Wedding Blog
The title of this post is a line that Mr. Avocado used on me just this week… ah, so close!
It’s sad to say, but my left ring finger is naked, and always has been. Some of you may be thinking, “She’s a fake! A crazy bride planning a wedding without a groom.” It’s just not true, please believe me! As my wonderful mother pointed out to me when I was stressing about other peoples’ perceptions, I am engaged, I just don’t have a ring yet.
I even went so far as to buy a $10 stand-in from Wal-Mart. I’ve found that any mention of the wedding causes people to immediately glance down at my hand and then judge me when they don’t see a ring there.
I bought this big ropey black one in hopes that Mr. Avocado would think it was hideous enough to immediately propose. It didn’t work.
Correct me if I am wrong but I think I might be the first Bee in the hive without an engagement ring on her finger. Through this fantastical blogging universe, I have learned that I am not the only bride who is planning her wedding this way though, and I bet there are a few of you Weddingbee readers who are going through the exact same thing as I am!
I have been fine with letting Mr. Avocado to do things in his own way since he always does such a great job of letting me do things my way. We believe this to be the key to our success as a couple, as it allows us to exist as two unique individuals working to create a functional unit. Sorry to get all deep and philosophical on you for a second, but it’s really true!
Unfortunately this system has garnered a lot of confused questions from our family and friends. I have ALWAYS been a little crazy about weddings (you know the type, she already has her dress and flowers picked out, she just needs a groom to meet her at the altar), so I think a few of them might be thinking I am planning our wedding in that manner. But, I am not pressuring Mr. Avocado into anything he isn’t ready for. We, plural, want to get married to each other.
So to prove once and for all that there is really a ring, I will show it to you. Because it is currently sitting on his desk right now in plain sight. I can see it in a green bag. But I won’t put it on my finger and wear it around the house anymore, I pinky swear.
Here it is in one of the now world-famous Paloma’s Nest bowls. This isn’t mine. I had to give it away to some other stupid bride. It says “Love Conquers All” in Latin. And the bride isn’t stupid. She’s nice and will provide it a good home.
Yes, that is really my ring. But isn’t it kind of ugly and blurry and misshapen? I’ve decided to wait to show off the ring until I’ve experienced the official proposal. So we will all be waiting, hoping for Mr. Avocado to officially propose before I move home to central WA and get strange looks every day.
Please hive, tell me it isn’t true. I’m not the only one with a dress, photographer, florist, venue, and much much more without something pretty sparkling on her left hand? Am I? Any other ring-less engaged brides out there?
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I’m just curious how you both came to set a date and everything without an official proposal? I definitely looked longingly at wedding magazines (never bought them because I felt like a fraud pre-proposal) and read Weddingbee, but even now with the ring on my hand I haven’t set a date. So I’m wondering how that all happened for you without the “will you marry me” bit? And if he’s waiting for a big ta-da, isn’t it kind of past that point when it’s clear you two are in fact getting married, what with your florist and photographer in tow? What exactly is the hold up now that there is absolutely no “will he, won’t he” tension?
Yeah - is he just waiting for the perfect moment? Is he under a lot of pressure now to make it spectacular, do you think?
I was in the exact opposite situation - I got my ring so far in advance that I had to wait to plan anything! ; )
I’m a bit confused as well.
He asked you to marry him just didnt have a ring?
Or he hasn’t asked you and you’re just planning in the hopes that he will? haha
Explain! 
I really don’t understand this. If he has the ring (it’s not like he’s saving for it or it’s on layway at the jeweler’s or something) and you’re planning this wedding with a date and deposits and all, what is he waiting for? It almost seems cruel to send you through life waiting for the moment - and teasing you along the way with lines like that. If it were me it would be: no proposal, no ring, no planning. Maybe that’s the way the Poles roll, though.
I was a ring-less engaged bride! DH and I talked about marriage 3 months into our relationship…he then deployed for 6 months. over the course of that time, as we had already decided to get married, I booked the venue for both reception and ceremony, told my to- be bms about it, and a few other people…but I also got that glance t the ring finger so it deterrred me from telling more. 2 weeks after he came home, he officially popped the question with a ring…and we got married last month, been together for over 2 years. So nope, you are sooo not alone:)
sooo…how are you engaged without a proposal from either one of you. there had to be a conversation somewhere in there im sure. did you ask him to do a formal proposal or something? seems like theres a lot of pressure now, poor guy! also seems like you two dont need that formal “ta-da” moment like the last commet said. why dont you just put that ring on and no wait for that ‘moment”?
Maybe he should propose at the actual wedding ceremony. Is Mr. Avo a procrastinator?
I too am confused. We’re all on pins and needles waiting to be thrilled for you though, can you feel it? Time to spill it lady.
Agreed with Shawn - kind of fun to be able to wait for him to do it and anticipate the excitement. 
Pshh, I get it. I considered my fiance and I to be engaged long before he officially proposed, as my friend currently does with her “fiance” although he just bought a ring this weekend, and wants to propose at our wedding next month! 
eee!!).
I had a dress, wedding planner and venue before he officially proposed. The ring wasn’t sitting there waiting though — he did it as soon as he had it (though it was still completely a surprise!). I’m also confused about what his hold-up is! But I disagree with previous posters — even if he has the ring and you know it, there’s always a way to surprise you with a fantastic “ta da!” proposal.
Okay…let me see…you both made the decision to get married, but he has not made the formal proposal (and you’d like him to do so)? Is that it?
