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Hey, have any of you guys noticed that weddings don’t seem to be “cool” these days? Outside of Weddingbee, the knot and the wedding industry, I mean. I don’t feel that any real negativity has been directed at me, but it does seem like people our age think planning a big (by “big” I mean lots of planning, not necessarily expensive) wedding is kind of…lame. Kind of like how pink and girly-girls are kind of “out.” Am I the only one who has noticed this?
I first noticed the negativity toward weddings when I came across a book called, “One Perfect Day, the Selling of the American Wedding” by Rebecca Mead. Actually, I came across an article in the NY Times about that book (which actually caused a major wedding freak-out during which I almost called the whole thing off!). Indirectly related is the media’s sudden attention to unjust practices in diamond mining (I, for one, am very thankful for that attention, don’t get me wrong). The conflict diamonds men buy for their brides-to-be seem to be more evidence supporting the argument that weddings are self-indulgent and shallow.
And that’s not all– I’ve noticed a lot of stuff in the media calling attention to the massive amounts of money brought in by the wedding industry; it is then implied or outright stated that people are wasting their money. Then we’ve got shows like “Bridezillas” or “My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding,” which chronicle brides who spend exorbitant amounts of money fulfilling their childhood wedding fantasies, complete with poofy white princess gowns, 10 foot tall ice sculptures and thousands of dollars in “bling.”
When older women find out I’m getting married, they usually congratulate me and seem geniuinely excited for me. Sometimes I get the same reaction from girls my age. But I’ve also had people look at me and say, “I don’t really understand the whole wedding thing…if it were me, I’d just go down to the courthouse and get married. I don’t really need a wedding.” Which, of course, implies that I need a wedding. Which implies that I have some sort of deficit that I’m filling with a giant diamond, a three thousand dollar dress and a 300-person audience full of adoring fans.
And I so don’t want to be viewed that way. I don’t think any of us do. I think that’s why being called “bridezilla” is like, the worst insult ever. Last week I was in a paper store getting paper for a job when an employee at the store commented on all the “bridezillas” who want their paper to match. If a designer wants all their paper to match (ie, me), it’s not a negative thing. But with an engagement ring on your finger? You’re automatically labeled as nuts.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since. What is my motivation for having a wedding and spending a lot of money on one day? For me, it’s about showing our families a good time, and creating memories. Some of my favorite memories are of my cousins’ weddings. Family is super important to both Mr. Cream Puff and I, and really focusing on something pleasant in life is not something we are able to do very often. I, for one, am super excited about this. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Sure, this money could be put toward a down payment on a house (although it still wouldn’t get us to the amount of money we’d need!). But at the end of my life, I don’t think I’m going to think, “crap, I really wish we had been able to buy a house a couple of years earlier.” I think I’ll treasure the time spent with my family and my fiancé, celebrating.
What about you guys? What is your reason for having a wedding? Do you think you’ll regret spending so much money on one day?
I dont’ regret my 13,000 wedding one day. Yeah, we could’ve bought half a car or something but this is the one time we can throw a party!!
There is a lot of negativity these days and I got it from a lot of coworkers too “why are you spending so much” “that’s crazy” yadda yadda yadda.
I just ignored them and if they called me a bridezilla, I said of course I am! I am paying lots of money for things to go my way! Any consumer who paid for calla lilies and got carnations instead would go off! What if you ordered pancakes and got a waffle, same difference.
I didn’t go overboard but it was nice and lovely and perfectly planned out. Whatever, just tell them well if you think it’s so stupid, then that’s one more person I dont’ have to invite! HA!
Oh and the diamond thing, even “conflict-free KCPS” diamonds can be forged. I don’t buy into the whole thing that there’s a conflict free stone but I don’t have a huge one either. That’s just me though!
Miss CP
Well I have gone back and forth between wanting a wedding and wanting a house - you know that argument - take the money and buy a house.
But when I think about it - I really want the wedding - I want the memories, I want the event, I want to be surronded by the people I care about and have them in my life, and say “thanks for making me who I am,” that’s what I want. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with it!
Blame it on Disney, or our society, but I want it. So I see nothing wrong with being happy and wanting a wedding! :0)
To each their own!
I haven’t gotten that much of a backlash except a few people telling me that they just went to the courthouse and skipped the whole “wedding thing.” Ummm… the “thing” you skipped was the wedding. No “thing.” Just wedding.
What I get more is, ‘You’re getting married? That’s so great. Are you stressed???’
no. I am not stressed. I’m getting married, Not saving the world. I’m a lawyer. I would say it’s seven zillion times more stressful to put on a court case than it is to hire a dj. Are you kidding me? I finally said to my aunt, “I think most people are stressed b/c they want the day to be perfect. I am not perfect and neither is FH (a fact he disputes). Therefore, we’re not aiming for perfect. We’re aiming a little lower. We just want a lovely day with people we love.”
