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That’s right, I said it. Just.
Just a wedding.
Not the “most important day of our lives,” not our “big day,” not an extravagant party where we have to please everyone. It is just a wedding.
When it comes to planning our wedding I have asked for little advice from our friends and family. When I come up with an idea about a detail our of wedding I share it with Mr. Pineapple and he generally has one of two responses “sure, great!” or “yeah, I don’t think so.” It is a pretty simple system. This method works for us, because I get to be swept up in all the little details that I think are great fun and Mr. Pineapple doesn’t get overwhelmed with 10,000 typefaces.
Before we make any wedding related choice you can bet I have googled the heck out it first. I check Weddingbee archives, discussion boards and browse Martha and the knot galleries. I tear pages from magazines and bookmark dozens of blogs. I fill our DVR with episode after episode of “Whose Wedding is it Anyway?” (I swear, that show is on almost as much as Law and Order - which is a good thing!) After collecting as many ideas as I can and racking my brain for more, I choose one and ask for the opinion of my partner in crime. Each decision we have made, we are very happy with and we think it is the best decision we could make. After all, what is the big deal? It is just a wedding.
Whenever I imagined planning our wedding someday I always pictured lots of friends and family involved. The more we have gotten into the thick of things the more I prefer just going at it with internet and print resources. I don’t want my near and dear to feel that the only thing I ever talk about with them is the wedding, so I often only bring it up when asked.
This has backfired on a few occasions. A couple people have felt left out of the planning process, assuming I think their opinions don’t matter. They do matter, and I would love to hear ideas, but I don’t know where to draw the line with wedding talk. In the end I am confident that Mr. P and I won;t make any “bad” choices, so we don’t get approval before purchasing DIY materials or booking vendors. It’s just a bouquet, just a cake and just a wedding.
One choice we made early on was to have an adult-only wedding. I know there is some controversy on this topic, but I also know we are not alone in our choice. We love babies, we want to have a few of our own some day. However, for many reasons, we feel that an adult-only wedding really is the way to go. Because of this choice I have been told “I am going to bring my son to your wedding and I will make a scene… I will ruin your fancy wedding on the river.” Tears have been shed, family members have jumped down one another’s throats, we have yelled and hung up on one another. When in reality, it is just a wedding.
After these very real and very probable threats from a family member who has acted outrageously selfish in the past, I had to tell him and his wife that they were no longer invited. If I thought there was any chance that he was just faking it to scare me into changing our decision, or if he had accepted any of the compromises I offered, then maybe I could give him another chance. Unfortunately, I know this person is all too capable of making me cry and making my family fight in public. I would prefer tears of joy only please, thanks. Of course, there are other family members who want me to give him a second chance. People who really want him to be there. I don’t understand why. Why take the chance of something really bad happening just so he could be there? It is just a wedding.
This type of drama threw me completely off guard. I would have never imagined, in a million years, that someone would want to make a scene at our wedding. Or that someone would get angry about the design of our invites. It is just one night without your child, it is just stationery, it is just a wedding.
I wish I could issue a blanket statement to everyone that says:
“Mr. Pineapple and I are going to become a family. Our wedding day is the day that it will become official.
We would like you to come because we care about you and thought you would like to 1) see Miss Pineapple in a poofy dress and 2) see Mr. Pineapple cry.
So sorry if you don’t like our invitations and think our food is gross, we love it and had hoped you would too.
Thanks for coming.
Love,
The Pineapples”
The wedding is not our big day. The wedding not the most important day of our lives. The wedding is not what is really happening on October 18th.
October 18th is the day Mr. Pineapple and I become a family. It is the day he becomes a husband and I become a wife. It is the day our family doubles in size with additional moms and dads, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. It is a happy day for us, because it is the first official day of the rest of our days together.
Has anyone else had a hard time describing to friends and family that the wedding doesn’t really matter?
Beautifully said! It’s hard whenever some people try to inflict their selfishness over the crowd as a whole. Good for you for sticking to your guns! It doesn’t sound like you’re being prissy or insensible, in fact, I think you’re taking a realistic, levelheaded approach. I chose not to have any children other than the ones in the wedding party, and it provided a stress free afternoon, and their parents could relax and enjoy themselves. Good luck with the rest of your planning!
I’ve bee ostersized for a few things so far, starting off with the no kid policy so I completely feel your pain. At first it wasn’t just a wedding, it was this huge deal in my head but after disapointments and reality setting in, I’m with you now, it’s a party that we’re throwing and we’d like to do it our way!! Still though I’m less than 2 months out and still getting heat for things. I’m ready to be on our honeymoon, I’m so thankful to leave the day after and veg. Keep your head up and if you need to talk I’d gladly be one to listen since I too refrain from talking wedding to anyone since I don’t want to bore them and would rather someone care enough to ask, sadly it doesn’t happen often at all.
