Wedding Blog
Some of you might have noticed while reading the Hot Cocoa engagement story post that there are two rings in this photo: an engagement ring on my finger (yes, that Oompa Loompa set of appendages does belong to me, not a four-year-old gnome child) and a band on Mr. Hot Cocoa’s finger. Do not adjust your browsers. That shiny washer on Mr. HC’s digit is, indeed, an engagement ring. From me. To him.
When we started talking about getting engaged and going through the process of selecting a pretty bauble for my finger, I started feeling somewhat sad for Mr. HC that he wouldn’t get some shiny thing of his own. Why shouldn’t he have a token of my commitment and love too? And truthfully, Little Miss Snarky (my bad, bad alter ego) also thought that it seemed unfair that I should have to be “marked” as off-the-market, while Mr. HC gets to sally forth unchanged.
Then there’s also the fascinating theory I read about in law school of how the custom of giving an engagement ring only to women came about. WAIT - don’t stop reading! I swear it’s good! Prof. Margaret Brinig (in an article you can download here) points out that in the olden days, if a man broke off an engagement, a woman could sue him for breach of promise. BOP was not just about a jilted lover’s sweet revenge; in the days when women needed to remain a virgin to be marriageable, this civil action gave men an incentive to go through with the wedding and women some measure of financial support if the engagement fell through after, um, some hanky panky. But in the 1930s, BOP was legislated out of existence. Hence the need for some expensive doodad — a performance bond, if you will — to keep grooms honest. (And it helps that, as discussed in this must-read Slate piece, the 1930s were when DeBeers began its “A Diamond is Forever” campaign.)
Anyway, I decided I could do without a (one-way) performance bond; Mr. HC has seen me at my worst and hasn’t run yet (I mean, he’s sometimes hid in horror, closed his eyes, or fled the apartment temporarily, but he always came back — sucker!). And the feminist troublemaker in me liked the symbolic value of exchanging rings.
So I contacted Etsy seller imakecutestuff and ordered one of her custom “secret promise rings.” It’s a simple sterling silver band that’s inscribed with a hidden message inside.
I had it inscribed with “Have a little faith, there’s magic in the night,” a quote from one of our favorite Springsteen songs. And sometime after Mr. HC proposed with his ring, I proposed with mine.
Since Mr. HC can’t wear any jewelry to the hospital (which is pretty much where he is every hour of every day as a med student), he hasn’t really been wearing his pretty shiny thing. In truth, he also thinks it’s a bit weird, even if he completely endorses the sentiment behind it. Despite this, I kind of like the idea that he has it.
Any of you get or think about getting a mengagement ring? Does the term “mengagement ring,” which I’m totally claiming as my own, btw, make you giggle — like man-purse (murse) or man-bra (bro)? Did you stop reading when I put “fascinating” and “law school” in one sentence? Sorry — it won’t happen again, I promise.
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Share this post: (M)engagement Rings?
Oh I totally want to mark my boy with a ring. And now I can say “I saw it on the internet, it’s a new trend.”
Thanks.
AWWWWW i love this because the Christmas my Fiance and I were 17 we exchanged engagement rings =] !!!
I got my fiance a watch as an engagement gift. It was meaningful to us, becuase he had given me the time I needed to myself in the right place to be ready for sharing our lives together.
He doesn’t wear it everyday, but when he does, it makes me smile.
Is it just a rule that med students at his hospital aren’t permitted to wear jewelry? That just caught my eye as I was reading the post.. definitely not a policy here — my husband has never had an issue wearing his ring in the hospital. I know a few of his friends opt not to because they wash their hands so frequently (and I actually choose not to wear my engagement or wedding band because I find it uncomfortable under gloves), but it’s not hospital policy. Just wondering if it’s something we’ll face when we switch hospitals later on in life… or if it’s just something they torture medical students with, and my husband gets out of it now that he’s an actual doctor.
I haven’t found the right ring in my price range yet, but I definitely like the idea of my fiance having a ring of his own, exactly because I hate being “marked” by my ring while there’s no indication on his hand that he’s taken as well! I almost picked him up a really silly and cheap mood ring (it had triceratopses on it!), but none of the rings looked big enough to fit his hands. 
