Being a Good Hostess

Being a Good Hostess

June 27th, 2008 @ 3:11 pm by Mrs. Canary

Part of the reason I have been getting increasingly stressed about the wedding does not have anything to do with things that Mr. Canary and I have not prepared for or planned… but mostly things our guests have not done. Perhaps it is because we are the first among our friends to get married or perhaps people don’t realize that planning this wedding has taken up about 90% of our time in the past few weeks… but we are still met with so many questions that have been driving both Mr. Canary and me insane.

Among the many annoying things have been travel plans. We realize and greatly appreciate that so many of our guests are going great distances (literally and figuratively) to attend our wedding, so we posted a lot of travel information on our wedding Web site six months ago. We are merely three weeks away from the big day and I am still getting emails this week which included questions like this, "So where should we book our hotel? Do you have any suggestions? Can you book the hotel for us?" I really wanted to scream. We provided you all this information. We even printed a save-the-date six months ago so you could prepare for this.

Some of our close friends and family guests are coming in early to help with any last minute planning, so of course, we graciously offered to pick up from the airport because a) they were flying early and b) made their plans way in advance so we had enough notice. Again, this week alone, I have received three requests for airport pickups, including one for the afternoon before the rehearsal dinner. After hearing about that request, Mr. Canary had to fan away the steam shooting out of my ears.

Late RSVPers. Most of our guests have responded and most actually responded right before the due date. But it’s not necessarily the late folks who drive me insane, it’s the ones who can not decide if they are bringing a guest or not and want to tell you later. WHAT?

All these incidents reminded me about an article I had read in Domino Magazine about how to be a good guest, and I felt like I wanted to remind my guests about how to be a good wedding guests. Don’t get me wrong, I am so honored and happy that all these folks will be visiting New York and attending my wedding. I am just so flustered and at a loss for words when faced with questions about things I thought we had already answered. If I had a mini "how to be a good wedding guest" list… these would be the top three items:

1. Read all the information that’s provided in the save-the-date and invitation, which is where you’ll find pointers on accommodations, directions, attire/dress code and all the dates and times for events

2. If you can’t find answers to your questions, try asking members of the wedding party before approaching the bride and groom.

3. If you still can’t figure out and have to contact the bride and groom, for special "requests" make sure that it’s not something you could research or do on your own first.

I have tried my best to be a good and patient hostess, but at what point do you put your foot down and get people to help themselves? And what are some suggestions you may have for being a good wedding guest?

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17 Responses to “Being a Good Hostess”

Guest

Virginia

i understand!! i’ve had people expect us to book the hotel rooms for them (the SM of the groom for one) we put our foot down and were like WTF? i’ve been to my fare share of weddings and would never, ever ask the bride and groom to book our hotel reservations!

6/27/08 @ 3:17 pm (reply)

Guest

Ms. Frou

Here is my suggestion:
Wait 24 to 36 hours before responding to any voicemail (yes, that means don’t answer your cell phone–check the message first) or e-mail w/ one of these requests. 24-36 hrs is a reasonable amount of time to get back to folks–especially when you are working full time, have a wedding coming up, etc. In my experience, most figure out what to do while they are waiting to hear back. These folks are probably calling you first. You want them to call you as a last resort. The time delay allows for that. After 24 to 36 hours, those who haven’t figured out what to do may really need your assistance.

6/27/08 @ 3:19 pm (reply)

Guest

turtle

Oh My Gosh, Miss Canary! I am having the EXACT same problem. We provided tons of information on our website– and we sent our STD’s a full 7 months before the wedding. Now that we’re getting down to the wire I’m getting inundated with the most random questions– Is there someone else coming alone I could split a room with? What do I do when I get there? to my mother– Can I park my SUV at your house? and the weirdest– IS THERE SOMEPLACE I CAN GO WHITE WATER RAFTING IN THE AREA?

I understand and appreciate the sacrifices people are making to come to the wedding, but I’m also shocked at the constant stream of requests and questions. I think in some ways the extreme thoughtfulness that many people have started putting into weddings– websites, welcome bags, shuttle buses– has backfired and made guests think that their every need should be anticipated.

6/27/08 @ 3:21 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Daffodil (message) 561 posts, Busy bee

omg, i totally hear you! we got a lot of requests like that too, the week before the wedding, and it drove me crazy b/c i was already stressed more than i could handle! and i had spent so many hours researching everything like MONTHS before and posting it all up on our website. totally feel you canary. hang in there!

