I hated dress shopping. The attention, the price tags, the sales people, the stage with special lighting, the awwww’s from strangers were all just entirely too much for me to handle. I envy those of you who have/had great experiences filled with fussy, teary, bonding moments. I came to grips with reality long ago though and realized I would not have those. So it was all good, and I moved on.
I found out Brides Against Breast Cancer had a gown sale in town back in February ’07, 3 months after our engagement. The idea of that inevitable payment for a wedding dress going towards a good cause thrilled me. I had no expectations of falling in love with my wedding dress, for I do not think it’s possible for me. I was simply looking for something that worked. My criteria included 1. champagne color, 2. fit me.
My MOH and I arrived at the event and found a room full of gowns and volunteers.
The set up and ’sales force’ were super minimal, just how I like it. We went through the gowns in my size, picked out a few, and went into the dressing room. The dressing room was simply a big separate area with racks scattered, completely open.
I was trying on dresses with many other girls in the room. Most brought company as I did, and those who went alone got plenty of friendly help from the rest of us. After many hours of trying dresses and narrowing down the choices and trying them on again, we ended up with this (both blurry pics and no frill pics included) :
She is by Maggie Sottero, but I do not know her name. When I found her on the rack she had tags on, everything perfectly zipped, tucked, and buttoned up, as if she had never been touched. She cost $750, which I was assured would go directly towards flying family members to see their loved ones suffering from breast cancer.
Is it horrible that I don’t feel the connection that most brides seem to have with their wedding dresses? I mean, I think the dress is gorgeous… for somebody. It’s just that strapless, poofy, long train, sparkles everywhere… none of it is really me. As a matter of fact, I had it on when I showed my brother (who knows me very well and whose opinion I do not take lightly) for the first time, and he was all surprised.
Me: So what do you think?
Bro: ehh… it’s a really nice dress
Me: So you don’t like it
Bro: No, I just never pictured you choosing something like this
Me: Shat did you picture me in?
Bro: Something more modern looking, not all poofy I guess
Me: Me too…
It’s done, the purchase had long been made and I sure ain’t throwing another penny on a dress. Could I have found a cheaper dress that I liked more than this? Probably. It’s actually really unlike me to make such a decision so quickly without shopping around. Though not tax deductible, I thought of the dress payment as a donation. It was the only way I could justify spending so much money on a dress I wear once. I drool over gowns by Claire Pettibone all the time, I can’t help it. But that’s it. While I’m envious of those who get giddy just thinking about their dresses, I have to say that I would probably do what I did again. I’m not an altruist, I’m just practical and the wedding dress is much lower in my priority ranking compared to most brides. Oh and, bridal sales people scare the crap out of me.
Anywho that’s my dress story.
How important was your wedding dress to you?
your dress has a really pretty beading works! i would probably agree to jc… maybe you can sell it?
i don’t have that “wow” connection with my dress either when i saw it or even when i decided to buy it. i’m still drooling over melissa sweet dresses every now and then, but i have to say that i’m content with my dress. it has all my “requirement” and it’s flattering for my body. it’s not over 500 bucks which was great. dress was not my number 1 priority either, so i’m cool with what i have 
If you don’t like your dress you should sell it and look for something that is more you. Right now it may not seem to important, but on your wedding day you do not want to feel uncomfortable. When your own family thinks that it doesn’t represent you, that should tell you something. Keep looking for something you want and sell the other dress. It will make someone else very happy.
I agree with jc. I picked a dress that was good enough and looked very nice on me, but I had no connection with it. I didn’t really care, and then we had to postpone the wedding for health reasons so I sold it. However, we are now active re-planning and I needed a new dress. I didn’t want to spend much so I went to the Filene’s Running of the Brides (I did not run, we went at 5pm after work) and found a dress that is *SO ME*! I never thought I would care about my wedding dress until I completely unexpectedly tried a weird looking dress on and realized it was perfect perfect perfect for me & my personality.
adding… see Mrs Kiwi’s (I am pretty sure it was Mrs Kiwi…) post about not liking her dress…
sorry this isn’t going to help you much- but i just fell in love with claire pettibones cloisonne dress! wow just wow! if you really don’t love your dress i’d bet you could have a seamstress make one for you for a reasonable price
Your story — the dress portion only! — reminds me of the plot of a bunch of (recent) chick-flicks about weddings (like 27 Dresses and Made of Honor). The main characters see and/or wear dresses they like, but don’t love, and end up with something totally different at the end…that is REALLY them. I’d advise you to do the same!
