Wedding Blog
I like to wear pearls. I enjoy wearing aprons, and love a clean house. I plan on staying at home while our children are very young, and yet, I consider myself a feminist. I believe in women’s rights, and the freedom for women to choose what they want to do in life - in any direction, housewife, career woman, super-human juggler of both, whichever, whatever.
For many women, those rights and these freedoms do not come free or easily, but often at a cost.
A few weeks ago, Mr. Shortcake and I were watching Saturday Night Live, hoping that the lovely Amy Adams would bring some comedic crisp to the usually very stale show. In one of her skits, Adams played a marriage counselor determined to psycho-analyze her way into figuring out the dynamics between a newly-married and poorly-matched young couple.
Will Forte and Amy Poehler teamed up to play the young couple, who, like many of us, argued about sex. Unlike most of us however, the two had met on the docks - Forte had “fallen in love” with the Russian “Bogdanna” after seeing the stowaway jumping out of a barge. Poehler as the haggard and underwhelmed Bogdanna spent the skit pleading with Forte to sign her citizenship papers because she had already “give[n] the sex.” Forte, however, was dismissive of Bogdanna’s requests and needs and when discussing the relationship with Adams, continually sugar-coated their relationship with a glaze of lovey-dovey bull sh*t.
For many women, becoming an overseas (or “mail-order”) bride can be an opportunity to escape a life in a developing country that, for whatever reason, is unsatisfying or even oppressing. Marrying into a richer country (like the US, Canada, UK, Australia) is seen as a way to gain job opportunities, to obtain life opportunities that otherwise would not be available in their home countries. If love occurs, good, so much the better.
Defenders of this practice often compare it to other forms of match-making, declaring that choosing cuties from an online catalog is similar to, if not the same as, internet dating sites like eharmony.com, in that the ladies list themselves, advertising their appearance, personalities, interests. Yes, I can see the similarities. But when I look at the ages of these women (often 26 and younger) and at the countries represented by these email-order sites, and think of the standard of living in those countries, I can’t help but be skeptical about these ladies’ motivations. Now, before I continue, let me make this clear, my beef is not with the immigration of these ladies in these marriages - you do what you gotta do - but rather with the men, and their motivation.
They remind me a little too much of the smug Forte.
From www.goodwife.com, one of the leading mail-order bride sites:
“We also have the question of a Western woman vs. a Foreign woman. This is commonly refered to as a Mail Order Bride or MOB….Are there any good women left in the West? Sure there are. Are they easy to find? Not on your life!…We, as men, are more and more wanting to step back from the types of women we meet now. With many women taking on the “me first” feminist agenda and the man continuing to take a back seat to her desire for power and control many men are turned off by this and look back to having a more traditional woman as our partner.
So, what do we as men want in a woman, partner, friend, and wife? Do we want her to “fix us” after we are married? If we were good enough to marry in the first place then what is this bix fixation (pun intended) on fixing us? Do we want her to stop taking care of herself after we are married? (No need to bother looking good now right, I’ve already got him so I can quit trying to look my best and I can gain all the weight I want.) Do we want her to be the boss? Do we want her to put her career first? Do we want to come home to a bag of delivery food? Do we want to change everything about us that made us who we are? Do we want to spend our evenings and weekends taking the latest “relationship test” from some magazine to find out how inadequate we are?”
Wow. So I broke the pencil I was holding while reading that.
It’s chilling enough to read that kind of chauvanistic cr*p, but to then read that “the rates of domestic violence against immigrant women are much higher than those of the U.S. population” - that young women have died at the hands of these “traditionally-minded” men, makes me feel sick to my stomach.
What do you think about mail-order marriages?
Read more:
About mail-order brides and new legislation
Violence against women act
http://www.american.edu/ted/bride.htm
http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/anderson/brides/pg1.html
http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1390/context/archive
http://cpcabrisbane.org/Kasama/1997/V11n1/Finland.htm
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Excuse me while I dry-heave into my trash can after reading that chauvanistic blurb. Funny that, according to these dumb*sses, we have to be 5′10 and 130 lbs until we die, but they can engage in an unofficial contest with themselves to see how big their belly can grow before they explode. UN. REAL.
I think the fact that mail order brides are still in demand is frightening. Obviously these women are looking for a better life (and I doubt they know what they’re getting themselves into with these boneheads or, worse, abusers) and are going into a situation that is probably worse for them. It’s sad that this is continuing to happen and by all accounts is fairly unregulated.
Thank you for bringing in a little something more serious to the table. I really enjoy all the fun stuff on weddingbee and come here for a break from work as much as for the ideas and inspiration…but it’s good to remind ourselves how lucky we are that we had full choice in who we are marrying. Many of the mail order brides marry men they have never met, leave their families and homeland to come to a different place with a strange culture, out of sheer desperation.
I agree with you on the sentiment regarding the Western men who participate in this process. Unlike online dating sites, all the power is in the mens’ hands and the women are merely commodities. I hope that most of these marriages work out, but they do not start off on equal terms.
I only have one point to make: this is the freshest season of SNL in a very long time. I heart Will Forte. Ok, that’s all. I have no opinion about mail order brides.. I didn’t think it was that prevalent?
Wow.
Seriously.
There are just no words.
What you quoted seems almost like racist (in this case sexist) propoganda. Meant to scare the reader into believing it. It honestly scares ME to think that anyone WOULD believe it.
I find it scary too. Mail order brides are sometimes like servants in this country. In exchange for a “better life” and more “opportunities” they can find themselves in a different situation of enslavement. Reading that quote above made me feel sick to my stomach. I guess there are still men out there that still refuse to grow up and have a relationship based on parity and equality.
