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I remember when Mr. Penguin and I first got engaged, my parents and I had that difficult money talk about what I envisioned for our wedding and how much I thought it was going to cost. My dad threw out an arbitrary number, which was about 1/3 of the cost of a “average” wedding. At the time, both my parents thought that the typical American wedding was a ridiculous waste of money. Eventually, they wrote me a check for about 1/2 the amount of what our wedding will end up costing. My dad said I could do whatever I wanted to do with the money…buy a new car, go to the dentist, pay down our mortgage a little, have a wedding, whatever.
Of course, we chose to have the full blown wedding. I’ve always been the kind of person to “do it big or not do it at all.” While I know that our family and friends would support whatever kind of wedding we chose to have, I felt very uncomfortable having people travel across the country, and half way across the world, for that matter, and not show them a decent meal, unlimited drinks, and a nice beautiful Northern California backdrop. We scrimped in many aspects of the wedding, but ultimately, spent my parents entire check on our venue, food and drink, and scrounged up the rest of the money ourselves.
With all the excitement of a big family reunion and how beautiful my mom thinks our wedding will be, she’s 100% sold on the affair. She’s so glad we’re doing it this way. All her sisters are arriving in town from half way across the country, and this is the first time that they’ll all be in the same place at the same time in over 10 years. Had we had a smaller, more intimate wedding, there is no doubt that they would not have come, because, I’m certain Mr. Penguin and I would have done the wedding/honeymoon combo somewhere tropical and private.
But my dad, with mere DAYS left till the wedding, still isn’t sold. “A waste,” he keeps saying. “Focusing too much on one day,” he’ll often mumble.
But I think he doesn’t realize the gravity of how wonderful of an excuse that weddings are for bringing families together. Sure, you can say “Hey, let’s all get together sometime,” But with everyone spread across the continents, it rarely ever happens, if at all. I’m so proud that it’s our wedding that is reuniting our family, and for that matter, uniting my and Mr. Penguin’s families, even if only for one big night. My out of country Aunts have decided to make a big trip out of it, some staying for three weeks, others for over two months.
I sent in our 50% balance for the venue today, paid our florist, and officially closed the door on all the “big” payments I had left to make for the wedding, and my bank account is many thousands of dollars lighter today. Do I think that weddings are the wisest thing to spend your money on? Maybe not.
But coming back to my parents’ house on Monday with a house full of relatives I haven’t seen in years, and may probably not see again for another many years, I’ll know we did the right thing.
Yes, our wedding will cost a decent amount of money. But, even if it was only just a really great excuse for us to all be together as family for a month, then I know it was the right thing to do.
Because sometimes, we all need a really great excuse to reunite as family.
So, what do you think? Is the “big wedding” worth it, or in the end, can the money better be spent elsewhere?
I’m having a large-ish wedding as well and I’m really happy we chose to go in this direction. Not to say that there weren’t moments when eloping wasn’t seriously considered, but the fact that our friends and family are travelling to join us on this important day gives me warm fuzzies all over. I’ve heard the whole “it’s just one day” grumbles…but family and friends are really important to us (and there are a lot of them)…and we wanted to share this with them.
I think it all has to do with how much pre-existing debt you have. If you have not so much, then go ahead and have the blowout, especially since it is a huge family affair! If you have financial difficulties, or other pressing financial obligations, I’d have to agree with your dad.
i agree with you completely here….of course the money could be spent elsewhere on things that make more fiscal sense……but for many of us with family flung nationally and internationally we would not be able to see our families otherwise.
we knew that our long distance family would not come into town for a bbq in the park (which is more inline with what we could comfortably afford at the time) nor would they travel at a later date for a reception after we had already been married (for many of our family they would think “whats the point?”) so by making some sacrifices, we have scraped together a plated lunch reception. its not lavish by any means, but at least people will get a belly full and be able to get together and hopefully have a good time……our families only come together for funerals and weddings…..we didn’t want the next time we saw our relatives to be over a coffin.
I am in the same boat. Although, I go back and forth thinking it’s a LOT to spend on one day, which it is. But on the other hand, my fiance’s parents didn’t invite a lot of people, and I was almost pressuring them to give me names and addresses, they would keep saying “oh, they won’t come” referring to FMIL’s uncle, who won’t be that far from the wedding, and they haven’t seen him in like 15 years! I kept saying it’s sad, but true, the only time most family sees each other is weddings and funerals! So let’s at least give them a happy occassion. Turns out people are so freaking excited for the wedding and are cutting vacations short to be there, staying at the wedding longer than the weekend because some people have never been to NY. And I always said I want all my family and friends to be there to see me get married! It’s a reason to celebrate, dammit!! But yes, I agree if it’s a time for our families to meet, reunite, enjoy each other’s company, and have an amazing time, then it’s all worth it!!
GettingMarriedForLess! Thank you on the weddings and funerals thing. I’m glad my family isn’t the only crazy one!
I’m with misschickie - go as big as you can without breaking the bank/going into ridiculous debt. I told my fiance, his parents and my parents at the outset that I didn’t want any of this wedding to go on credit cards. No one should go into debt just to have a good time, and by being very budget conscious and skimping on some things I think we’re going to have a wedding that’s just right for us 
Peng: What a great post! I completely agree with you. My parents have been super generous, but I still hear some grumbling about random things… but what keeps me in check is (like you) realizing that I get to see all these people in one room, together, and celebrating. We definitely went big and I don’t regret it at all.
I think this is a question that many people both in the planning process and after toy with. We had a big wedding, and although could really use some of the money that we put into it now for other things to help furnish our new home, our wedding was probably the only time in our life that all of those friends and family will ever be in one room, get to meet each other, and for some, get a little glimpse into our new hometown. That said, I agree that you should be smart with a budget though and not run up credit card debt over a wedding though as it will start your marriage off on a more difficult foot.