CRAZY.
I’m sorry people are being snotty to you. Maybe they’re jealous.
Good post! I want a wedding because I feel like I’ve fought to hard to be able to marry my wife-to-be and now I want to celebrate, dammit! And since we are now living far away from our loved ones, we want them all to come and visit. It made leaving California a little easier knowing that we’d have a big reunion in Vancouver. Oh and definitely for the memories! My grandparents are in their late 80s and we feel so blessed that they will be able to be at our wedding.
I agree with everything you said above and I do not think I’ll regret spending this money on the wedding. I would gladly put off buying a house or whatever else for a year or so for the sake of having this celebration with all our family and friends. The main person in my life who says this whole “wedding thing” is unnecessary is my FMIL. HOWEVER, she has commented/complained in the past to FFIL about how she did not get to have a wedding (they just went to the courthouse). So which is it, does she wish she had a wedding or does she think it’s a waste of money? Probably somewhere in between. I just politely tell her (over and over) and any others with similar comments that each person has different preferenceS and we all need to do what we want so that we don’t have regrets later in life (i.e. HER).
I think some backlash is well-deserved. I like reading weddingbee and theknot, but I think most women on these web sites spend waaayy too much time planning and worrying about their wedding and stressing out over little things. (Not everyone, but a significant percentage) I LOVE the book One Perfect Day - I do think it’s an industry geared at making women spend more in search of a perfect ideal day that doesn’t exist.
That being said, we’re spending a decent chunk of change on our wedding, but its our money (not our parents) and we’re being as environmentally sensitive as possible (not using programs, menus, etc. which I think are a waste of paper) and we’re really just spending it on food and alcohol so that people have a good time. I could care less whether everything matches or whether I have searched high and low for the perfect hairpiece, as long as I’m marrying my fiance and get to party with my friends and family.
Excellent post. One of the best I’ve seen on here in a while.
Weddings aren’t only about the happy couple.
I have two brothers. One was married at town hall on leap year day this year. We received an email a few days before, they went on their own, and it was done. No party. They accomplished their goal. Somehow, the rest of the family (myself included) feels a little left out. We would have liked to celebrate with them. I’m thrilled for them, I just wish I could have been there in person to give them a hug.
My other brother just proposed this past weekend. They will be going the more traditional route. I immediately emailed my future SIL and told her how excited I was for them and to let her know I would be happy to help in any way I can. I hope the planning process will be a bonding experience. The wedding itself, however they choose to do it up, will be special because it will include family.
For my own wedding, I don’t regret a penny. It was an amazing party, and the very last event an elderly relative attended, so it was the last time many of my family members saw her. People still tell me that they talk about how much fun it was.
Individuals can make all the generalizations about weddings that they like. Don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. It really is an opportunity for all to celebrate, not just the bride and groom
CreamPuff,
i’m dealing with this phenomenon with my future inlaws. regardless of the fact that many bees would find my budget laughable-its miniscule compared to the standard- anything outside of a bbq in the backyard is considered extravagant in their eyes. I am frustrated with constantly being on the defense. i am frustrated with them being hypocritical and right after telling us that we are “fancy” berating us for not waiting longer so we could save more money and invite more people!
it upsets me sooo much. i don’t look forward to talking to them at all bc they find something wrong with everything that we’re doing. they pick, pick, pick.
Why am i having a wedding? Bc we wanted a celebration. we wanted to bring together family and friends to love and support us as we start our lives together. I won’t regret spending the money that we plan to on the wedding…primarily bc we have such a small budget. our wedding budget could not buy a car, could not act as a downpayment for a home, ect
Sorry for the vent……i just dealt with fh’s parents this past weekend regarding this. 
To Monica Gellar of F*R*I*E*N*D*S’ horror, my motivation for the wedding is to have a great party for all my loved ones to share in my joy. The wedding IS in essence, a party… the marriage is so much more. I want everyone to get a feel for who I am and who the FI is… and what better venue than our wedding!
As for the negativity about weddings, I’ve been victim to that too, but in a lot of cases, understandably so. I have co-workers who are recently divorced, and lgbt friends who are angry at the institution of marriage, and who repeatedly tell me I’m crazy to get married. While I respect their opinion, it is just an opinion.
I do agree that weddings are overpriced and vendors are ridiculous to charge the fees they do just because the word “wedding” is attached… but I do believe I would regret it if I didn’t have the wedding that I dreamed.
