Because Mr T and I didn’t live together pre-wedding, we’re in the midst of all the little transitions couples encounter when moving in together for the first time. Right now we’re celebrating birthdays a few weeks apart, and that seems to have driven home the new lack of privacy.
We haven’t combined finances yet, so it wasn’t hard to hide the actual purchase of Mr T’s gift. But I was napping when FedEx dropped it at our door. And, as hard as he tried not to read the shipping label, the word Roku was written on the box in big, bright letters! A well-designed box, but … element of surprise? Not so much.
And we always get a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cake for our birthdays. So there’s no real surprise there. But is the magic nearly gone if I’ve already handed him the “20% off B&J cakes” coupon that I came across in our latest Val-Pak coupon mailer?
I fear we’re already just one step away from those boring married-couple combined gifts…. (And, well, Christmas is starting to look like a really good excuse to replace our ancient refrigerator!)
For you that live together and/or are already married, how do you manage to keep the magic alive at gift-giving time? What other little transitions have you had to face, post move-in?
I tend to have his gifts either shipped to a friend’s house (or my in law’s, especially if we’re going to be celebrating there), or I hid them really well. There are certain places that I know he’d never bother looking (and he’s not the type to want to know so he doesn’t go snooping). He also has hiding spots around the house, but I am a snooper so he’s gotten really creative. I can’t say that I’ve ever found a gift.
As for big things like fridges for each other for xmas, if we go that route, we always agree to do something small for each other too, just to keep the magic of gift giving alive.
Hubby and I have so far managed to keep our gifts real, even if they’re paid for with combined $$.
For example, last weekend we spent a romantic weekend at a B&B next to a winery. It was our birthday present to each other & it was the best gift EVER!
Becky
Sending the gifts to a friend’s house is a good idea and you could put the Ben and Jerry’s coupon on the [new/old :-)] fridge for him to find. I think half the fun of getting gifts for my husband is figuring out ways that he won’t find out about them. I also still have one separate credit card that comes to me so he cannot look at the bank statement and see where I might have purchased something. I don’t think the magic is gone in sharing a coupon for an ice cream cake. The magic is in the fact that you are creating a tradition of ice cream cakes on your birthdays. So happy birthday and happy gift giving!
Ha. We have the same situation as you. Birthdays 10 days apart, also in June.
We totally just gave up on even trying to surprise each other. I just announced what I was getting him and let him pick it out. He told me he was too exhausted from his multiple call nights as an intern in the hospital to even think about getting me a gift. so he would just turn a blind eye if there were several J. Crew or Banana Republic boxes showing up on the door in the next couple days.
So yeah, we’ve given up.
But, I agree with the comment above that, were we not each working 80+ hours per week right now, spending time together is the best gift of all. In the past when we’ve had more time, for birthdays and holidays and whatnot, we’ve treated ourselves to a weekend away, a nice dinner and a show, a night at the NSO, something like that, rather than a material object. With our busy schedules, it’s much more meaningful than a tangible gift.
Sorry..this isn’t really on topic but I am so curious! Do you know if the Roku plays anything out of the entire netflix library or just the ones that are available to watch instantly on netflix.com? I hope I’m making sense
Oh and I have had that happen to me many times where I’ve ordered my fiancé a birthday/Christmas gift and it gets delivered obviously showing where it’s from. Darn spoilers.
I agree with most of what’s already been said (shipping elsewhere, hiding etc). In addition, we make sure to do small surprises for each other on random days. And we always schedule date nights at least twice a month. Everyone’s heard it before: once you are living together the romance doesn’t die, it just changes shape.
I think this is not one of those things to get comfortable and lax about. My fiance and I have been living together for almost 2 years and we both go out of our way to surprise each other. I’ll reinforce what everyone else has already said - ship it somewhere else! (Work, neighbor, friend, family - anywhere but there.) And when you see the 20% off B&J quietly sneak it away. No, its anot a surprise, but you don’t want it to turn into a couple’s shared chore either. Its a short road to “hun, i’m running late, can you go pick up the cake?” NO! It is more difficult, but it makes it all the more fun when successful.
And in general, the no privacy thing: some aspects you just get used to - and some you have to mindfully work on. Maybe you have a desk or chair or nook or room that is accepted as a “when im here, i need a little quiet and privacy.” Talk about it.
It’s challenging but if you enjoy the fun of gifts - like I do - then you can keep it going. New refrigerators - or other appliances - are not allowed for Christmas - smiles!
Some of it is self-control like no snooping and some of it is purposely avoiding the obvious. Husband and I combine money and I am the money maven in the house who keeps track of everything, but a few days before my birthday I don’t look at the account because I know he is buying my present. He’s not slick enough to hide it, but I know better. I also know to make sure there’s enough money in there for him to get whatever he chooses without breaking the bank.
If gifts aren’t that important, spending time is. Make that fun and exciting.
