Go Big
May 23rd, 2008 @ 8:54 am by Mrs. Penguin
I remember when Mr. Penguin and I first got engaged, my parents and I had that difficult money talk about what I envisioned for our wedding and how much I thought it was going to cost. My dad threw out an arbitrary number, which was about 1/3 of the cost of a “average” wedding. At the time, both my parents thought that the typical American wedding was a ridiculous waste of money. Eventually, they wrote me a check for about 1/2 the amount of what our wedding will end up costing. My dad said I could do whatever I wanted to do with the money…buy a new car, go to the dentist, pay down our mortgage a little, have a wedding, whatever.
Of course, we chose to have the full blown wedding. I’ve always been the kind of person to “do it big or not do it at all.” While I know that our family and friends would support whatever kind of wedding we chose to have, I felt very uncomfortable having people travel across the country, and half way across the world, for that matter, and not show them a decent meal, unlimited drinks, and a nice beautiful Northern California backdrop. We scrimped in many aspects of the wedding, but ultimately, spent my parents entire check on our venue, food and drink, and scrounged up the rest of the money ourselves.
With all the excitement of a big family reunion and how beautiful my mom thinks our wedding will be, she’s 100% sold on the affair. She’s so glad we’re doing it this way. All her sisters are arriving in town from half way across the country, and this is the first time that they’ll all be in the same place at the same time in over 10 years. Had we had a smaller, more intimate wedding, there is no doubt that they would not have come, because, I’m certain Mr. Penguin and I would have done the wedding/honeymoon combo somewhere tropical and private.
But my dad, with mere DAYS left till the wedding, still isn’t sold. “A waste,” he keeps saying. “Focusing too much on one day,” he’ll often mumble.
But I think he doesn’t realize the gravity of how wonderful of an excuse that weddings are for bringing families together. Sure, you can say “Hey, let’s all get together sometime,” But with everyone spread across the continents, it rarely ever happens, if at all. I’m so proud that it’s our wedding that is reuniting our family, and for that matter, uniting my and Mr. Penguin’s families, even if only for one big night. My out of country Aunts have decided to make a big trip out of it, some staying for three weeks, others for over two months.
I sent in our 50% balance for the venue today, paid our florist, and officially closed the door on all the “big” payments I had left to make for the wedding, and my bank account is many thousands of dollars lighter today. Do I think that weddings are the wisest thing to spend your money on? Maybe not.
But coming back to my parents’ house on Monday with a house full of relatives I haven’t seen in years, and may probably not see again for another many years, I’ll know we did the right thing.
Yes, our wedding will cost a decent amount of money. But, even if it was only just a really great excuse for us to all be together as family for a month, then I know it was the right thing to do.
Because sometimes, we all need a really great excuse to reunite as family.
So, what do you think? Is the “big wedding” worth it, or in the end, can the money better be spent elsewhere?
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47 Responses to “Go Big”
I think it all has to do with how much pre-existing debt you have. If you have not so much, then go ahead and have the blowout, especially since it is a huge family affair! If you have financial difficulties, or other pressing financial obligations, I’d have to agree with your dad.
i agree with you completely here….of course the money could be spent elsewhere on things that make more fiscal sense……but for many of us with family flung nationally and internationally we would not be able to see our families otherwise.
we knew that our long distance family would not come into town for a bbq in the park (which is more inline with what we could comfortably afford at the time) nor would they travel at a later date for a reception after we had already been married (for many of our family they would think “whats the point?”) so by making some sacrifices, we have scraped together a plated lunch reception. its not lavish by any means, but at least people will get a belly full and be able to get together and hopefully have a good time……our families only come together for funerals and weddings…..we didn’t want the next time we saw our relatives to be over a coffin.
I am in the same boat. Although, I go back and forth thinking it’s a LOT to spend on one day, which it is. But on the other hand, my fiance’s parents didn’t invite a lot of people, and I was almost pressuring them to give me names and addresses, they would keep saying “oh, they won’t come” referring to FMIL’s uncle, who won’t be that far from the wedding, and they haven’t seen him in like 15 years! I kept saying it’s sad, but true, the only time most family sees each other is weddings and funerals! So let’s at least give them a happy occassion. Turns out people are so freaking excited for the wedding and are cutting vacations short to be there, staying at the wedding longer than the weekend because some people have never been to NY. And I always said I want all my family and friends to be there to see me get married! It’s a reason to celebrate, dammit!! But yes, I agree if it’s a time for our families to meet, reunite, enjoy each other’s company, and have an amazing time, then it’s all worth it!!
