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Not long after we booked both venues, the band and the caterer, Mr. Cream Puff told me that he thought our wedding was “too grand.” He was having a mini-freak-out about the size of our wedding, and it caught me totally off guard. To me, our wedding is pretty modest–we’re aiming for 130 guests. Apparently Mr. Cream Puff would be more comfortable with a smaller wedding–think 20 people–and he didn’t tell me until we’d already put down a bunch of deposits.
So I had a mini-freak-out. After all, this wedding should be representative of both of us, not just of me. However, we were in a position monetarily where we would lose out on thousands of dollars if we backed out for a smaller wedding. And the fact is, I’m not sure how we could get our guest list below 120 people, period. My family + Mr. CP’s family = 109 people, and that’s with none of our friends–not even those closest to us. We are both very close with our families, and the idea of leaving any of them out seemed like pure tragedy to me.
I consulted my friend Kathy, who was recently married. She told me that her husband-to-be had a very similar freak out before their wedding. She reassured me by telling me that her husband eventually got over it and actually started to look forward to the wedding.
Sure enough, every now and again I catch Mr. CP getting genuinely excited about the wedding. Until yesterday, that is, when we got into our first wedding-related argument, when he said, once again, that the wedding is too big. And what was our fight about, you might ask? It was about the groomsmen’s tuxes, which seems like a really stupid thing to get into an argument over.
I have been pretty laid back about the wedding (at least I think so). At first, I didn’t even care what the bridesmaids wore. I told Mr. Cream Puff’s sister (one of the bridesmaids) that I thought they should all get black dresses that they could wear again. She and FMIL Puff convinced me that the bridesmaids needed something with more color. It wasn’t until I realized how horrible a bunch of different colors could look together that I moderately managed the dress situation–and even then, I told them to choose their own dresses and choose from 7 colors that looked good together.
I delegated the tux situation to Mr. Cream Puff. He started asking me questions: “Two buttons or three buttons? Notched lapel?” I told him I didn’t care, as long as they all matched.
And then today, we got into our argument over whether or not “matching” means all the tuxes are black, or all the same style. I’m sure you can probably guess who thought “matching” meant all black, but possibly different styles.
In any case, we’re over it (hopefully). But it got me thinking. A few girls on my local message board have mentioned the wedding-related fights they’ve gotten into with their fiancés. One girl very nearly called off her wedding during one of them. Mr. Cream Puff and I are no strangers to arguments, but we haven’t had any (besides this tux one) related to the wedding at all. I realized that until this point, he really hasn’t had too many opinions about anything, and he hasn’t been involved in the wedding planning. Which got me curious about the following things:
First, how many of your fiancés are actively involved in the wedding planning? Are they as into it as you are? And second, have you fought a lot about wedding related decisions?
Barely involved. He blames it on the fact that he is finishing up med school. And he thinks ours is too big also (250) which it is but I have a large family. Once I told him how special I thought it was to have all of these people, who are so important to us and have helped make us who we are now, in the same room together for us….I mean how often will that ever happen. He agreed that this was pretty cool. Everyone and a while he gets involved, but not often. I remind him every once and a while how much work it is and every once in a while he is very suuportive of that. But not always. But gotta love ‘em. 
FH and I had a fight about tuxes this weekend too. Although… ours was about going to pick them out. I suggested we go this past weekend, while we had time, so he could select the style. He said he thought it was “too soon” to do that. I argued back that he had no idea what “too soon” was since I’ve been planning this whole thing, and he has no clue about deadlines for this stuff.
I’m having my BMs in black dresses of their choosing. I suggested the GMs wear their own black suits. But, it turns out only one of the guys already owns a black suit. Then FH decided he’d rather all the GMs match (wth? I thought brides were the ones that were supposed to be obsessed with matching. wonder why the role reversal?). So now we’re on to tuxes, since suits are harder to rent.
my FI and i rarely fight but when it comes to the wedding, i do sometimes feel like i am walking on egg shells. we’re very different people… i’m an anal planner and he is a relaxed living for the day type of guy. he has told me before that he doesn’t have much of an opinion when it comes to the wedding, so i could do whatever i want… but to at least consult him on the bigger ones.
when i told him that the restaurant we want is booked on the date i wanted (1.5 years in advance), he still told me it was too early to start planning. if it were up to him, we would not start planning until the day of the wedding. i expressed some concern with him the other night… but we quickly changed topics and brushed it under the rug because I wanted to respect his feelings too.
to my delight, last night, he told me, he was driving to work, and realized “we’re getting married!” and he got a little bit excited. i don’t know why, but that just makes it all worth it for me. by nature, he is a super private person who only lives for the day and is somewhat commitment phobic… but for him to make that comment (whether it is true or not), really meant the world to me.
i appreciate that he’s willing to at least pretend that he’s as excited as i am even though i know he truly does not care about the color scheme or e-pics. i know the day itself will be meaningful for him, but i realize, it is just against his nature to ever be excited about “planning” anything. im trying not to take it too personally anymore. i know he loves me, involved or not.
wedding planning can really test a relationship but compromise and understanding goes a long way.