I got my FI a Wii. : )
a male friend had a “mangagement” ring but it was confusing - it was a simple band he wore on his left ring finger, and everyone thought he was already married.
I like the idea and think it’s sweet!
I got my fiance an engagement ring too! I figured it wasn’t fair for me to get a ring and not him, he deserved one too. I had it before he asked me so after he asked me, we got home that night and I “asked him” and gave him his ring. In line with our sense of humor I had it engraved with “Gotcha now sucka!” on the inside.
I’ve never understood why men don’t get engagement rings. My guy felt left out! He already had a claddagh ring that I’d given him for his birthday that he really liked, and he said that two rings was too much “bling,” so he just switched his ring to his other hand once we got engaged. He gets sad when he can’t wear it on his left hand in the winter because it’s too big.
Julieulie: my FI and I are both medical students, and our school has the policy that when you start your clinical clerkships, you can only wear rings on one finger, essentially (so technically I could wear my wedding and engagement rings on one finger, but if i chose to wear them on separate fingers, that would not be allowed). The only times in med school where you are absolutely not allowed to wear rings is when you are in surgery - you cannot scrub in with jewelry on your hands, not that you would want to use a rough-bristled brush on your rings!! Other than surgeons, I know of no other physicians that are forbidden to wear rings as a general policy. Hot Cocoa’s FI might simply find it easier not to wear a ring because he washes his hands and uses purell all the time, and sterling silver doesn’t stand up to that sort of abuse the same way gold or platinum does.
that being said, I know women who wear their diamond rings as medical students but they quickly give it up during internship, and then start wearing their engagement rings again during residency.
whoops, you would think that more than a year after marriage i would be used to calling mrbear my husband instead of FI…
My husband is Swedish. In Sweden, many couples are engaged for a number of years and men wear engagement rings. Most use that ring later as a wedding ring (as my husband does) but some men wear two rings once they are married.
They also have a word for a cohabitated, committed relationship so that you don’t have to call your long-term boyfriend, your boyfriend.
Crazy! I’m a law student and actually had Prof. Brinig for contracts. She definitely brought up the history of engagement rings and all of the law surrounding what happens in the event the engagement ends before marriage. So strange to see that article pop up on Weddingbee!
My fiance is Catholic Nepali, and all the men wear a mangagement ring/wedding ring from the time they’re engaged. I think it’s great and I’m going to pick out our mangagement ring in two weeks! Eek!
I’ve defnitely heard about e-rings standing in for breach of promise–that, along with the idea of being “marked” has always made me want to get my FI his own e-ring. He actually wants one too! Not just because he thinks it might be cool to have a little bling, but because he actually wants to be “marked” like I am…
love this post! More “fascinating” and “law school” please!
Mengagement ring- cute! Mr. ST and I have been wearing matching white gold bands on our right hands the past two years… I guess this is his mengagement ring!
i thought this was normal—i bought him a ring day after he proposed. of COURSE he wears one too.
@Librarygirl2 and @amysue: A watch is a great idea, as is a Wii. I think Mr. HC might have preferred either! LOL.
@julieulie and : @mrsbear: Yep, as Mrs. Bear said, he just doesn’t find it convenient to wear a sterling silver germ catcher around the hospital all day. 
He actually wore it quite a bit on ambulatory.
@Erin: Love the inscription!
@historybride: I love that he actually wants to wear it as an engagement ring!
@Catherine and @ustwiggie: Thanks for sharing. I’m now going to tell Mr. HC that we are either Swedish or Catholic Nepali, so that he’ll wear his e-ring!
@Amy and @brendalynn: Next on weddingbee: “Property rules, liability rules, and inalienability: one view of the cathedral.”
After a friend of mine proposed, his fiance gave him a pair of engagement shoes!
C. is wearing an engagement ring. I call it “Boy Bling”. You can see it on my blog. Its beautiful, its from etsy, and we love it!