GettingMarriedForLess! Thank you on the weddings and funerals thing. I’m glad my family isn’t the only crazy one!
I’m with misschickie - go as big as you can without breaking the bank/going into ridiculous debt. I told my fiance, his parents and my parents at the outset that I didn’t want any of this wedding to go on credit cards. No one should go into debt just to have a good time, and by being very budget conscious and skimping on some things I think we’re going to have a wedding that’s just right for us 
Peng: What a great post! I completely agree with you. My parents have been super generous, but I still hear some grumbling about random things… but what keeps me in check is (like you) realizing that I get to see all these people in one room, together, and celebrating. We definitely went big and I don’t regret it at all.
I think this is a question that many people both in the planning process and after toy with. We had a big wedding, and although could really use some of the money that we put into it now for other things to help furnish our new home, our wedding was probably the only time in our life that all of those friends and family will ever be in one room, get to meet each other, and for some, get a little glimpse into our new hometown. That said, I agree that you should be smart with a budget though and not run up credit card debt over a wedding though as it will start your marriage off on a more difficult foot.
My wedding was a bit expensive for being super-small, but having our families together for a week was absolutely worth every penny. It’s hard to put a price on that stuff.
One of my bridesmaid got married a few years ago, and her mother was completely against spending all the money on one big day. She complained right through the final days before the wedding. But once the day came– it was so filled with joy and laugher, from the bride and groom and the rarely united families and friends– the mother of the bride was on cloud nine. For months afterwards, she kept watching and re-watching the photographer’s slideshow of the day’s pictures– she just loved reliving the day. So you never know, your father may change his mind.
I’ve always been fiscally conservative and practical. This was my excuse to go all out and I do not regret any of the choices I am making. At first my parents also said they would contribute a smaller amount than they will end up contributing. Funny how that works;)
I totally agree. Shortly before I got engaged, both my father AND grandmother died within 6 months of each other. Suffice to say, I’m glad to be providing a wedding and NOT a funeral as an excuse to get my family together! It’s also made me acutely aware that the good times in life are worth celebrating. And we are.
My approach with prioritizing wedding expenses has been do it well, or don’t do it at all. For example, we’re doing really fab (in my opion) welcome bags, but skipping on favors entirely. We’re also having a small-ish wedding — that way we can afford to treat our guests a bit more than if we were having a ton of people.
All that said, it’s not worth going into huge amounts of debt. Just make the most of what you can afford.
We are going BIG. 324 people invited Big. I’m only doing this once and I don’t want to look back and think, if only I would have…. We are conserving in some places (unlimited beer and wine and champagne..not full bar), buffet style set up, not sit down dinner) but these were things I could live with. We booked a huge cathedral and are having it at the Hilton in the grand ballroom and I wouldn’t trade those for anything. I think it all depends on what’s important to you and your fiance. We have family coming from Ecuador, Honduras and London! Part of the excitement is not just actually getting married but seeing everyone we love all together!
Funny. I’m the opposite with my folks. They’re throwing this big sha-bang, and Mom has had to talk me down off a ledge at least 5 times over it. I’m feeling like it’s a tremendous waste of money that could be going to better things. I am excited about it and I know I’m going to love it in the end, but I have an EXTREMELY guilty conscience. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to cancel and elope.
I think GetMarried4Less has the same stance as I do - you can have your family and friends come together and have a wonderful and memorable time without spending tens of thousands of dollars. Live within your means, celebrate your love, but you can really do without the $10 embroidered napkins per person 
I think if you can afford to do it without going into debt, go big! I know, for me, I refuse to put anything on a credit card even though my mother keeps bringing that idea up. But I already have so many credit cards–nothing outstanding, just too many– to pay down before the big day.
We’ve got a year to go and two vedors are already paid for. We’re just going to continue to save and do the best we can.
The biggest expense so far is where we chose to have the ceremony/reception. There’s not a lot to choose from in my area, so we had to go with the nicest, most expensive one.
I know it will be worth it, though. You only get this one day to really celebrate with friends and family the beginning of the rest of your life.
I just want to make it as big and memorable as I can with the money we have.