I’ve completely lost track of the number of fights we’ve had over the wedding. It all came down to me feeling overwhelmed and shouldered with all the planning, he felt overwhelmed and had no idea how to be involved. It’s forced us to be very deliberate with our communication.
FI’s very involved. I do a lot of the research then we discuss the options. I love to hear his opinion and discuss how we can reach a compromise.
As for the wedding being too big, my dad had that freak out. He can’t believe we are having a “production”. We’re inviting around 120.
My fiance is more involved than I hear most guys are (he goes to all the appointments and has opinions and is making our invites mostly himself), but he’s definitely NOT as into it as me!
As far as fights go… the answer is “YES!”… As that I get more wrapped up in things than he does, sometimes he needs a wedding planning break, whereas I love all this planning (aka obsessing), and sometimes he just needs a week/weekend off.
My FH is veeeeery involved and I sometimes laugh that it’s harder that way than if he had no opinion at all! Still, I look at the wedding as the first big project we’re doing together as a married/almost married couple…If we couldn’t ultimately find middle ground on flowers and linens, I’d be worried about how we’d ever raise children as a team! Not that we don’t argue/disagree — we’ve definitely disagreed more about the wedding than anything else ever. And I’ve pulled out the “I’m the bride” card once (and only once). I’ve been fortunate that the things he has different opinions than me on have nothing to do with those big-ticket touchy subjects like the guest list or money…
It’s funny- because I design weddings for a career and it is my passion it has made planning that much easier. FI is used to hearing about weddings and the madness that surrounds them. He has learned to form an opinion and is rather informed when it comes to weddings in general. Most of our arguments have to do with the money surrounding the wedding and the scope of the whole thing. It can be a little daunting at times, but in the end it is best to step back and realize that this is just a big celebration of US…. we’ve handled it by delegating who is in charge of what. FI is responsible for chosing the music and cocktail hour menu. I am responsible for the design, dinner menu, and details. We’ve decided to collaborate on the ceremony and desserts- I think that by keeping us both involved but allowing each of us to control certain elements has really helped to make this a more enjoyable experience. I think that often I find many of the couples I deal with make the wedding a “girl thing” and loose sight of the fact that this is the FIRST time you will have ALL OF THESE IMPORTANT PEOPLE in one room…. this is the first big event that the couple will host…. and so really it is important that everyone is included in the process.
He’s involved in the things he is really interested in like the food and the music. He’s been helpfully with everything but I’ve done majority of the work. He’s been more involved then I thought he would be though.
All of out fights have been about the guest list because his side is 3x larger then mine. And with my parents paying for majority of the wedding that has caused some friction. I’ve kinda learned that with wedding planning there are some things that are totally illogical, totally unimportant and you just have to learn to forget about it and move on.
My FH has been involved from the start and has been great about not only helping out, but making decisions and giving ideas/support while also maintaining that I get the final say. I don’t feel that I should have the final say, but appreciate the sentiment. Having a small wedding is of the most importance to him, so we’ve set our guest cap at 55, strictly enforced by the venue limitations.
We’re still five months out, but haven’t fought yet. He goes to almost all the appointments and seems to be rather excited.
We’re in the early stages and my FI hasn’t really been all that involved. I did delegate the music to him. I feel like MM does sometimes, like I’m walking on eggshells and he just doesn’t want to hear about the wedding. Then I’ll see a glimmer of hope and he’ll be all proud of himself for an idea (bags in the guest rooms, cameras on the tables) and it makes me remember that he does care. He just doesn’t care what color the bridesmaids wear or what flowers are on the table. Which is fine, I’d be scared of what he’d pick anyway. As long as he’s telling me he likes/dislikes ideas along the way that’s fine with me.
OMG…I TOTALLY FEEL YOU! My fiance and I are both pretty laid back and VERY PRACTICAL…but the wedding planning has really brought out our differences, which have led to a few arguments, which I absolutely hate…but he reassures me that if I really WANT something then it means that I may have to FIGHT to get it and that I shouldn’t feel bad unless I’m being disrespectful, mean, or hateful towards him.
My fiance is JUST LIKE Mr. Cream PUff - his ideal wedding is 20-30 of immeidate family and a few friends. My best friend had the small intimate wedding and I LOVED it, but when I sat down and really thought about it, I felt like I would be disappointing so many friends/family by not including them…so my parents are paying for the reception (b/c they both have 7-8 siblings and I have a milion cousins)…and we are having a “large” wedding - but like you, it’s ONLY 100-125 GUESTS (cutting out lots of cousins that I don’t keep in touch with…and friends that I am that close with anymore).