I was a ringless engaged bride to be. My FI proposed with his grandmother’s ring, which was about 9 sizes too big–literally. So we ended up having my e-ring reset, which took about 6 weeks, and in the meantime, I was engaged and ringless.
Although I have to say…I don’t quite understand your situation either, Miss Avocado.
I have never been more confused in my life. Please elaborate.
Yeah, I agree with most people above, I don’t really get it. You also mentioned that the ring he has for you is ugly and misshapen, is he waiting to buy you a new one?
I’m also confused for a different reason — you said your ring is ugly and misshapen. Do you not like the ring your fiance picked for you?
i am confused too. It doesn’t make much sense. If you are planning to marry why hasn’t he already proposed??????
FH and I both now we are getting married, we’ve talked about where and we’ve talked about when… we’ve even gone to look @ rings so he knows what I like, b/c I’m very picky and I’m only going to wear the ring the rest of my life, but we are not officially engaged yet so I kinda get where you’re coming from
I am confused! What is he waiting for? You both have agreed; you both have the logistics set; and he has a ring.
Ok, I’m not confused…I’M A RINGLESS BRIDE, too…and just like you…I have let him do it his way…
We started talking marriage a while ago and he “proposed”…it was something like:
HIM: I love you. Let’s get married.
ME: Ok.
There’s plenty or love, romance, adventure in our relationship but early on we just ‘KNEW’ that we wanted this for Forever.
Now that we’re a little more ‘grown up’ and that we’re planning a church wedding…I find myself without and engagement ring and a proposal. The people that know me understand and when strangers ask me I tell them “we haven’t found the right ring” which is true.
An engagement ring is something I NEVER want to give up, same as the wedding bands…I don’t want ‘upgrades’, change of setting, add more stones…whatever I get I hope I get to keep it for all our time together and that’s the reason I don’t have one yet.
We’re looking but we’re just too picky…when we find one…I want, and he knows, and ‘official’ proposal.
Please explain. I was ringless and planning for a few months but the ring hold up was that it was that he was trying to find a sapphire solitare that wasn’t the traditional blue color.
Under your wal-mart ring caption, I get the feeling that he hasn’t proposed yet (with or without a ring)??
* when we find the right one. He knows I want an “official” proposal and by that time the whole wedding might be already planned.
lol….reading thru the previous comments before me…..
you gonna have fun explaining this one ain’t cha’ Miss Avocado?
Add me to the confused list. If you’re profile says you’re getting married in October, 2008 and this is July…????
Maybe it’s time to just quit all the planning and say you’re not doing anymore until he actually proposes. Sounds like your situation is a bit of putting the cart behind the horse.
please elaborate…confused!
Perhaps you’ve posted out of order… because you have a lot of confused readers on your hands. One more here.
We’ve talked a lot about marriage and where we would want to have it and what kind of ceremony and who we’re going to invite and about going ring shopping, so I know it’s coming soon, but “engaged” that does not make me. So, like Colleen above, I read Weddinbee and the Knot and whatnot and plan in my head because it’s fun and practical to do some research ahead of time. But, like she said, I’d feel like a fraud doing any real planning without an official proposal. What is he waiting for? I really hope it all works out for you.
hi miss avacado! i’m exactly in the same boat as you are. we’re getting married in january. we have the venue, photographer, the church, even the floral intials made famous by pootiekins.. yet my left ring finger’s bare. we both knew we wanted to start the new year together so we started planning and he has been saving and searching for the right ring.
sometimes i think i’m crazy for planning a wedding when i wasn’t even proposed to officially with the ring but you have to keep in mind that the ring is just a tangible proof of the promise that you guys have with each other. it’s just a symbol. i don’t like getting the “she’s crazy” look either but hey, had i waited till he officially proposed with ring, there would be no way we’d have a january wedding. don’t let others affect your planning or thoughts whatsoever. i know it’s hard but keep in mind what’s important. he loves you and wants to marry you… you guys are just taking the alternative route.
Ok- so let me get this straight. You both talked about marriage, both of you want to get married to one another so you decided to plan for a wedding sans ring/formal proposal. But you are still waiting for a “formal proposal with ring included”. Am I correct?
I agree; a ring is not necessary for two people to decide to commit their lives to one another; it’s ludricous how over symbolized a little piece of jewelry has become and how much pressure is bestowed on the couple for a “formal proposal”. But based on the rest of your post it looks like the “ring/formal proposal” is truly important to you? I can’t wait for you to elaborate:)
I never had an engagement ring while we were engaged. Same boat as you! People did give me funny looks, but as long as you and your fiance know then you should be happy.
I’m confused too! (I thought this post would unconfuse me.) I’m looking forward to hearing more!
Add me in with the confused bunch. I definitely would not consider myself engaged without a formal proposal. A ring– not absolutely necessary. But a proposal? I’d consider that a requirement.
As a not-so-funny aside, one of FI’s cousins “accidentally” proposed to his gf a few years back by getting her a fancy ring for Xmas. She thought it was an e-ring, he just decided to go along with it…not even a year after the wedding, they were divorced.
rookies
I think it’s awesome he’s totally pulling a Jim on you. Of course, that means waiting and watching around every corner.
Take heart….they’ll catch up.
Miss A, it sounds like a follow-up post is needed ASAP. Your audience is chomping at the bit, here.
I’ve started to plan my wedding, too, w/o a ring. We want to get married in February, so I can’t wait, but I know he is shopping/saving for the ring. I had a post about this about a month ago, but last Saturday we actually went RING SHOPPING, and it was very exciting, although it made me realize the “official proposal” may be further than I thought!