I think it is ok that your wedding dress doesn’t make you giddy, if you are okay with it. There are some details that I am not thrilled about with my wedding either, but that’s ok with me, not everything has to knock my socks off
You should never have bought the dress if you knew it wasnt “you” when you tried it on. My suggestion would be to sell it and find something you like. Claire Pettibone is more sexy lingerie than poofy princess. You’re supposed to be comfortable but yet still feel beautiful on your wedding day. Are you going to feel either way in the dress you dont like? My suggestion would be to take it to a seamstress. They can get rid of the train and poofiness no problem. I dont like strapless either, but the woman assured me you can custom design sleeves/straps for practically any dress. If I were you I’d spend the $200 or so to make it a dress that fits my personality. You’re not really out any money if you’ve already considered the initial purchase a charitable donation.
I think it’s admirable that you realize there are more important things about your wedding day than the dress you’ll be wearing. I went the JCrew route - bought something I liked enough, but I’m not madly in love with it, and I’m definitely not looking at it every second. I’m focusing on “spicing it up” and making it more “me” with jewelry and fun shoes, etc. - maybe you can do the same. Add some flare that really is “you” and you’ll feel better about the purchase. It’s a pretty dress, and good for you for donating to a worthy cause!
I felt the same way about my dress. It was only $200 from J Crew and as I say… “perfectly adequate”. It looked gorgeous on me the day of wedding, and it was perfect for our casual Hawaiian affair, but I never really loved it, or looked forward to putting it on on wedding day.
Now that everything is said and done, I don’t even want to keep it. Its dirty, and would need to be dry cleaned, which I think is a waste for something I’m never going to wear, or probably even look at again. The few people I’ve told that I’m thinking of throwing it away, have looked at me with such horror, that I won’t mention it again, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking it.
Sometimes a dress is just a dress. Not a symbol of my love, or the pinnacle of my wedding experience, but just a dress.
I am just like you about my dress, and I think that’s okay. The wedding is about way more than the dress. I got mine from a consignment store, and that was important to me. I wanted to give a dress “a new life” instead of feeling overly consumeristic and buying one off the rack of a megamart… that doesn’t promote green living.
When I put my dress on, I like it enough, but I’m not crazy about it. It’s white! Poofy! I have no reason to ever wear it again! Yeah, it’s very pretty, but, um, yeah, I’m not sure I’m capable of *having* a dream dress. So, yeah, it would be awesome to wear a uber-hip, $4,000 dress off the runway, but it’s just not practical and I’d just as assume give it back afterward.
I bet we both still feel fantastic on our wedding day. I know that as soon as I see my groom and embrace the day, it really won’t matter what I’m wearing anyway.
While I don’t think that you need to be ‘in love’ with your dress, I do feel that for that amount of money, a girl should at least like it a lot =) I guess what I’m trying to say is that for that amount of money, you might want something that you like better. Or, if you really don’t mind much about it, why not buy a simpler dress from a place like J Crew?
If you really do see it as a donation, that’s cool. But you could sell it, donate the profit, if any, and buy a dress that you’re more comfortable with.
A wedding dress wasn’t that high on my list of priorities, so I chose something that I could wear again (not white), and not very expensive (just under $350). But I did like it very much. And I didn’t go to a single bridal shop =)
I’m with you, GT. While I really liked my dress a lot, my dress was a very low priority for me- I wanted a dress that I liked, but once I found something within budget that met my criteria, that was it. Might I have found something I liked more if I kept looking? Possibly. But do I regret my decision? Not at all.
I like my dress, but I don’t love it…and I’m ok with it because I don’t want to spend lots of money on the types of dresses that I really love…
my dress meet my requirements of being (1) relatively inexpensive, (2) comfortable (light and easy to wear), and (3) a little different (not your typical strapless dress)…now I just hope it fits in a flattering way (the sample size was 3 sizes too large)
i would try to ebay it off, and why don’t you just rent a dress? i’m not sure where you are located, but that way you don’t have to invest a ton of money and you can choose a dress of your liking.
