Early Wedding Present
May 22nd, 2008 @ 2:00 pm by Mrs. Cookie
Hive, what would you do in this situation?
Three weeks after I sent the STD cards, Mr. Cookie and I received a card from my paternal grandmother. At first, I found this very odd because my birthday was coming up, and I had already gotten my birthday card from her. When I opened the envelope there was a wedding card with a check, and in the memo it said “Wedding Gift,” as well as, an open date on the check. At this time we were five months from the wedding so I thought, “Oh, no. She thought the STD card was the invitation!” I quickly called my father to investigate!
Time for a little background story: My grandmother is 89 years old, and being the feisty Norwegian woman that she is, has survived not one but two tumors in her liver, but unfortunately the tumor has spread to her lungs. Currently, she is undergoing radiation treatment and is doing pretty good. She says that she is going to try to make the wedding but with her health, the 12 hour drive from Montana to Colorado will just be too hard on her, and she doesn’t fly. I have known that she was not coming to the wedding for months, and considering the circumstances was really ok with her not coming.
When I called my father to investigate, I asked if she thought the STD was the invitation. His response was, “No, she just wanted to make sure you got a wedding present, in case something happens.” *Tear* It was as if the inevitability of the situation finally hit me, even though she has been battling cancer for the last five years. Cashing the check this early is just making the inevitable more inevitable, and in that instance life was really real!
I am going to send her a thank you card to let her know that we are both grateful for her generosity. That said, it feels rude to cash the check this early. Maybe I am hyper sensitive to what cashing the check this early is symbolizing.
So I ask: Hive, what would you do in this situation?
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26 Responses to “Early Wedding Present”
I would cash it and put the money in savings, and then figure out what you are going to do with it and tell her. That will make her pleased to know what you used it for.
Cookie, I’m sorry to hear about how ill your grandmother is. It’s very sweet that she wanted to make sure that you got your wedding gift. I’m not an expert on etiquette, but I’ve heard that it’s often seen as rude to not cash checks for a long time as it can screw up the giver’s checking account balance. Maybe your grandmother would get some joy out of knowing that you are spending her check on something specific for the wedding or for your future home. For example, you may choose to buy something that you’ve always wanted for your home and can send her photos of this item being used in your home. I’m sure those who know more about etiquette than I do can correct me if I am off track.
I would go ahead and cash the check. Given the circumstances of its early arrival, etiquette would seem to call for an early/timely acceptance too. She gave it to you now to make sure that she would still be alive to see you enjoy it! Cash it and let her know what you hope to use or used the money for in your thank-you note.
Also, if she or someone else is balancing her checkbook, they will expect the money to be gone from the account.
Write a very nice thank you note and cash the check. It drives me nuts when I have open checks messing up the balances in my books vs my accounts, and it’ll prevent her thoughtful gift from being nulled should the worst happen.
I understand the struggle (to cash or not to cash - an awkward question), but eventually through talking to my mother, realized the gift was heartfelt and came from a good place. Whom am I do “reject” a gift from one I love? If she had mailed you a silver dish - you would have gladly accepted and loved that gift too! So cash her check, respecting her generosity, and relay how much it meant to you. I agree by specifying what you are doing with it as well - it will bring a smile to her face!
It’s not wrong to cash it. My Mother is terminally ill with cancer and as part of preparing to die she has begun to do things that I would normally consider a bit morbid, such as giving me her dishes and furniture. At first I was very uncomfortable, I don’t really want to deal with her death by “cashing” in and cleaning out the house. I’ve begun to realize that it’s part of a process for her, and that it in fact is comforting for her to take care of these things ahead of time.
I would also cash the check and I agree with the above posters to include in your note what you are/will be using the money for. I know my grandmother gets great joy in hearing what we spend the money she gives us on. Perhaps you could use it for the wedding in a specific area, say flowers, and then send that type of flowers to her along with the card?
I think all the girls gave you great advice towards the check. And I think sending her a picture or at least letting her know what you are using it for is a great idea.
