Miss Avocado, Seattle
Age and Occupation: 23, Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Consultant
Engagement Date: July 27, 2008
Wedding Date: October, 2008
Blogging Since: June 30, 2008
Venue: LDS Seattle Temple & Hotel 1000
About Me: Somehow this little farm girl found herself a genuine Pole to fall in love and eventually move away to Poland with. I am an LDS bride attempting to plan a private religious ceremony, ring ceremony, seated reception for 100, and an open house while coordinating for guests flying in from across the United States and as far away as Poland. I try to avoid fads, excess waste, and saturated fat. I strongly endorse photography, DDR, calorie counting, rss feeds, cooking, and utilizing your resources.
The Gift Giving Dilemma
July 21st, 2008 @ 5:00 pm by Miss Avocado
Mr. Avocado likes it when I attempt to get excited about finances, so I subscribe to My Money Blog because I can send him links and impress him with my dedication to reading the posts. A few weeks ago, the author wrote a post about how much a wedding gift should cost.
Image via flickr.
He suggested three factors to consider when buying your gift:
- How close are you to the couple?
- How fancy is the wedding?
- What is your financial situation?
Mr. Avocado would say that #3 is the most important factor, and I agree with him. Yes, there are some couples who get a little bit greedy when it comes to gifts, but I think most couples are just genuinely pleased to see their loved ones show their support by coming to the wedding itself. I think that you should take what you can afford, and perhaps invest it in something off of their registry that you think will last.
If you are really stressed about what to buy a couple, you can talk to some of the people in your life who have been married for a long time now. Ask them what wedding gifts they are still using because there are definitely some things that last longer than others.
My personal plan of attack when it comes to gift giving is to buy something fun off the registry, and then take as many pictures as possible at the wedding. The photos won’t be as pretty as what the photographer captures, but I don’t think there was ever a couple that complained about walking away with too many photos of their wedding.
How do you decide what gifts to give a couple for their wedding?
20 Responses to “The Gift Giving Dilemma”
When I was an incredibly poor college student, I offered to design my friends wedding invites as their gift.
Not having been to many weddings, I was kind of shocked that people (including friends in their mid-twenties) got us $100 gifts. For a wedding coming up this summer, I will be photographing one, so that will be our gift (we are actually spending $$$ to rent an extra high end camera).
In Asian cultures, we don’t normally give gifts. When you attend a wedding you give money. If you came to the wedding alone then you give $50. If you went as a couple than you give $100. So basically for every person attending, you give $50/each.
Since I’m the oldest sister, I was obligated to give at least $1,000 to my sister on her wedding day.
I agree that #3 is the most important consideration on how much to spend. I use #1 when I decide what to buy. I typically stick to the registry and pick something in my price range that is easy to wrap and haul to the wedding.
But if it’s a good friend with a sense of humor, I love going off registry and finding something a little wacky. I like knowing that I spiced up the gift-opening, but for easy returns I include the receipt in the card. Actually, I’m surprised by how many people say they were so amused that they kept the gift!
I always wrap my wedding gifts in bright paper - I enjoy seeing them amongst all the white and silver packages 
I’m Russian so all “American norms” of gift giving go out the window. In Russian tradition people usually give money, (although some couples now days do have limited registries for those who are uncomfortable giving money).
Of course people keep in mind their financial situation but money gift tend to be lavish. I recently went to a wedding of my mom’s acquintance’s, (not friend’s), youngest son, (who I’ve never met), and we gave $300, (for the two of us). That’s pretty standard. When it’s a close family member people give in the high hundreds to thousand(s). I guess people see it as an indirect way to set off what it’s costing the couple to throw the wedding.
On the other hand, I recently went to my FI’s friends’ wedding and we gave $100, (they had a very limited registry, implying they wanted monetary gifts). I know that if this was a “Russian wedding” our gift might have seemed “cheap”.
Anyone else have different gift giving norms in their culture?
#3 is a big consideration for us, but mostly out of necessity! Until recently, I was only working p/t while I finished school, so our finances were tight. Now that I’m done school, things are a little better, but we are simply unable to gift even $50 each most of the time.