I decided not to be a naggy bride, but if there is no ring by my 6 month mark (when I feel I need to order a dress) then there will be some serious chats! Hang in there and PM me if you ever need to vent about the situation. I had an awkward ‘no ring’ moment, too, but I’m sure it will just get worse as I have more apptmts.
I am a ringless bride too!! We have made plans for wedding, marriage, the house we’re buying, and kiddos.
Honestly, I have no idea what my guy’s hold up is!! He’s ready. He has the ring picked out. I do have the go ahead to start designing invites, to look at all the bridal magazines my heart desires, we’ve picked colors, we picked a season to get married… I’m just trying to be patient! Some times, the things turn out better than we ourselves could ever plan it!!
I totally understand the ringless thing–in the same boat. We’ve talked about marriage, know we love each other, etc….but he was putting so much pressure on himself to try to think of a proposal that he ended up not proposing at all (just a will you marry me/yes). I was disappointed at first, but realized in the end it’s the marriage that matters, not so much the path taken there.
Add me to the confused group. Did he propose or not? A ring doesn’t matter, but a serious adult conversation about marriage does, so I hope y’all had that. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll find out all the details about this soon, but explain it all quick, because I’m too confused and starting to lose interest!
Wow! I did not realize that this post would be so confusing. Apparently my attempts to clarify the situation have only made it worse. Another try:
1. He thinks he is under a lot of pressure to make a spectacular proposal, although I have informed him that all I want is something personal, a moment that means something to us as a couple.
2. In many ways I did this myself, since we came to an agreement that I would start the planning and he could propose anytime before August. I guess I should have set the deadline a little bit earlier.
3. I know he hasn’t yet talked to my father, which is something that is important to my parents, so nothing can happen until then.
4. Deciding to get married was very informal for us, we had been dating for about 9 months when we knew that we were ready to take the next step. We started looking at rings together, I knew when he made the big purchase, I guess there wasn’t ever a formal moment, things just happened really naturally. One night we were in my room and decided to set a date and that was it, we were getting married.
5. I did a little bit of photoshop magic on the ring that you see sitting in the bowl. You’ll get some gorgeous macro shots once I am wearing it on my finger.
6. If I wanted to wear the ring, I could. In fact, he encourages me to put it on all the time. But I don’t want to let him off the hook that easy. I guess we just like to tease each other a little bit.
I never realized how controversial this situation would be. I’m at a wedding all day today, but it looks like a clarification post needs to go up when I get back tonight!
I was an e-ringless bride too until well about 20 or so hours before the wedding.
Our case is a bit special since we were not planning a bit fancy thing but non the less.
We discussed getting married so we could stay together and be happy instead of separated by an ocean once more. It wasn’t big and fancy, it even took me a few days to register what we discussed. It was obvious for him and not for me.
Anyway, there was no ring. I didn’t care about the ring, but I cared about him asking me, I asked him even and his answer was maybe.
We even had an argument about it, stupid of me.
He told me that it was important for him to ask me, but that he couldn’t buy the ring then, although I found out later he had it in his pocket already and was just waiting for the right moment.
He ended up asking me the night before we had our civil wedding. Because of the timing I was absolutely not expecting it anymore and well, I loved it and said of course (like I was going to say no 24h before we tied the knot right?).
I never really cared for the ring personally, it’s the fact that he asked that mattered, although I am very happy to wear my e-ring and I look forward to our formal family wedding to exchange our wedding bands.
Come on peeps - didn’t you and the Fiance discuss marriage before he actually proposed? I think most couples have “the discussion” before the actual event. However, in Miss Avocado’s case, the proposal is just lagging a bit - even if Mr. Avocado 100% knows the wedding is being planned. It’s not like he’s holding back out of being unsure! I think this adds a fun TWIST to Miss Avocado’s story! I can’t WAIT to see how he does it.
Hi, I have been engaged for 7 months now, and I do not have a ring. But, the difference is, I’m NOT PLANNING TO HAVE AN ENGAGEMENT RING EVER. I promise I’m not a weirdo, but the ring has just lost meaning to me and the fiancee. We looked a bit together at first, but I never felt like I found one that I liked enough for forever. Plus, we work in environmental circles and trying to find a responsible alternative added to our frustration with the process. He proposed very traditionally, down on one knee, and told me he wanted to be together forever. We were able to celebrate that sentiment without the materialistic joy over a piece of jewelry. Yes, people glanced at my empty ring finger whenever we spread the news, and for a while I kept thinking that I would eventually get something, but it feels like I would be getting it just to please all those other people, and not my fiancee or myself. It won’t work for everyone here, but I promise, the wedding and your marriage are way more important than a diamond on your finger.
Ringless bride here! I do now have mine, but for 10 months of engagement I didn’t. I never got an official proposal either. I just received a “we should plan it” nudge and I was off! I am so happy I have my ring, but I am no more engaged with it than I was without it!
for a moment it felt like walking on knottie hell…no ring=no planning fun…ease up guys!
I have a friend who was doing the same thing. They talked about marriage and planned a november 08 wedding. This friend knows that he has a ring but he hasn’t proposed yet and because of that, their november wedding isn’t going to happen due to lack of time to plan the way she would like.
Obviously since you have vendors booked, you will be getting married in October but it seems strange waiting for the proposal now. Sort of anti climactic, isn’t it? I personally would be pretty frusterated and confused if I knew he had the ring but wasn’t proposing yet you were planning the wedding. Mixed signals in my opinion.