I am with you, green tea. While I like my dress, and I think it looks fine on me (or that’s what everyone has said), I don’t feel this deep connection to it. But considering I originally wanted something non white, without a veil and ended up in ivory with a mid length veil, I guess it’s not surprising
I decided early on that since the important part about this wedding was being married and the fun party, whatever other details I didn’t care about (flowers, cake, etc) I would leave up to someone who cared more. So I guess in my opinion, you don’t have to fall in love with the dress as long as you’re passionate about something else in the wedding (and it’s ok if the only other thing is your FI
Another vote of support for just keeping the dress and being a-okay with the decision. My dress is the first one I tried on in the first shop I went to. I liked it well enough, ended up finding it on Craig’s List in my exact size, altered to my needs, for $450. So I bought it. And while I’m with you on the occasional lust after a Claire Pettibone, I remind myself that I didn’t want to spend $5000 or even $1000 on a dress, and I stay pretty content with my $450 dress.
I’m also not in *love* with my dress - but I genuinely like it. I had a hard time finding something that was “perfect,” but I did finally find one that I liked. I admittedly regret not continuing to look, but I’m also skeptical that I would have gotten “the one” without getting a custom dress.
The difference is - I like my dress and it’s very “me.” I’ll be comfortable and feel beautiful and pampered. You should consider selling yours, since it sounds like you don’t like it.
Oh, and I was uncomfortable with the big dress shopping experience too (If I hear “it’s YOUR day to be a PRINCESS” one more time…), so I:
1) went shopping by myself (brought in Mom for final look before buying), and
2) found shops that were more low-key (they DO exist).
Can I thank all of you for this? Thanks. A bunch. The dress was a low priority for me, too - I simply ordered a bridesmaid gown in white. With alterations it was about $200. My criteria: comfortable for a hot July wedding, and white. That’s what it was. A year later I was in my best friend’s wedding and her dress was a BIG DEAL. It was gorgeous, with beading and a train, etc, etc… and I started wondering if there was something wrong with me. I didn’t dislike my dress, but family, food and music were much more important to me than the dress (and the veil, which a friend of mine made the morning of the wedding!)
That having been said, I do think my dress was “me”: no frills, simple, pretty, and danceable. If you actually dislike your dress, you might want to sell it and get something else. If you simply aren’t in love with it, maybe that just makes you like a lot of us here. Which I find reassuring.
Oh yeah, and I was terrified of bridal shops - I went gown shopping with my sister when she was engaged, and… ugh. We both hated it. I went to ONE store: a tiny local consignment shop. Local, woman-owned, and very low-key. Had I known about BABC, I probably would have tried that, as well.
My dress also wasn’t a big priority for me. I picked the dress that other people thought I looked best in — it didn’t really do anything special for me. I wasn’t looking to spend a lot of money. I’m sorry, but to me what makes a great wedding is making sure the guests have a great time. I could spend $4000 on a dress for me, or I could spend $800 on my dress and take that extra $3200 and put it towards a better live band which the guests will enjoy more — which do you think will make a better party? The quality of MY dress will not impact the time a guest has at a wedding, whereas the live band vs. DJ definitely did.
I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with not caring as much about your dress. I, personally, don’t understand how people can spend thousand of dollars on something they will only wear for 10 hours of their entire LIFE, just like people don’t understand how I could care so little about what I wore for my wedding. It’s all relative.
And buying a dress from Brides Against Breast Cancer is great!! I donated my dress to them after my wedding!
My philosophy when choosing a dress was this: There are MILLIONS of gorgeous dresses out there. Then, say a certain percentage of them would fit and look good on me. But They’re all beautiful! So, to obsess over a dress wasn’t for me. I just needed to make a decision, and in the end I loved my dress! Were there other dresses out there that I may have loved more? Probably yes. But I don’t regret what I did the least little bit.
I really admire your honesty about this.
So, after the wedding, seeing as you’re not overly-attached to it, will you give it back to Brides Against Breast Cancer and have them sell it again? That way they’ll make even more money out of it 
I’m with you on the dress not being my number one priority… but I wouldn’t ever walk down the aisle in a big, poofy, sparkly white dress. Just not me. I would feel like a glittery cotton ball all night and I wouldn’t want pictures of me in that thing sitting on my shelf for the rest of my life either.