This is a very good post - thank you. I think that even people who are concerned about human trafficking in general tend to look over mail-order brides because they’re going into it “voluntarily” (which is often said about prostitution as well, no?)
A friend of mine actually acted as a translator for a wedding in Germany of a mail-order bride last year. The bride and groom DIDN’T HAVE A COMMON LANGUAGE. She has to be married to him for years before she can divorce him, which I presume (hope?) is her plan. They live in a home in the mountains in Germany - a very isolated place. I think sometimes of that woman, and wonder what she was running from that this form of indentured servitude seemed like the only way out…
A “more traditional” wife? Trapped in a home she can’t leave? On the other side of the planet from home, family, familiarity? What are these men compensating for, that they need such power over another person?
… and how grateful am I that I married the complete opposite to that?
I once met a man and what was clearly his mail order bride on their honeymoon in Mexico. He was excited to see other Americans and invited my friends and me to join them for dinner. It was one of the most awkward meals ever…He was just talked non stop and was very socially awkward. She was incredibly nice but it was painfully obvious that she was really embarrassed of him and really didn’t know him at all. Akimbo’s right. I feel so incredibly lucky to have my fiance and be entering into a mutually loving marriage.
For those of you that weren’t aware of the prevalence of mail order brides, read up on the trafficking of women. It will really make your blood boil and your heart break.
http://www.hrw.org/about/projects/traffcamp/intro.html
http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/Default.aspx
http://www.catwinternational.org/
Not much I can say to/about this, but wanted to thank you for the provocative post….
I’m against mail order brides all the way. It’s a one-sided arrangement, despite whatever “benefits” the women may have over their current circumstances. Thanks for writing about something important that’s easily brushed off.
Wow. I’m very glad that you posted this, and that your approach doesn’t demonize the women. Considering the fact that there are so many great women such as yourself who are clearly willing to sacrifice years of career to devote themselves to their young children, it seems pretty obvious that guys like this are really looking for slaves.
I thought that we no longer had indentured servitude, so what’s with women having to be domestic/sex workers for 7+ years before they can be free citizens?
And that’s why marriage should not automatically get someone a greencard. You should have to prove a relationship, married or not, like in Europe. They have a certain timeline you have to meet of being together and prove it. Not just get eloped and bring the girl over automatically. This also allows same-sex couples to be able to bring their partner over, and not have to be separated just because we can’t get married.
the little snippet from goodwife.com is unfortunately really prevalent among older guys who have been divorced. i know many many guys in their 40s and 50s who really believe that feminism is the root of all evil and that america has become undone by women who want independence and the freedom to determine their own path. i hang out on an atheist forum (full of supposed skeptics and open minded people) and almost weekly there’s a post alluding to how superior eastern women are to american women. it’s so frustrating. 
i’m a career woman. i’ll never have kids unless i adopt. my husband shares housework with me, but he also enjoys that we share our free time together and have dual incomes that allow us to do more than we could if we lied on his alone. so yeah, i’m a feminist. that means i respect women who *choose* to stay at home and raise kids too, because that’s a freaking important job and we need more women who are good at it. i don’t resent their decisions, in fact, i fully support that! and i certainly hope they (and their husbands) don’t resent my choices either.
what angers me is people (men and women) who try to force home or career on anyone of any gender, male or female. like the guys at goodwife.com who apparently know better than women what women should be doing.
thanks for your post. i think the more people see/hear of stuff like this, the more we can get a dialog going and hopefully clear the air a bit so men don’t think feminists are unreasonable, cause really…we’re not. 
Ugg that reasoning frustrates me - like we have to be one or the other - complete Suzie Homemaker or Feminist Fat Phsycho Biotch… do men fall into 2 catagories?
wow, great post. I do a lot of social justice work, and for a long time worked to educate people about the exploitation of women, particularly from the Philippines, through the mail-order bride industry. If this is something you’d like more information about, drop me an email and I’ll send you some of the info I’ve got.
I think we would do well to take a look at the economies in the countries that are “exporting” brides. How bad must things be for women to resort to this, and what role has our own country played in the economic inequality of the world’s countries?
Excellent post and a great thing to bring up here. The quotation you pulled out made me very angry too.
Great post. That web catalog excerpt made me want to break my writing implement and throw it at the writer’s head. I don’t know what the answer is . . . . I know one thing legal advocacy groups can help with is getting immigrant women who are faced with abusive spouses a certain kind of visa under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). These visas help them to be able to separate from their abusers and be able to work within the United States. Bay Area Legal Aid (www.baylegal.org) is one group that does this kind of work. Some more information about domestic violence from their website here:
http://www.baylegal.org/client-services/domestic-violence-preventions/
Definitely a feminist and proud!
Interesting post, and thanks for brining up a new perspective…
However, I’m an a somewhat similar situation. My fiance is Canadian, we met on the internet, and in order to get married we’ve had to go through a very long and tedious visa process. He’s going to be moving to the U.S, and go through the citizenship process.
While there are people who abuse this process, there are an equal number of us who have all the best intentions, and just want to be with the person they love. I hope some of you would think twice before condeming those of us who have found love outside of our respective countries…
commenting usually isnt my thing, but ive spent an hour on the site, so thanks for the info
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Mrs. Shortcake, Vancouver
Age and Occupation: 24, Marketing Manager/Children's Lit Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Master's Student/Personal Trainer
Engagement Date: August 7, 2007
Wedding Date: October 2008
Blogging Since:
Venue: Ceremony in a historic church, tented lawn reception at a golf and country club
About Me: 1950's housewife sent to the future, reborn as crafting-obsessed, jill of all trades. I enjoy decorating, writing, baking sweet things, singing show tunes/dancing in public, wearing pearls, and knitting sweaters for my furbaby, Harvey, to chew upon. I heart pink, and believe that sparkles are the new black.
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