Wedding Blog
Wow. In our circles we do not have any friends our age who are married (or getting there) and do not want children. Imagine my surprise to find so many of you who were able to relate to my post yesterday!
You guys came up with fantastic and hilarious ways to combat negative comments regarding the childfree life we’re choosing. I must say that while it’s hard to embrace those comments, they don’t actually hurt our feelings too much since they usually stem from good intentions, with fear that we may miss out on the kiddie goodness. We know that it is unimaginable to some, and we try to be understanding about it.
What is rough, is how our decision affects all the stakeholders. Us not being parents = our parents not being grandparents = our brothers not being uncles = our nieces and nephew not being cousins. Of course we understand we must base our decision on what is best for us and the life we would/would not bring into this world, but no matter how many great reasons we have, choosing to remain childfree is not as easy as it may seem!
The other day my sweet future nephew was giggling about us having a baby after the wedding (8 year olds find the subject hilarious), and I had to explain to him that we are not planning to have one. He looked up at me with those puppy eyes and said “but aunt GT, then I wouldn’t have a baby cousin!”
A straight shot of guilt went from the hand I had on his shoulder directly to my heart and pierced it.
He would make a wonderful older cousin, as would all his siblings. His grandparents would be as great to our kids as they are to them. The mister, without a doubt, would absolutely be the most fantastic father on this planet. And I feel like I have deprived them of it all.
I wish oh so very desperately that I longed for kids of my own. While I can’t help with the family associated guilt, I do at least take comfort in knowing that we are making the best decision for us, and in turn for our families. Maybe by some miracle one day my biological alarm will start blasting out of nowhere, but we’re not counting on it, and we are prepared to live our lives to their fullest without children.
Now, dare I ask, can any of you relate to this kind of guilt? Do you feel bullied into the baby making corner?
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Share this post: Child Free, Not Guilt Free
I respect people’s decision to have no children. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and everyone shouldn’t WANT to.
I should say, however, that I suspect your feelings will change someday! I have known many acouple who did a complete 180 on this topic.
On the flipside, my set of aunts and uncles who didn’t have kids had all that much more energy/ time to be like my second set of parents while I was growing up. A couple who doesn’t have kids still adds SO much to the extended family — there’s no guilt in that!
I just want the chance to have one… if I could knock out two at the same time, all the better.
all I want to say is that if one day your feelings DO do a 180…don’t do something silly like not have one just because you are stubborn.
That’s the thing about life…it doesn’t come with easy decisions that last forever 
I think that people who MAKE the decision NOT to have children, would often make the best parents just because they’ve thought it through, so many just do it because “it’s what you do” and don’t think about how truly BIG a deal it is to raise a little person. I think your decision is great, and I think it’s great you actually took the time to think it through and discuss with mr. GT. =)
HAHAHA.
I’m a parent. I feel guilty ALL THE TIME.
-that I’m working
-that I’m tired
-that I can’t give her all the lessons and stuff she wants……it just goes on.
I just think guilt is part of life 
You just have to do the best you can with what you have
Careful being on putting yourself on that limb all by your lonesome. You AND Mr ST made the decision together… of all the guilt people may instill in you, don’t go adding him to the mix. If that thought manages to stick in your pretty head, it can grow to resentment. I’m just tossing out a caution for ya.
My eldest brother and sister in law have chosen to be kid free, and now a good 10+ years of marriage in, they still get comments and they still bug my sister-in-law to hear them sometimes. Apparently its a long road of explanations.
Seriously - this was not supposed to be an ominous downer post. Sorry!!!
I appreciate your honesty as I am unsure of where I fall on the wanting children spectrum. My FI does, so I suspect that some day I may. Only time will tell, and I am prepared either way…
My mom had a great reply when I asked her about whether she was bummed about not having grandchildren:
“If you had children, I would love them, but I couldn’t love them any more than I love YOU and so I want you to live the life you want to live and that will make me happy. “
I am frankly a little horrified by the pressure I see some mothers putting on their married children for “grandbabies.” Like someone said upthread, it’s SUCH an important decision and SUCH a hard job– no one should be pushing someone else into procreating. To me, that’s like telling someone to take up bungie-jumping… “It’s fun, it’s scary, you’ll LOVE it!”