I know exactly what you mean Pengy!! I don’t regret any of the expenses that went into the happiest day of my life…
It was also the first time we had my mom’s entire side of the family from all over the country, plus 10 of my dad’s side of the family who flew in from Taiwan all together. My parents threw a casual BBQ the Thursday before the wedding, and it was the most wonderful feeling seeing our house filled with family!! Thinking back about our wedding weekend it still gives me the *warm fuzzies* and even brings tears to my eyes =)
Leave it up to you to write a great, thoughtful post!
I get the same shakes of the head, not from my parents, but from Mr. Coconut and his parents. They are all so frugal and think we’re spending too much, and I’m like, what do you mean this is our wedding!!!!
I always say, yeah it’s a chunk of money, but in proportion to how much it means to us versus a year’s salary makes everyone feel a little better. Ten years from now, will you be thinking how much you spent, or will you just look back with fond memories that everyone came out to spend that day with you? Keep up the good thoughts, YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED SOON!!!
That was beautifully written Penguin. I think you are 100% correct. We have some family members coming from out of state, others have just a few hours to travel but the thought of having all 120 people that I really care about in one big room makes me so excited. Family and friends are hugely important to us and we wanted to make sure they were included in our wedding. Going off and eloping would have been nice but I know after the wedding, it is the memories our family and friends will share with us that is most important.
I think it’s a waste if both of your families all live close and see each other on a frequent basis. While yes, it’s an exciting day, if it’s the same people that get together for the family BBQ, you can do something much less exorbitant and it still feels exciting. My fiance’s family ALL live within a 40 minute drive of where we are getting married, with the exception of a mere 2 guests, and even they are only a 4.5 hour drive away. For his side, this wedding is a huge waste of money in their opinion, but they see each other every year for Rosh Hashanah, Thanksgiving, etc.
My family is flying in from California down to Florida. We see each other at weddings and Bat Mitzvahs. We are reuniting sisters that split the difference between Boston, NY, and Florida. My mother will get all her first cousins in the same place at the same time. Hell, this is the only time in my life that I will get my 5 closest friends under the same roof, considering they migrate as far south as Arkansas. For me, I would pay DOUBLE our current rates just to experience this.
We had all of our people coming from all over the place and spent about 1/3 of the amount of the ‘average’ wedding. Big doesn’t have to mean expensive, and fun doesn’t always cost more money.
I mumbled and grumbled the whole time of planning… but in the end I was overjoyed with how many people wanted to go and be a part of our day. I thought esp after seeing all the results. Money well spent. It’ll be a day I’ll never forget and in 5 years I can renew my vows in Hawaii with a smaller group = D
I’ll just give my perspective as a guest at many a long distance wedding. I never felt that the long distance weddings I’ve traveled to had to feel “big” in order to justify my trip to the wedding. I just felt lucky being there regardless of the expense of the wedding. Seeing the bride and groom happy is priceless. As long as you keep it big in “feeling” vs “cost” I think your Dad will totally be on board:) Best of luck!
I understand why you want to go big, especially if you have a very large extended family. I do partially agree with your Dad, I’m not a fan of huge lavish weddings where people spend $500,000 on just one day. But if you can afford it and it won’t harm your financial future, then go for it. It will be worth it.
I totally agree. I had a full blown wedding. Although not lavish and ritzy it was a chance for my entire family on both sides to come together and have a blast. And really. I think that’s what it’s all about in the end. Being surrounded by loved ones 
What a wonderful post. Thank you for expressing my own feeling and doubts better than I ever could. I still get embarrassed when I think how much we’re spending on the wedding. But I don’t think we’re going overboard on anything! We’re just trying to make sure everyone is comfortable and has a good time.
@Michelle: I think if I had to sum up my feelings in a couple sentences, you just hit the nail on the head!!!
dear Pengy,
I whole-heartedly agree with you!
To be honest, my husband and I had little debt to start out with, so our wedding was a lot of money, even for 400+ people. We totally could have skimped, but we didn’t. We wanted everyone to have a good time.
“But my dad, with mere DAYS left till the wedding, still isn’t sold. “A waste,” he keeps saying. “Focusing too much on one day,” he’ll often mumble.”
HAHAHAH My DAD does the same thing!!! same words, but with a lilting asian accent! so it’d be “focus too much on one day”, “burn money” <–uses this for why we don’t have fireworks on the 4th of July!
But- you rock Pengy, and trust me, your relatives and guests will know that you did the best for them and for you!