What I dream, luckily for me, doesn’t involve some fancy overpriced venue, or some $10k gown though… but an excuse to celebrate and bring all the people that mean something to me and FI together, and additionally, it is a motivation to get my creative juices flowing with some DIY! They can throw eggs at me all they want, but I love wedding planning and their comments won’t change that. 
what exactly is the difference in putting the money into a wedding or into a house?? If you’re buying something you truly want with your very own money, why would anyone think they have the right to comment?? Sometimes I think that maybe we’re crazy for spending this much, but it’s the choice we made b/c we want this huge celebration of our huge love. Need it? No. Want it? Worked hard for it? Choose it? Yes. More power to you (and me!). Thanks for the post
I’ve seen actually the opposite. My FH and I are planning our an outdoor wedding & reception in one area. We are only having about 50 people to keep it intimate. We have hired rentals (tent, linens, chairs, etc.) and the typical caterer, music, photog, etc.
However, when I tell people (some friends) I get this look like ‘Oh, poor thing can’t afford a nicer wedding.’ Or ‘Really, why would you want to stress yourself out just to save some money?’
When the reality is, doing things yourself or “low key” isn’t necessarily “cheaper”. And who cares if it was?! This is the way we want to do it. Sometimes the media and others around me make me feel less b/c we are not having this HUGE, expensive event. Sorry, but our “event” is a ceremony for us to announce it the way we want.
I find it funny how people will openly give their “opinions” without thinking how rude it can be.
However any couple wants to celebrate their union should be up to them. Period.
Everything in moderation.
I’m sitting here now (way to pick my brain and to get the ol’ wheels churning wondering about WHY weddings get all the scrutiny.
In some ways I do think that the wedding industry has gotten a little out of control but I’m not sure why it seems to stand out when there are so many other things that get out of hand too (sweet sixteen birthday parties, “cribs” style homes, etc). Maybe I should just lay off the MTV 
And as far as people giving their unsolicited advice about their opinion on weddings (that aren’t their own) when did “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all” just kinda go POOF and vanish?
I think there are two issues here. First, and more troubling, is wedding exploitation by vendors. I mean, really, does a hotel need to charge 5k to rent the ballroom? Do photographers really need to charge $6000? Obviously price is a sliding scale based on lots of factors. But the reality is that vendors charge $$$ because they can. And that is the second issue. Lots of brides/grooms are willing to pay the inflated prices–some because there is no alternative, some because they equate $$$ to happiness/quality. This second issue is, however, becoming more and more of a non issue with the help of the internet (talk about leveling the price playing field), DIY, and with alternative weddings becoming more socially acceptable.
People who want to preach will preach about anything–so it’s not so much against you or your wedding.
I have definitely found this! I’m a law student who just graduated from one of the top ten law schools and it was definitely WAY uncool for me to be excited about my wedding.
Other female colleagues of mine were/are in the process of getting married, but when weddings come up most of their comments are “I could care less — I just gave the whole planning thing to my mom,” or “I have more important things to be thinking about than invitations.” It is basically cool to put people like me who care about weddings down because the pursuit is not intellectual or serious enough to care about. I swear, I think some women felt like I was stupid for spending time on my wedding.
Can’t wait until the honors list is published…I graduated cum laude. So there! Obviously this is a touchy subject for me….
I have many reasons for wanting to have a wedding but the most important one is that I have been lucky enough to find the right man for me and I want to share my joy with my family and friends. Yes, I could spend the money on paying down my student loans. Yes, we could put the money towards a new house. But I will only have one day where I make the choice to spend the rest of my life with one person and I feel that making that committment and sharing it with the people we love is worth a thousand times more than what ths wedding is costing us. So no regrets for me!
I say if you’ve totally got the money, and it’s not a strain on anyone involved, and you are at peace with it, then enjoy! (and also invite me)
In our case, we really didn’t have the money at the time, and it would have been a strain, so we opted for something really tiny instead, which was wonderful.
I agree with SKM — if it’s something you want and can afford, it’s not a waste
The anti-wedding set is also the same who say “valentines day is a hallmark scam”…
Just depends on how you view the world.
And I love love love parties. (so I’m having one!)
And that’s all a wedding is, a big party, (no need to stress out, or go into debt over a party)
when brides try to make it into the greatest day of their lives, thats when it takes a turn for the worse.
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Mrs. Cream Puff, San Francisco Bay Area Age and Occupation: 25, Illustrator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Merchandise Planner Engagement Date: May 27, 2007 Wedding Date: August, 2008 Blogging Since: February 7, 2008 Venue: Ceremony at Crissy Field and Reception at the Green Room About Me: I never dreamed about my wedding as a little girl because I was too busy playing in the mud or pretending to be Martha Stewart–but now that it's here, I'm having a fabulous time DIYing everything in sight! We’re planning a very fun multicultural wedding (I'm Jewish and Mr. Cream Puff is Chinese), filled with as many personal details as I can muster.
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