Wedding Blog
Image from the movie Romeo and Juliet by Baz Luhrmann
“By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.”
Act 2, Scene 2 Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
So, what’s in a name? For Romeo and Juliet, it was the entire reason that their love was forbidden. For me, it’s who I am!Before meeting Mr. Cookie I had a very strong mantra - I would not take my future husband’s last name, period! I like my first, middle, and last name. It’s me, it’s who I am, it’s my personality… A new name means a new identity, a death to my former self. I want to hold tight to the person I have become, and letting go of my name means ending the journey of my current self. So, when Mr. Cookie asked me to take his last name, needless to say I had my hesitations.
Randomly one night the last name discussion was broached; would I consider taking Mr. Cookie’s last name? Now, he has a lovely last name, very easy to pronounce — no qualms about the name itself. We both listened to each other’s opinions – mine of my own identity and Mr. Cookie’s of wanting to become a new family. I was facing an internal conundrum. I love Mr. Cookie with all my heart and soul, and what a deeply profound way of symbolizing the start of our journey through life together by changing my last name.
However, I still wanted to retain my identity. I’m at a point in my career where changing my name is not a big deal. And besides, isn’t being married about compromises? I heard in his voice how much it would mean to him, so a compromise was reached. I would indeed take his last name, but my maiden name would become my middle name.
Now, I’ve written and said my “new” name out loud several times just to get used to it, but it will take a little while to adjust. With two out of three of my married bridesmaids keeping their maiden name as their middle name, I’ve realized this has become a very common practice among women today.
Did you or do you plan to change your maiden name to your middle name when you get married?
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I’m in the process of doing just that right now! I’ve been to Soc. Sec. and the bank…changed my credit cards…and am headed to the DMV tomorrow!
I was excited to take his name, even though it’s not nearly as easy to say or spell as mine =) but I like still being able to see my maiden name on all my official documents!
there are just so many nuances to this decision. i wished that more people would at least consider the husband taking the wife’s name, in the case of the “family cohesion” reason. so often, it’s still the wife keeping her name, or changing it to her husband’s to symbolize the new unit.
i’m not criticizing people who do change their names, but just saying that i wish this would more often be seen as an option as well.
I’m with firstlady, I’m keeping my name, and if we have kids we’re both legally hyphenating or using my name for the kids.
I like all my names- I am definitely doing first maiden newlastname. But I love my current middle name as well- it links me to my mom. I am trying to see if I can just add the newlastname.
I’m keeping my name, but I’m not going to bite anyone’s head off if they call me by the wrong name. I’ll probably use his name socially more and more as the years go on. I have no problem with the idea of two names. My college and grown-up friends call me by different nicknames, and I don’t find that confusing.
It turns out, though, that having people assume that I’m changing my name really annoys me (it’s 2008 for goodness sake) and makes me a bit snappish, so maybe I won’t be as cool about all of it as I’d hope. If more people asked, “Are you taking his name?” instead of “What will your new name be?” I might be less touchy. It has started to feel like I need to keep my name to make a statement that it’s OK if women do.
My FI’s name is both easier to pronounce and spell, so I’m taking the plunge, but I’m also not that attached to my maiden name, so it was a non-issue for us.
Firstlady is certainly on to something - if the name change is for the purposes of creating a new family unit, why not have men make the switch or even have everyone switch? I’ve heard of either fully hyphenated or combining the two last names into one new one somehow. I don’t actually know anyone who has gone that route, but nice to hear of folks changing it up.
Ultimately, everyone needs to do what is right for them and their relationship. Miss Cookie is right - marriage is about compromises, though that can and should run both ways.
I am absolutely keeping my name.
Ha, ha. I’m getting married in 9 days, and we are STILL arguing over this. He wants me to change, I don’t want to, and we’re both too strong-willed to give in. I offered to suck it up and hyphenate, but that’s not “good” enough for him.