I gave my guy a ring as a Christmas/bday gift (both of our days are in December) but unfortunately he never wears it. The reason is because shortly after we got engaged, he kinda gave himself a (m)engagement ring, which was a ring he gave me for my 18th birthday (and I wore till I was 21, when we got engaged): platinum band with 5 small diamonds spaced equidistant, a bit like the Tiffany Etoile ring.
He told me that with my new bling, I can’t wear the old one anymore and besides not fair that the girls get the bling. Silly, but I thought it was kinda cute, I call him on it when he doesn’t wear it (he had to take it off at times for his job as well) but now he wears it all the time. He might even keep it for good as his wedding ring, as opposed to getting a “wedding ring.”
Hi Miss HC!
Wow! I am totally honored to have been a part of such a wonderful story! I had a great time making your man’s special ring…I wish you both all the happiness in your future together! - Marlo M. (aka: imakecutestuff 
@missx: That’s right out of Sex in the City! Love it.
@doctorgirl: C’s ring is really luxe — it’s great. You look so lovely in your gown pics, btw!
@Maria: That’s really adorable; how wonderful that he’s wearing a ring w/ such sentiment. I hope he keeps it as his wedding ring!
@Marlo M: Hi Marlo! Thanks so much for your fabulous work. Couldn’t have executed this crazy scheme w/o you!
hahahahah
my fi bought his own e-ring. he bought it when he bought mine. hahah our other friend made his fi at the time buy him an e-ring.
but i kidna freaked out ’cause he was already wearing it on his left hand. so when we went to visit him, his mom straight asked “son. what is that?!” to which i replied quite scared, “i had nothing to do with it!” hahah
then he had to explain he bought himself an e-ring. then she laughed.
but i swear i was shaking in my flip-flops! =) i like the idea though. he’s decided to use his e-ring as his wedding band too, so he doesn’t have to wear 2 rings. but to make it different for the wedding, we’ve engraved our names and our date on the inside. so since we did that a few weeks ago, he hasn’t been wearing it =)
oh and ps yes. you lost me on the law stuff. it’s the weekend and i’m not planning on doing any billable work until tomorrow night… ;P
I can barely get Mr. Av to agree to wear a ring AFTER we get married. Congrats on getting yours to wear it before as well
Well, our church doesn’t really practice engagement/wedding rings (long story) often it is custom to give a nice watch for engagement instead. I already have a watch picked out since my bf and I have discussed getting engaged quite extensively and he just hasn’t gotten around to actually popping the question. Waiting for the imminent moment really sucks!
My FI and I actually exchanged clauddah rings years ago, I’m Irish and he’s Indian, and so even before I got my engagement ring he had a ring also. I also got him a celtic knot ring that he actually wears on his left ring finger because the clauddah ring fits him wierd. So even before we were officially engaged we were both wearing rings. I like the idea of a men’s engagement ring. Why not especially since they make tons of men’s fashion rings.
@kb: That’s great that he bought himself the ring! Saves you the trouble!
@Miss Avocado: LOL. No, I bought him the ring. That’s not to say he wears it.
@Mandy: I hear you - I’m sure the moment will come soon!
@jennred782: You’re right; I’m surprised by the number of attractive men’s rings out there.
Here in Brazil it is tradition for the man to wear an engagement band. Normally, the engagement ring for the woman is not a HUGE diamond ring either (bummer, I know!!!!!!!). For the man, a plain gold ring, and for the woman, a gold ring with one or a couple of little diamonds. Although my fiancé is British, I never even considered respecting his tradition and not giving him an engagement ring! Hahahahahaha! Seriously, he wears his ring so proudly! I am so glad I’ve given him one! 
LOVE IT! Check out my bio for a pic of my FI’s ring. Its actually a tradition from Germany as well, both men and women wear the same band that will be their wedding rings. Too bad I’m too much of a bling bling girl who wants her diamonds
Oh my goodness! I just loved this post! I can totally relate — I started dating my husband when I was 14 and he’s a few years older so when he deserted me for college I mandated he wore a ring. So, him switching over to a wedding band was well… not so different. We are now dealing with the hospital / no wedding band for him situation as well — it’s quite frustrating! His ring is either left here or tied on to his scrubs (real safe, I know!). Maybe someday someone will come up with a solution to the hospital / wedding band situation.