Other post move-in tips; make sure he has his own space/room/area for him to retreat to (for his sanity and your’s) … and don’t sweat the small stuff, really! Smiles!
Simple solution for me and my fiance: We have separate checking accounts and don’t plan on combining them when we get married. It just works out better this way for us. At gift-giving occasions we never have ruined surprises (unless a package comes and it is clearly marked what’s inside). I like the idea about delivering it to a friend’s house if you are worried about this.
Also, another solution would be to open up a separate checking account for yourself where you can siphon money away to save up for gifts (my mom has always had a Christmas checking account to pay for all presents), then pay for gifts using this account. You don’t have to hide this account from your hubby ~ just tell him you’re opening up an account for gift-purposes (hopefully he won’t mind your saving up for his presents).
Great post, Mrs. T. We have a few ways of combating the married gift blahs:
First, we both maintain wish lists on Amazon year-round for birthdays and holidays. A few months ago, for the hubs’ birthday, I started buying small things off his list, but in stores, with cash, if possible (he’s a big book nerd and I work next-door to a book store, so that makes it simpler) I kept them hidden in places he wouldn’t look: in a box in the back of the closet, in my shoe rack, etc.
A few days before his birthday I did lock him out of our bedroom for an hour so I could wrap the gifts, so he knew something was up. Then, because I suck at waiting to give gifts, I stretched out all the small presents for the three days leading up to his birthday, saving the best gift for the actual day. He was surprised, and he loved getting to open multiple gifts.
He, on the other hand, is very crafty: one year for my birthday he made me a skirt - I got to choose the fabric, so this wasn’t a surprise, but it’s my favorite skirt and I love that he went to that trouble for me. For Christmas this past year his “big gift” was very small: a hand-made card that declared me a member of his personal flower-of-the-month club for all of this year. I get surprised randomly once a month with a small bouquet or a pretty potted plant… really sweet!
We don’t spend a lot on gifts because we’re on a tight budget, so we make up for it with thoughtfulness - or at least try to - and we tend to do small romantic surprise things from time to time (”Hm. It’s Thursday. Wanna have pizza and cheap spumante?”) that keep life interesting.
I think it’s imperative to start the habit of creative surprising now, early on in your marriage, so it’s just second nature to do those little thoughtful things. I don’t think the magic is gone with the B&J coupon… but I love cake and saving money, so I’d be cool with that.
i’ve always been big on little gifts at random times to keep the magic. the other day he was stressing out at work, confounded by the fact that they took his favorite snack out of the vending machine. two days later happened to be one month after we got married, so i bought his favorite snack and stuck it and a little note in his car while he was in the shower that morning. nothing much, but we love to do random little things for each other. it really does help!
as far as gift shopping, we each have our own credit card, so we can buy things on there.
We work hard to hide and not snoop so things can be surprises- and after seven years of living together it still goes really well.
We also only give each other personal, meaningful gifts at the winter holidays. Instead, we use our anniversary as the time to get big “couple” or household gifts, which are not necessarily surprises, but are great celebrations of our joint life. One year I’ll pick, the next year he will. This year, I think he’s planning on getting us a washer/dryer. Whee!!!
we live together, and his wedding gift will likely be his last big big surprise gift…I kept open a pre-fiance credit card and put it all on there. Shady? Maybe…especially since we share the checking account that will be used to pay off said credit card. But, i’m 100% certain it’s a purchase he would have eventually made for himself and i really love the element of surprise. That said, I’m okay knowing we’ll soon be the boring married and sharing combined gifts couple. I’m sure I’ll find other ways to surprise him. Gifts doesn’t have to forever remain one of them.
Living together does make it more difficult to suprise one another for sure. Mr. Onion and I just celebrated our birthdays (two days apart) and both managed to surpirse the other…sort of.
Mr. Onion was struggling with what to get me so I helped a little — he made an appointment for me to get a mani/pedi. Afterwards he found the only store in the city that sells nothing but size 4-5 1/2 shoes. He thought it would be fun for me to actually get to try on a shoe I liked knowing they’d have my size.
I managed to pull off a total surprise. I got him cufflinks from etsy(http://tinyurl.com/6ax426) — what he doesn’t know is that tonight we’re going to hear Chris Botti at the JVC Jazz Fest and then Wednesday afternoon, after his family work picnic, we’re going to Alan David Custom where we had his wedding suit and shirt made to get him a new custom shirt to go with his new cufflinks! I think it’s much easier to plan surprise experiences than physical gifts — give that a try for Christmas!
We live together but I have most of our packages mailed to my dad’s house. Since we live in an apartment sometimes it can be a challenge to get to the office before it closes. And my dad lives close enough for it to be easy. So I have no problem hiding surprises from him.
He has trouble keeping secrets from me so even if the gift is stashed at a friend’s house, he’ll start dropping huge hints!