Yikes.. I think setting a deadline for him is going to make the situation even more stressful. Is a ring really that necessary? If it isn’t for wedding planning maybe it would save both of you allot of stress by making it unnecessary to enter a marriage.
angel, i love that you just name checked the office. classic. but i understand miss avo! the bf and i have [and do] talked about getting married and i’ve noticed that it’s gotten mentioned a lot lately between us. he gave me a promise ring for our first anniversary so people just assume that’s my engagement ring. lol. anyway, i’m like colleen and karen though i don’t feel guilty at all with pre-planning. but that’s probably because i’m a planner by nature anyway. i love researching stuff like this so it’s been a lot of fun. plus the bf checks in on what i’ve gotten accumilated so far and adds his ideas so he knows what’s up. lol.
so we’re just waiting for the timing to be right and then it’s on. for real. but hey, at least you’re farther along on this road than i, miss avo. nothing wrong with that!
Yikes is right, he’s making it worse on himself. I wouldn’t want to wear a ring that wasn’t officially given to me so it seems odd that he would engourage you to wear it.
i don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, and to each his own. i was so over-eager to be engaged though and now that i am and we’re weeks away from our wedding, i’m glad i didn’t do too much pre-proposal. it really added an element of excitement to the process. That said, i think the only confusing thing is why you feel like you have to “not let him off the hook”…if you were waiting for a super-special proposal, why didn’t you just wait for the super-special proposal? Being engaged has nothing to do with a ring or even the proposal…it has to do with the agreement between two people to get married. I think people are just confused why you’re waiting to put that ring on your finger. Seems like it could be construed as a little bit princess-y, maybe…but I am super excited to hear how things come together for your wedding. I mean you no disrespect. And congrats on your upcoming nuptials. I’m sure your “He Proposed” post will be awesome!!
I have a beautiful engagement ring but I dont wear it since I’m not accustomed to wearing jewelry. So I supposed I’m not ring-less per se, but people definitely glance at my hand when they hear me talking about my wedding. Doesn’t matter to me though.
wow, what a response to this post! I’ll say that for a while I was ringlessly engaged too. We had talked about marriage for a while (over a year) and knew a lot of the details before we had the ring. I mean, we had the ring designed together and I STILL waited for it after it was done (he surprised me w the proposal). Granted, I did no ‘official’ booking of vendors until I had that ring, but to each her own, right? do what you gotta do, miss avo!
Thanks, tea! I’m a bit surprised at how much everyone seems to be “it must be done this way” or maybe we’re just so used to it being done that way. To each their own you know. And from what I know of Miss and Mr. Avocado, this fits them perfectly. (yeah, I’m a total blog stalker…sigh)
i don’t even WANT a ring, so I will surely be a ring-less engaged girl (okay, maybe I’ll wear one, but it’s not important to me, especially a diamond). Plus, SOOOO many women stop even wearing their rings most of the time when they’re pregnant or have young children, so there are plenty of ring-less wives! No matter about the ring, it’s just a cultural thing…you do things your own way girl!
I’m still totally confused–how do you decide to get married and plan a wedding if neither of you have asked the other if you want to get married? Having a deadline seems like so much pressure–what if he never “proposes” at all? Obviously he wants to marry you and obviously you’d say yes when he asks, but I would not use the term “engaged” to describe you, because I don’t think you are. You could be the first Bee (and maybe the first person) ever to get married without ever being engaged!
And to clarify, I don’t think it has anything to do with having a ring or wearing a ring–I think it has to do with saying to each other, “yes I want to marry you”–and it doesn’t sound like you’ve done that yet.
I think what confuses me about this situation is it doesn’t seem like you are truly happy about it… saying you should have set the deadline sooner, that he hasn’t asked your parents, etc makes me nervous for you, since these are things that are obviously important to you. Being ringless is totally okay - as long as it’s okay with YOU. And I just get the itchy feeling that you are your fiancee aren’t completely on the same page. I think that the comments here aren’t to tell you what to do or how things should be done, but are just expressing concern for your happiness - now and in the future.
So basically, you two proposed to one another. You two proposed marriage to one another and you both accepted. There was a proposal just not the traditional kind.
It may not be the route 90% of couples go, but as long as you are both in it to win it this October, the whole down on one knee ring thing can happen anytime.
I was confused to, because I thought there hadn’t been a proposal, but there has - just an unusual one…
I’m hoping that people’s negative/confused reaction is just out of concern that maybe Mr. Avocado isn’t ready or that Miss Avocado is jumping the gun.
Personally, proposing was a big step for my FI–saying the words meant he had made this decision in his life and was ready to enter marriage. But not all men view the proposal this way–Mr. Avocado seems to be a prime example! So long as you both decided to do this and are equally invested you don’t need a ring, a proposal, or even a wedding to be committed to each other.
Dude! Do it your own way. Your story and your posts are refreshing. I read Wedding Bee because the brides tend to be at all along the modern-traditional spectrum and I love that you are doing something different. Also, it feels similar to my own situation. I feel like a LOT of planning and agreement needs to go into our marriage, not just the wedding. I think it’s healthy to figure out all of that stuff beforehand, and deal with The Proposal when it seems right. You know what the end result is - at this point it seems you both are just doing it because it’s a fun, meaningful story. Aint nothin wrong with that!
@Miss Avocado: Wow … this explanation makes so much more sense … I was totally baffled.
Thanks Miss Avocado … and Welcome to the Hive!
Ringless bride here too! Fiance proposed without a ring. We started looking at rings and were generally dismayed by the garishness and cost of contemporary rings, so we started looking at vintage rings, but those were still running around $3k for styles that I liked. Our financial priorities are definitely not on sinking a bunch of cash into a diamond, so it was a dilemma for a while. Fortunately my mother bailed me out by offering me my grandmother’s wedding ring. Its from the 1950s and I love it. It does have diamonds, but we decided that I wouldn’t wear it until the wedding (except when I sneak it on to oggle it now and then).