I’m a scientist, and in my field, women just do not change their name. I just submitted a paper for publication yesterday, and it never even dawned on the head of my lab to even ASK what name I wanted — it was just assumed that I, like every other female in the lab, would be keeping my maiden name. It frustrates my fiance that I don’t want his name, and it frustrates the hell out of me that he doesn’t accept that women in my field just don’t do it, and their husbands never gave them a hard time. I don’t think having his last name makes me any more married to him or any more of a family!
My maiden name will be my new middle. I’m attached to it to, and to my family, so I definitely didn’t want to just get rid of it. My current middle name is not that important to me, at least that it be my legal name. It will always be my middle name, just not legally. But there is no way I would just chuck my last name. Also it’s important to my FI and I that we share a name, and I didn’t want him to take mine. I don’t think that would have been his first choice, either, but he did offer. Which is awesome. 
I’m changing mine. I’m glad to have a simpler name. It didn’t matter to FI, but mattered to me. I think you should do what you want.
I’m taking my maiden name as my middle name as well. My mom did this when she got married, so growing up, I always thought it was what you did! It wasn’t until my friends started getting married and dropping their maiden names altogether that I figured out that it wasn’t as common as I thought.
It works out well for me, though. I’m not fond of my middle name, and I wanted us as a family (and our future children) to all have the same last name, so it’s what I always planned on doing.
I really didn’t want to take my FI’s last name because I like the sound of my middle name and last name and his last name is rather gutteral and unusual. However, after some discussion I decided that I really am looking forward to being a little family unit so I am going to change my last name and keep my current middle name. I think using my maiden name as my middle name, in combination with FI’s last name, would just sound weird.
Keep your maiden as your middle, do what works for you- but be honest that’s not much of a compromise. You’re still changing your name for his, and he’s not chaning at all.
My parents hyphenated, and I actually use my mother’s maiden-name as my first name now. Which works, because now I plan to hyphenate with my husband. Keeping my name is important to my career, and so I’ll use my maiden name professionally, my married (hyphenated) name socially, and if they call me his bachelor name, I have no qualms.
It became important to me that our family have one name, and it’s also important to break the patriarchal assumption.
Keep your maiden as your middle..but know that it will often get lost or dropped unless you’re vigilant about it.
In the South, it is extremely common for the bride to use her maiden name as her middle name once married. I retained all of my names when I was married the first time, and my name is REALLY long now. I kept all of my names after the divorce. So there was no way I was asking my fiance to take my current last name as his…totally weird. And it is way too long to hyphenate even my maiden name and his name. After much soul-search, I have decided to remove my current last name and replace it with his. Mainly because of children. I too had qualms about changing my name at all since I graduated college with this name and am known professionally as this name. But my career is only 5 years old at this point. My relatives still use my maiden name for me and I don’t correct them since it is one of my names and I don’t care if they don’t use my legal last name. I highly suggest keeping all of your names if you like your middle name and your last name.
I will not change my name unless FI and I decide to take on a joint new name together (i.e., neither of our existing last names). I have to admit I honestly have a very difficult time understanding the perspective that to feel like one family, or to symbolize the new journey that a (now-) married heterosexual couple is taking together, the woman should take the man’s name. I have no problem understanding that couples might want to share the same last name — and might want their children to share that same last name as well. But then why not the other way around — why shouldn’t the man take the woman’s name? Or choose a new name together? Why should the symbolism be wrapped up in the patrilineal naming scheme — other than “that’s the way it’s always/usually be done”?
You are both taking on a new identity as a married person — shouldn’t that be reflected in the fact that both of you (or neither of you) will make a name change?
I never considered changing my name–not even when I was a little girl daydreaming about getting married. My FI, for what it’s worth, offered to take my last name but it’s not important to me. I like him the way he is. As a side note, my MOH and her husband kept their own names and then upon having children blended their last names to come up with a new family name and both took new names!
My maiden name became my middle name, and I took his last name.
… AND…
He took my maiden name as HIS middle name! His smart parents didn’t give their sons middle names. It’s like they knew. 
