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Image from the movie Romeo and Juliet by Baz Luhrmann
“By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.”
Act 2, Scene 2 Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
So, what’s in a name? For Romeo and Juliet, it was the entire reason that their love was forbidden. For me, it’s who I am!Before meeting Mr. Cookie I had a very strong mantra - I would not take my future husband’s last name, period! I like my first, middle, and last name. It’s me, it’s who I am, it’s my personality… A new name means a new identity, a death to my former self. I want to hold tight to the person I have become, and letting go of my name means ending the journey of my current self. So, when Mr. Cookie asked me to take his last name, needless to say I had my hesitations.
Randomly one night the last name discussion was broached; would I consider taking Mr. Cookie’s last name? Now, he has a lovely last name, very easy to pronounce — no qualms about the name itself. We both listened to each other’s opinions – mine of my own identity and Mr. Cookie’s of wanting to become a new family. I was facing an internal conundrum. I love Mr. Cookie with all my heart and soul, and what a deeply profound way of symbolizing the start of our journey through life together by changing my last name.
However, I still wanted to retain my identity. I’m at a point in my career where changing my name is not a big deal. And besides, isn’t being married about compromises? I heard in his voice how much it would mean to him, so a compromise was reached. I would indeed take his last name, but my maiden name would become my middle name.
Now, I’ve written and said my “new” name out loud several times just to get used to it, but it will take a little while to adjust. With two out of three of my married bridesmaids keeping their maiden name as their middle name, I’ve realized this has become a very common practice among women today.
Did you or do you plan to change your maiden name to your middle name when you get married?
I’m in the process of doing just that right now! I’ve been to Soc. Sec. and the bank…changed my credit cards…and am headed to the DMV tomorrow!
I was excited to take his name, even though it’s not nearly as easy to say or spell as mine =) but I like still being able to see my maiden name on all my official documents!
there are just so many nuances to this decision. i wished that more people would at least consider the husband taking the wife’s name, in the case of the “family cohesion” reason. so often, it’s still the wife keeping her name, or changing it to her husband’s to symbolize the new unit.
i’m not criticizing people who do change their names, but just saying that i wish this would more often be seen as an option as well.
I’m with firstlady, I’m keeping my name, and if we have kids we’re both legally hyphenating or using my name for the kids.
I like all my names- I am definitely doing first maiden newlastname. But I love my current middle name as well- it links me to my mom. I am trying to see if I can just add the newlastname.
I’m keeping my name, but I’m not going to bite anyone’s head off if they call me by the wrong name. I’ll probably use his name socially more and more as the years go on. I have no problem with the idea of two names. My college and grown-up friends call me by different nicknames, and I don’t find that confusing.
It turns out, though, that having people assume that I’m changing my name really annoys me (it’s 2008 for goodness sake) and makes me a bit snappish, so maybe I won’t be as cool about all of it as I’d hope. If more people asked, “Are you taking his name?” instead of “What will your new name be?” I might be less touchy. It has started to feel like I need to keep my name to make a statement that it’s OK if women do.
My FI’s name is both easier to pronounce and spell, so I’m taking the plunge, but I’m also not that attached to my maiden name, so it was a non-issue for us.
Firstlady is certainly on to something - if the name change is for the purposes of creating a new family unit, why not have men make the switch or even have everyone switch? I’ve heard of either fully hyphenated or combining the two last names into one new one somehow. I don’t actually know anyone who has gone that route, but nice to hear of folks changing it up.
Ultimately, everyone needs to do what is right for them and their relationship. Miss Cookie is right - marriage is about compromises, though that can and should run both ways.
I am absolutely keeping my name.
Ha, ha. I’m getting married in 9 days, and we are STILL arguing over this. He wants me to change, I don’t want to, and we’re both too strong-willed to give in. I offered to suck it up and hyphenate, but that’s not “good” enough for him.
I’m a scientist, and in my field, women just do not change their name. I just submitted a paper for publication yesterday, and it never even dawned on the head of my lab to even ASK what name I wanted — it was just assumed that I, like every other female in the lab, would be keeping my maiden name. It frustrates my fiance that I don’t want his name, and it frustrates the hell out of me that he doesn’t accept that women in my field just don’t do it, and their husbands never gave them a hard time. I don’t think having his last name makes me any more married to him or any more of a family!
My maiden name will be my new middle. I’m attached to it to, and to my family, so I definitely didn’t want to just get rid of it. My current middle name is not that important to me, at least that it be my legal name. It will always be my middle name, just not legally. But there is no way I would just chuck my last name. Also it’s important to my FI and I that we share a name, and I didn’t want him to take mine. I don’t think that would have been his first choice, either, but he did offer. Which is awesome. 
I’m changing mine. I’m glad to have a simpler name. It didn’t matter to FI, but mattered to me. I think you should do what you want.
I’m taking my maiden name as my middle name as well. My mom did this when she got married, so growing up, I always thought it was what you did! It wasn’t until my friends started getting married and dropping their maiden names altogether that I figured out that it wasn’t as common as I thought.