I try to choose gifts that are meaningful to us as the givers and will be meaningful to the couple, instead of giving beyond our means. A heartfelt gift is always appreciated.
I usually go with #1 first, and then #3. I’ve been to weddings where I have been closer to the couple, and then some where I was invited as a plus one. In cases of the former, I feel more compelled to get a nicer, more thoughtful gift. For the latter, I usually just do a quick scan of the registry and buy a few things that seem useful. I’m out of college now and in a different financial situation than I was when I attended most of these weddings, so if I go to a wedding now, I would probably pony up more money for a gift, but still go with the same criteria I listed before.
My FI and I are really making each and every one of our guest spots count so with the exception of some parental friends, we can truly say that we know and are fond of the guests we’re inviting! My mom wanted us to do away with the registry since we’re still inviting a majority of older, traditional guests (which means, money is the norm), but we don’t necessarily feel comfortable making our friends give money or have them think of gifts themselves. Since they are ranged in age and life circumstances (full time job vs. college vs. taking a break, etc), we’re purposely filling our registry with a solid variety of items at different price points and different levels of fun =). Hopefully it works out!
The last two weddings I’ve been to have been for former teammates of mine and my fiance’s, which made gift giving a snap: a member of the bridal party sent an e-mail to everyone who’d been on the team together to see if we wanted to chip in for a group purchase of a Kitchenaid stand mixer (both brides happened to want one) with a bunch of attachments. So that made it very easy to stay within our financial budget and still get something we knew was very much wanted. Oh, and we didn’t have to actually shop ourselves, always a bonus!
I have always given what our meal costs plus some. That has always been the “norm” around where I live. It usually comes to $100 for a couple. And, if we didn’t have the money, we wouldn’t go.
we tend to give based on how close we are to the couple…even though we are both students, we on average give gifts between $150-200. i just think about my classmates who drink their starbucks everyday, go out to eat for lunch most days, buy $200 shoes, or easily drop $50 at a bar on any given friday and then complain that they are too poor to give a nice wedding gift…well, in my opinion people only get married once [hopefully!] and i want to really be able to get them something that they need/want/would love…even if that means cutting back on my own personal spending. this being said, i think there are plenty of wonderful gifts that do not cost a great deal…it’s just increasingly rare that people choose the *thoughtful* inexpensive gift option.
We usually try to spend between $150-200 for a gift, more if we’re close to the couple. However, in planning my wedding, I’m finding that I’m so touched and grateful that my friends are going through the expense of coming (airfare, hotel, attire, etc,) that I feel bad they also have to bring gifts. I’ve tried to make it a point to stress with friends who I know will especially feel the strain that their attendance means more than any gift.
i just got married and am in the process of writing thank you cards. right after the wedding i made an excel with my husband and logged every gift we received - most of it was monetary (refer back to MsJadey post). this helps us determine what is apropriate to give back when the time comes for their weddings or if they are already married, a holiday gift or birthday. generally speakig when gifting we go with #1 and are lucky that we have finances and only few close friends so number #3 has not had to trump our decision making.
i also agree with nrm41 and MissEsq - I would add that in my culture - weddings are not meant to make the couple go into debt so a monetary gift does need help them stay in the green post wedding so that their lives start off on a good financial base.
I definitely look at how close I am with the couple and my current financial situation to determine what gift I will get. I don’t believe in the philosophy of “paying for my plate”. The couple chose what type/level of wedding they wanted and invited me to be part of their day. I should not represent cash to them. If you really want to re-coop your costs, don’t have a wedding and invest the money!
Very interesting post, Avocado! We’ve been talking about this recently because my parents and I disagree on what is an appropriate amount to spend on a wedding. I thought what Mr. CP and I gave was standard–$150-$200–but my parents feel that $75 to $100 is appropriate and that what Mr. CP and I give is “over the top.” I personally don’t think that being generous can really be “over the top,” but whatevs. I think it might be a generational thing, because my parents can afford it more than Mr. CP and I can. :-/
I’m with you, cay–well stated!