I am keeping my name and any children are having my name as well. I was so happy to read a few previous posters say that they will be doing the same thing! Usually on weddingbee, that is never discussed as an option.
I’m sorry but I really don’t understand everyone who said that they wanted to change their name because it was important to be a “family.” Why does a label make you a family? In my opinion, my FI and I are already a family. To the women who change their names, does this mean you will no longer be a family with your parents since you will not share their last name? If you want to change your name, then that is your choice, of course. But to say that it is so that you become a family is casting a strange judgment on those who choose to keep their names.
Every time this topic comes up I struggle with it as well… I LOVE my name, LOVE LOVE LOVE, the whole thing, First Midle & Last, like Miss Cookie I feel it is who I am and part of my personality.
I haven’t approached this topic w/ FH yet honestly b/c confession we are actually engaged yet, I know it is any month now and we talk about it all the time ie Where? Theme? Who would be in our WP etc, but we aren’t technically engaged yet… that being said, I’ve been a BIG wimp and not brought it up yet.
E, I totally agree. There are so many families today made up of different ethnicities, names, races, genders, etc. Having one name doesn’t make you a family.
My fiance is awesome. I told him there was no way I was changing my name, and he said it didn’t even cross his mind that I would. He’s a little on the fence about us both legally hyphenating. (Actually, he’s more logically consistent than I am - I really only think it’d be cool to both hyphenate, but he thinks it’s unnecessary since he doesn’t believe in name changing at all). We decided that any potential kids will either have my name, or we’ll both legally hyphenate at that point.
I am all for people doing what makes them happy, but I really do think it’s an antiquated patriarchical tradition.
This is just one more area where women (still) make more compromises than men.
Will I take his last name? How will I have a career and children? Men RARELY have to grapple with these questions.
I absolutely love my middle name (lol… hence the Ashley Lauran!), so when we got married, it would have been horrible replacing it with my maiden name, especially since my maiden name was an extremely common name. So now my initials are ALL, and I absolutely love it!
Taking my husband’s name was very personal and important to me- I am a very traditional person, and I felt like it was an important way to symbolize the start of our new family.
I understand people that don’t want to, it can be a tough and hard decision, and I have to admit, I am still getting used to my new identity… it’s very hard at first. I cried when I got my SS card changed. But, I love it now, and I would make the decision a million times over again.
~Ash
I’m taking FI’s last name. My last name has no significance to me whatsoever & I know that it’s what he wants, so I’m happy to oblige.
I’m not in love with my middle or last name - I share my middle name with about half of the other women born the same year I was and my last name is kind of blah. They are, however, MY names. And my mom swears my middle name isn’t Lynn because it was popular that year, but rather because it’s the diminutive of her first name. So as much as I gripe about it, I want to keep it because it’s a connection to my mother. And my last name is a noun AND a verb - that’s just weird to have a middle name, lol.
My fiance and I have talked about both of us changing our last names - either hyphenating or combining them or creating something totally new, but he always goes back to keeping his because it’s what his family wants him to do. So for now we’re both keeping our names and maybe if/when we have kids we’ll revisit the issue (though I’m standing firm on one point: we either both change our names or nothing is changing, ie if we hyphenate we will BOTH become his name-my name or vice versa).
I’m changing my name. In many ways, I am not very traditional or conservative, but my reasons are:
1. I have a weird last name, and the combination of my unusual first name and last name made great fodder for teasing when I was younger. Now I find it more amusing than embarassing, but still have no particular attachment to it in terms of my identity (I know who I am and where I came from).
2. I think it’s a nice gesture, and shows a huge commitment to the union you are forming together.
3. Even though it’s more prevalent than ever for families to have different last names, it’s still the least confusing option when it comes to the family unit and being clear about the relationship.
4. As someone pointed out in another forum I was reading about this topic, is it really more “feminist” or empowering to keep your male line of ancestry’s name rather than that of the man you’ve chosen to share your life and create a family with?
