Picture courtesy of www.daria-snadowsky.com
Before I dated Mr. Hummingbird, I went out with about 12 different people and of those dirty dozen, as I affectionately call them, I really only seriously dated three.
I met the first of the three back when I was a senior in high school. I was 17 and fasttracking so I could graduate early, so I was reasonably smart when it came to academics. However, what I wasn’t smart about was relationships and as a result, I ended up in what I would probably call the worst relationship of my life.
He tried to control who I hung out with. He harassed me about my diet. He always wanted to keep tabs on my whereabouts. He called me names and berated me in front of his friends. Basically, he was a Grade A jerk, but being so young and unsure of myself (he was a few years older than me), I made excuses for his ridiculous behaviour, thinking I just didn’t know what I was doing dating-wise and that it was my fault.
Our relationship ended four months later when during an argument we were having, I finally saw his true horrible colours and dumped him once and for all.
Unfortunately, this eye opening experience didn’t fully hit me until years later when I realized, after boyfriend numbers two and three (drinker and cheater respectively), that I was picking my partners poorly and that I deserved much better. I knew there was no point being bitter about it, because there were awesome guys out there (my father, my grandfather and my best friend showed me that), but if I was going to keep dating and looking for a relationship, I had to seriously raise my standards.
Mr. Hummingbird was the first guy I went out with after making the decision to do this. He and I got along like gangbusters, but we got too intense too quickly, and a few weeks in, we temporarily called things off. When he called me again a week after our separation, I put it all on the line: I like you, but I’m not here to play games or be treated poorly, so if that’s what you’re into, I’m out.It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to say, but after years of crappy relationships, it was time for me to say it. As for Mr. Hum, he ended up totally impressing me with his reaction. Not only did he respond to it well, but we talked for a long time and we decided to move forward together (and have been doing so ever since).
The reason I’m thinking of all of this now is because I saw boyfriend number one a few days ago on the street buying a hot dog. He didn’t see me and I did not stop to talk to him, but the experience of seeing him again reminded me that, while it was not a good relationship for me, it probably did help shape my dating perspective in a way and was part of the path that led me to someone who I love and who treats me well.
It can be hard to be Zen about breakups and past relationships, but I’m curious - what relationships before your husband/fiance shaped your dating view? What did you learn from them?
I have a strong personality, and I’m in a male-dominated field the pays pretty well…I realized I ended up being “the man” in the relationship. I had one BF that cried more than me, even to the point of BOOHOO’ing….guys that LOVED to shop, even to the point of having huge CC debt & small income. While income isn’t that important, it is nice to know that I know can CHOOSE if I want to work after kids, bc I trust my FH’s w/ finances & his work ethic.
Sometimes I get frustrated at my FH’s lack of hygiene or caring about style, but then I realize the PACKAGE DEAL is SO WORTH IT! Sure, he doesn’t sit around and express his emotions all the time, but then again, he doesn’t sit around and express HIS emotions all the time!
My FH’s stubbornness makes me cuckoo sometimes, but in the end I respect him for also having strong convictions.
Plus, every once in awhile he surprises me by caring about a shower curtain or one of my craft projects, and I think what a good pair we make!
boyfriend number one must have been before you learned to use your elbows as weapons.
I have luckily never been in a “bad” relationship meaning abusive or scary but they were all not good looking back. The most serious boyfriend I had before Mr. P was a nice guy in every sense of the word. He was a gentle giant. That is what made breaking up with him so hard. He was kind, but boring. I spent more nights out with my friends than with him because he wanted to stay home and play video games. I love being busy and going on adventures and I knew that I would be settling if I stayed with him.
You have to have bad experiences to truly be able to appreciate the special someone who treats you with love and respect. I’ve had jerk ex’s but didn’t realize how much they were jerks until I was with someone else who treated me kindly and with respect. Shortly after I told myself that I will show more self respect and no longer let these clowns make me feel used, I met my fiancé. 