I tend to run to about $75-$100 from me as an individual and with my FI as a couple. However, for family weddings my siblings and I tend to get together and get one larger gift. The two younger girls are financially very strapped so my older brother and I pick up the slack and pay for more of the present. We end up with a great gift from all fo us. We also like to get creative. We will find something small on the registry and incorporate into a theme such as the bowls in ice cream colors that my cousin wanted. She was gaining two young step daughters so we purchased an ice cream maker, long spoons, spinkles/jimmys, ice cream toppings and an ice cream cookbook. They loved it. It was something they could do as a family and it was also somethign that they wouldn’t purchase themselves but would definatly use.
For another cousin my FI and I gave a gift from jsut us. The couple love to travel and cook a lot. I went to a discount book store and bought beautiful cookbooks from countries around the world. (spent about $60 on $200 worth of hardcover cook books) We then added some dish towels from her registry & nice wooden spoons. They use the cookbooks all the time. Some of there now staple recipies come from these books.
I follow two “rules” - How well do we know the couple? What can we afford? I usually buy an item off the registry and send it to the couple ahead of the wedding. Then to the ceremony I like to bring a card and a little extra something. Usually I opt for a Christmas tree ornament to remind the couple of their first holiday season together.
I appreciated the gifts we received which weren’t on our registry. One couple gave us crystal candlesticks. My aunt hunted craft fairs to assemble a basket of holiday decorations. I’m set for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Easter and 4th of July. I would have never thought of that!
I just attended the wedding of a dear childhood friend; it was my first time to be a bridesmaid! My friend emphasized how grateful she was that not only did I purchase the $300+ bridesmaid dress, but I flew from New York to Arizona for her bachelorette weekend, and to Seattle for the actual wedding. She follows the modern notion that the gift is the effort your guests made to attend the event.
Still, I really wanted to get her something special and tangible as a gift, but considering that my fiance’ is out of work and I already spent nearly $2000 on her wedding peripherals, I couldn’t justify spending a lot, nor could I find something suitable! I ended up purchasing a nice decorative ceramic box, and filling it with good luck wedding tokens (orange blossom lotion, in place of orange blossoms; a knotted satin ribbon (supposedly to tie to your bouquet and “catch love”); a penny for her shoe; cat nip, since you are supposed to feed your cats on your wedding day; and also a set of bluebird delft salt and pepper shakers, since bludebirds were a running wedding theme). It was inexpensive but fun and heartfelt, and led to some fun conversation as we readied ourselves on the big day!
In the New York area, its definitely custom to bring money to the wedding and is generally an unspoken rule that registry items are for the shower. We always bring money and as a couple we give a minimum of $200 depending on how close we are to the couple. While some people may not believe in the “pay for your plate” theory, the reality is that many couples pay for their own weddings and hope, if not rely upon, recouping some of the cost through wedding gifts. Not to mention that people are getting married later in life now and often have many of the “staples” for their homes. If you are uncomfortable with a monetary gift, I think you should stick to the registry. That way, you know the couple is receiving something they want.
I agree with Kate. Being from NYC, we give $200 as a couple. registry items are for the shower
@Miss Cookie: I think that all of us brides attest how much friends and family members time and talent contributions really mean. I would much rather have someone help me with stressful wedding tasks then give me $50!
@MsJadey: $1000?!??! Don’t tell my sister that, she might get kind of excited.
@Erin: Receipt with the card! I wish I had added that as rule #4.
@MissEsq: This comment was so interesting! I am absolutely fascinated by other cultures and their customs, particularly relating to weddings.
@cay: Great point cay.@swp02138: I 100% agree with you. My wedding is small enough that it really does consist of the people who matter most to me, and I’ll just be so happy to have them there. It sounds so corny when you type it, but it’s really true.
@TBerry: I don’t think couples want every gift to be off the registry, but it sounds like you are putting real thought into your gifts.
@Kristin: Very interesting concept Kristin, I might look into doing something like this in the future.