My wedding was a bit expensive for being super-small, but having our families together for a week was absolutely worth every penny. It’s hard to put a price on that stuff.
One of my bridesmaid got married a few years ago, and her mother was completely against spending all the money on one big day. She complained right through the final days before the wedding. But once the day came– it was so filled with joy and laugher, from the bride and groom and the rarely united families and friends– the mother of the bride was on cloud nine. For months afterwards, she kept watching and re-watching the photographer’s slideshow of the day’s pictures– she just loved reliving the day. So you never know, your father may change his mind.
I’ve always been fiscally conservative and practical. This was my excuse to go all out and I do not regret any of the choices I am making. At first my parents also said they would contribute a smaller amount than they will end up contributing. Funny how that works;)
I totally agree. Shortly before I got engaged, both my father AND grandmother died within 6 months of each other. Suffice to say, I’m glad to be providing a wedding and NOT a funeral as an excuse to get my family together! It’s also made me acutely aware that the good times in life are worth celebrating. And we are.
My approach with prioritizing wedding expenses has been do it well, or don’t do it at all. For example, we’re doing really fab (in my opion) welcome bags, but skipping on favors entirely. We’re also having a small-ish wedding — that way we can afford to treat our guests a bit more than if we were having a ton of people.
All that said, it’s not worth going into huge amounts of debt. Just make the most of what you can afford.
We are going BIG. 324 people invited Big. I’m only doing this once and I don’t want to look back and think, if only I would have…. We are conserving in some places (unlimited beer and wine and champagne..not full bar), buffet style set up, not sit down dinner) but these were things I could live with. We booked a huge cathedral and are having it at the Hilton in the grand ballroom and I wouldn’t trade those for anything. I think it all depends on what’s important to you and your fiance. We have family coming from Ecuador, Honduras and London! Part of the excitement is not just actually getting married but seeing everyone we love all together!
Funny. I’m the opposite with my folks. They’re throwing this big sha-bang, and Mom has had to talk me down off a ledge at least 5 times over it. I’m feeling like it’s a tremendous waste of money that could be going to better things. I am excited about it and I know I’m going to love it in the end, but I have an EXTREMELY guilty conscience. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to cancel and elope.
I think GetMarried4Less has the same stance as I do - you can have your family and friends come together and have a wonderful and memorable time without spending tens of thousands of dollars. Live within your means, celebrate your love, but you can really do without the $10 embroidered napkins per person 
I think if you can afford to do it without going into debt, go big! I know, for me, I refuse to put anything on a credit card even though my mother keeps bringing that idea up. But I already have so many credit cards–nothing outstanding, just too many– to pay down before the big day.
We’ve got a year to go and two vedors are already paid for. We’re just going to continue to save and do the best we can.
The biggest expense so far is where we chose to have the ceremony/reception. There’s not a lot to choose from in my area, so we had to go with the nicest, most expensive one.
I know it will be worth it, though. You only get this one day to really celebrate with friends and family the beginning of the rest of your life.
I just want to make it as big and memorable as I can with the money we have.
I know exactly what you mean Pengy!! I don’t regret any of the expenses that went into the happiest day of my life…
It was also the first time we had my mom’s entire side of the family from all over the country, plus 10 of my dad’s side of the family who flew in from Taiwan all together. My parents threw a casual BBQ the Thursday before the wedding, and it was the most wonderful feeling seeing our house filled with family!! Thinking back about our wedding weekend it still gives me the *warm fuzzies* and even brings tears to my eyes =)
Leave it up to you to write a great, thoughtful post!
I get the same shakes of the head, not from my parents, but from Mr. Coconut and his parents. They are all so frugal and think we’re spending too much, and I’m like, what do you mean this is our wedding!!!!
I always say, yeah it’s a chunk of money, but in proportion to how much it means to us versus a year’s salary makes everyone feel a little better. Ten years from now, will you be thinking how much you spent, or will you just look back with fond memories that everyone came out to spend that day with you? Keep up the good thoughts, YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED SOON!!!
That was beautifully written Penguin. I think you are 100% correct. We have some family members coming from out of state, others have just a few hours to travel but the thought of having all 120 people that I really care about in one big room makes me so excited. Family and friends are hugely important to us and we wanted to make sure they were included in our wedding. Going off and eloping would have been nice but I know after the wedding, it is the memories our family and friends will share with us that is most important.
I think it’s a waste if both of your families all live close and see each other on a frequent basis. While yes, it’s an exciting day, if it’s the same people that get together for the family BBQ, you can do something much less exorbitant and it still feels exciting. My fiance’s family ALL live within a 40 minute drive of where we are getting married, with the exception of a mere 2 guests, and even they are only a 4.5 hour drive away. For his side, this wedding is a huge waste of money in their opinion, but they see each other every year for Rosh Hashanah, Thanksgiving, etc.
My family is flying in from California down to Florida. We see each other at weddings and Bat Mitzvahs. We are reuniting sisters that split the difference between Boston, NY, and Florida. My mother will get all her first cousins in the same place at the same time. Hell, this is the only time in my life that I will get my 5 closest friends under the same roof, considering they migrate as far south as Arkansas. For me, I would pay DOUBLE our current rates just to experience this.
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Mrs. Penguin, Northern California Age and Occupation: 27, Weddingbee Editor in Chief Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Doctor of Physical Therapy Engagement Date: January 29, 2007 Wedding Date: June 7, 2008 Blogging Since: September 14, 2007 Venue: Winery in the Gold Country About Me: I love the Spice Girls, dogs with underbites, bean burritos, making messes, high fives, avoiding showers, crossword puzzles, blogs, weddings, and blogs about weddings!
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