Um… no thanks. If you’ve got the urge to jump, by all means do, but please don’t judge my choice to stay on terra firma.
I intend to make by contribution to the betterment of mankind by being a great alterna-parent to my 3 godchildren.
@beanchar: “It’s fun, it’s scary, you’ll LOVE it!” lmao. i’m jealous of you, my mohter is in total denial and talks of being a grandma all the time.
I know it gets quoted a lot but I think Shakespear said it best in Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.”
I think people change either way. For more than a decade I was convinced I wanted children. I Yearned for children. But now, I am not so sure I want them. I like my life and a baby just limits you in a lot of ways. I mean, I know they add a lot too, but it really does change your life for Ever and I’m not so sure I want it changed.
You have to honor yourself. If you don’t want to have children, then you know in your heart you shouldn’t.
You have a brother. Your mom can hound him instead.
Actually I applaud your decision, and as for those not in agreement with you well, too bad. It’s your life and your decision. I always tell people, if they want me to have children, fine, have them for me and take care of it. Other than that, MYOB.
I, like you, knew as a teenager, I did not want children. And when I was proposed to the first time, it was too much for him to bare. And he rescinded, which was fine. As for my current fiancee, I told him prior to us making the decision to get married. He “fully embraced” our decision not to have children. We will be very happy with OPB’s.
ErinMarieMack (and others in your boat) - It is very important that you and your FI agree about wanting children (or not wanting children) BEFORE you get married. If one person KNOWS they want kids and the other is UNSURE - that is a recipe for disaster. What if the unsure person turns into a NO KIDS person - and they are now married to the same FI who wanted kids all along. My FI said two years ago (before he was an FI) that he was unsure if he wants kids - I told him that I 100% want kids and that I know I will not change my mind and that I only want to marry someone who 100% wants kids. After a few years of really thinking about it he decided he did want kids, but not until he was actually EXCITED about having kids did he propose. These posts have been illustrating that people don’t change their minds. People who like me that 100% want kids - we won’t change our mind, just like people like Ms. GT who don’t shouldn’t be expected to change their mind. So this is a conversation that MUST be had before marriage because if you aren’t on the same page now, you won’t be on the same page 3 years from now.
my grandmother is giving us all of her silver and her parent’s silver as a wedding present - and while i’m insanely thankful and humbled by such a meaningful present, i thought to myself “now i HAVE to have children. who am i going to be able to give this amazing family history to” - i totally understand
I often joke with FI that i will not give him children because I’m too selfish to be a mother. I want to take care of me (us) first. Parents always say they want to give their children everything they couldn’t have…well, I want to have everything I couldn’t have too. So I want to do that first, and if it takes a lifetime…so be it…I joke.
You should get the book “The B*tch in the House.” It’s available in paperback on Amazon. It is a collection of really good essays by all kinds of women - women with kids who work, women who gave up their careers to have kids, women who don’t have kids. What you realize reading these essays is that Ariel is right - it doesn’t matter what decision you make, you’re probably not normal if you don’t have some guilt about it.
i can totally relate to you, miss green tea! i don’t know anyone around me, married or not, male of female, who doesn’t want to have children. i don’t want to say i am certain that i don’t want to have kids, but i’m afraid part of my uncertainty lies in the same guilt you feel. sometimes i feel the pressure to have them from other people telling me what i’m sure you’ve already heard… you’ll regret it, that’s just the natural course in life, etc etc. my husband and i always go back and forth about having children and there are many reasons. i just feel lost and confused about the whole thing and i worry all the time that if i don’t have kids, i really will regret it. :T
thank you so much for writing on this topic!
