A Letter to Our Printer
July 30th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm by Mrs. Shortcake
Dear Mr. Shortcake’s Printer,
This is a letter to inform you that you are now officially the most reviled inanimate object on the face of the earth. The fact that no one else has even met you makes no difference, as I hate you enough for six-point-something billion people combined.
I don’t care if you’re old. I don’t care if you can print Mr. Shortcake’s thesis paper with ease. I want you to print our gee-darned invitations with ease! I have gone through eight different designs just to try to appease you and your un-reliably-inking ways. I am now preparing to hand calligraph seventy six invitations, reception cards, rsvp cards, and map inserts because YOU CAN’T GET YOUR EFFING CARTRIDGES TOGETHER. I can’t even get you to print thequickbrownfoxjumpedoverthegeedarnedmummyhuggingfence the same way twice!
If payday weren’t so far away, and our invitation mailing deadline tomorrow, I would happily purchase another printer and throw you out of the office window. But then again, violence solves everything.
Hold onto your ribbons, printer. It’s going to be a long drop.
Sincerely,
your arch nemesis,
Miss Shortcake
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35 Responses to “A Letter to Our Printer”
Miss Shortcake!
for $150 you can get a GREAT and reliable printer. I know pay day is far away, but it might be worth the 15% credit card interest! Consider, baby! 
I sometimes find that a good swift kick to non working electronics can help in a situation like this.
@ae: you’d think so…but Ryan gave it a big smack in a moment of frustration, and since then all it does is print parts of images - at best!
Is your sanity worth a trip to Kinko’s to print there?
this reminds me of “office space” where they take the bat to the printer.
@marianneinvan: We bought our paper precut *smacks forehead against keyboard* and kinkos won’t print anything smaller that 8.5 x 11″ 
Is that picture your actual printer? If so, is it an HP PSC 2110? That’s what I used to print most of our wedding related assorted paper crap, and I have a few tricks up my sleeve, after finally beating it to death, that I’d be happy to pass along, if you need them. Let me know…
I have no solutions for you. Only sympathy……
That just might the funniest post I’ve read in quite a while. And be it a printer, scanner, finicky program, or PDA, I am sure we have all shared those same thoughts from time to time. We empathize.
Awww Shortcake - I’m so sorry your printer is being a biotch!
Do you possible have a friend that would let you use their printer?
@Miss Shortcake: Ah-ha! I wouldn’t call mine a spawn of Satan… I have to admit that most of the time, I’ve been happy with it. But it has had problems, at times. First off, I’d suggest uninstalling and reinstalling all of the drivers on your computer — that’s solved a lot of the problems I’ve had in the past. What have you tried doing so far? If you let me know exactly what problems you are having, I can help you troubleshoot a bit better. I’ve just learned that whatever you think is the most obviously solution is NEVER the correct approach when dealing with the PSC 2110, so once I learned how to approach each situation, the printer and I got along much better.
HAHA, that’s hilarious. to all of us, i’m sure it’s not to you. good luck!
Ok, if it will save your sanity, it might be worth it to run out to Best Buy. We bought a $30 printer/scanner/copier there by Lexmark. With ink, it should be under $100. Ours (and my mother’s, which is the same) ran reliably and printed color reliably for a year, then my mother’s abruptly stopped working (ours is still going strong). I know that is no glowing review, but the amount of printing should be AT LEAST WORTH yours for your invitations, but was probably much more printing than you will be doing. Other than that, I sympathize - printer/computer trouble is the WORST
Shortcake,
I am a graphic designer. If your cards are 8.5 x5.5, you can put them together on an 8.5×11 and print them at kinkos. The paper will just need to be cut in two to get your two invites apart, that is! I am more than happy to help you with this if you would like. Just send me a message.
Those moments can be so frustrating!!
-Laura
Bah! My heart goes out to you!! Good luck with the spawn…
Hiiilarious Shortie!
As for printing at Kinko’s, I will warn you, printing can get REEEEAAALLLYY pricey if it’s in color. However, if you combine pieces on one sheet, they’ll cut them out for you with their precision cutter - which is nice and saves lots of time.
LOVE the teeth! haha
i love the mock up picture of your printer. lol. i’m sorry it’s being such a punk. if only you could “office space” it after the wedding.
Miss Shortcake,
Poor thing- that printer just couldn’t get with the program…. ;o) *Great post*! I have my own school issues with the printer and have now come to know every night shift employee @fedex kinko’s who are willing to lend a hand. Too bad you aren’t in the area- I could hook you up with problem solving printer experts. In the meantime, I will pray to the mighty printer Gods to bestow kindness onto you in your upcoming deadlines. Breathe deep!
@Tea: haha I love that scene from Office Space. I propose that too- with video
Okay, I usually wouldn’t suggest such unscroupulous (sp?) method, but my printer almost drove me to do this, so I’m passing it along: Go to Best Buy (or some other such), buy a printer, and new cartridges. Take it home, take out the cartridges that come with it. Put yours in. Print your weddingish. Swap the cartridges out for the originals. Repack. Take back to the store. When asked what was wrong with it say in your best I’m-a-chick-I-don’t-know-about-these-things voice “I’m not sure it just wouldn’t connect with my computer, when I hit print it kept turning itself off. I don’t need to exchange it though because my friend is giving me their old one.”
Ooooo, I’m soooo bad. I was an honest girl before wedding planning!
so “office space” … love it
I love the shark’s teeth too! It makes me want to add that to my vile printer too!
I’m not sure if this will help or if you have already tried this..but did you try setting the print settings for thicker paper? Therefore it will print slower and not drag the ink? I hope that might help, if not I hope you were able to either get a new printer or get some help at kinkos. Good luck =) I love the shark teeth on your printer 
@pailoflove: thanks! I’m thinking about adding them to my dvd player as well….:)
That would be a good wedding memory! You should do it and laugh back at it later. It might be neat to see several years from now how “ancient” the printers look.
I had to hold back from throwing my Mom’s HP printer out the window. I wasted so many envelopes when I was getting my save the dates in order because of that printer! What made me more mad is the printer had NO problem printing the wedding programs I designed for FSIL on cardstock but kept jamming when I wanted to print my own invites. I got a Canon photo printer and it’s been great so far.
I would purchase a new printer and pay it off when pay day is here or ask a friend if they can help you out.
[...] emptied our emergency fund and bought a new printer. In the end, Mr. Shortcake wouldn’t let me drop his old printer out of the window, or even give it a few gentle taps with a baseball bat a la Office Space, claiming that he wanted [...]
[...] Whew! With only a few weeks to go, things have been uber-busy in the Pomegranate residence! I’ve been working on finishing up a few big projects - namely our CD favors - and I’m rather excited to show them to you. Our Jewelboxing kit definitely made a complicated project much less difficult to complete - but I must warn you, before you take on creating 150 of these puppies, I will say it’s not for the faint of heart. Let’s just say I could really empathize with Miss Shortcake and her Letter to the Printer. [...]
Mrs. Shortcake, Vancouver
Age and Occupation: 24, Marketing Manager/Children's Lit Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Master's Student/Personal Trainer
Engagement Date: August 7, 2007
Wedding Date: October 2008
Blogging Since:
Venue: Ceremony in a historic church, tented lawn reception at a golf and country club
About Me: 1950's housewife sent to the future, reborn as crafting-obsessed, jill of all trades. I enjoy decorating, writing, baking sweet things, singing show tunes/dancing in public, wearing pearls, and knitting sweaters for my furbaby, Harvey, to chew upon. I heart pink, and believe that sparkles are the new black.
phew. glad you got that outta ya.
Deep breaths, Shortcake…we’re here if you need us.