There’s nothing wrong with getting a combined gift for yourselves– we got a plasma last year & a pretty furniture piece for it and we’re both very happy with it! Of course, we also gave little surprise trinkets to each other along with it … We’ve lived together for 6 years & have always managed to keep the gifts surprising and meaningful. One great thing about living together is there are more chances for him to pick up on the hints you drop! My guy often buys me things I didn’t even remember that I had wanted b/c I mentioned it so long ago! He keeps me happy.
We like getting each other gifts for the home. We both are really enjoying our latest gift to each other- All-Clad’s!! With the surprising each other with gifts thing…I hide his presents in the trunk of my car and in the file cabinet at my office and he just gets everything wrapped at the store so I can only see that there is a box there. I have really good self-control, though, and I love surprises, so I never even attempt to peek at gifts! With packages that we have to order online, I ship to my parents’ house and he ships to his parents’ house to avoid the shipping-label-reading thing.
We’ve been pretty good at keeping the birthday things a surprise, although we did over-talk the dinner/cake plans this year.
On the other hand, we were at IKEA the weekend between our anniversary and Valentine’s, so I bought him bedside tables and he bought me bookcases. 
I don’t have this problem yet b/c FH and I don’t live together, but I know that when I’m trying to hide a gift from my sister I just have it delivered to my office.
Ship it to your office. Problem Solved.
What fun and useful comments, everyone! I love hearing about your personal traditions, and some of the advice could be a smart primer on married life in general.
@Aliya: I really love your “find romantic joy in the every day” suggestion. Some of the other commenters have also showed ways they’ve done that, and I think you found the PERFECT phrase!
@heidz: About the Roku: Sadly, it only shows the “watch now” movies. Which we now realize are REALLY sparse. (We use Macs, so couldn’t go the computer-based route earlier….) The plus side is that the winners we’ve watched so far probably would never have gotten precious queue space — there’s a lot less invested when you only have to try it out for a few minutes. But, yah, we’re wishing hard for movie companies to face the future and start licensing their films.
@mhb: “I love cake and saving money” may become my personal mantra!!
@Inna: Office shipping is a great solution … but wouldn’t you know we both work from HOME?!?
I manage the money so he NEVER peaks at the expenses. I can do whatever I want. For me, he usually takes some money out and surprises me with whatever he gets with it.
We don’t ship presents to our house.
The marriage of two shopping/saving/spending styles is an interesting thing. We do these four things… granted, we’re not married yet (FEB ‘09!) so we might change our tune…
1. Keep our own checking accounts, and have joint checking (read: bills/mortgage) and saving (holiday/home fund) accounts. I like to shop and have been doing so for years. The boy makes less than I do and is GREAT at saving. So we contribute an equal percentage into our shared-funds, then we squirrel what we can into our own accounts for gifts or shopping sprees.
2. Year-round Wishlists. I formatted a simple and cute list for each of us (complete with sizes, favorite stores/colors) and taped them to the back of the closet. Whenever we think of something we’d like - from a comic book to a spa day - we write it on the list. This is used for birthdays/anniversaries and random surprise gifts when we’re feeling spendy. At the end of the year we take a look and roll items over or scratch them off. This is fun to do over blueberry pancakes in bed. Sticky but fun.
3. Standard Holidays = Standard Gifts - for Valentine’s day we do dinner & a movie at our favorite non-valentine-y place (it’s a hoff brau with a funky full bar). At Christmas we give each other something $25 or less - wrapped! - and then to do something together. We’ve taken a 5 day vacation, ballroom dance lessons — and have cooking classes, language classes, more vacations on the list! We do go to a new restaurant every year on our anniversary. In San Francisco it’s easy to not repeat yourselves…
4. Don’t ship presents to the house. We both work in offices and have family close by - so that one’s easy.
Damn I’m a wordy birdie. Apologies.
If I order something as a gift for my fiancé, I have it delivered to my work address.
Mrs. Tulip, DC
Age and Occupation: 36, Retired
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Counsel/DOO for Small Gov't Contractor
Engagement Date: August 8, 2007
Wedding Date: March, 2008
Venue: Still Looking!
About Me: In all my dreams of the man I'd someday marry, I never pictured anyone as perfect for me as Mr. Tulip. So now we just have to make it through the craziness of the wedding and the moving in together! I love crafts, sewing, jewelry making, and photography, so am looking forward to this chance for DIY fun. When not wedding planning, I'm playing with our dog and 4 cats, Ebay shopping, or watching too much TV (often simultaneously!).
Great post — we’ve faced the same issues since getting married. It’s compounded by the fact that we’re not that into those sort of standard gifty holidays (i.e. Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day) so it makes me feel unromantic. What’s a girl to do!?!
But we find our romantic joy in the everyday — I think it’s different when you get married (just my opinion!). For example, I brought home a bottle of champagne when he got promoted at work, and we made a big dinner together and ate off our fancy china. Or we enjoy a glass of something with appetizers out on the patio of the new house we bought. So it’s less about giving STUFF and more about spending time together.