Weddingbee

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While being from Pakistani-Muslim culture has its own unique benefits (ie. amazing food, outlandish music), culture and religion tend to impose a great hold on the way we are to celebrate getting married. I present the complexities of my culture:

1. Engagement

Something as simple as an engagement even demands a great deal of attention to cultural and religious factors.

For example, while Pakistani culture has the idea of an arranged engagement (mangni) where parents get together and arrange for their children to get married, Muslims don’t really believe in this. So it’s basically, ‘let’s barter our kids… my daughter and 2 goats for your son’ (totally kidding…kind of). In a way you fall in love after marriage. Weird right? So the whole idea of getting on one knee is not the ‘right way’ to do it based on the Pakistani/Muslim idea of ‘normalcy.’ Hmm… it doesn’t mean I’m not up for it. Plus my emotional lil’ Ms. Mango would have a fit if we negotiated our future with our parents without getting down on one knee.

2. The Events

a) Mangni

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A mangni is an official announcement of the engagement. It is usually more of a private event, in which immediate family all gets together and celebrates the future union of the two kiddos. There is usually an exchange of rings and everyone feeds the kids cultural sweets. A quick note, this is a Pakistani event, which really isn’t recognized in Islamic tradition. Nonetheless, it is quite popular among us Tandoori Chicken consumers.

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Usual Venue: Home of either the future bride or groom, usually the future bride

Descriptive Tags: casual, yet intimate

Food served: Usually a small catered dinner

b) Mayoun

To my understanding, a mayoun is kind of the kick-off event to the couple weeks/month before the marriage. This event is basically where they begin putting henna on the bride’s hands. In addition, family friends may come over and offer their blessings as well as their help in preparing for the wedding. There is also some singing of traditional songs and the women play a special drum, called a dholak. This event is at the bride’s home and usually only for the bride’s side of the family. In a way, it’s kind of like a bridal shower.

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Usual Venue: Bride’s home

Descriptive Tags: singing, henna, and food

Food Served: sweets and dinner

c) Dholki

The dholki is another gathering that is usually at the bride’s home (starting to see why our culture puts a great burden on the wallet of the bridal party?), which is basically an event filled with music, food, and sweets. Think of it as the mayoun, but with more people and closer to the wedding. This is usually restricted to the women of the bridal party, of all ages. This is usually the weekend before the wedding.

d) Mehndi

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The Mehndi is the big honcho of the festive events before the wedding. Mehndi literally is the henna that is applied to the bride’s hands, which symbolizes her official bride status. There’s tons of food, coordinated dances from the friends of the bride and groom, application of henna to the bride, and feeding sweets to the future bride/groom. This is usually the day before the wedding or a couple of days before. Traditionally, the guy’s side and girl’s side have separate events with their own side of friends of family. However, possibly due to cost or maybe just to amp up the fun, they have been combining the two as of late. Unlike the dholki or mayoun, there is a ton of decorating and it’s usually done in big venues like hotel banquet halls or outside in lavishly done up tents.

Venue: Hotel Banquet Hall or Home

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Descriptive Tags: food, fun, dancing, music, henna

e) Nikkah

The Nikkah is the official religious ceremony that sets the marriage in stone. Basically the groom, bride, their respective families, and a few select friends meet with an Imam (Islamic clergyman), in which they sign a religious contract in the presence of witnesses. The whole process is kind of neat because you talk about the rights of a man to a woman and vice versa. Additionally, they also ask the bride whether this is a choice she is willingly making or whether it’s out of compulsion. This event usually doesn’t have any crazy fanfare and most always has no singing or dancing, because it’s a religious ceremony. In some cases, the men and women are completely separated and there is kind of a messenger that runs between the two sides. So you can imagine someone running back and forth saying “SHE ACCEPTS THE MARRIAGE!” Then a bunch of rejoicing and hugging follows (we are probably one of the hugging-est people that I know). OK, so once this event is over, you’re officially married. This event usually transpires the day of the ’shaadi.’ Although, a lot of people are beginning to combine this with the mehndi, usually right after the mehndi.

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Venue: Islamic Mosque, Home or Hotel

Descriptive Tags: religious ceremony, contract

f) Shaadi

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So this would be what many would consider a wedding ceremony. The Shaadi is basically a very elaborate ceremony that the bridal party hosts. Most of the guests are usually from the bride’s side. Like most weddings, they are expected to arrive early and welcome the ‘bharaat,’ which is the groom’s party. Basically, everyone waits for the groom, his family, and his close friends to usher him into the venue. The bhaarat is greeted by the bride’s mother and father by draping them with garlands, feeding them with sweets and throwing a bunch of flowers everywhere. So then everyone, including the groom’s side, awaits the arrival of the bride. The bride is dressed in ornate clothing and is brought in by her immediate family. The bride and groom are then joined at the stage, where they remain seated for the remainder of the evening.

Usually there is a dinner immediately after the bride is brought in. The night usually ends with some dancing and possibly a cake cutting. All in all, it is basically a very cultural and fun wedding reception. At the end of the night, there is a ritual where the immediate family of the bride formally gives their daughter’s hand to the groom’s family, to symbolize the loss of a daughter from their home and a gain of a daughter to the groom’s family. It’s called the ‘rhuksati’ and it’s really quite emotional. The bride, groom, and groom’s family then leave the event and the next time the bride’s family sees their daughter, it will be as the wife and new daughter of the groom’s family.

Venue: Usually a hotel banquet hall

Descriptive Tags: chic event celebrating the marriage

g) Valima

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This is the last of the cultural events related to marriage. The valima is basically the first event hosted by groom’s side of the family in honor of the new couple. So, the Shaadi is the event that celebrates the union of a daughter and the groom, whereas the valima is the hosting of an event by the new couple. This time, the guests of honor are the bride’s side of the family and they are welcomed by the bride and groom. Kind of neat, no? The night is basically a fancy dinner followed by some dancing. If the bride and groom’s family are from different geographical locations, the shaadi is in the bride’s hometown, and the valima is in the groom’s.

Venue: Hotel Banquet Hall

Descriptive Tags: First event hosted by new couple

All in all, quite a laborious, yet rewarding process, celebrating one of the most beautiful rites of passage in our culture!

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