We still have our moments…but I have to admit that he’s really changed the way I look at why the bride’s family pays for weddings. I used to say it was b/c it’s a stupid old tradition that people still cling onto for no good reason… He says it’s b/c it’s generally the bride who wants to include everyone in the wedding…if the groom’ family paid, then the groom would be happy to have a 20-30 person dinner party
OMG - SORRY FOR THE LONG POST…I REALLY COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT THIS TOPIC…
We haven’t really argued, but we can get into tense discussions when it comes to budgeting. I come from a family that has had to live on a shoestring budget and his family, while not rich, is quite comfortable (and loves their credit cards a little too much for MY comfort!). So sometimes I have to explain to him that while maybe we can stretch our budget to accomodate one extra thing, we can’t stretch to accomodate all of the “small” things he wants. It is nice that he cares about some things, I suppose, but I also wish he’d put a little more research in before deciding he “has” to have something!
However, I can feel an argument about the guest list coming on. We had a brief discussion about it early on in the engagement and he mentioned something about needing to invite his entire family of 70+ people, and OF COURSE we need to invite each and every little cousin. Our venue only holds 100 people!
Count me in! I was a wedding coordinator. My FMIL feels she needs to tell me everything I need to do. FI is laid back about everything until FMIL says it’s a big deal…then we have a ‘discussion’. FI does tell me it’s not his wedding, and that hurts. He’s been involved in every decision at every point along the way except for my dress. I am thinking it’s the guy thing to say, but he has been involved. I’d love to hear how others are coping with this!!
I think for my fiance it is hard because our wedding is about a year away and we have already been planning stuff since Feb. He doesnt think we need to be thinking about certain things but i say why not just do it now, besides my brain just doesnt work that way. I wont stop thinking about it until something is decided so why not just decide it now? And also none of my girl friends/bridesmaids live close and they have not really been responsive about wedding stuff i send them so he has to hear every little thing which cant be all that fun. But i figure it is one year of my whole life, why cant i talk about it, think about it every day for that year if it makes me happy???
We’re just getting into planning, but I’d been doing some rough planning leading up to the engagement. We had little tiny fights here and there because I viewed his apathy regarding the planning as being not excited for the wedding. When we got engaged, I wanted to delegate some tasks to him and also have him start the conversation with his parents regarding $ and that led to a more substantial argument. But we were able to talk it out and I think we understand each other more — for me, I want to plan a wonderful wedding that will be memorable for us and our friends and family. For him, his focus is just us and beyond the wedding, and not so much our guests. He is also really nervous about spending large amounts of money in general, so he assured me it wasn’t just because of the wedding. Anyway, I think we’re a little bit more mindful of each other’s buttons and we’re trying our best to be respectful of the things that we each value in the wedding process. =)
We had the same arguement about tuxes this past weekend too. FI finally decided to get involved and I told him that I didn’t care what they picked but they had to match.
He has gone to vendor meetings with me but I did all the research. Oh, he also corner punched all our invitations then started complaining that his thumb was hurting so I ended up completing the invitations on my own. GRRR.
We fought a lot at first because he thought I wanted him to be as involved as possible and we disagreed about everything (guestlist is always a sore spot).
As soon as he figured out that a) I am capable; b) happy to make decisions without him; and c) that it was all too overwhelming for him what kind of paper texture to use for the invitations (and the like), he gave up. We’re both happy now.
He is supportive and helps when I ask so we’re groovy now.
@Beckums~: I can totally relate to your comment - my fiance and I have been dealing with the same issue. I’m shouldering all of the responsibility and he’s not sure when, where, or how to step in.
It doesn’t help also that I’m a very Type A personality, so while I may TELL him he’s in charge of something, I’ll inevitably weasel my way in to get involved. Totally unconscious, but I know that’s frustrating for him.
Anyway, Miss CP, you are NOT alone. I can’t wait for the big day so the stress of the wedding can cease!
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Mrs. Cream Puff, San Francisco Bay Area Age and Occupation: 25, Illustrator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Merchandise Planner Engagement Date: May 27, 2007 Wedding Date: August, 2008 Blogging Since: February 7, 2008 Venue: Ceremony at Crissy Field and Reception at the Green Room About Me: I never dreamed about my wedding as a little girl because I was too busy playing in the mud or pretending to be Martha Stewart–but now that it's here, I'm having a fabulous time DIYing everything in sight! We’re planning a very fun multicultural wedding (I'm Jewish and Mr. Cream Puff is Chinese), filled with as many personal details as I can muster.
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