I think the most important thing is that you feel comfortable… you don’t have to love the dress, but I do think that you need to be at ease in it. So, if you don’t feel that way then maybe you might want to rethink the dress (a friend got hers at the Saks outlet for around $100… simple, plain and with some reworking she could wear it after the wedding day.)
Or how about wearing something else for the reception? (I’m not usually a big fan of the two dress thing, but if it lets you wear the dress AND also be comfortable then why not?)
I have mixed feeling about my dress. It was a really important thing to be before I bought it loving fashion as I do, but in the end I bought a dress that was the nicest one I could find and afford, not one that rocks my world or anything. I do love it now but if I was going to start dress shopping now I don’t know if I would buy it. But I’m very comfortable in it, it suits me and it makes me feel happy.
I couldn’t wear a dress that I didn’t feel was ‘me’, but I love fashion, maybe others don’t feel the same way. Personally I would sell it, if I had time. Maggie Sottero dresses are always popular and you could buy something cheaper, simpler and more you. There are so many cheap and gorgeous dresses on the internet.
But if you think you will look at the photos in 3 years and still not mind that you didn’t feel like you in it then I totally understand not wanting to waste any more energy on it.
I’m going to pipe in with a good chunk of the crew and say sell it. You dont have to have a “choir of angles singing ahhh” moment at THE dress, but it should be something you like. I am also NOT saying you need to spend oodles of money on a dress you’ll wear once.
Not knowing you personally, I say this cautiously, put on the dress, and look at yourself in it, adn stay in it for a while. Do you feel comfortable? Is it growing on you? Inspite of your normal non-poof personality, do you actually like it? Or do you feel like a ridiculous poof doll? Answer these HONESTLY and ALONE.
As I looked through pics of dresses, the only ones I liked were the “destination” non-poof styles, but when it came to trying on dresses, i found that I did like some of those,but I also surprised myself in honestly liking some of the more traditional poof and some even with lace! (and i am NOT a lace person.) My skirt has a little oomph to it, and its not something i can wear again, but i felt comfortable, sassy, and fun in it. It was “me” in a wedding dress. There were no choir of angels singing, and I didn’t buy it right away. I literally tried on dresses in almost every store in a 300 mile radius. (Ah -side note - pushy sales people will BACK OFF if you politely ask them to, they still want to make a sale so they will back off if you insist.) About a month after trying my dress on, I came to the realization that I really like the dress, the price, and most importantly, i like ME IN THE DRESS. That, my dear, is the kicker.
I wasn’t in love with my dress when I first bought it either. I never really had that “this is the one” moment that some other girls have. But you know what, it grew on me. I had very specific reasons for picking that dress and all of them are important to me. So I say, give it time. With only ten days until my wedding, I can say that I am excited to wear my dress. Is it “the one”? Maybe not. Is he “the one”? Yes, yes, and yes!
“The Dress” just wasn’t that important to me, and I didn’t spend a lot of time on it. I bought a Jcrew dress, added by great grandmother’s lace and was done.
I don’t like shopping, I don’t like bridal sales people and that was fine. I spent my energy on other things that made our wedding day so, so special.
Not everyone is a “The Dress” person, and that’s fine.
I like your dress. I’m not going to lie and say that I love it. If I were you, I’d look around and see if you could get a cheap deal on a second dress. I hear you on not wanting to spend any money, but since it is a name brand dress, you could sell it and recoup your money and use that for the dress of your dreams.
For me, the dress has never been super important to me. I know I would never, ever want to wear a big poufy dress, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. The dress that is the main contender now is short and costs $70. So deals can be found!
I didn’t buy into the “cult of the dress” either. It’s a dress. They’re all lovely. The one you bought is very nice. Everyone will think you’re beautiful when you get married because you WILL be beautiful and the dress is lovely. I felt really insecure about not loving my dress (and then actually found a dress I loved on Craig’s list so I sold the first dress $400 and bought the second $300 but $200 for drycleaning and I’m pretty embarrassed about the whole thing.) It’s a dress. It’s not your marriage. Whatever you feel or think about it is absolutely okay. Try not to second guess yourself. And ps, if I had to choose between a fancy dress that you Loved and the LION Dance you’ve got planned, that Lion would kick the dress’ a** any day of the week!
