Picture courtesy of www.hiddenartshop.com
Mr. Hummingbird and I are both fairly easy going people. Throughout the planning of our wedding, we have tried to be as conscious of the feelings of others as possible, because we love our friends and families and we want them to have fun and enjoy themselves over the course of our big day.
However, as I’m sure many wedding blog readers know, sometimes when you let it be known that you are amiable and agreeable to change, people can sometimes either take advantage, or in some instances, take your easy going nature as an excuse to openly complain to you about the things you’re doing or the choices you’re making.
I wrote a while ago, as the wedding approaches and people other than us begin to panic about the goings on of our wedding, we’ve noticed that the frequency with which people ask for or complain about things seems to increase in relation to how much time we have left. Less time = more complaining.
Perhaps this is because they realize there is a finite period of time left to make their voices heard, but recently, when I was faced with complaints over a decision I made early on in the planning process, a decision the complaining party in fact encouraged me to make, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly hurt by it. I mean where was this person’s opinion when I had originally asked for it, and why were they suddenly springing their distaste about it on me with only a couple of weeks to go?
If I changed things (and it would have been a pretty significant change), I would have to put out even more money that I didn’t have to appease them, and if I fought them about it, then I not only ran the risk of starting a big fight but of course having the dreaded B word thrown at me. You ladies know what I’m talking about - it starts in bride and ends in zilla.
So, instead, I opted to reach into my mental tact box and use the three move combo (and I’m not talking about the Chun-Li kind) that every gal should know:
“Thank you for the suggestion. I appreciate your input. However, this is the decision that we’ve made and we’re very happy with what we have planned.”
And you know what? It actually worked! Therefore, for the next two weeks, instead of letting myself get riled up about silly last minute requests, I resolve to make these three sentences my unofficial catch phrase. You want to try and convince me to change my plans? Well I have no intention of fighting about wedding stuff, so expect to be met by thanks, but no thanks’s slightly more wordy cousin. 
I’m surely not the first person to encounter this weird kind of bridal bullying so I want to know - Have any of you faced this kind of behaviour from your friends or family leading up to your big day? What did you say to get them to back off*?
* Mrs. Bee runs a clean site, so I, Miss Hummingbird, would appreciate it if any responses to this post did not contain swear words (as deserved or satisfying as they might have been).
Congratulations! I am so glad that it worked for you! With 1.5 months left, I think I might have to take that on as my new mantra!
I do hate that we (as brides) have to be overly accomodating or get the B-zilla word thrown in our face. Standing up for your opinion or decision is not unreasonable. And just because someone else disagrees, doesn’t mean their suggestion is “right.” I get so frustrated when disagreeing on something and the other person says: “Fine. Have it your way.” When in reality, if I change my mind, it’s their way. Augh!
I feel your pain but unfortunately have not been as successful in defending our decisions. We are an easy going couple too but my future MIL is quite overbearing. She doesn’t like our venue, the wine, the bridesmaids dresses, my parents, the facts that we aren’t getting married in a church (neither of us are religious), and thinks that everything I do she can do better! Trust me the list goes on! In fact, when I tried to use the “three move combo” she started slamming doors and throwing pots…then told me I was ruining her sons wedding for her! SERIOUSLY!!! I told her that I was the bride, this is my wedding, and she’s ruining it for me! OH! And did I mention that she wasn’t contributing any funds to the wedding? Isn’t that just the icing on the cake!
I’m 6 months out and am dealing with ONE guestzilla but she’s a doozie. She complained about where I registered for silver (”fyi, so-and-so has your pattern for less!), what kind of cake I’m having (”but MY fondant cake was delicious!!”), supplying a babysitter ON SITE for all children at the wedding so the adults can have fun (”I will not leave MY child with a babysitter”) and so on and so forth. I am so close to tell her not even to bother coming.
After her last email complaining about the registry (but certainly not taking time out to compliment my choices!) I replied, “I am perfectly aware my silver pattern is available at several locations, but I chose so-and-so for a reason. Thank you for your suggestion.” No word from her back.
I keep telling myself that I have SO many other friends and loved ones that will be there that day to focus on but she is about to push me over the edge.
My grandmother almost did me in with her opinions, and I such a doormat. I ended up adding a new wedding dress and her suggested decorations a month before the wedding. After a while, I stopped caring because I could see that it hurt her that things weren’t the way she was used to seeing them. Being untraditional and explaining it to your family is a hard job. I did get to keep my plain flowergirl dresses and cupcake tree, though.