An engagement ring it totally not necessary if you’re both comfortable with it.
NO! My fiance proposed to me with a simple wedding band! That was even more confusing to people because they thought I was already married (and just doing the big wedding thing for gifts!). Eventually, i did get my ring… but I will always keep the wedding band (it won’t fit around my engagement ring) because it’s sentimental. we are even looking into melting it down to make my wedding ring out of it… because it means so much! Don’t let it get to you….
I was in a different, but somewhat similar situation — we knew we were getting married, but there was no ring involved, so we started planning. He HAD asked my parents, but the ring hadn’t come in yet, so he waited to ask ME formally until it did come in. I knew he had asked my parents, I knew he had ordered my ring (but had no idea what it looked like), so, what the hey, we went ahead and started planning. And it felt like such a sham meeting with vendors — they all kept saying “Congrats! Now let’s see the ring!” and there was no ring to see!
I’m ring-less, but we did have a simple, tear-inspiring proposal. (In my office, no less!). We picked a ring, we love the ring, the stone was not set correctly and the jeweler has jerked us around… requiring a strongly worded letter and much frustration on my fiance’s part. No matter to me, ring or no ring, we are very engaged!
I think MissChickie has nailed it on the head, that people might be concerned that the cart and horse are in the wrong order. As long as both parties are 100% sure (enough to put deposits on venues and photographers), then ring or no ring they are planning on marrying!
I don’t know what the big deal is? Obviously they BOTH came to the decision that they want to get married. It’s not like the Mr. might not want to or the to-be-Mrs is over eager. They’ve been planning the wedding and like Miss Avocado explained, Mr. Avocado is under pressure to conjure up the perfect propsal AND get her parents’ blessings. But if they don’t have a problem with waiting a bit, then why should we? The decision’s already made, he can bend down on one knee with the ring anytime before the wedding to “complete” the proposal. For all I know, a lot of people don’t even have this formal proposal.
I am SO GLAD that you joined the hive. I am a ringless future bride as well and find nothing strange about it. My FIANCE and I had extensive conversations about marriage, how we felt about each other, and the life we wanted to make together. And we came to the mutual decision to get married. Yes, I will be getting a ring, and yes it will be a surprise. But its all secondary to the fact that we have each other and have made a commitment to be together. The ring is so secondary. And yes we have a venue, a photographer, a florist, and a planner. And at first I was a little uncomfortable going around without a ring, so worried about what people were saying, but after a while I just got over it and let it go. Not everyone has to fall into these guidelines of what an official engagement is!!!!! Do it your way. Be proud! And don’t wear a fake ring, its others problems not yours and it makes when you get the real one so much more special.
Maybe I’m from a different planet– I don’t think engagements are about rings. Personally I think you’re engaged when you or your significant other ask each other, “Will you marry me?”
Yes, many times this means a boy on a knee with a ring, but not always. So as long as the question has been offered up and then there’s been answer– then you’re engaged!
I think I get it…and I can think of specific examples of similar circumstances:
I went to a lovely wedding a year ago where the couple got engaged very informally. They were lounging around one weekend having a great time and started to talk about how happy they were and how very much they wanted to be married to each other…she went to her office on Monday and announced that she had gotten engaged over the weekend…no engagement ring, but everyone was so excited for her and she planned her wedding with no engagement ring.
They are both successful professionals in their late twenties so it wasn’t a matter of not being ready (e.g. waiting to graduate or something) or being unable to purchase a ring…they just weren’t very big into certain traditions or social norms. They ended up customizing their wedding bands, but she felt no need to get an engagement ring…instead she has a gorgeous wedding band…so she was ringless until her wedding day.
My FSIL also planned a small wedding with no engagement ring - she was ringless until her wedding day.
My fiance introduced me to everyone as his fiance before he proposed because he had already told me he wanted to marry me and I felt the same…we just waited a few months to pick out a ring together. But I did wait to start planning until after the official proposal.
My first ringless proposal was in mid-January. My second, with ring, was May 1 : ) I’m with ya!
Get the ring, girl! Not to sound superficial, but as a bride with a nice stone, I do look. I look and occasionally, yes, I judge. Sometimes the ring is getting cleaned, I say to myself or resized, but we judge. Let’s be honest even the best of us are catty sometimes. If you can’t afford a ring, you probably can”t afford to get married and start a life. together. I don’t mean “have a wedding” either, have a life together and build your nest.
NMA, they’ve got a ring. It’s just sitting in a drawer, waiting to go on Ms. A’s finger. : )
My 2 cents: I get being engaged without a ring, and really the ring (or lack thereof) is not at all anything I consider unusual–like yes, if someone tells me she’s engaged I automatically look at her finger, but the engagement is not the ring and there are plenty of reasons ranging from “we’re having one custom-designed and he wanted my input, but wanted the proposal to be a surprise and come first” to “I think engagement rings are sorta silly and we’re both just going to wear wedding bands alone” for it.
