Wedding Blog
As our invites have now gone out, and our final guest count is about 100 people larger then what we were aiming for, a concern came up between both sides of our family. In Mr. H’s Hispanic culture, it is not unlikely for invited guests to bring along uninvited friends with them to the reception. At Hispanic parties, the more, the merrier.
Unfortunately, we will not be able to afford for this at our wedding, and the room for the reception is already nearing its max capacity. And although the invitation stated an “Adult Reception,” Mr. H’s mom is still worried that her family will not understand this and they will show up with their children.
After MUCH discussion (heated, at times), Mr. H decided that it would be best for us to send out an individual card to our guests in order to clarify that we unfortunately only have room for invited guests. He also wanted to be sure that the note was in both Spanish and English, so this is what we came up with last night:
English: We are looking forward to
celebrating our wedding with you
on September 27, 2008!
To be sure that there is no
confusion, we ask that you please
do not bring children or any
guests that were not listed on the
invitations to the reception. Due
to limited seating, attendees with
children and uninvited guests will
be asked to leave at the door.
We appreciate all of your
cooperation and can’t wait to see
you next month!
Spanish:¡Esperamos celebrando nuestra boda con
usted en el 27 de septiembre de 2008!
Para estar seguro que no hay
confusión, nosotros requerimos que haga
el favor de no traer niños y ningúna otra
persona que no fuera enlistados en las
invitaciones a la recepción. Debido a
asientos limitados, los asistentes con
Niños y personas no convidados serán
permitidas en el salon.
¡Apreciamos toda su cooperación y
esperamos su presencia para verle el mes
próximo!
Mr. H’s mom decided how the Spanish version would be worded after I came up with the English side. I was super hesitant to send these out, but Mr. H and his mom feel that this would be one further precaution we could take to curb any uninvited guests showing up for the wedding.
Have any of you had to worry about uninvited guests attending your wedding? How did you keep things from getting out of control?
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Share this post: Cultural Differences
It seems like people might take these the wrong way? Mr. H probably knows his family best, but wouldn’t a personal phone call from him or his mom be better?
Is there maybe a gentler way to say “asked to leave at the door”? How about “not permitted entrance to the venue”?
I totally get why you need to do this (and I’m sure it will save you some unnecessary headache on the day of the wedding) - just thinking there might be a softer/gentler way to word it.
Good luck! This is a tough one - but sounds like it has to be done.
Wow… the wording “asked to leave at the door!?” sounds really harsh… maybe you could leave that part out… Ive you’ve already sent them out I wouldn’t stress but if not I’d seriously re-consider re-wording that part
How about “attendees with children and uninvited guests cannot be accommodated”?
I totally understand your position, too. I don’t want a repeat of my parents’ wedding (200 invited, and approx. 425 showed up!)
I think you know your situation best and if people are not willing to take the hint then I think this is your best option.
I’ll def think about re-wording the English invite - it’s ultimately up to him! I originally wanted them to call their relatives, but he and his mom still thought this wouldn’t help as much. I feel pretty tacky sending them out at all 
Chinese wedding banquets are also big, raucous, usually RSVP-less affairs, so I empathize with your concern. I wonder, though, if there’s a softer way of saying this? Something short and sweet like “Unfortunately, because of space constraints, we regret that we are unable to accommodate children and uninvited guests.”
First, I don’t envy you in this situation. I am sure it was heartbreaking to everyone involved to have to create something like this.
I think that as American brides, we can often be a bit etiquette obsessed. This is a situation that most of us are not familiar with, so I think that Mr. H and his mom probably know what is best when addressing this cultural difference. It seems to me that they feel you need to be very direct with your Hispanic guests, or they will not get the message.
Great job on the additional card.
i agree with cassoftroy’s opinion when she said that miss hydrangea knows her situation best. combine that with that her FMIL was in charge of the wording, i think they did everything they did to make sure their point got across tactfully but clearly. seeing as how she was hesitant about the wording to begin with and, i believe, has already sent these out, being less critical of the word choice really would be more supportive in this case.
My husband’s family is also hispanic and they definately took this “more the merrier” route too, inviting the uninvited at the last minute, verbally. You know your guest list best, but I agree that this may be best handled through a firm, but polite, phone call. Probably by you or your fiance so the message doesn’t get confused or watered down. my husband’s side of the family completely disregarded all written, formal communications.