Oh - I’m so sorry your family member is such a jerk. How could anybody think you should have him there after that? What frustrates me about the wedding is that somehow it’s like family holiday dinner times ten… with so many expectations. I think that’s what you’re seeing in your relatives who want you to give this guy a second chance. Somehow the wedding “aura” will make everybody get along, make everything go perfectly, reunite estranged brothers and sisters and parents and children - NOT. It’s just a big party. Anybody who can’t be pleasant and behave at Thanksgiving dinner is not going to be any better at your wedding. At some point you have to step into the real world and ask why everyone tolerates behavior from certain family members that nobody would every tolerate from a friend. And that’s the point, IMO, where you stop hanging out with those family members. Cheers to you for disinviting him, and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about it. He was completely in the wrong, and you did the right thing.
You did the right thing Ms. P.
I have a big, loud, extended family and my mother & her 6 sisters are always fighting and forming alliances. They are looking at my wedding as THEIR family party. My mom had already told me before I started planning that we should just take our immediate families and skip down to the Bahamas, but FI’s family said NO WAY. So now we are in the middle of similar stresses. FI is getting close to saying Screw It and telling his family we are going to the Bahamas–come or not, it’s your choice. I wish people would get over themselves for one day and just be happy for the couple. I understand that the bride & groom should throw a nice party for their guests, but the guests should reciprocate and make the planning as easy as possible on the couple. Too bad it doesn’t often go that way….
What a beautiful reminder! Even though I’m not engaged yet (soon to be), I have to keep telling my boyfriend (and I might be alone in this statement, haha), it’s not about the ring. It’s what the ring means.
You’re right, it’s not about the wedding. It’s not about the other people (esp. if they chose to act that way!). It’s about you two. 
Having people feel left out of the planning really resonates with me. We have used the internet to research because it’s the cheapest and easiest (and usually the only) choice. Both sets of parents have been upset that we haven’t “involved” them. But I send them links and ask their opinions.
I just don’t know what people expect to be involved in. We invited them to the tasting, gave them the cake, took them to the appointment with the florist.
There’s also something to be said about being proactive.
I’m so sorry you have to worry about people making a scene. That’s not fair to you both and I think you did the right thing. Don’t worry too much about people pleasing, because as you say, this is your first lesson in starting a family that is separate from all others.
you just wrote everything i haven’t been able to verbalize for the last few months. thank you!
Cheers to you (ahem… ya’ll)! Couln’t have been said any better. Remember what’s really important and (hopefully) your family will follow your lead.
Wow, that was very eloquently written. You did the right thing; hang in there!
You rock! I wish I could send a similarly worded note to people. Throughout the planning process, I’ve realized that EVERYONE has opinions on weddings and people forget that being invited as a guest is just that. People forget that they are they to witness an amazing event in two people’s lives. They forget that the main focus is not the food, the drinks, and whether or not the cake was good.
Honey, I feel your pain. I know that doesn’t make either of our pains less by having that in common, but it helps that we’re not alone. Sometimes I felt the wedding planning process was something I had to endure, rather than be able to enjoy. I could go on and on about stuff that sucked that shouldn’t have, but in the end, you’re with Mr. P, and this really is all that matters.
I’d come just to see you in a poofy dress.
Ugh, what a jerk to react like that. I understand when my kiddos can’t come along to grown up functions. I look at it as an excuse to get a sitter, put on a pretty dress and have a date with my hubby! Don’t lose any sleep over someone else’s lack of tact.
Oh, Miss P! I’m so sorry to hear all this, especially with everything else happening in your personal life!
While we haven’t had the fireworks that you’ve experienced (knock, knock), I am surprised by the level of pressure, tension, and expectations associated with our wedding. We are also two easy-going people who want “just a wedding” to celebrate our vows - so it’s so strange to think “I’m having one of THOSE weddings…” How did that happen??
Lovely and so very well put.
Oh - and my curiosity is killing me! What complaint did someone have on the invitation design??? Short of naked boobies (which I wouldn’t expect you to use…), I can’t think of anything on a wedding invite that would offend. If it’s not too painful, please fill us in!
I don’t think everyone’s realized that my wedding is adults only yet, but after the fiasco when we first announced our original wedding date that was on a Thursday, I can only imagine what will happen next. BTW we ended up changing the date to a Saturday and had to change our venue as well, due to family quarreling… 
Ok, that post just totally made me tear up.
I love your ‘just a wedding’ approach, and you know why? It’s not because you don’t care, it’s because you do care … about the important stuff.
And that family member who threw a hissy fit because he couldn’t bring his kid … good on you for uninviting him. Sure, some people want children at their wedding, some don’t. But you know who none of us want at our weddings? A Class A butthole, which he clearly is (pardon my language Mrs Bee … that was the edited version )
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Mrs. Pineapple, Pittsburgh Age and Occupation: 24, Graphic Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Student Affairs Administration Engagement Date: August 4, 2007 Wedding Date: October, 2008 Blogging Since: April 14, 2008 Venue: The Rivers Club About Me: Being a transplant from sunny south Florida I am learning to live with all four seasons while playing with our cat collective, line dancing, and doing a ton of DIY projects for our wedding (seriously, like a thousand)!
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