Wow. I’m really impressed. Good for you. I’m having a hear time keeping a cheerful face on when people are being pushy, I’m really glad to have your story to keep in the back of my head.
I just returned from my honeymoon, and so wish I had read your entry prior to my wedding. After numerous critiques by my parents over music selection, food, etc, I pretty much lost it when, a few days before the wedding I brought them a slice of our cake and they questioned whether our amazing cake baker, whom my fiance and I loved and felt so fortunate to get, was using crisco in her icing. I couldn’t believe it! I bake and know my icing - it was definitely made with real butter and nothing but. Besides that, our baker is praised worldwide for her cakes and use of organic ingredients. Anyway, I chose the wrong tact by trying to explain to my parents that first they were dead wrong, and second they were being rude by critiquing our choices. It turned into such a broohaha that my mom and I ended up in tears and my dad threatened to not attend the wedding. We soon realized that the situation had gotten way out of hand and were able to put it behind us. The wedding turned out amazing and my parents even complimented the cake baker, and all of our guests raved about the cake. However, the argument was an ugly thing that didn’t ruin, but certainly blighted the wedding. As much as I try, I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to forget that my dad threatened to not attend my wedding. So please, brides-to-be, no matter how stressed you are, how little sleep you’ve had, and how annoying other people’s critiques can be - take Ms. Hummingbird’s sage advice. I’d even recommend repeating her response as a mantra to yourself several times every morning - that way it will just roll off your tongue without even thinking.
Hum, you are quite a diplomatic bird!
Congrats on finding just the right words to defuse those last-minute grenades. SO much better than having to fall on them– and much less messy. 
I just tell ‘em straight up ‘ BACK THE #@$@#% UP!!’
… just kidding, though I wish I could…
But now I’ve got your combo move in hand and I shall shield myself from annoyance from here forward (so thanks, and… I don’t gotta pay royalties, right?)
Miss Hummingbird, this is great advice. I will be sure to use it in the future! I have the tendency to be a people pleaser, so this phrase will help me stand up for myself.
I have to admit I was totally unprepared for people demanding invitations, injecting their opinions, and criticizing my decisions. Now, I understand why people elope!
@Miss Green Tea: Never, darling! Use it in good health.
@beanchar: I think much of the time in life, I am not particularly diplomatic, but I figured that, when someone tacitly requested we move the ceremony/reception to accomodate them less than a month from the wedding (oh yes, this happened), it would be better to kill them with kindness then to freak out.
You cracked me up with “thanks, but no thanks’s slightly more wordy cousin”. Seriously though, I think this phrase is useful far beyond the wedding planning process! This newly married, easy-going people pleaser is putting your handy tool in her own mental tact box.
@Miss Hummingbird: This is a great post Thanks for sharing, it’s nice to have your 3 more combo now so I can use it from the get go.
@Miss Hummingbird: Yikes! I think you deserve a medal for not flat-out assaulting that person.
May I suggest a little flag to fly over your wedding embassy?:
http://s302.photobucket.com/albums/nn109/beac_bucket/?action=view¤t=CanadianDontTreadonMe.jpg
.
.
(Guess who just got Photoshop?)
Seriously the best post on wedding bee in a long time. Your thanks but no thanks phrase of was so refreshing that I took out a pen and paper and wrote it down immediately. I plan to use it in all situations. Hang in there - marrying the man of your dreams is almost here!
Great advice, Miss H….. I’ve been very lucky so far with supportive and excited parents, future in-laws, and friends/bridal party….. but I’m sure the time will come when I have to whip out your mantra
Thanks much, Hum. I suppose I should use your 1-2-3 instead of my go to combo of kick-kick-punch (Chun Li style). But if they push it, I might have to go all Blanca on their a*%!
I’ve always found “wow, really” to work well in combination with the noncommittal hmmm and the tangental question. Well, for those who seemed to be founts of advice.
Suggester: I think you should have monkeys at your wedding. Helpful, sparkly purple monkeys. I had them at my wedding and they were wonderful!!! I can’t imagine a wedding without monkeys!!!
pbnola: Wow, really!? Monkeys? Hmmm. Was purple your theme color?
Suggester2: That dress is lovely, but I think you would look so much slimmer in a dress with a hoop skirt.
pbnola: Wow, really? Hmmm. Wherever did you get your shoes?
I will admit though, there were a few times were I put the blame on the fact that the decisions were shared decisions. “I’d love to but FH and I picked this together. I wouldn’t want to disappoint/anger/go back on him.”
Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
that is great advice Miss Hummingbird! When folks have been guestzillas I have tried something similar or chalked it up as “oh well, guess I can’t make everyone happy”