“Debido a
asientos limitados, los asistentes con
Niños y personas no convidados serán
permitidas en el salon.”
Aren’t you missing.. NO seran permitidas…I’m not sure what “no convidados” mean…I speak and write spanish but still doesn’t make sense to me. I know that spanish varies from country to country so …sorry if the negative is already there. Just checkin’.
P.S. Yes, I limited my mom’s guest list…she has lots of Hispanic friends and I saw that coming a mile away…it always happens.
Good luck Miss H.
I agree with endb, would it be better for your fiance’s mom to speak to the family instead of being asked to leave at the door? My fiance and I are both Mexican and for those couple of people that might think they can bring uninvited guests…we’re just having another family member speak to them.
Sorry for the triple post but:
“Esperamos CELEBRAR nuestra boda…”
reads better to me. JMO
@V: Good catch! I’ll have to check with Mr. H on the rest of your suggestion because I have no clue (they tend to use a lot of slang).
i think its a good idea. I have the same issues and have been telling this tp people in person.I like your format.. it is a classy way to alert folks that this is not your traditional hispanic free for all party…
I do have a non-snarky constructive criticism. I think the spanish needs a bit of editing since it goes against your intent. the last lines actually say:
Attendees with children and persons not invited WILL BE permitted into the ballroom
We appreciate all your cooperation and hope for your presence to see them next month
there are a few other glitches that maybe someone can check for you. Good luck!
yea!! I am Puerto Rican and it is def like that. People assume that its okay to bring kids because they think that you didnt mean their kids. I am going through this now and its only my engagement party. Now some people said they wont come because their kids cant. I just dont get it. Weddings, Showers and other parties related to weddings were for adults. Atleast thats the way that I was raised. Hang in there!!!
I agree with ‘V’… I just read the traslation to Spanish, and I think it must say:
“Para estar seguroS DE que no hay
confusión, nosotros requerimos que haga
el favor de no traer niños y ningUna otra
persona que no fuera ENLISTADO en las
invitaciones a la recepción. Debido a
asientos limitados, los asistentes con
Niños y personas no convidados NO serán
permitidas en el salon. ”
I hope it help you… Good luck!
A co-worker of mine who was recently married would have LOVED you for this suggestion. Her wedding was overburdened with a HUGE barrage of uninvited guests. Yikes!
I say it was a good call - and very politely worded.
I disagree with Shay:
In the hispanic culture (at least mine) weddings etc. are a family event. It’s totally cool if you don’t want kids there, but it is erroneous to assume that these events are “adult” in nature. Unless there will be some XXX action going on at the wedding, I don’t see how it is an “adult” event.
About the card:
I thought this was a joke when I read this. Then I realized that you weren’t kidding.
I get the whole “more the merrier concept” and how problematic it can be. I am just saying that this is plain rude though. You are setting yourself up for a reception were everyone will be too afraid to do anything inappropriate so they are going to be sitting quietly afraid to move. It sounds like your guest list is A LOT like mine was. My guests were in no way dumb or uncouth (which is what that note hints at). If I got this in the mail, I would be really offended. I would at least hope that you are sending these out to your guests as well, so the offense will be to both sides of the guest rather than just the hispanic ones.
For my wedding I had a RSVP card that read ” total number of invited guest ____”. We did not have a problem. But you already sent these out right?
I’m very worried about this too. FI and I are both hispanic and although we’d love to invite everyone we’ve ever known and then some, it’s just not possible. Please please post an update on peoples reactions to this note.
Yah, you’re definitely missing the NEGATIVE form of that verb (NO serán permitidas) in that Spanish translation…which will just lead to even further confusion!
As a whole, I would say this kind of stuff is better left spread by word of mouth as opposed to engraved on the invitation…it just comes off a bit tacky.
Hey, I don’t know if you’ve sent this out yet, but there are several errors in the Spanish version. You might want to have another Spanish speaker proofread.
I am marrying a Mexican guy too (in Mexico) and we are having key people in the family spread the word about our expectations. Something very popular here is actually to give out “tickets” to invitees, letting them know how many people they can bring. Might be an option for you….
Tacky or offensive or whatever people may take this to be, this is your wedding and you can do what you want. People may take it a little too personally, especially if they’re guilty of inviting random guests already, but despite the criticism, remember this: if they weren’t going to be rude and invite people you didn’t invite, then you wouldn’t have needed to take this route. It’s not like they’re the ones who will be struggling to come up with the money for all the extra guests!
Good luck! 
Hi,
I completely understand your situation since I’m Hispanic and I’m having my wedding in PR a weekend after yours. To be honest I don’t think you will have any problem with the non-Hispanics but you might some problems with the Hispanics. My recommendation is just to send out a note to his side of the family. Let me make some corrections to your grammar and give you another suggestion.
Spanish:¡Esperamos celebrar nuestra boda con
usted el 27 de septiembre de 2008!
Debido a
asientos limitados, los asistentes con
niños y personas no invitadas no serán
permitidas en el salon.
¡Apreciamos toda su cooperación y
esperamos verle el mes
próximo!
If I actually had to send a note like this one, I would do it more personal that way they would not get offended . Believe me I’m dealing with a similar situation, you need to be very careful when selecting your words (latinos are very sensitive).
¡Es díficil describir las ansias de
poder celebrar nuestra boda con usted
el sabado 27 de septiembre de 2008
Debido a el limitado espacio de el salon, le pedimos de todo corazón traer el número de invitados indicado en la tarjeta de confimación (RSVP)
¡Apreciamos su cooperación y
esperamos compartir con ustedes el día mas
importante de nuestras vidas!
Sorry for the long message I hope that helps. Good luck!!
What a tough situation!!! Definitely good that you are sending a note and giving them notice though! Hopefully that will prevent wedding day issues on the subject!
Good luck with it–I don’t read Spanish, but I hope you’ll be able to make the suggested corrections if they’re warranted. I wouldn’t be at all offended to receive a card like that–it would just reinforce common sense to me. The font and symbol are very pretty!
Miss H - This is something I’ve been worried about, too! I’m also marrying into a Hispanic family, and this is something my fiancee’s father has warned me about. We’re going the more “word of mouth” route, as he’s taken it upon himself to let all of his family members know what is and isn’t permitted. I gave up on the issue of whether or not to invite children (we are going to include them- I decided I didn’t want his family to ever feel like they weren’t invited) but am standing firm behind my future in-laws on the uninvited guests.
Please please keep us posted on the results!
My guess would be that you already considered going the word of mouth route and decided it might not be direct enough. I think any negative reaction you might get from sending this note is worth it. It will be way less stressful than having way too many people show up at your reception. Your budget won’t soon forget dozens of extra guests, I am guessing, but I bet the guests will soon forget any hurt feelings they have from not being able to bring kids or uninvited guests. If you, your FI and his mom chose this route, go with it…it seems like a necessary thing. Let us know how it turns out!
I am so sorry that you even have to worry about this. I am Mexican and I am getting married on the same day as you. My FI and I had a similar problem. I knew from the start that my mom would want to invite EVERYONE lol. Our wedding id 80% family and the rest friends (and no children). Its always hard and someone will always have a problem with it.
I think the note that was written is a little too harsh. I think maybe put your foot down on this one and have your FMIL and FI make phone calls, because even though this wasn’t your decision to make up this note everyone will assume it was your idea (I hope that doesnt sound too harsh…not trying to add more stress…). I think maybe the subject has been overthought and it is becoming a larger issue then it will actually end up being. People will understand and I think a phone call is the best way to deal with this. 10 years from now you will look back on this and laugh. Everything will turn out fine. :o)
I think you are in a tough spot no matter what you do. I have been to some of these Hispanic weddings, and so I know what you are up against. I think that a phone call would be best, but you can’t force him and his mother to do it and so I think you are doing what you can.
How many of these do you have to send out? What about handwriting them to make them feel a little bit more personal?
I’m not Hispanic, but I could see this being a huge problem with my family as well… which is a part of why we’re having our wedding out of town! I really want a small, intimate wedding but I have a large family and my dad and grandfathers are ministers which usually leads to a lot of unexpected guests. So we decided to choose a venue about three hours away. Of course, the guest list is not the only reason why we chose to do this, but it definitely sealed the deal.
I think you’re very brave for posting this. Thank you for sharing what must be a very difficult thing for you.
Agreed with Miss Avocado - no matter what you do, you’re having to make a tough choice. Good for you for doing what you have to do to make sure the day goes smoothly for everybody involved. Hopefully only a minority of people will have a problem with the note, and I bet that minority will be the one that was going to bring an extra somebody.
What a great idea! I had this problem at my wedding too and had to call a few people to let them know they couldn’t bring all their children, etc. We were having a small wedding ceremony and then a larger party after the honeymoon to celebrate with other friends and family that weren’t invited. It wasn’t easy but had to be done!
i agree with some of the other suggestions to soften the language a bit, but only you and your FI/FMIL know what you’re up against. it may be that such direct wording is warranted. i think any guests who had planned a wedding would understand, though others may find it rude or be offended. that said, better to have some ruffled feathers and be clear than to have to turn away people you invited because others had filled up the room to capacity.
good luck with a very tough situation!
If you must send it, I’d say,
“We are thrilled to see you at our wedding. Unfortunately, the venue space is quite limited, and we had to be quite selective in choosing our guests.
Because of this, we must ask that those people we have carefully selected refrain from bringing children and other guests, as we will not be able to accomodate them.”
Even though it’s awkward, there’s a way to say it gently.
Good luck!
I’m sure you’ve shed a few tears over this; here is a hug. ((HUG)).
A few things to clarify - is this going to only the Hispanic guests? And if so, is it being written in both languages so the Hispanic guests THINK the non-Hispanic guests also are receiving it… because if they found out that the non-Hispanic guests didn’t receive it, they may be offended. And then there is the flip side to that same argument (which is probably why this has been so frustrating for you) - if I received that card in the mail I would be so confused (I’m not Hispanic). I don’t have children and I’d never bring an uninvited guest to a wedding?!?! - Is this Sally’s way of telling me she doesn’t want me to bring my boyfriend? - Basically, I can see this letter offending the Hispanic guests and confusing the non-Hispanic guests - and so in the end it isn’t really serving a purpose.
I also am not sure you really mean what you have written - would you really ask someone “to leave at the door?” I can’t imagine you doing that.
My suggestion - do not send these cards. I think the cards will cause more problems than they prevent. Through word of mouth, have your FI, his mother, the aunts, tell people that kids aren’t allowed and they can’t bring uninvited guests.
Have extra chairs at the W. If other people show up, then your coordinator will have to squeeze 13 into that table - or their kid will have to sit on their lab and share their food - but you have to accommodate the people who bring their kids/friends because these people are NOT being rude, they are simply following THEIR cultural norms.
“but you have to accommodate the people who bring their kids/friends because these people are NOT being rude, they are simply following THEIR cultural norms.”
exactly!
Another thing to think about- people will RSVP and then not show up. Some people might even do it out of spite.
funny -hispanic families are great–except when you’re planning a party! I know ive been dealing with this. I think what people need to know that this is not about 1 or 2 extra folks showing up, its about people bringing whole families with them (”Oh they were here from out of town”, or “this is my neighbor and her family she knows your mom from a long time ago”)
I say do what you need to do, its your wedding, your checkbook. At my cousin’s wedding, she had SOOOOO many kids and uninvited guests…she was miserable and actually told me to not let this happen to me when i got married.
Think about it this way..when you look back on your wedding in 1 year. what matters most : A) not offending your FI’s family or B)you and your FI having a fun memorable happy wedding done your way? I know what I picked. thats why i have been constantly reminding my family about the no kids, no strangers rule. I told them that if they want to bring kids or an uninvited guest, they better stop at McDonald’s for a big mac and at walmart for a lawn chair.
dont stress!the folks that are closest to you and your FI will undersatnd, and for the rest…if you offend them now you have a whole lifetime to make it up to them…they’ll forget about it when the next wedding rolls around!
good luck!
Oy vey…. I really appreciate your posts as I see this as a future problem for my boyfriend and I when we decide to get hitched. We are both Mexican and we have talked about this multiple times.. we don’t want to have my big fat mexican wedding!! It’s important to take note that the more the merrier is actually the norm in a lot of cultures outside of the U.S {ever seen my big fat greek wedding} Often I think that to many other cultures, all these etiquette rules, table seatings with escort cards, and save the dates are seen as a pretentious waste of money and distractions from what the day is really supposed to be about. But we are also American and we want all these elements in our wedding. At first this card seemed like a good idea, but now that I think about all the reactions we would get from our families if we sent these I am against it. The best thing would be to call and talk to family members who completely understand you so that they can also help you spread the word. Make it clear to them verbally that you cannot afford to have more than the alloted guest list because food and space is limited. Reserve one whole day to make these calls. You don’t want to get started on the wrong foot before you officially enter into the family. The card has lots of grammatical errors too. good luck girl, I’m rooting for you!
p.s you could always tell them that the food is vegetarian and you will be serving no alcohol If push comes to shove thats what I will be doing!