5. I have no professional reason not to change my name. Even my work email is just my first name!
That said, I applaud women who want to preserve their last names out of a sense of pride in their ancestry/professional consideration/etc. And ladies, in some cultures, men do take the women’s names!
I will be keeping my maiden name. As a professional who is also published under my maiden name, I don’t want to lose my identity and all that I have worked so hard for just becuase I am getting married. I don’t mid being Mrs. _ socially, but professionally, I will always be Dr. Maiden name. Our kids will take his last name.
His ego quickly got over it after we initially discussed it, and now, as a fellow professional, he supports my decision whole-heartedly.
Oh, and also, as much as my dad is a traditionalist (he apparently is still having trouble getting over the fact that he won’t be walking down the aisle, even though I’ve been saying this since I was 8!), according to Mom he’s proud that I’m keeping “his” name. I didn’t bother correcting her that at this point I really view it as my name moreso than his, but whatever. Dad and I have had such a rocky relationship over the years that I’m glad we can have some sort of bonding over this issue.
I am keeping my maiden name professionally - it’s who I am in court (I’m a lawyer) - but told my FH that I would take his name as mine socially. So, I think it’s a modified maiden-name-as-middle-name idea. In court, I’m dropping his last name and it will just be ME as usual but I’m fine being Mrs. FH, too.
I know it made him very happy that I agreed to take his last name.
I grew up w/my mom using my step-father’s last name and I was a little uncomfortable that my mom and I didn’t have the same last name (all my friends and their moms had the same last names).
I don’t think the woman should have to take the man’s last name any more than the man should have to take the woman’s but this is not the battle I am choosing.
My mother kept her maiden name and gave it to me as one of my middle names. (They thought about hyphenating but it would be way too long!) But now that I’m getting married I’m having a hard time deciding which of my four names to keep. Each parent’s family name is very important to me and I love my middle name because I share it with my deceased grandmother. Adding my fiance’s name to the end would give me 5 names and I don’t think I can handle that.
I think I’ve settled on taking my fiance’s name, which is a very nice name, keeping my original middle name and giving each of children my parent’s last name as a middle names.
I think its great when people hyphenate or keep their maiden names (like my mother) but a name can really only be so long! People have made fun of me at my various graduations for having the most ridiculous name!
This name change thing is the craziest part about marriage and I am totally up for it. I personally am in a field where no one changes there last name when the marry. I feel like I am being the rebellious by changing it to my FI. HA. I’m in no way changing who I am because my my name is deferent. I know who I am and so proud of my family. I think passing down stories of your family is more important than keeping a last name.
Of course people get used to there name after years, but that is because it has a-l-w-a-y-s been there name. I am up for trying something new; why not a new last name. ?!? Also it is making my FI *so* happy and why would you want to do that?
I’m so happy to see many woman here who will not change their names. I hope in years to come, it will no longer be the norm for women to take their husband’s name. While I disagree with most of the reasons posted here for taking husband’s name, at least brides are thinking and talking about it, we’re slowly but surely making progress!
I read the wiki article on married and maiden names a while ago and was surprised to find out how behind we are here in the U.S.
This is something I’m going through right now. I never really thought much about it before our wedding, but for some reason, now that we’re married, I feel very, very strongly attached to my name. It has to do with several, complicated personal reasons. But I don’t know how to bring the subject up to him - I don’t want him to be hurt that I don’t want his name.
My husband is actually adopted, so in a way, taking his last name would, to me, mean not so much taking on more of HIS identity as his parents’. Hard to explain. Anyway, thanks for the thought-provoking post.
I think it’s awesome, and I have to admit, a tad surprising to me how many people (okay, women) are so attached to theirs maiden names. Surprising to me only b/c I just personally never have been. I always liked my name okay, and have always been excited to change it just as soon as I found the perfect person with whom I wanted to share my life. I tooooootally understand that it’s just not an easy decision for everyone to make…but it was oh so easy for me. Which is just…interesting, i guess. Hmmm
I’ve never understood, like previous posters said, why men just assume that it has to be THEIR name that is the reason they make a family. Seems perfectly easy to say that you can be a family with your last name, Miss Cookie, and he can take yours and you can keep your identity.
