Something That’s Been Weighing On Me
July 9th, 2008 @ 4:10 pm by Mrs. Gingerbread
Can we talk about self-esteem and body image for a minute? I’ve noticed that weight loss and weddings seem to go hand in hand. I’ll admit that I am trying to shed a few pounds before the big day, but what I am not doing is beating myself up about. Telling myself that I am a fat cow does not inspire me to take care of myself. Telling myself that I am embarking on a new chapter in my life with Miss GB 2.0 and that I want it to be a long and healthy one does. For me this inspires healthier food choices and more long walks.
When I was in high school, I first noticed self-deprecation as some sort of weird female bonding ritual. In gym class, classmates would regularly point out what they saw as their physical flaws. One in particular used to grab the flesh on her thighs and loudly proclaim that she was “sooooooo fat!” I thought she was crazy because she was soooooooo not fat and I also thought, “You look fine to me, but when you do that thing to your least favorite body part, it just draws negative attention to it and that’s not attractive.” Self-confidence is sexy. Self-deprecation is not. What’s the point of shedding those extra pounds anyway? Isn’t it to feel good about yourself? How do you get to that “feel good about yourself” place by cutting yourself down?
Luckily for me, I didn’t pick up any of that body hatred. I think I should also be thanking my mom for that. Now, I am not saying that I think I have the perfect body or that I am free of imperfections. I’d like to lose 10 lbs as much as the next person, but I am trying to focus on the health aspect rather than on the “I’m not worthy until I am two sizes smaller” aspect.
So you’ve heard my opinion, but what do you think? Is it possible to approach weight loss without turning it into a body hate-a-thon? How do you do it?
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32 Responses to “Something That’s Been Weighing On Me”
Yes! It is entirely possible to work on weight loss and improved health without spinning into a cycle of self deprecation. I have recently lost 100lbs and I have done it by focusing on small steps, small improvements and by not bashing myself if I slip up. It isn’t easy, but you’re right…it is about focusing on sharing a long and healthy life together and not about focusing on how your arms look in your dress.
Great post!
Right on, Miss GB! What surprises me about weddings is that people assume that you feel bad about your weight and should be dieting etc. I’m no size 2, but when I pick up a cookie or a brownie or a donut at work, I cannot believe that people say things like– “Wow, and with the wedding coming up…” (inside sideways glance here)! Why do people assume that you should feel badly about myself? And also– I know that no one is saying this stuff to FI, only the bride has these absurd expectations placed on her.
God, that’s a good point. I’m totally guilty of beating myself up over body image! I was whining to my sister just YESTERDAY even about how I wish I could just cancel our photographer for the wedding because I’m so fat. lol. I wasn’t exactly serious, but, you know, it’s a struggle to stay positive when you have such a negative self-image. You’re right in that thinking about it and talking about it only brings attention to it more. I’m no where near the size I’d imagined I’d be in my wedding pictures (that will last forever! eek!), but that doesn’t mean I need to think I’m hideous.
Thank you for the esteem boost! 
I think weight loss happens best when you can accept where you are nowand don’t focus on a number. Having a goal helps, but instead of saying, I want to lose 10 pounds, I find it helps to say, I want to have more energy or I want to be able to run x miles without losing my breath etc… Focusing on eating healthy, drinking lots of water, exercising and learning to recognize when I am full (and not eating late at night) works the best for me. I know it’s all redundant and seems like common sense but I’ve learned the hard way that its the only method that doesn’t have the potential for negative side effects. I’ve always been naturally slim but wanted to tone up just as much as the next gal for my upcoming nuptials. In the last couple of months I developed unknown internal problems caused by stress overload from work. I could barely eat, I dropped more than 15 pounds and looked like a skeleton! I look back on how body conscious I used to be and I realize how ridiculous I was to be so self conscious! I have a new respect for any girl who can eat!!! I think that my issues that I went through helped me to develop a new self perception as well as empathy for others.
Can I get an “AMEN” for this post?
You know, I totally agree with you AND I am one who tends to do the self depricating, just like my Mom always has. I’m not trying to whine and blame my loving mother for any self esteem issues I have, and I do really believe that Mothers self esteem issues tend to be passed down to their daughters. It’s hard to stop that evil voice in the head sometimes to break the cycle, but I refuse to quit trying, so that if I have a daughter someday, she won’t hear it from her primary female role model….ME!