MY dear Pengy, I am with you on the go big or nothing at all. that’s just how i am. throughout the wedding process, mr. cb and i had many disagreements on our budget and all aspects of our weddings and not to mention the two full blown weddings that we had. In the very end, he appreciated every last bit of craziness i was through the process and the amount love and “togetherness” we had with family and friends that came out to show their support was overwhelmingly wonderful! I say go big!
I’m also on the GO BIG camp. We’re paying for our wedding ourselves, and fiance and I talked about how best to spend our money. We agreed that we would both regret not having a wedding and celebrating with our families in the future. We chose what to “splurge” on (same as yours: food, drink, ambiance), and what to scrimp on (lots of DIY projects), and sometimes we got lucky (booked our photog before he got big).
I know that in the end, we’ll be married and all will be well. But when married bees come back and say that they have no regrets and it was money well spent, I want to be able to say that too!
Miss Penguin, thank you so much for a terrific post!! And Michelle, thank you for your excellent comment — I’m in the same boat. Embarrassed (and feeling guilty) at times because of the total amount and “just one day” aspect — but we’re very definitely (and deliberately) trying not to go overboard on anything. No monogrammed cocktail napkins, as someone mentioned above! We just want all our loved ones to have a wonderful time, and more than one opportunity to get together out here in Calif. over the course of the weekend, so this is definitely ending up in the “big” column. But the last three times either side of my family has gotten together has been for one of my grandparent’s funerals, and I’m really looking forward to spending time with all of them on this happy occasion! (And we won’t go into debt. . . .)
@ bbb, I have to partly agree with you and partly disagree! Fun doesn’t always cost more money — very true! But “big” (in the sense that Miss Penguin just used the word) usually does have to mean more expensive. Feeding 200 people dinner is almost always going to be more expensive than serving punch and cake to 50 people (unless you’re really going all out on that cake!). My parents had 300 people at their wedding in 1966, but that was in my mom’s church’s Fellowship Hall, and it was punch and cake and nibbles like ham biscuits and Jordan almonds. No alcohol (Methodist church)! But at the same time, that was an era where almost all of their friends and family lived in the area — very few people were traveling long distances to attend the wedding, and I don’t know anyone that came from overseas.
The thing that most helps keep me sane about the cost of this wedding is reminding myself that it’s not a competition. The point is not to get some of our wedding photos in a magazine. Yes, we’re ending up spending what — to me — is a boatload of money. But for each choice and each vendor, we considered whether we wanted to do this at all, and how we could do it for less. There will not be any Manolos in my wedding outfit! We are not having a videographer. Etc., etc., etc. On the other hand, music is hugely important to both of us, so we’re spending money on a jazz orchestra . . . .
We’re also going as big as we can without being terribly in debt. My mom and FILs have been fairly generous with their resources and it looks like the final $ will be split between us three ways, much more manageable than us paying ourselves and will allow us to have a nicer wedding than we’d previously thought!
Our wedding is serving the similar extra purpose as yours — my mom and her siblings haven’t all been in one place together for a number of years now (5 sisters and 1 brother) and my wedding will be the time they can all come and celebrate as a full family! It’s going to be loud and crazy, with all the spouses and cousins…but it will be soooo worth it. We’re close with everyone on my mother’s side, and while we see everything fairly often, there’s always a few left out (different states, different countries!). All of my aunts already purchased their outfits for my reception, which I think is hilarious. I think this will be one of the best parts of my wedding day, seeing everyone together =)!
“Big” is so relative. Neither of us have large families, so we had a 60ish person wedding, and spent what was considered “big” to our families (who had cake and punch and got married in their backyard, respectively). Since we didn’t have people coming from terribly far away - no one even flew in -, it felt okay to do a low key afternoon thing with heavy apps. Could we have swung a bigger budget? Sure, probably. But it wouldn’t be a true reflection of us and the lack of pomp we wanted, and we had other financial priorities.
Frankly, if someone is turning down the invite b/c it’s not a plated meal, well, too bad for them. It should be about the memories and the camraderie, not the extravagance of the party.
Your dad sounds exactly like mine. Sometimes I think about it and the gravity of how much money I’m spending on one day hits me. But, this one special day will never happen again (hopefully) and I want to do it big because I will never have the chance to do it again.
This is quite a hot topic, but honestly it is what you make of it. I have been to lavish weddings where I know alot of $$ was put into it. I have been to some that were quite simple. Some that were just down right boring.