It works out well for me, though. I’m not fond of my middle name, and I wanted us as a family (and our future children) to all have the same last name, so it’s what I always planned on doing.
I really didn’t want to take my FI’s last name because I like the sound of my middle name and last name and his last name is rather gutteral and unusual. However, after some discussion I decided that I really am looking forward to being a little family unit so I am going to change my last name and keep my current middle name. I think using my maiden name as my middle name, in combination with FI’s last name, would just sound weird.
Keep your maiden as your middle, do what works for you- but be honest that’s not much of a compromise. You’re still changing your name for his, and he’s not chaning at all.
My parents hyphenated, and I actually use my mother’s maiden-name as my first name now. Which works, because now I plan to hyphenate with my husband. Keeping my name is important to my career, and so I’ll use my maiden name professionally, my married (hyphenated) name socially, and if they call me his bachelor name, I have no qualms.
It became important to me that our family have one name, and it’s also important to break the patriarchal assumption.
Keep your maiden as your middle..but know that it will often get lost or dropped unless you’re vigilant about it.
In the South, it is extremely common for the bride to use her maiden name as her middle name once married. I retained all of my names when I was married the first time, and my name is REALLY long now. I kept all of my names after the divorce. So there was no way I was asking my fiance to take my current last name as his…totally weird. And it is way too long to hyphenate even my maiden name and his name. After much soul-search, I have decided to remove my current last name and replace it with his. Mainly because of children. I too had qualms about changing my name at all since I graduated college with this name and am known professionally as this name. But my career is only 5 years old at this point. My relatives still use my maiden name for me and I don’t correct them since it is one of my names and I don’t care if they don’t use my legal last name. I highly suggest keeping all of your names if you like your middle name and your last name.
I will not change my name unless FI and I decide to take on a joint new name together (i.e., neither of our existing last names). I have to admit I honestly have a very difficult time understanding the perspective that to feel like one family, or to symbolize the new journey that a (now-) married heterosexual couple is taking together, the woman should take the man’s name. I have no problem understanding that couples might want to share the same last name — and might want their children to share that same last name as well. But then why not the other way around — why shouldn’t the man take the woman’s name? Or choose a new name together? Why should the symbolism be wrapped up in the patrilineal naming scheme — other than “that’s the way it’s always/usually be done”?
You are both taking on a new identity as a married person — shouldn’t that be reflected in the fact that both of you (or neither of you) will make a name change?
I never considered changing my name–not even when I was a little girl daydreaming about getting married. My FI, for what it’s worth, offered to take my last name but it’s not important to me. I like him the way he is. As a side note, my MOH and her husband kept their own names and then upon having children blended their last names to come up with a new family name and both took new names!
My maiden name became my middle name, and I took his last name.
… AND…
He took my maiden name as HIS middle name! His smart parents didn’t give their sons middle names. It’s like they knew. 
I am keeping my name and any children are having my name as well. I was so happy to read a few previous posters say that they will be doing the same thing! Usually on weddingbee, that is never discussed as an option.
I’m sorry but I really don’t understand everyone who said that they wanted to change their name because it was important to be a “family.” Why does a label make you a family? In my opinion, my FI and I are already a family. To the women who change their names, does this mean you will no longer be a family with your parents since you will not share their last name? If you want to change your name, then that is your choice, of course. But to say that it is so that you become a family is casting a strange judgment on those who choose to keep their names.
Every time this topic comes up I struggle with it as well… I LOVE my name, LOVE LOVE LOVE, the whole thing, First Midle & Last, like Miss Cookie I feel it is who I am and part of my personality.
I haven’t approached this topic w/ FH yet honestly b/c confession we are actually engaged yet, I know it is any month now and we talk about it all the time ie Where? Theme? Who would be in our WP etc, but we aren’t technically engaged yet… that being said, I’ve been a BIG wimp and not brought it up yet.
E, I totally agree. There are so many families today made up of different ethnicities, names, races, genders, etc. Having one name doesn’t make you a family.
My fiance is awesome. I told him there was no way I was changing my name, and he said it didn’t even cross his mind that I would. He’s a little on the fence about us both legally hyphenating. (Actually, he’s more logically consistent than I am - I really only think it’d be cool to both hyphenate, but he thinks it’s unnecessary since he doesn’t believe in name changing at all). We decided that any potential kids will either have my name, or we’ll both legally hyphenate at that point.
I am all for people doing what makes them happy, but I really do think it’s an antiquated patriarchical tradition.
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Mrs. Cookie, Denver Age and Occupation: 25, Nonprofit Fundraiser/Theatre Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Financial Analyst Engagement Date: September 2007 Wedding Date: September 2008 Blogging Since: May 8, 2008 Venue: Ten Mile Station About Me: With a degree in Theatre I never realized that planning a wedding was a lot like Theatre Management, until I started planning my own. I am a coffee addict, especially Starbucks' Grande Mochas, yummy! I love to cook (especially chocolate chip cookies for my honey), travel to exotic places, and be creative. As a couple, Mr. Cookie and I are extremely practical, down to earth, and children at heart. We live in a cozy abode with our adorable Pomeranian, and love to play board games and watch movies into the evening.
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