This post was just what I needed to hear! Thanks for the reminder of what is really important:)
I never really hated my body, even though I was always the chunky one on the swim team. Eight years being overweight in a swim suit really helps you get over any body issues!
But then I found myself getting tired climbing stairs and not being able to find comfortable outdoor clothing for hiking and such. I was active but ate a ton. So I decided that I just needed to be a healthier weight and I took off 60 lbs! I make it sound easier than it was. Two years of hard work. I am up about 15 from that initial weight loss and with the wedding -3 weeks away I have no illusions about getting back to my “thin” weight. But I feel healthy and happy and that is what matters. I even live in NY where I feel like fashion and glamor are the name of the game. So concentrate on eating more veggies, fruit and (in my case) only eat one slice of pizza at a sitting!
We will all look glowing and beautiful as brides no matter what!
I’m so glad you wrote about this topic! Ever since I became a soon to be bride I’ve been hearing bizarre comments about when I’ll be hiring a personal trainer, or “don’t worry about losing weight because you won’t eat 2 weeks before your wedding.”!!!?? It is insane the expectations people on you, and I’ve been feeling guilty for not buying in. At the same time though it provides a sweet feeling of rebellion when I eat a decent size lunch & think that I’ll be happy to look like me on my weddding day, which isn’t all that bad!
it’s tough, but i try and stay focused on the positive aspects of working out - stress reduction, increased energy, etc. - rather than fixating on the flaws. as someone whose weight has fluctuated more than a little, keeping the health benefits in mind over figure flaws (real or imagined) is helpful. it reframes the whole process in a more positive light, making it about healthier life choices than getting rid of this or that flaw.
thank you for sharing, miss GB - this is something i struggle with as well.
Did you ever read The Body Project, by Joan Jacobs Brumberg? It’s a study of this very issue. How young girls are indoctrinated (whether by family, peers, or society at large) into a horrific, self-perpetuating system of criticizing their bodies. It also looks at how this has been going on for centuries.
Anyway, it’s fascinating. You’d did it.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
And can I add that it’s not just weight specifically that the wedding industry glomps on to? All of a sudden every tiny facet of our appearance must be scrutinized and made over so we look like perfect brides. We’re supposed to start worrying about the perfectly natural hair on our fingers or faces or VAGINA ARMS - all for one freaking day.
My philosophy towards healthy living has always been moderation - yes, I should work out, but not to the point I hurt myself. But this also means I’m allowed to eat ice cream and cookies in moderation as well without feeling guilty!
Thanks so, SO much, Miss GB. I’ve been basically away from the internets for a week and this is the first post I read… and it really made me take a deep breath. I think a bunch of people read my board post a couple weeks back about my mom’s email. I’m still trying to remain calm about it, but I’m also in a place (geographically) right now where I have to walk a lot… and I’m realizing how out of shape I am. So I’m taking stock and thinking about that right now.
The truth is, much like any other life issues, these things should be goals not just for our weddings but for our entire lives. If we want to be healthier, it should be for ourselves and our partners - not to look better in The Dress. If we want to get along better with our families, it should be for a lifetime of better relations - not more pleasant picture-taking. And so on. It frustrates me (like turtle, above) when people around me use the wedding as a reference point for weight loss.
Whenever I’ve lost a bit of weight, I *do* feel better about myself, and healthier. So for me, the body hate-a-thon is more BEFORE the weight loss starts, rather than during the process. But I’ve never really gone through long-term weight loss, nor have I kept weight off, so I’m not sure.
For me, the wedding was an impetus for losing 20 lbs and completely reshaping the way I think about food and exercise. It’s funny because now I feel more “myself” than I did when I was carrying the extra weight.
Losing the weight wasn’t about self-hatred but about wanting to be my best for myself and my husband. I will never look like a supermodel. I will always have heavier (I prefer “athletic”) thighs. But I love my body, and now I can do things I never thought I could!
Great post!! I totally agree, and sadly was just thinking this morning that, despite going to a personal trainer for the last month, I’m still a blob. Your post was a good kick in the pants. MsAnge is right, and I hate seeing the beauty timelines in the knot or other magazines. I should have had tons of facials, waxings, hair treatments and other assorted procedures done by now. It’s insane.