That being said, the maiden-name-as-middle name isn’t really new. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, suffragette extraordinare, did it in the 18th century. My grandmother (a scientist, to the poster who said women in science don’t change their name, who is absolutey right) did it in the 1940s. Hilary Rodham Clinton did it. (Only after political pressure made it necessary.)
To the scientist - women in science, I thought, don’t change it because the papers that exist under your maiden name may no longer be credited as “yours”. My grandmother had this problem, and its why my mother kept her name. Maybe your FI would understand that???
EDB-
That was me writing in as the scientist. You would think that my fiance, as a doctor himself, would grasp this whole scientific paper process, but I think because in the actual MEDICINE side of things, it’s much rarer to have publications (he’s only a year removed from medical school, so his friends don’t really have case studies published yet) so most of his female friends changed their names. I even JUST now snuck in another publication (yay!) with 9 days to go until our wedding which is under my maiden name — it was just submitted that way because it’s who I am now, and who my lab knows me as — nobody even asked if I wanted the name to be different. His argument is that when I’m applying for jobs I’ll have a CV with all my publications on it, which I suppose is valid, but at this point it’s even less about the publications and more about the fact that it just seems strange to me to change my name, since 100% of the women I work with have not changed their name.
I’m struggling with this issue as well. I was in the science field and I have a few presentations and a couple publications coming up in my maiden name. However, I have left the field for the most part and am now pursuing a teaching degree. I definitely want to keep my maiden name in at least my middle name, and maybe keep it completely. So you ladies who are keeping your name or making it a middle name, do you plan on going by Ms. or Mrs. (I never finished the Ph.D., so I won’t be Dr.)? Is it weird to go my Mrs. maidenname with my students? For some reason I relate Mrs. with people who take their husband’s name. I also had no idea how much of a big deal other family members would make about me possibly not changing my name; it’s my decision!
You know what? I was the one to bring the subject up with my FI and his answer was “I just assumed that you’d be keeping your name.” My choice. I am marrying the perfect man =)
My sister, who is a PhD, did not change her name. Technically, she is Mrs. Firstname MaidenName - not taking his name doesn’t mean you aren’t married, which is what the title Mrs. denotes. My sister did have some arguments with her husband about the whole name changing thing, which I think totally affected how adamant she was about keeping her name.
My FI assumed I would keep my name, and like vangal, I was the one who brought up the idea of changing. I’m an engineer, and a consultant, and so while I’m not as concerned about publications per se, my clients need to be able to find me. However, I have several friends in the same situation who have taken their husband’s names and maintained their maiden name as their middle name - and their experience has been that as long as you list your maiden and new names in any professional directories, on your resume, and on any papers you write, everything comes up just fine when people start going through professional databases looking for you or your work. And people figure it out; after a couple of years there is no confusion at all, and most people know you by both names with equal familiarity.
Although he never would have asked me to change my name, in fact it really means a lot to him. It’s quite apparent that he is very happy about my decision.
so dramatic! i don’t define myself by my name so i’ll change it.
i’m not fickle enough to ‘lose’ myself.
The day after we got back from the honeymoon I changed my name - went to the DMV, Soc Security, Bank, etc. First stop was the DMV and I had to fill out the new info, it was a spur of the moment decision and I moved my maiden name to my middle, but also kept my middle. I really didn’t know I was going to do that . . . so now I’m Maegan K. H. NewLastName. I like it!
just sayin’:
It might not be a big deal to you, but it is definitely a big deal to a lot of people. I’m a self-professed feminist, and while I don’t think I’ll “lose” myself if I change my name (or that I’m “fickle enough” to do so), I’m keeping my name for many reasons.
It’s a personal choice, and giving it serious thought doesn’t sound “dramatic” to those of us for whom it matters.