As far as thing hitting you, well I think we are all like that. We know but we refuse to admit it.
4 days before he died I found out that my grandfather had cancer. I called my godfather to tell him, he was my dad’s highschool friend and I know it would want to know.
Well I remember my dad saying that if he wanted to come he should take a plane ticket right away. i heard it, but my brain didn’t register. I didn’t want it to happen. The good part of the story is that my godfather was able to come (from the US to France) and say goodbye.
Anyway, sorry for the sad story, but just to tell you that it’s normal.
Oh and think about anything you might still want to say or ask to your grandmother, because now is the time, she still has the energy and you don’t want to regret things.
@jma19: You are a genius. I love this idea! Sending similar flowers that you’ll be using in your bouquet would be such a sweet way to include someone who is unable to travel to be with you on your wedding day.
I agree, you should cash it, and then in the Thank-You note, explain that you are going to *save* it to use for XYZ *after the wedding*.
Cash it for sure. My grandmother would spank me for not cashing it. We are doing a webcast through skype (free) for people that can’t make it. Maybe someone could take a laptop over so she can see you get married in real time.
Cash it! And write the sweetest thank you note ever. I bet it will give her great joy to know what you spent it on.
I have a birthday present check from my grandmother. She wrote it a few days before she died. I never cashed it. It sits on my dresser and reminds me of her generosity and her selfless love every time I glimpse it. Had it been for more than a few bucks, and for my wedding, I would have cashed it, and used it for something symbolic, a keepsake. Buy something special for your reception, send her a photo of it, and how much it means to you on a note.
E.g. use it to pay for your bridal flowers. Send her a photo of the mock up. Attach a photo of her to the flowers to remind you on that day…
First of all I completely understand how hard this is for you. My grandfather passed away in the midst of my wedding planning. I am just happy he got to be involved in the proposal and he really liked FI.
Trust me, helping my mom and aunt deal with my grandafther’s estate has been a headache. He passed away in April. Bank accounts and other things can be in limbo while all the legal stuff gets figured out. Probably the last thing she would want is for you two not to get the wedding present, hence why she already sent the check. I would cash it now.
The thing is, and I’m sure this is at least part of what she’s thinking, upon her death her assets will be frozen until after the will is read. At that point, the executor is in charge of disbursement of funds, and you get what is outlined in the will, and that’s it. The check would likely be considered an outstanding debt, so you could be paid (along along with other creditors) before her assets are disbursed under her will, although you probably wouldn’t get paid until after her assets are tabulated, which can take some time. I would guess that her idea is that, should it look as though she is not going to live until your wedding, you could cash the check and not have to wait through probate. Also, it’s certainly easier than changing her will to include $X for your wedding present, in the event that…
Nobody likes to think about this kind of stuff, but it’s very practical and actually very considerate of your grandmother to be concerned that you get her gift regardless of whether she is here to give it to you. My FI’s father died a few years ago, and also tried hard to give us all something before he died - and he actually ended up frustrated and angry that FI’s sister refused to take the things he wanted to give to her. His exact words were “Dammit, I’m dying. Why can’t anybody but me have the guts to admit that?” It is kinder to acknowledge those kinds of gifts as a great generosity, accept them graciously, and just tell the person how very much you are going to miss them. And it’s nice to get a chance to say that - rather than not.
Thank you for the wonderful suggestions!
Side note: Since my grandmother does beautiful crochet, she is crocheting me my wedding handkerchief, so I can have something of hers with me.
@jma19: I think that is such a beautiful idea! I’ve already sent her photos of my wedding dress, but what a touching way to make her feel included in the day.
@MissRojoOso: Thanks, I’ll look into it!
cash the check and tell her what you bought with it, or dedicate something to her ie: our wedding cake, purchased by grandma. Or “grandma sponsored our honeymoon.” she will feel more involved and special.