I meant to add that I often have to use communal changing rooms when I play in concerts - so the people (well, usually women) I work with are half-or-more-naked in front of each other. They’re CONSTANTLY talking about how fat they are, and their diets, and how they hate their bodies. Since I started changing clothes in other places, and unpacking my stuff away from them, I’ve felt a lot better. I think it’s really important to stay away from the people who feed us so much negativity.
@T: I find it difficult to keep exercise fun. I tend to burn out really fast, so I think I am going to sign up for some classes post-wedding. I think the social aspect will also be good too. After one rainy, dreary winter, I think exercise will also be a good way to cope with the darkness.
@Cyd: Congratulations on getting healthy and keeping a positive attitude!
@turtle: Excellent point!
@Kira: Great attitude. Thanks for sharing
@livvie: I think the message that those magazines are sending is “You’re unattractive. We can help!” Uh, no thanks. Haha.
@Ley, @octoberbee, @Erin, @Gerby, @eliza, @missm, @MsAnge, & @GorgesViola: Thank you for sharing! Let’s ditch the part of the changing room that GorgesViola was talking about where women talk crap about themselves and go on a hike where we can focus on what we appreciate about our bodies.
@Mrs. Lovebug: That sounds like a book I’d like to read. Thanks for the recommendation!
I think its mostly about a reality check. We (and by we I mean America in general (and France but i’ll get to that in a minute)- don’t have a clue if this applies to Canada too) focus on fashion models that weigh so little, most stop menstruating. We watch actresses “gain SOOO much weight” and end up in a size 2! Its unhealthy and forcing women towards both extremes. Either the “you aren’t worthy unless you are THAT skinny” or the “you’ll never be that skinny so why try? Eat all the Ben and Jerry’s you could ever want. So what if you weigh 300lbs?”
On the French thing - I have worked with several French interns and they were SO skinny (as in 00 esq and not an ounce of muscle or fat), yet thought they were fat. One finally gained 10 lbs (now wears a size 1) because her boyfriend told her that sex with her was painful because she was so bony!
I agree with Octoberbee - its about being healthy and thinking healthy, not diets and demented mental pictures of your body.
I think if it is approached from a different angle than “weight loss”, it isn’t something women will beat themselves up over. For example, doing cardio to improve your endurance while having… erm, special times with your new spouse ; ) Yoga to improve flexibility so you can do cartwheels with your niece. Weight training to improve your strength so you can try rock climbing on your honeymoon. A healthier diet to give you more energy so you can enjoy having fun with your partner. All of these common weight-loss activities have other objectives, too. Reach for those and you’ll just happen to lose weight at the same time without focusing on fitting in to skinny jeans.
I actually think this applies to more areas of life then just weight. I’ve noticed a trend amongst a lot of wedding bloggers where they feel the need to first criticize themselves and then write. So if they are posting about trying on wedding dresses they have to write something like “excuse my bad hair/no make-up/bad posture/fat stomach/goofy look” etc. And of course they look great.
Or even non-physical things…so many times people have these amazing DIY projects but first they criticize it and then post a picture.
I’d love for a bride to just be like “here are my DIY invitations and I think they are amazing” or “here I am trying on wedding dresses and I look hot.” Women need to compliment themselves more even if they don’t believe it.
Great post. I’ve been to too many weddings where the brides were so skinny, and it didn’t look good or healthy. I kept thinking I would go on this huge health kick prior to the wedding, but now with it just over 2 months out, and being in the middle of the move, working out and eating healthy have been relegated to the “to do later” list. I try to eat salad once a day, I’ve started really being careful about my soda intake, and I did get into a pretty decent running routine, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get back into that once I join a gym/find my ipod. My dress fitting is in less than a month, and if I don’t lose a pound between now and then, I’m fine with that. I’m trying to be healthy and not deprive myself, and I want to look like myself at the wedding, not like someone who hasn’t eaten in months. Here’s to brides with healthy body images, who are getting in shape for their lives and not for one day!
Your timing is uncanny. This morning I went running for 20 minutes, which is a big. deal. I haven’t run for that long in… 6 years? My office mates are running a 5K next month, and I want to run with them, and I’m going to, and I think I’m very slowly becoming a runner: it’s good, healthy alone time that I need.