Since we are paying for it, we are having a simple yet elegant wedding that we know we can afford and that we know all of our loved ones will enjoy. We are focusing on who will be there to celebrate our big day (we have been dating for 15 yrs, and trying to save up for this big day). I am always a bargain hunter so we feel what we are spending is suffice. It will be great to catch up with our families that we have not seen in yrs on such a happy day!
Go big or go home baby! Can’t wait to see pics.
As far as parental support, both monetary and emotionally goes, I had parents like yours, but didn’t stand up for what I wanted. So, after planning a much smaller event for just family and hating every minute of it, we eloped with our parents in attendance. I’ve been bummed about it for the past 5 years. First off, I’m an event planner, so I LOVE WEDDINGS. Now that my husband and I have been married for 5 years and have a daughter, we’re planning on renewing our vows in a ceremony performed by my best friend who is a minister and then having a lavish (I’m an ex-chef and we’re both huge foodies) dinner party for around 50 people afterwards. My point is that if you can do it, DO IT. This is your day to do what makes you and your fiance happy. You will remember this day for the rest of your life. Make great memories.
I had frequent panic attacks about the cost of our wedding for the first 6-9 months. But then my FI finally said that “This is the only time we will do this. It’s a very special day, and the photos will be on our walls forever. It’s worth spending extra and getting everything just like we want it.” I’m not going to pretend that I stopped freaking out about cost entirely (I’m veeery frugle), but it put everything in perspective. I feel better after reading everyone’s comments!
I just wanted to say I too think this is a wonderful post and a wonderful outlook on weddings… so many ppl catagorize us as Bridezillas, getting to wrapped up in “OUR” day when really as you can see by the responses above and most the posts on this site, we are just trying to bring our friends and family together and make sure they have fun and at the end of the day be married
P.S. I went to a wedding last year, where the Priest said, “Take a look around this is going to be the only time in your life you this group of ppl are going to all be together for one occasion, do take that for granted, enjoy this day.”
I will never forget that!
Whether to go with a big, more expensive wedding is such a subjective question because it so depends on one’s situation, which is different for everyone. That said, if you can afford it and have the desire to do so, go for it. To stop parental grumbling, do what we did and pay for it yourselves. Not one regret on our part.
I know how you feel but with our situation, we’re paying for the wedding ourselves…YET his mother keeps “suggesting” that we should do it small, so that we don’t waste money, save it for house, kids, etc. She even mentioned going away and getting married by ourselves and coming back for a small celebration. I was a bit offended but knew she only meant well. I finally came to it and pretty much said, F*** it, it’s our wedding, we’re paying for it, we can do what we want! :o)
There’s definitely a difference between the price of a wedding and the value of the wedding. Similar to what AliCherri1 said, a friend told me about her wedding when she looked up at all the smiling faces of her friends & family she was overwhelmed by the love and support. She got choked up just re-telling the story. It’s definitely one of the things I’m really looking forward to at my wedding…even though I occasionally still dream about eloping.
We are having a relatively small wedding (50 guests for the wedding and breakfast; 50 more in the evening) but I still completely agree with your thought about bringing the family together. I am so glad we are getting the opportunity to do that.
This isn’t a platinum wedding you are planning. I think that you are striving to keep things guest-centric, which is something you will never regret. I think your father will come around eventually. Don’t most?
Pengy, I’m chiming in super late, I know, but let me tell you- it absolutely was worth it. All of it. Every damn cent, even if we ended up spending close to twice what we had planned to.
Like you, the focus for us was throwing a hell of a party, and the vast majority of our expenses went towards food, drink and entertainment. And it was totally worth it. So many people said that they had the time of their lives, and it was absolutely amazing to have so many people near and dear to us together in the same room. Your Dad will come around by Saturday night, if he hasn’t already.
Mrs. Penguin, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 26, Video & TV Producer/Director/Editor
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I'm a silly mess of a girl who, above all else in this world, LOVES the Spice Girls. I eat sushi at least 3 times a week, and feel guilty about how much it costs the other 4 days a week. I love designer jeans and cheap accessories. I don't like sweets, but I love the UCLA Bruins!
I’m having a large-ish wedding as well and I’m really happy we chose to go in this direction. Not to say that there weren’t moments when eloping wasn’t seriously considered, but the fact that our friends and family are travelling to join us on this important day gives me warm fuzzies all over. I’ve heard the whole “it’s just one day” grumbles…but family and friends are really important to us (and there are a lot of them)…and we wanted to share this with them.