But if someone has set a date and booked vendors…to my mind, they’re engaged, and any formal proposal is just sort of a bonus (but incidental) formality. If you’re to the point that the date is set and the wedding is being planned, you’re engaged, full stop. If the guy (or girl) wants to do a formal proposal that’s cool, but a person planning the wedding sans formal proposal is no less engaged than a person planning a wedding post formal proposal.
i get it miss avocado! I was also e-ringless. shortly after my fiance and i started dating, we decided we wanted to get married.. Only difference from miss avocado’s story is that the fiance asked my parents for my hand in marriage. I too got weird looks from ppl when i said i was engaged w/o a ring. . but my mom always reassured me that being engaged does not necessarily have to involve a ring. Being engaged should be about the commitment the two of you are about to make as husband and wife. She encouraged me to start the wedding planning… and i did! You do it your own way Miss Avocado! no need to be discouraged by the judgements made around you!
Give the girl a break ladies… I know exactly where she is coming from. I too have a date (October 5, 2008) and yet… I too am ringless! It doesn’t bother me a bit. Now don’t get me wrong, just like every other bee and bee reader, I had my fairytale played out in my head… the romance, the bended knee, the whispered tear jerking words… but it never happened *sigh* instead my “prince charming” took me to dinner at our favorite little italian restaurant and casually over bruschetta and stuffed mushrooms says “we deffinately have to have our reception here” HUH? WHAT RECEPTION? QUE? COME AGAIN! “yeah, our reception, when we get married… maybe in October when the weathers nice… ”
My man is a shy one… who was I to say anything to de-rail him? and so… we began to plan, and set dates and talk about colors and decor and guests… and now, we are 3 months away from being man and wife… and still no diamond. We are paying for everything ourselves, up front, no plastic, no payment plans… and my day will be perfect bliss when he places that tiny silver band on my left hand!
trying not to add too much to this conversation but a “will you marry me” and a ring does not guarantee a wedding or a marriage. I’ve had one too many girlfriends get both and then he or she broke off the engagement a few months/weeks before the wedding.
Miss Avocado does not need either to plan her wedding. as she said “We, plural, want to get married to each other.” that’s all she needs.
Welcome to the Hive, Miss Avocado, and please don’t let all the comments of confusion put you off! I think a lot of people are just trying to understand the situation, not pass judgement.
Personally, I agree that you don’t need an engagement ring to be engaged, just the same way that not having a wedding ring doesn’t make you any less married (yes, there are some people that don’t wear wedding rings - shock horror! ).
Yes, for many people, the proposal moment with the ring being slipped on the finger is SYMBOLIC of the start of the engagement, but it is not always necessarily the start of the engagement. ‘Engaged to be married’ means just that … being in the process of getting married, which you clearly are. I remember my mum telling me once that my cousin was ‘going to get engaged in New York’ … if they already knew about it, and were already telling family about it, then in my mind, they were already engaged.
The ‘proposal’ thing to me is separate … in my mind, you’ve already had a joint proposal of some sorts, when you both agreed to get married. If it was me, I wouldn’t then be concerned about having an ‘official’ proposal, especially at this stage in the planning, but I can see how the talking to the parents is important to you. Just don’t feel that you need to have the official ‘template’ of a proposal if you don’t want to - you do it your way!
Oh, and there was one more thing I wanted to say, what was it? Oh yes … congratulations on your engagement!
Miss Avocado.. I get your situation. I was a ringless bride for about 8 months! My fiance asked me to marry him in December 2006..We’re getting married in August this year. It was on the phone. He told his family, I asked mine.. we always knew we were going to get married.. We were 10,000 miles apart. So thats why it was on the phone.. I didn’t tell anyone but my closest friends but somehow it got around to a couple of people in the office and at the Christmas party people started congratulating me and looking at my hand. And it was really weird.
We set an approximate year and time, and talked about wedding stuff a lot. I went home 8 months later and about 3 weeks after being home he proposed. I anticipated the proposal EVERYDAY. When we were out at our favorite coffee place, a fancy dinner, a long car ride.. The poor guy felt a LOT of pressure.. and I was kind of impatient.. but when he finally proposed with the ring it was perfect… it was at my parents house..he surprised me.. it was out in the garden.. I was in an old basketball shorts and a faded college t-shirt with my super geek glasses on! It didn’t matter.. it was just personal and right! So I am sure he’ll figure it out!
So sometimes, you just know your going to get married and you can talk and plan everything. The ring is just a symbol.. and it will be perfect however, you get it!
So good luck and hang in there!
A ring isn’t important, but it sounds like you are unhappy about it. You are putting a lot of pressure on him to do things a very certain way and it seems like you aren’t going to be happy if he doesn’t, but you aren’t giving him time to do it his way either.
I get the part about not having an e-ring. The e-ring is symbolic. What threw me was she said that he had not proposed yet, she was doing her wedding planning. She made it sound as though she was waiting for the marriage discussion.
It’s one thing to not have an e-ring. It’s quite another to have everything in place for a wedding and not have a willing partner. That’s just the way it sounded to me originally hence MY particular confusion.
I’m so glad you cleared your circumstance up.
i’m not judging, i’m just very confused.
i get it, but why on earth are you not wearing a ring if he has it already? and if you don’t want a big proposal then isn’t the one you’ve already gotten (it seems) good enough?
i just don’t get it, and i want to!
I don’t understand why people are fussing about the deadline? I’m ALLLLLLL about deadlines.
My husband and I knew we were headed down the marriage path. I waited a good two years for him to get all the necessary ducks in a row to make that leap. When it seemed like he was dragging, I put a deadline on it. I knew I was too valuable to be hanging around for a guy who’s not stepping up to the plate.
My husband says to this day it was one of the best things I ever did for him. He was a total procrastinator (and also totally petrified of talking to my parents about it). All he needed was the motivation to just step out and do it.
Sooooo glad I gave that deadline. We’re two years married now and having a blast.