Was it the dress or was it your brother’s reaction to the dress? I had similar reactions when I showed my very simple damask fabric sheath wedding dress to my future MIL and my mom and they were both like - oh, it’s so…simple. (I thought classic!) They followed it up with - but very nice, but the damage had been done. It left me feeling like I needed something better, something more wedding-worthy. I like my dress, but it wasn’t very expensive and is from a designer in Brooklyn who is just around the corner from our house (we like to support our ‘hood). It’s not traditional wedding material and I can’t shake the feeling of disappointing my family. On the other hand, I think when the feeling of “wedding” is in the air, the dress won’t matter.
i <3 you for coming out on this. i’m a little sad that the very few first commenters suggest that you buy another one, when you clearly state you dont care to spend another cent.
my own confession: i dont care much about the reception. the whole party and whatnot? that has more to do with our parents than us…if we had had our way it would be about 80 of our nearest and dearest….maybe then i would care. but it seems that our reception has become a gathering for those close to our parents. so i dont care. i am not spending another red dime on these people. everything from here on out is for “US”
Oh Miss GT… I totally hear you on this one. I was planning to write a post about my dress for about the same reasons… I love my dress as is, but then I saw some beautiful $3K dresses that I was going ga-ga over and started second guessing myself. I’m over it now… but I know where you’re coming from.
I hated dress shopping too. I do not like bridal sales people, for one, and the high price of gowns (as a costumer, I cannotcannot believe how much some cost for the material they are made of..) upsets me more than excites. On top of that, I had to shop alone because none of my close friends live near me, which was a little sad for me. In the end, I did go to a bridal shop where the woman was very nice, after checking Bluefly, Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, etcetc almost daily for weeks. My “dream gown” was there - halter, backless, alencon lace - but it was $1100. I got a plain long bias-cut halter instead off the sales rack for $100. It is not my “dream” but it is a very pretty dress and I know my FI will be happy to see me in it. And I will be glad I didn’t spend 1/6 of our budget on my dress.
i think your dress is very pretty! the asymmetrical design and the sparkles are in just the right places. like you, loathed going to the bridal salons. i went only once and found my dress which i liked, not loved. i have had a lot of second thoughts but i am a very practical person and felt like my dress suits my needs (comfortable and is a two piece). i did not want to step into another bridal salon and go through the whole process again.
all in all, i feel like a wedding dress is a dress you will wear only once and your wedding day will be focused on your unity and future with your hubby! you can always have TTD session afterwards and not feel bad!
btw: i’m partial to maggie sottero dresses b/c i got one too.
I wouldn’t sell it, unless you absolutely hate it. I wasn’t in love with my dress either, but with the wedding day hair & makeup and feelings of getting married today!, I found myself liking my dress more and more on the day. So, if you don’t hate it, I wouldn’t spend the extra money and effort to get rid of it.
Well, I think you’ll look gorgeous in it - and honestly, if your priority is not your dress, that’s all that matters! Plus, you can get “that feeling” over donating to a charity - which is really awesome!
I’d like to echo those who support you in not buying into “the cult of the dress” (I stole that phrase from another commenter, sunflowers).
You will look lovely on your wedding day. The money you spent on the dress will have gone to a good cause. You can always sell or redonate the dress after the wedding. I am not sure why other people think there is a problem with this situation!
Very.
GT, I also applaud you for recognizing what’s truly a priority to you in this process and not getting bogged down with the idea that everything must be “perfect.”
I do understand that for some brides, the dress is the #1 most-important item, and that’s okay for them too.
I think you have made the right decision for yourself and it will also be easy for you to re-donate your dress after the wedding with no heartache.
Thanks for this post! I had a very similar experience buying my (first) dress at BABC. I ended up with another (cheaper) dress that I like better, though I’m also not ‘in love’ with that one, either. I blogged about it here if you’re interested!
@GetMarried4Less: I just want to clarify that my opinion that Miss GT sell the dress isn’t because I think the dress is all that important–it’s more that she said (or her brother said) it isn’t representative of her. I don’t think any bride should get a “bridal” gown just because it’s what brides are supposed to wear–I think all brides should pick something that reflects who they are and makes them feel happy in it. It would be a shame to not feel comfortable, or worse to feel like you were someone else, on your wedding day.
