Weddingbee Blog

We sent out our invitations dangerously close to the July 30 RSVP date, so we’re giving our guests—and the Postal Service—a little extra time to respond. Over the last week we’ve been watching our RSVPs roll in (or not, in the case of some pesky procrastinators), a few at a time, day by day, and we’ve noticed a disappointing trend.

I knew that when we started planning a destination wedding in Montana, we would forfeit the attendance of some much-loved guests. Many of the East Coast relatives on Mr. Cherry Pie’s dad’s side of the family have a history with Glacier and money to spare, so we expect to see most of them there. However, Polebridge seems like the end of the world to most of my Michigan relatives, which makes it just as remote as the dark side of the moon.

As a result, we’ve so far received about 24 “yes” responses from Mr. CP’s dad’s side (including 6 relatives neither of us have ever met), 8 “yes” responses from Mr. CP’s mom’s side… and only six total “yes” responses from both sides of my family.

This six includes my mom, dad, three sisters, and one aunt.

Ouch.

I don’t want to play the numbers game, but it’s hard not to. I thought maybe half of the invitees in my extended family would RSVP “declined,” not all but one.

I’ve known for quite some time that my grandparents on my mom’s side probably wouldn’t be able to attend due to health concerns. It has been tough dealing with the thought of not having there on our wedding day. But my grandparents on my dad’s side have had their reservations since May. To hear from them recently that they, too, have had to cancel due to health concerns is heartbreaking.

As expected, it’s the current economic recession, not health, that is keeping everyone else from attending. Airfare, gas prices, hotel costs, and meals make our wedding an expensive trip. I am understanding of everyone’s very legitimate reasons for declining, but it won’t make it any easier to look out at our guests on my wedding day and feel the void of my missing family.

Their absence has hit me a lot harder than I expected. Every “declined” response from family means one less familiar face I might not see again for years and one less family photo I’ll have as an heirloom. It leaves me wishing more and more that my family were the type for regular reunions.

I spent much of last Thursday and Friday feeling really down in the dumps about everything. First I was sad, then I was spiteful, then I was just plain depressed and frustrated.

I’ve been putting so much effort into making this a truly memorable experience for everyone, particularly those who have not visited Montana before. We chose Glacier/Polebridge as our venue for its pivotal significance to us and for its breathtaking beauty. We also tried to make every effort to convey those things to our invitees. I had hoped that everyone understood we were planning our wedding with their experience in mind.

And, of course, underneath my emotionality, I realize that where money or health is concerned, rational decisions are a large priority over my daydreams of a “perfect” day.

Despite my disappointment, I am trying to count my blessings. I am thankful that my family is supportive of my wedding to Mr. Cherry Pie, and that none of them are withholding their presence due to dissent.

I am glad that Mr. CP’s family will be in such high attendance because I love them dearly and have spent a lot of time with them at family events over the years. (Even his 93-year-old grandpa with a glass eye and pig’s heart valve will be there!)

Finally, I am very grateful that we will be joined in Polebridge by more than forty of our closest friends. To have them there on our wedding day means the world to me.

Certainly, there is something to be said about the intimacy of a small wedding and reception. (Our guest list is about 20 less than our initial projection.) But nothing can replace the presence of family at a truly important life occasion such as this.

It’s a small success that today I don’t feel nearly as blue as I did last week, but I am still struggling to feel excited about our wedding again with the knowledge that most of my family will be absent. I’ll honor them with our photo line, but a paper stand-in can’t beat a real person.

Have any of you dealt with this? Do you have any suggestions on how to incorporate my absent family into our wedding, to make them participants despite their absence, and to cope with the void that I’m still feeling?