I have to post on this one because I think it is so important for there to be people in this world NOT having children. The reason that people don’t understand not having kids is because especially for women, there is a time where your body actually tells you you have to. It is just what we do because if we didn’t, our species would die out. All animals have that. If you remove that part or see it for what it really is, then it makes it easier for us to see where we as a society have maybe taken that and blown it way out of proportion. I have two kids and I was never going to have any. I love them both beyond what I ever thought was possible, but having said that, it most certainly isn’t for everyone. My sister didn’t want kids until she saw me have them and realized that she wasn’t getting any younger and that she should maybe do it before she was “too old” to start. She got a dog instead. We had a big chat and I told her that not only was she my saving grace for the days that I really can’t hack putting out the energy for two boys, either mentally, or physically, but also that she just really likes living life for herself and there isn’t really room in her and her man’s life for kids. It is so hard to explain to people how much of a commitment it is and you can’t have the baby. then “get it” and go back. It isn’t so much the physical energy, although there are days where you wonder what made you think you could do it… but we are amazing creatures and can endure quite a bit before breaking. What nobody can explain to you is the emotional exhaustion. I will never again have a day where I will not be putting somebody else first. Remember the first time somebody said they didn’t want to play with you? Well take that hurt and multiply it by 1000 and then add it to your list of daily worries. And then multiply that by how many children you have. I say x1000 because I am trying to illustrate how it is to have three people in your head instead of just one. Never mind how it escalates when they are sick, or there is actually something wrong. It IS the best thing to ever happen to me, but if it were possible to put what I know now into what you know now, you would not feel guilty, you would feel relieved. The decision to have children is each persons alone. The world has too many people as it is, and our bizarre concept of “it’s a woman’s job” to have kids, isn’t doing us any favors. It is a concept that is out of date and if anything you should be seen as an example of a person who is simply strong enough to be true to herself. You will make a fabulous aunt!
I applaud you!
I think it’s wrong for a couple to decide to have a child if both individuals don’t truly want a child. That has an affect on how you raise a child and it’s selfish. A child doesn’t ask to be born and should feel wanted and loved by both parents.
It’s very UNselfish of you not to do that to a child. If you and your FH change your mind, that’s one thing. But I’ve seen a parental situation where I knew she didn’t want to have kids during her first marriage, then she had 2 during her second marriage, and she’s very selfish. She never brings supplies and snacks for the kids, she bums it off people, she chooses cheap day care so she can afford liposuction instead of making sure her kids are safe, the kids are outside when they’re sick, she makes her kids diet (when they’re not fat! kids shouldn’t know about dieting, they should know about eating healthy), and she lets her kids run around like wild animals, it’s sad!
For years people would ask when now FI and are going to get married. At first, it was laughable, we weren’t ready. Then it became extreme pressure…i got it from everyone; family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances.
So after that, I decided I would never ask anyone when they were going to move in together, get married, have kids, have another kid, etc.
I know people never meant harm, but it did harm. It hurt, it made me think I need to have a timeline.
If people want to be forthcoming with information, they will. Whether it is single, married, divorced, childless, 8 kids or anything else…what I can offer is support for their decisions, not judgment.
In your post yesterday I mentioned that my sister doesn’t want to have children - part of me is so sad b/c I’ll never be an Aunt 
I’m pretty sure my FSIL will have children, but its not the same. That being said I would NEVER want her to have children just so I could be an Aunt.
It’s funny that people who choose not to have children are considered selfish, and yet people like your family who try to pressure someone who doesn’t want kids into having them so that they can enjoy the benefits - are not considered selfish.
Next time one of your family members puts the pressure on you and tries to make you feel guilty, remind them that there are plenty of children out there who need adopting - or who need foster parents. If they want more babies in their life, they can feel free to adopt some.
[...] were her only hope of giving her that official mother-of-the-groom experience. I admit that I was guilt ridden, and neither da hubs nor I could deprive them of yet another very important thing we’re capable [...]
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Mrs. Green Tea, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 30, Tea Analyst
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Coffee Critic
Engagement Date: November 17, 2006
Wedding Date: August 23, 2008
Blogging Since: June 10, 2008
Venue: Vineyard on the Delta
About Me: I'm just your average obsessive compulsive, arts & crafts loving, funky-on-the-inside/boring-on-the-outside girl, who dares to say 'Hey! I can make that!' Nerdy professional by day, goofy won-ton by night. The won-ton sometimes comes out during the day when I'm fed the dollar breakfast at Ikea. Since our engagement, wedding planning has put me on high alert for bargains and I've been pushing my nimble fingers through callous building experiments!
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