You post reminded me much of myself at the present time. My fiance proposed in November of 2007 and we haven’t even set a date yet. But my grandmother (who is a fiesty/independant New-York Italian woman, was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She wrote my fiance and I a very generous check on out last visit to her and she demanded that we deposit it as soon as possible. She is begining chemo treatments in a few weeks, and I know she just wanted to make sure she got to give us our gift! We opened a CD with the money, so it can grow some interest, and told my grandma that we will use it to help up with the wedding and honeymoon costs, that way she can feel as though she is apart of the entire process, even if she is unable to participate in wedding functions or attend the actual wedding for whatever reason. It was also a hard realization for me to accept that with cashing this check, I am admitting that she is sick, and things aren’t all rosie, but this is what she wanted, so to honor her wishes at this time, is a little thing that I can do for her. Hope this helps you with your decision.
I have to agree with jma19 and querida - cash it - use it for something wedding related - and honor her with it. BUT - I would also clear this with your dad (its his mother right?). Assuming he knows her better. Just to make sure that she will appreciate the thought behind it and not - “so you just couldnt wait?!” response.
Aww, Miss C. I understand your concerns for cashing the check early, but like PP’s have said, people write checks and expect them to clear ASAP…I dont think its rude of you to cash the check. If you’d like, you can set aside the money until after the wedding, but definitely cash the check, its more polite of you to do so for her to be able to balance her checkbook.
Maybe because I am Asian (or maybe it’s just me) but like what you said, I’d feel totally bad cashing that check and probably wouldn’t do it so soon. I’m never comfortable accepting money from anyone though, so I guess that’s just how I am.
But about it being rude to not cash it for a long time…man, now I feel bad, because I went to my bf’s grandma’s birthday party and bought her a small orchid plant and she sent me a check along with her thank you card. I never cashed it b/c it felt like she was paying for her “present” I got her. =| I hope she isn’t to mad I screwed up her checkbook balancing.
That is so COMPLETELY sweet of your grandmother to be thinking of you when she won’t be able to attend the wedding where you decided to have it . . . .
I agree with the other posters . . . definitely write a thank-you note ASAP and let her know in your thank-you what you plan to use the gift for — either something in the wedding (what a great idea!) or otherwise. You should not wait to cash the check a long time or it risks messing up her financial accounts. (Which reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer convinces Jerry to cash the birthday check from his Nana and that overdraws her account . . . .)
Cash it. If your grandmother is anything like mine, she won’t want to have an outstanding check messing up her balance book. And that way, there’s no possibility of losing it. When you make a purchase for your home/new life together, you can write her another thank you to let her know what her gift went toward.
This post was so sweet that I just had to comment (and I rarely comment to people). My fiance’s grandfather might not make it to our wedding either as his health is not the best and wedding isn’t until November. I was trying to think what we would do.
My advice is to not hold the check until your wedding and think of something specifc that you can tell your grandmother that you’re going to spend it on. Even if you don’t spend it right away, it will be your gift to her that she knows what it’s going to be used for. It was a loving gift so spend it with love.
Definitely cash it. She sent it now wanting you to cash it down.
But definitely think carefully about what you will spend it on and give her the joy of hearing all about it directly from you and in a thank you note.
Mrs. Cookie, Denver
Age and Occupation: 25, Nonprofit Fundraiser/Theatre Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Financial Analyst
Engagement Date: September 2007
Wedding Date: September 2008
Blogging Since: May 8, 2008
Venue: Ten Mile Station
About Me: With a degree in Theatre I never realized that planning a wedding was a lot like Theatre Management, until I started planning my own. I am a coffee addict, especially Starbucks' Grande Mochas, yummy! I love to cook (especially chocolate chip cookies for my honey), travel to exotic places, and be creative. As a couple, Mr. Cookie and I are extremely practical, down to earth, and children at heart. We live in a cozy abode with our adorable Pomeranian, and love to play board games and watch movies into the evening.
Cash it. People write checks and expect them to clear promptly so they can balance their checkbooks. And then proceed to write her the best thank-you note of your life!