I almost would have considered changing my last name to a hyphen of the two, but FI refuses to do that… biggest double standard ever! Why should I consider changing my name, but not the other way around? Hmmm… Good thing FI is such a good buy in all other respects.
My mother kept her maiden name, a very tricky one at that (my Dad’s family’s last name is so common and easy to spell). So I guess since I was little I just decided that I would too. My siblings and I all have our Dad’s name, Mom kept her maiden name and we all turned out just fine…. and so will my kids.
I am changing my name, but I do wish he would realise what a big deal it is.
To the women who are changing their names to their spouse’s because it’s important to their FH, or it will make (or did make) their FH so happy:
Are you also promising to obey him in your wedding vows? Do you think your husband should have the final say in any dispute in your marriage? Are you agreeing to have him manage all your finances because “it makes him happy”?
I’ll start this by saying I will be taking my husband’s name… and that I’ve never questioned it or thought about doing it otherwise. It’s a tradition, and I don’t find anything wrong with it. I know there are varying reasons for not changing your name — especially in a professional setting. I have two cousins who didn’t 1. Got married later in life and was already well-established in her field and 2. Is in academics and has published papers, etc. That always made sense to me.
I take issue with the argument that it changes your identity and self — I feel like that’s bull and a cop-out. How can your whole self and idea of you as a person be wrapped up in your name? I don’t judge anyone at all for their choice in this, by any means, so please calm your tempers. I think that whatever way you and your fiancee decide to do, is fantastic if you’re both happy. I think you women who are connected to your history and your family and want to keep your name are right… I think you women who feel like you need to challenge the patriarchal traditions of our culture and don’t want to to change are right… I think you women who simply like their name and don’t want to drop it are right…And you traditionalists like myself who change your names are right.
Whatever your reasons are, whatever your wants are, follow them and work something out with your husband-to-be. Choose what you choose, stand up for that right and for what you want. But really, miss cookie? Who you’ve become and grown to be will vanish and die if you change a name? I don’t think so.
i’m changing my last name. i like my maiden name, but it is hard to spell/pronounce and i’m ready for an easy last name! i want to move my maiden to be my second middle name, but i’m not sure if the state of CA will allow that… i’ve read that other bees have had problems with that.
either way, i don’t mind changing. i find more identity in my first name and my middle (same as my grandma/mom/great grandma) than my last name. and either way, i don’t change - i’m still the same person i always was, regardless of my name.
I think this is an interesting discussion. I’m a teacher of elementary students, and a traditionalist… marriage is about being a new family and the American tradition is to take the husband’s name… but you never truly lose your maiden name… Since this is Memorial Day weekend, I was at the cemetary planting flowers. Most of my grandmothers…great grands…great greats etc… their maiden name is indicated somehow on their tombstone. In fact in some cases their sons were given the name as a first or middle name so today’s hypenated name is somewhat of a new version of that … In fact some of my favorite family first names were once maiden names. Truly I can trace maiden names back for two centuries or more… I can’t figure out why it’s a big deal to take a new name… you will keep your identity but you will both make adaptations to your life as a married couple. I would be honored be asked to share a name… it is your husband to be’s legacy and heritage and you will not lose yours… you are just adding your legacy to his…
[...] after I became a bee, I wrote a post called, “What’s in a Name” in which I described the internal struggle I was having over changing my name. The post [...]
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Mrs. Cookie, Denver
Age and Occupation: 25, Nonprofit Fundraiser/Theatre Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Financial Analyst
Engagement Date: September 2007
Wedding Date: September 2008
Blogging Since: May 8, 2008
Venue: Ten Mile Station
About Me: With a degree in Theatre I never realized that planning a wedding was a lot like Theatre Management, until I started planning my own. I am a coffee addict, especially Starbucks' Grande Mochas, yummy! I love to cook (especially chocolate chip cookies for my honey), travel to exotic places, and be creative. As a couple, Mr. Cookie and I are extremely practical, down to earth, and children at heart. We live in a cozy abode with our adorable Pomeranian, and love to play board games and watch movies into the evening.
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