Miss Avocado, your posts are witty and I like you. Don’t worry about the confusion, you and Mr. Avocado have a plan and that’s what counts. Now people I vote, lets move on from the proposal…and onto the details!!
Did anyone see “Sex and the City”? Carrie never had a ring and she got married:) To each her own:)
Everyone has their own story…
My fiancé and I started dating in June of last year. When we were on a trip to a friend’s wedding in August, we bought his wedding band. It was our secret ring. Was I setting myself up for heartache? Possibly. But, when you feel like things are right, sometimes the order doesn’t matter as much. (He proposed New Year’s Eve, btw.)
Haha I can one up’ ya Avocado! I’m MARRIED and waiting for a proposal =P Me and my hubby decided to get married, went off to the courthouse and did just that. Neither of our families know we’re married and we’re still planning to have the big wedding…just waiting for THEM to be ready for us to be married. Heck I’m postin this from an alternate email ’cause I still plan on applying to be a bee when my husband DOES propose lol (I too am requiring a real proposal…everyone wants a nice story). So I understand just fine =)
After reading through all of your comments I would like to give me two cents one last time and then move on to the details, the reason I wanted to write for Weddingbee in the first place. I appreciate all of your comments and opinions, even the skeptical ones that don’t agree with what I am doing. I began writing for Weddingbee knowing that some of the things I did might be criticized.
I think I found two different themes running throughout. The first is putting the cart before the house, related directly to a lack of commitment. The second is a little more subtle, but I think is related to the idea that we are lacking in maturity and not taking the decision very seriously.
Thank you for helping me realize that the ring is simply an outward manifestation of an inward commitment. I can’t prove anything to you about our dedication to the relationship or our maturity in making the decision. I can show you my bank account so you can see the deposits that have been made, or the dress I’ll be wearing, I can even have Mr. Avocado get on here and make an announcement about his feelings, but I don’t think those will prove anything.
The only thing that will prove anything would be an invitation to our 50th wedding anniversary decades from now. Leave me your address, I’ll send one your way.
Congrats to you. I’m looking forward to following your planning.
SERIOUSLY!?!?! All of you people need to chill out! I’M A RINGLESS BRIDE-TO-BE TOO!!!!! I think it’s great! I’m so happy for you. With our situation, we had other things that required our finances before a ring, I know that we both love each other very much and can’t wait to be married. With as fast as wedding venues book up, we made a conjoined decision to go ahead with planning and when the ring comes, it comes! A marriage or any commitment to one another is not measured in a piece of jewelry. I love engagement rings and what they signify, but sometimes people need a little extra time to do it the way they want to! I know mine’s coming sometime soon, and it sounds like yours is too! Whenever it happens will be amazing! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!!! You go Ms. Avacado!!!
I guess my one (gentle) question, is that has Mr. Avocado also put down deposits on venues and gone on wedding appointments? I have had three friends in commited relationships whose BFs declared they “should get married” and they took it as a proposal, getting wedding dresses, booking photographers…. but none of those weddings ever happened. I’m not saying that’s the case for you, I just hope that there has been some tangible and monetary indication that Mr. Avocado is on board with this! Regardless, best of luck and I’m thrilled you’re happy.
i just want to say congratulations!
cant wait to hear allllll the details of your upcoming wedding.
ring-shming. its on its way.. and even if it weren’t, who cares!? you’re HAPPY and in LOVE and getting MARRIED!
congrats : )
I did forget to mention that my husband felt under a lot of pressure when it came to proposing as well even tough we had made he decision to get married and set a date for our civil ceremony.
I think a lot of men do realize that it’s something that can mean a lot and they want it to be great, sometimes so great that it gets overbearing for them. I guess whether or not the wedding is decided we sometimes need to give our guys some slack and let them do things they own ways.
As long as you both say yes on the D-Day who cares about the rest.
Just wanted to take a minute to say “Welcome, Miss Avocado.” I’m very excited to learn about all your details. And I very much agree with your comments above. Just because a couple plans to get married does not mean that events have to occur in a specific sequence. I don’t see why a formal proposal is needed first, if there is a mutual understanding and agreement to wed. As Miss Pomegranate said, every couple has the “where is this going” conversation at some point in time. In some ways it’s like you are betrothed/promised. You’ve both made a promise; him to propose and you to say yes…when the time comes. In many ways I find it quite romantic!
If I am assuming too much, I’m sorry. It’s not my intent. I simply wanted to encourage you.
I’m curious about where/how you and Mr. A met. Were you perhaps in Poland on your mission? I’m sure that story is coming. After all we can’t blog 24 hours a day! :o)
Welcome once again!! Good luck with all your plans!
I kind of get you and kind of don’t. We know for sure we’re getting married (well, we’ve KNOWN since like… our second date :D) and we’ve talked about it in great detail, but I’m using all of my self control to not start planning things officially until he actually proposes. I don’t know if he has the ring or not (I don’t think he does though) but I know it’s coming between the end of October and the end of December this year. The anticipation is SO much worse when you know it’s gonna happen, rather than not really knowing.
oh, i feel the need to apologize! i did not in any way mean to imply that your engagement was false or untrue in any manner! i just wondered why you were prolonging the matter, that’s all as i can see that you are truly engaged. i’m very sorry if my comment was taken that way, i really am.
Well my situation is the same yet different. We are engaged in the culturally traditional sense. His father asked my father for permission for his son to marry me. I have a ring. I just never received a proposal from my fiance. In fact we rarely discussed our plans to marry. It just kind of evolved to a point where we knew we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. We have booked the reception site, church, photographer, videographer, and do everything as a married couple to-be. Our families are close to one another and celebrate all holidays and vacations with the whole big united clan. So Ms. Avocado you are not alone, I too am awaiting my proposal!