I also HAAAAAATED every excruciating moment of dress shopping. I went to so many shops and actually had a good experience with all the dresses. I mean, except for a couple they were ALL great. But I just wasn’t bowled over enough to spend that much money on one dress. Then I went to Maui (where I’m getting married) and found a collection of wedding dresses by a local designer, bought the one that fit the best, and I’m happy!
I don’t know if anyone suggested this to you yet, but maybe what you could do, since you don’t LOVE LOVE LOVE the dress is have a trash the dress session with a photographer.
I guarantee that you’ll LOVE & cherish the photos that come from the session more than you’ll ever love a dress.
I almost wish I had bought a big poofy dress that I didn’t give a crap about so that I could have some awesome photos!!!
On a side note - I have volunteered at the Brides Against Breast Cancer event - it is a FANTASTIC program and I encourage everyone to support the cause and donate anything you have extra post wedding.
I had a hard time with my dress - I fell in love after I purchased it - but, it took me trying on ALL other dresses on the market to realize I had a winner.
Good luck!
i hated dress shopping too. in fact, i hated it so much that my sister ended up picking a dress for me. she sent me a link to the jenny yoo kayla dress, told me, “i think this would look good on you” and that was it. signed, sealed, delivered!
Like you, I hated everything about dress shopping, but for me the dress is super important. I ended up dropping WAY too much money on an Anne Barge gown that I’m not even sure if I love because I couldn’t make changes to my #1 choice that would fit my personality. *sigh* I feel your pain. But, if it’s not too late maybe you can try on some Claire Pettibone dresses and see if your opinion of the dress changes and if it does then just sell it…and you could still use it as a tax deduction.
I bought mine for $500 and I agree with you it is not all about the dress. I think it is more important you found the right guy then the right dress!
You are going to be stunning on your big day and I am sure your future husband isn’t going to be looking at your dress as you walk down the aisle he’ll be looking at you, you could be wearing a sack for all he cares, you would still be the most beautiful girl in the room.
How awesome that you were able to help someone just by buying your dress. I think you should feel pretty proud!
My mom & I found a dress at Feilines Running of the Brides that was really nice.. but now i am having 2nd thoughts. I am not one of those girls that usually cares how she looks on most days. But on my wedding day…. I want to feel awesome. I don’t really feel awesome in the dress we bought. I am going tomorrow to look at others. I felt pressured to get mine, because I had to make a decision then.
My mother will think I am being frivolous, but the entire day is about frivolity really. And I do want to connect with my dress so … we will see what happens. We paid $250 for the one we got. I can eat that and pay my mom back and try to sell it at consignment.
i bought the 5th dress I tried on, ever, and I never felt a particular connection to it. I never went to go “visit” it in the store, save for the initial fitting, and then the hem/bustle fitting. I picked it up the week before my wedding, wore it, trashed it thoroughly throughout the day, and went on with it. Admittedly, the dress WAS of course, important to me, but it was by far, not the end all be all most important part of the wedding. I dont regret not spending days and days and days trying on and shopping for the perfect dress. I knew what I liked thumbing through magazines and I found one that was similar to the ones I liked….Done!
If the dress looks good on you, good for you for not going out and changing your mind. While youre totally entitled to do whatever you want…in the end…its just a very small part of a very big day!
OH yes, and PS…the dress is beautiful. And the fact that it paid for such a beautiful cause…well, even more gorgeous
Mrs. Green Tea, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 30, Tea Analyst
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Coffee Critic
Engagement Date: November 17, 2006
Wedding Date: August 23, 2008
Blogging Since: June 10, 2008
Venue: Vineyard on the Delta
About Me: I'm just your average obsessive compulsive, arts & crafts loving, funky-on-the-inside/boring-on-the-outside girl, who dares to say 'Hey! I can make that!' Nerdy professional by day, goofy won-ton by night. The won-ton sometimes comes out during the day when I'm fed the dollar breakfast at Ikea. Since our engagement, wedding planning has put me on high alert for bargains and I've been pushing my nimble fingers through callous building experiments!
I would try to sell it if you don’t like it. It’s really pretty! My dress is so important to me and I love sneaking looks at it hanging in my closet. When you look at your wedding pictures you should love your dress, not feel like you made the wrong choice.