I was just talking about this last night. When I was 18 I was practically engaged (Read: Promise Ring) to someone I can’t even IMAGINE being married to - nevertheless even dating - now. He wasn’t a bad guy, but we wouldn’t have been a good match. Looking back on that, I realize how silly and naive I was at that age. I’m glad I waited to get married but I’m also glad I had that experience to learn from!
Nothing short of ironic - the same best friend that helped me through two unhealthy relationships, staying glued to my side the entire time, ends up being the one I’m going to marry.
But I learned so much about myself from the others (and so did he, as he was hearing me gripe about the ex’s while I was dating them) that we have a near-perfect relationship now. It works.
Oh boy– did I have some B-A-D relationships in the past. Envy, sloth, lust… I basically hit each one of the Seven Deadly Boyfriend Sins at least once! Pair that up with some low self-esteem issues, and it was basically a revolving door of unending angst.
When I met mr beanchar, I had spent about two years by myself and had really become happy and comfortable being alone. So, I knew what I needed from him if I was going to pursue this relationship, and that instead of trying to fill a “hole” in my life, as I had to “make room” for him to be in my life.
So thank you narcisistic a-holes, insanely jealous d*ckheads, sexed-up maniacs, self-destructive booze hounds, and just plain lazy jerks of my past! You didn’t make me happy, but I did learn a lot. 
And thank you to the apparently nice-but-not-the-one women who dated mr beanchar and trained him to be such a great boyfriend and husband. I hope you gals ended up with someone fabulous too!
Hello dating twin! My friends could tell you I was GOOD a picking losers and then after my last horrible relationship I decided that I was going to look for a different guy and then enter FH Cherri He is the totally opposite of what I used to date and is perfect for me.
Me too. I was in a 5-year relationship that wasn’t health in so many ways. We didn’t even view the world in the same way. I was under so much stress during that relationship that the “tough” spots in my relationship with FI is on par with ordering dinner with my last BF. My FI also had an long-term-yet-horrid relationship, so we both are SO GRATEFUL for the other. Nothing gets taken for granted in our relationship! There are always reminders of how understanding he is and how we bring out the best of each other. Most importantly, FI isn’t just “better than the last guy” - he is truly perfect for me.
I was a dating queen! I had my share of long relationships, along with my flings. hehe. I only had 2 serious bf’s before FI. My first was like yours, high school bf. He was my first everything. Treated me like crap (not in the begining, but about 6mths into the relationship). Verbal abuse, some physical, cheated on me…the works. It took me 2.5 years to get away from him. Second serious guy I dated was about 2 years later. I dated him for 3.5 years, although he had some emotional issues and would break up with me just about every other month, so I did a lot of inbetween dating, although I only did that after he had cheated on me and I had to move out of our house. Lesson learned, some guys don’t deserve a million second chances. 9mths later I met FI. We also had a rocky first year. Really rocky. But all that blew over and we’ve been solid ever since. I don’t regret my past relationships, they made me who I am today. But I do wish they wouldn’t have lasted as long as they did, but I only have myself to blame for that. :o)
It’s true, both the good and the bad of past relationships can be extremely illuminating in realising when you’ve found a good match.
my first serious boyfriend was a NIGHTMARE! he was emotionally abusive and made me believe that i was uninteresting, pretentious and fat. it took me a while to be confident in what i do after that. looking back on it now, i really could have done more with my life and my career had i just dumped his ass when i wanted to THREE MONTHS into the relationship (we were together for almost THREE YEARS) moral of the story: don’t be with ANYONE who talks you down. it’s not worth it.
Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
Oh, absolutely. Before I met my FI, I dated a guy for 5 years who broke up with me completely out of the blue. I was devastated, but slowly realized that our communication skills were incredibly poor and that maybe if I was better at talking to him about issues I could have seen it coming (or maybe we would have broken up a long time ago!). So with FI, from the beginning I really tried to be very open about everything, which was HARD. He wouldn’t have it any other way, though, so it made it easier and it has really made us so much closer and ready for this big step (that we’re making in 10 days!). So even though I still have a lot of anger toward the ex, I also think of it as a lesson learned (and a bullet dodged since he wanted to get back together months later!).
Great post!