6/27/08 @ 3:28 pm (reply)

Guest

miss m

this is one of admittedly many personal pet peeves! is there any way to distribute the response load to some of the wedding party? as you’ve already done the research, perhaps they can respond with the info already posted. that way, the info gets to the guests and depending on how the message is sent/conveyed, it may set a good example for them if they have other requests/inquiries during their stay - go to the wedding party (or relative or trusted local friend) first.

deep breaths and happy thoughts!

6/27/08 @ 3:43 pm (reply)

Guest

Laura

No suggestions but I’m going through a lot of what you are right now too as our wedding is right around the corner.

It just kinda blows my mind that we’ve tried so hard to make it so easy for our guests and some of them still don’t seem to get it. I’m not mad at anyone I just know that if I was I guest I would return the RSVP card (cause there is postage on it and all) and I would check out the website that has information on it. It just doesn’t feel like everyone else lives up to the “guest standards” that I know I try really hard to follow, you know?

6/27/08 @ 3:44 pm (reply)

Guest

Kira

We had a couple very high-maintenance guests. My poor parents bent over backwards to help people save money (got several single people in touch so they could share a rental car, etc.) and STILL people didn’t seem to understand that we were busy having a wedding.

Granted, my MIL volunteered DH to make breakfast at our house for her mom and sisters the morning of the wedding. Thankfully, one of DH’s aunts was a “good guest” and saved him from that.

Oddly enough, my friends, most of whom haven’t been to a lot of weddings, were the best guests and required the least attention.

6/27/08 @ 3:56 pm (reply)

Guest

Ley

Haha, ahh. That’s when you say to them, “Oh, gee, I would LOVE to chat, but I am RIGHT in the middle of _____! I have a great website for you, though, that will probably be able to answer your question: http://www.myweddingwebsite.com. Hope that helps! I’ll see you at the wedding!”

And then don’t talk to them until then.

6/27/08 @ 4:19 pm (reply)

Guest

Ley

Except that was supposed to be a fake link. lol.

6/27/08 @ 4:20 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

griffen

Amen sister, from your mouth to the wedding god’s ears!

6/27/08 @ 4:20 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

frenchbulldog (message) 6,063 posts, Bee Keeper

@Ms. Frou: I agree, when they don’t hear back form you, in most cases I think they will figure it out themselves.

6/27/08 @ 4:40 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

Shannon

I am going through this right now! I asked my cousin to be our usher, and he replied, “sure - when’s the wedding?” even though we sent STD’s early! And my own brother even made alternate plans for our wedding weekend, and wehn I asked him if he got our save the date, first he said no, then later he was like “oh yeah, I think my wife got that or something.” COME ON people!

6/27/08 @ 5:47 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Espresso (message) 1,064 posts, Bumble bee

@turtle: I actually laughed out loud there- somebody asked you that?
@miss m: I agree with you- have the wedding party help out here

6/27/08 @ 6:24 pm (reply)

14.

Guest

Krista

You asked at what point you put the foot down. I say now. If it was two months before the wedding, fine, help. But it’s soon. If you’re asked, just let them know that you can’t think of the name of the hotel / can’t think of the directions / can’t pick you up at that time … But the information was on the save-the-date, so you could try checking to see if that helps.

Of course, phone screening is also a great suggestion. I loved the suggestion to wait 24-36 hours to call back! It totally will help. And when you do call back, refer them to the save-the-date.

It may be truly innocent ignorance, at not having attended many or planned a wedding (or, for the older folks, not having planned a recent wedding). At least, I like to HOPE it’s innocent!

6/27/08 @ 9:13 pm (reply)

15.

Guest

Guilty Secret

Oh man I am not looking forward to this! I have a feeling we’ll be in a very similar situation as we’re the first of our friends to get married too. I might have to forward all calls and emails to my sister…

6/28/08 @ 4:33 am (reply)

16.

Guest

antiruffle

A relevant video from “The Office” :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyAyIykWn9k

6/28/08 @ 10:30 am (reply)

17.

Member

megs08 (message) 133 posts, Blushing bee

I was pretty surprised by some of the question people asked us. Even after supplying loads of information to people I was stuck fielding ridiculous questions/demands and over stressed myself by worrying too much about other people… Could of done without that part of the planning process.

6/28/08 @ 3:53 pm (reply)