But then I got home from this great run and was getting ready for work, and started complaining about my body to the hubs: pointing out things that are too flabby or whatever. He finally said, “what’s your deal? All these body issues just came out of nowhere.” He had a good point: I don’t usually do that.
With this post, I realize that I briefly reverted back to the high school soccer team locker room, where we would do just what you described. Yuck. Thanks for the reality check. All you ladies look great!
GREAT POST!
oops I pressed “Leave a Comment” too soon…
FH and I joined a gym a few months ago to get healthier… mainy I wanted to increase my energy and not get winded running up the stair at my office.
Thanks for posting this b/c lately I’ve lost sight of the reason I joined the gym and got down on myself for not losing weight quicker. So, thanks for the reminder.
@turtle: Turtle, I really struggle with the same perception. I don’t diet, but I AM losing weight, and so my family can be kind of crazy making comments like “You shouldn’t be eating that, you have to be wearing a white dress soon”.
Gingerbread, this was a great post! I had a friend in middle school who constantly made comments like “I’m so fat” “How could anyone ever like me” and I learned right then and there that doing those things, didn’t actually make her feel any better. So I never caught on, and I have to thank her because I feel like she is the person who created the healthy relationship I have with myself.
Accepting what you look like doesn’t have to mean giving up on the idea of improvement.
I always thought middle school girls who were obviously not fat talked about how fat they are so that the slightly chubby girl standing next to her would say, “OMG, are you kidding? I would KILL to have those perfectly, tiny thighs!”
I too have had the “OMG, I’m so fat” friend or two. I find that girls/women who say things like that are really just looking for a reaction. With one friend in particular I got really tired of it, and just started to ignore her whenever the comments came out. It may be harsh, but I just couldn’t play into it anymore. (For the record, I don’t have the best body image either, but I don’t think anyone likes to hear other people complain about their bodies, so I keep my self image to, well, myself.)
This is a great post. I think it should be about appreciating that your fiance fell in love with you as you are- not some dieted down to fit into a certain dress size version of yourself. I know so many of my friends who obsess over losing weight for any big event in their lives- but what is the point? You look beautiful just as you are right now. And the facts are that most people jsut can’t maintain any sort of quick weight loss, so your pictures won’t even look like you in a few years. There are some interesting posts on fat and weddings here:
http://bigliberty.wordpress.com/2008/02/25/fat-wedding-part-4-the-bride-wore-very-little/
Great post. I hate that whole “slagging off your body as female bonding” ritual too.
Great post! You never hear a guy say, “Ugh, I’m so fat today” but listen to girls talk and it’s all you hear. The best advice I ever heard was to talk to yourself like you would anyone else. Would you ever tell your friend she looks fat or her thighs are jiggly? NO! So then why would you tell yourself that?! I have since become a big fan of being nice to myself, just like I would my friends. End of the day: Be nice to yourself and be realistic with your goals!
I completely agree with everything you’ve said! In fact, every time you post I love you more and more.
I find that consciously rejecting self-deprecation is super useful. When I look in the mirror and feel unhappy with what I see, I force myself to say, outloud, that I am beautiful and healthy and sexy. It seems silly, but it works!
Mrs. Gingerbread, Vancouver
Age and Occupation: 32, Psychologist
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Software Engineer
Engagement Date: Sometime in the fall of 2004
Wedding Date: July, 2008
Blogging Since: March 24, 2008
Venue: Rainforest wedding, beachfront restaurant reception
About Me: I recently moved to Canada from Southern California. Trying to plan a wedding in a new city, not to mention a new country, is tough, but the fact that we can get legally married here more than makes up for it! The wedding will be an opportunity for most of our family and friends to see our new city for the first time so it will be both a wedding and a reunion. Besides my future wife, I am also madly in love with a good bargain, Swedish pastries, Tivo, and my two dogs and calico cat (in no particular order).
hey love- funny you post this today because I have been meaning to write about this, too. I don’t have much advice, as I sit here really really sore after pushing myself too hard yesterday. Guess I should’ve not run two miles and lifted weights after not going to the gym in ages. lesson learned - ouch.