will get into an argument or two down the road, and I think that’s completely normal. It’s Really stressful planning the most important day of your life and pleasing everyone in the process. :o) Good luck! I’m sure everything will work out.
OMG! I LOVE this topic. My FH is not as excited about the planning process as I am. I think if he had it his way he would pay someone to make the decisions for both of us and we would just show up on the day with everything taken care of. BUT since neither one of us is a millionaire and I have been envisioning this day since forever that wasn’t going to happen. He has been a REALLY good sport about everything. He chimes in when I ask his opinion and he tells me what he likes and doesn’t like. I don’t push certain things on him because I know he just doesn’t care-and thats ok, I get it.
We have had our wedding arguments. But I think with so much stress it is bound to happen. Just know you are not alone and maybe in the end having matching everything doesn’t really matter. I mean if this is the only thing your FH has ownership over-I say let him have fun with it, at least it gets him involved and feel like he contributed something. I think in the end he will be grateful that you guys had the size of wedding that you had. Remember men aren’t programed like us-they haven’t been dreaming of this day since birth! lol.
You will have a wonderful wedding day!
:o)
I seem to start all of my fights with my mom, and since he and I only talk on the phone at nights, I am over it by then and so we never have anything to disagree over! It’s a good system. Except for my poor mother I guess.
i approach the wedding as a team effort and he would be satisfied to sit back and show up, but i wont let him.
he’s gotten off a lot bc we dont live in the same city but i delegated quite a few task to him last week and will do my best to be hands off on those things.
bc he frequently doesnt have an opinion on something, when he does, i usually got with his choice. bc i see the day as a reflection of us both and as i screamed into the phone during a rather heated argument in the beginning of our planning “I am NOT marrying myself”.
At the beginning, my FI already told me that a friend of his who just got married, warned him that we would get into fights. Therefore, he purposely told me ahead that he’ll try what he can to involve, but he really doesn’t care much the wedding. We had agree to have something simple, but day by day, I got fancy ideas, and he would ask: “I thought we are having a SIMPLE wedding”. We’ve changed our wedding plan for a few times, from a just Destination wedding to a American Wedding, now down to Destination ceremony with a Chinese banquet. And HELL YEA, we did fight! but so far, he did give out some opinions, and we didn’t get into major problems.
My fiance could care less about 99% of the plans for our wedding, so I’ve done EVERYTHING — even the things grooms are typically more interested in like entertainment, food, honyemoon even wedding rings.
Mostly, I was ok with this indifference because I have an opinion about all of this and he doesn’t. At other times I’ve felt like he doesn’t appreciate or understand all the work that goes into this — especially when we were a year or so out.
Now that we’re 6 weeks out (!), he’s paying attention and cares A LOT more — which is great. So for all of you brides who are many months away from the wedding with uninvolved/indifferent grooms, take heart! Around the time when invitations go out, he’ll start paying attention
Yeah, not involved that much. I run everything by him but he mostly just agrees. We had a fight about it near the beginning of planning and he said it was getting too big. I reminded him that the one thing we had done completely together was the guest list and he shut up!
My FH really wants to be more involved (and he does have an opinion about everything) but since he’s in the military and away for training, he really can’t be into the details as much as he’d like to. It does cause some friction sometimes and we did come close to a fight once when I was just so frustrated with his being gone but still wanting things done his way all the time..but then I’m the one shouldering all the actual planning. It’s doubly difficult because I (like others here) see planning our wedding as a fantastic first-time challenge for us as a couple and his being MIA because of the army makes it frustrating. I have to remind him that he needs to trust my opinion on certain details and sometimes I’ll change things and sometimes he’ll have to let things go.
I like that you post about the realities of getting married. Everyone always posts about really sweet things their fiancees do but we all know those are few and far between. (I mean, Mark’s sweet on a daily basis but doesn’t do anything extravagant and post-worthy.) Anyway…
I read Mark this part aloud, “Her husband eventually got over it and actually started to look forward to the wedding.” He said, “Yeah, looking forward to it being over.” *Sigh* Men! See, it still doesn’t end.
I wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not (probably half kidding), so I said, “You didn’t like the wedding?” And he said, “I didn’t say that.”
I do remember though wishing that our wedding day would never end and him saying that he was ready for it to be over since he was tired and it was a long day. I’ve accepted that our wedding day will always be more important to me than to him, but I wish he’d love it at least close to the same!
One of the things that my FI has repeated about planning our wedding is a fear that I’m too stressed about it.
But we’ve come to realize that when he sees me obsessing over little details (which I generally think is fun), he thinks I’m stressing out…
I wonder if that could be part of what your FI is getting at when he complains that your wedding might be too grand/big/elaborate?
i’ve come to realize that if there is anytime couples will fight it’s during wedding planning. I got engaged acouple weeks ago, but our engagedment is very short. We’re gonna get married in August. So theres alot of planning in a really short peroid of time. These past two weeks we’ve gotten into a handful of arguements about the wedding which is alot considering we just got engaged. Another thign that makes wedding planning stressful is there are other factors that are out of your control. For example there were expectations both of our parents had about the wedding that my fiance and i didn’t realize. They both wanted a particular person to preside at the wedding, but he is not available for the date that we set. so we were fighting about things that were completely unexpected….
wedding+ girl+ boy+family expectations+planning = stress=fights
Wow, it definitely looks like I’m not alone!! Thanks for all the wonderful comments, you guys.
[...] The Uninvolved Fiance by Miss Cream Puff [...]
My fiance wasn’t that involved but then he started seeing me get uber cranky and testy due to the pressures of the wedding, work and doing everything by myself…add house shopping and I just had a meltdown.
His comment of “well you’re almost done aren’t you?” had me snort and list off the numerous things that weren’t even touched. I think he started to understand what goes into a wedding and apparently commiserated with a friend who had been married who said “yeah it’s alot of work”…the combo has him wanting to be more helpful and to not deal with my being cranky.
He is now in charge of tuxes, the readings and music for the ceremony as we are getting married in his denomination. His colleague told him “wow that’s not easy”..has him taking it seriously and I told him we would discuss what his thoughts were when we were done.
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Cream Puff, San Francisco Bay Area
Age and Occupation: 25, Illustrator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Merchandise Planner
Engagement Date: May 27, 2007
Wedding Date: August, 2008
Blogging Since: February 7, 2008
Venue: Ceremony at Crissy Field and Reception at the Green Room
About Me: I never dreamed about my wedding as a little girl because I was too busy playing in the mud or pretending to be Martha Stewart–but now that it's here, I'm having a fabulous time DIYing everything in sight! We’re planning a very fun multicultural wedding (I'm Jewish and Mr. Cream Puff is Chinese), filled with as many personal details as I can muster.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics