Weddingbee

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Grrr. I just got off the phone with a friend who said that his wife’s nephew is showing up 3 days before our event. Needless to say, he asked whether he could bring him, and my doofus butt said, “Sure, we’d love to have him over!”.

I lied. I got off the phone and felt like crap as I added one more to our ever-growing list.

The truth of the matter is that we are nearly at the capacity of the venue and we really don’t want any extra kids, much less those that we don’t even know. I had a reason to say “No”, but I choked. It’s all because I wasn’t prepared for the question, nor did I have any systematic way to say “No”. I am sure many of you are suffering from “extra-guest-a-nitis” and are seeking some sort of remedy. Well, I actually sat down and began thinking of the many ways we, as frustrated planners, can say “No”. I started the “trimming the fat” the first place I could think of: stopping the “extra” kid requests in their tracks.

I present the 10 answers that are part of my system. Number 1 being the most push-over answer, and number 10 being the most cut-throat-stand-your-ground answer.

Let’s set the background:
*Phone Rings* *ring ring*
You pick up the phone.

You: Hello?
*the coarse voice of a chain smoking aunt comes through*
Aunt Olga: Hi sweety, it’s Aunt Olga. How are you?
You: Oh, fine. Just trying to get these wedding prep-
Aunt Olga: Well great. Listen, Uncle Elmo’s three nephews are coming over. The triplets. You remember, right?
You: Umm. yes *thinking about how they broke your expensive Wyland sculpture last time the family reunion was held at your house*
Aunt Olga: Well, they’re coming in 2 days before your wedding, so we are going to bring them..
You: *pause, deep breath*….*you think about Mr. Mango’s answers and search deep within yourself for the courage to succeed*

The Mr. Mango Answers:

#1 - I’m sorry. We didn’t anticipate children showing up, but we’ll go ahead and try to work something out. This is the weakest answer you could give. It may be nice, but if your generosity is fake, you’re going to be miserable. It’s your wedding, so go with your gut. If your gut says NO MORE CHILDREN, then this isn’t the answer to go with. Don’t be a chicken like me. Oh, and don’t give this answer and then pretend to avoid the situation. Because, sure enough, you will have 3 kids at your wedding with your planner trying to seat them.

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#2- I’m sorry. We simply do not have the capacity to invite anymore children. This is courage kicking in. Fight for your rights! This will definitely cause a lift of the brow on the other side. Also, this is difficult if you have a large venue and/or lots of guests who haven’t RSVP’d. Expect to get some flak at the wedding if they see other kids running around. Under questioning, you can say that people simply didn’t show up at the last minute.

#3- I’m sorry. We are trying to keep an intimate setting and have decided not to invite children.

You will definitely get some contention right then and there. You’ll be told it’s rude, disrespectful, blah, blah. Stand your ground, keep a stiff upper lip, and move forward. Let her know that you don’t want kids running around for any reason, and if you don’t think that works, blame it on the groom (we can take it). Just make sure you let him know so he can be ready for the scowls.

#4- I’m sorry. Our venue does not allow children under 10 due to insurance concerns.

They can’t fight this one. However, if other kids show up. Be prepared to “act” appalled and worried that you are going to get in trouble for having kids around.

#5- I’m sorry. Our alcohol policy states that no children are to be allowed on location if any alcohol is served…and, well, we’re winos.

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Same as above. However, you might be written off as a person in need of some AA meetings. Be prepared for it.

#6- I’m sorry. Wait, here talk to my mom.

This is a very slick move and is slightly “sucky”. You are basically problem-shifting to another loved one. But, hey, at least you don’t have to deal with it and she probably did the same when it was her wedding (sorry mommy mango).

#7- I’m sorry. But Mr. ___’s best man is bringing his Jack Russell, who tends to want to use kids as his chew toy.

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This could be risky because you don’t want the best man to be receiving dirty looks from your family all night…or maybe you do?? All the women that are smirking right now…evil, evil. Another thing is that you could wait until your wedding and when guests ask where the dog is, just say that you put your foot down about the dog and then say you don’t know why they didn’t get the message. Not bad, eh? Lastly, this works better for outdoor weddings.

#8- I’m sorry. We aren’t allowing children due to the fact that the entertainment will not be age appropriate.

OK. This may cause some curiosity as to what could be so bad that kids aren’t invited. Be prepared to share something raunchy.

#9- I’m sorry. We just found out that there are two or three 10ft windows that have no glass covering them.

Imminent danger always works as a deterrence for parents wanting to bring their kids. Again, wait till the wedding and let them know they must have covered them last minute. You may get them calling the venue and asking about this because it sounds so outrageous. If this is the case, I advise you to move to answer #10.

#10- I’m sorry. I hate your children and any that you may want to bring.

Holy smokes. Rough ain’t it? You may want to snarl and/or hiss after this answer. Another finisher is simply yelling, “Got that ?” and then slamming the phone. However, in this age, analog phones are so hard to find that it’s probably best to just start pushing numbers on the phone to beep her into hanging up.

Whew. Intense right? Well, I hope this helps. I would even recommend printing out my little guide and taping it next to your phone. We must stick together here people!

Have you used any of these answers or the like in your conversations with guests? If so, what has or has not worked?

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