I wasn’t a ringless bride to be, but I chose a band ring as my engagement ring… and then wore what looked more like a typical engagement ring on my right had, a gift from my grandma. So yeah, that resulted in a lot of insecurity on Mr Popcorn’s part. I mean, he was probably right that when people asked to see “the ring” they were asking for a closer look at the ring from grandma and then were startled when I held out the hand with the band ring.
But I don’t wear the ring from grandma every day now that I’ve got the wedding band on my left, and the engagement ring on my right.
Miss Avocado–maybe this can start a new tradition in your family! Every couple has to have the “what do you think about marriage/are we ready/is it for us” talk–so most people know they are going to get a proposal at some point, right? Maybe he can do it at the rehearsal dinner, or you can take a pre-minimoon a month before the wedding date and he can ask you then?
@misschickie: We’re going to Mexico for a week the 3rd week in July. I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to do it then
I think the conversation is actually more important than the proposal and ring - it shows that both of you are on the same page, equally committed, and the fact that you actually have a date and venue and stuff? You are clearly engaged, so I say mazel tov!
Get a grip guys. Everyone’s story is different. A ring (or the price of a ring as is often the comparison among my engaged friends at work) doesn’t equate to commitment. My soon to be husband and I talked about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together from very early in our relationship. Later we talked in detail about getting married. I proposed on Feb 29 without a ring for him or myself. I’ve never wanted a diamond. We have simple matched titanium wedding bands. I’ve found when people ask to see my ring and I say I don’t have one no one reacts poorly. Our wedding is in less than two weeks and we are both thrilled.
ok, I am totally late to this party…but I set a date months before we were engaged. I told Mr Corn that I was getting married on 09-08-07 with or without him.
In all seriousness, we were in the middle of buying our house and my accountant husband does things very methodically…just not necessarily in order
The moment I ‘knew’ he wanted to marry me was not when he asked, but rather two months prior when he asked me when I wanted to move into the house…I said ‘not until we are engaged’ and he said ‘ok, how about by December 1′.
No worries about not having a ring…and even if you never get the ring, clearly, that isn’t what matters.
Glad you’re here to blog about it Miss Avocado!!
–Cornholio
[...] Avocado is back and ringless no more! Let’s dive right into the magical proposal, shall we? As you may know, we had an [...]
woah people gave u sh!t about that? Really? oh well, I cant wait till we see your 50th anniversary party invites :o)
much love!
Hello Everyone!
Today is September 18, 2008 and I, too, am officially planning a wedding without the RING!
I have been dating my fiance’ for 3 years. We’ve tried planning a wedding twice… We looked for rings the first year dating, one time, that was it. I never looked again.
We both talked about marriage and a wedding. I’m so indecisive it is ridiculous. I lived a life of trying to please everyone in my life–especially my family.
The only voice I heard that always supported us as a couple was my father (literally in my dreams, though). He passed three years ago. He never met my fiance’. My fiance’ was just a boyfried of 3 months–and still came to the funeral. It was the most awkward event in the world. He had to meet my family at a time like that???? That was just the beginning of the drama.
Now, I’ve been planning a wedding since FOREVER, but officially since this past May. I’m a pro at planning things, so it was no stress for me. The wedding is still on. Deposits are made. Dresses are ordered. Things are BOOKED. We have seven weeks till the wedding and I am HAPPILY RINGLESS!!!
Please understand that I used to be like so many of you ladies out there. I was probably the most materialistic DIVA walking Earth. Then…. I grew up. When I lost my father, my whole world changed. THINGS did not matter to me. I never thought I would say this, but I’m perfectly fine with walking down that aisle, marrying the man of my eternity, with nothing but a sweet ole KISS! Forget the ring! Seriously! Our world has made RINGS such an issue it is ridiculouis! How many people struggle before, during, and after their marriage–or divorce, just because of their materialistic ways?
Yes–jewelry is great! Truly it is. But, it’s not everything. Think about it…. If we needed a ring from every person that supposedly loved us… GOOD GRACIOUS! There wouldn’t be enough GOLD AND DIAMONDS AND SILVER IN THE UNIVERSE–at least not for me.
I feel engaged. I am engaged. I’m getting married. I’m so excited and happy! Will I have a ring? Certainly. One day. Before the wedding? Who gives a care? Seriously? If I’m ok with it… that’s that.
All my ringless ladies–you’re gonna be alright girlfriend!
Marry that man! Only you know the value of that relationship with him…
November 8th! Mark your calendars… i’ll be back to update you!
@Melodi Dixon: Melodi, it sounds like you are confident and fabulous, and ready to take on whatever anyone sends your way. You described so completely (and much better than I did) exactly the way I felt when I was engaged and ringless. Best of luck to you, I hope your planning goes as wonderfully as mine has
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Mrs. Avocado, Seattle
Age and Occupation: 23, Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Consultant
Engagement Date: July 27, 2008
Wedding Date: October, 2008
Blogging Since: June 30, 2008
Venue: LDS Seattle Temple & Hotel 1000
About Me: Somehow this little farm girl found herself a genuine Pole to fall in love and eventually move away to Poland with. I am an LDS bride attempting to plan a private religious ceremony, ring ceremony, seated reception for 100, and an open house while coordinating for guests flying in from across the United States and as far away as Poland. I try to avoid fads, excess waste, and saturated fat. I strongly endorse photography, DDR, calorie counting, rss feeds, cooking, and utilizing your resources.
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