@enmoore66: I agree that going this route will likely offend Hispanic family members & confuse the side that is not. We wanted to avoid the same issue & instead made it a point to write ‘adult reception’ on the enclosure cards. We posted a note on our website saying that due to space & budget considerations, we were unable to include children outside of the wedding party at the reception. Lastly, we spread the word to everyone- very early- that kids & other guests were not in our reception budget.
@sillybride: You are so brave to come right out & say that this was rude. In a totally not meant to be mean way, I got the same impression. Miss H, I do not envy you or the position you are in, but you have to make sure you don’t come out of this as a villain. I would let his side of the family discreetly hand these out where they feel it’s needed. I would not mail them to everyone. To your side, you will have to explain it & his family will look uncouth & to his side, you will be the gringa stomping on hispanic tradition. Best of luck with this tricky situation, we’re rooting for you!!
Big sympathy to you, Miss Hydrangea. This is a difficult situation and I can only imagine how stressful you’re finding it.
We’re inviting about 50 guests to the wedding and meal then a further 50 to the evening party. I am also very concerned about making it clear on the invitations and our website who is invited to which, without coming across rude.
Good luck!
oh wow. This is tough.
Well, my first thought is that it is his wedding too, and that it’s best to trust him and his mom in what is going to be the best way to handle this potential issue. So, yes, I would go back and reword it to be a little softer (while still drawing a firm line), and double check the Spanish, but in the end, I would go along with him. Perhaps it would be easier for you to only send them to the guests that you and Mr. H deem necessary?
Regardless of other opinions posted here, only you guys are going to be able to say what needs to be done to handle this. It’s your wedding, your future husband. And there are far worse things than sending these out. *big hug*
I definitely found some errors in your spanish translation as well, and as a native speaker, I can tell you it confused me more than cleared things up. I’m sorry about the spot you are in, that’s not fun!
Fortunately, my family is not in the states, where we are getting married, so we don’t have to deal with any of this.
I know peeps are givin’ ya crap, but I completely understand. My fam is latin as well and although the invitation said “adult reception to follow”, and the rsvp said “due to space contstraints we are unable to accommodate guests not included on the invitation” - people STILL rsvp’d for kids and extra guests! There were some carefully worded phone calls and emails to be had. I wish you the best of luck. I wish us BOTH the best of luck
tough situation. BUT PLEASE FIX YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS. I think “Julissa” corrected it perfectly. The spanish portion you listed is not slang. Its grammatically inncorrect. In fact, your most important line literally translated to “People bringing uninvited guests and children WILL be admitted”. That is what you’re saying! So change it!
not to sound harsh, but i can not emphasize enough how terribly incorrect the majority of the spanish part is written. VERY BAD and the spanish speaking guests will be appalled at the poor grammar. It looks so elegant and pretty that it would be a shame if it was sent out like that. Let me give you an english example of what you have written so you get an idea of what kind of errors you have, “We cant wait to celebration weet us marriagation. Peoples who bring they are childrens will be admitted.” Know what i mean? I’d be more than happy to help ya fix it. But like I said, if you copy Julissa, you’ll be set. She fixed it for you.
I am Hispanic and always knew that I did not want kids at my ceremony or reception EXCEPT for the ring bearer (who is my son) and two flower girls (my niece and FI’s daughter). Unfortunately, some people do not know how to monitor and discipline their children, but then completely lose it if you were to tell them to please watch their children. This is YOUR day (along with Mr. H) and no one else’s. You’ve done all you can to inform guests in a polite way; it is THEIR problem if they choose to take offense to it. Keep your head up. I am in the same boat!
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Mrs. Hydrangea, Dallas
Age and Occupation: 26, Administrative Assistant
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Network Analyst
Engagement Date: June 2007
Wedding Date: September 2008
Blogging Since: January 14, 2008
Venue: Catholic Church and Reception at The W Hotel
About Me: Mr. H and I come from very different cultures and backgrounds so I'm excited to plan our wedding with a balance of both traditions. My mom has always been a DIY queen, and I'm just now starting to get into it with a new house and a wedding to plan!
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