Anyway, thanks for the great post. Mengagement ring is quite possibly my new favorite term!
i had a girlfriend who did that. and I thought it was the sweetest thing… and I thought about it too… but then realized, for some reason - many women find men with rings more attractive… and since he wanted to wait for his wedding band, figured, why not… but i do love the idea.
Long before we ever got engaged, I gave him a claddagh ring that was mine because we were separated (physically) for several months and he wanted a piece of me to carry around. I’ve never taken it back.
My personal beliefs regarding love and relationships also values mutual scarification, which is something he understood very well, so not long before we were engaged, we made two small scarred designs on each other. It wasn’t meant to be morbid at all. It was simply a quiet, personal commitment to each other, saying, “In whatever form our relationship takes, you will always be important to me.”
Once becoming engaged, we opted not to get any rings at all, and instead we got matching tattoos that I designed, based on symbols that mean something personal to both of us.
I think there are a lot of ways to tangibly represent a bond, and that the bond can exist in layers throughout the relationship. The tattoo is very important to me as a symbol, but the scar has a lot of it’s own meaning, too.
I love reading about how people express their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs — thanks for sharing!
@Bertie and @Delia Adriana: It’s fun to hear that the mengagement ring is customary in other cultures. Thanks for sharing!
@The Blissful Bride: 14! Wow, you have us beat by a year. Congrats on your marriage!!
@amy77jc: I’m going to tell Mr. HC your comment; maybe it’ll spur him to wear the ring! LOL.
@Jaime: Ditto on your last line!
i’m so glad you posted this! i started a thread a while back about men’s engagement rings (i love the term mengagement ring by the way!) because i was torn about getting him a ring now and looking like he was already married and if he should have two rings later or not. i’ve since decided to go ahead and get him a more decorative ring as the engagement ring, and then adding a very small band for him to wear with it later (so it’s basically the same as a woman’s engagement ring / wedding band)
my guy specifically asked me for a ring, it was his idea. he told me “i’m making the same commitment that you are, so why wouldn’t i show it too?” plus, he said he wants to keep “stupid girls” away! haha.
i’m still deciding on a ring, but i found this one the other day and it’s a prime contender. i then plan on getting it engraved as well.
Heehee! I got my fiance a PS2–he had his choice of any gaming system he wanted (including a Wii, which wasn’t officially out when we got engaged), but he went with the system that had the most games that he would like. It was one of the best purchases I made–we got Guitar Hero for it, and our apartment became party central for our friends, it was fabulous!
That said, when we got our wedding rings, I had to pry that baby off of his finger as he was way to excited to wear it now…which is odd, I know.
I like mengagement ring 
to me a murse is a male nurse though (from Scrubs, the show) and a mans purse is a manbag.
My cousin proposed to her man with a ring, which because his wedding ring, so his bling didn’t change from engagement period to married. However, they had a lot of trouble getting her ring, what with her having to leave the country to renew her student visa, so she wore hers for a much shorter portion of their engagement than he wore a ring.
@Catherine: @ustwiggie: @Miss Hot Cocoa: It’s also very common in Italy for both the man and woman to wear bands on their ring fingers if they’re in a committed relationship (not even properly engaged!). While unlike Sweden there is not a separate word to describe this relationship, couples who have been together a long time, co-habitate, or are deeply committed are always referred to as fiances, with or with-out a looming wedding date. Once a couple become engaged they’re referred to as sposi, or “the bride and groom” and this continues through the “honeymoon” period of the marriage (a year or so).
Such a cute story! But, as it was previously stated, hospitals do not ban wearing of a band. There maybe restrictions on earrings, necklaces, and piercings (all in the name of professionalism), but a simple band is acceptable. As previously stated, only during procedures / surgery does the ring need to come off in order to “scrub”.
@melodicsighs: That ring is beautiful. And I’m super impressed with your fiance’s willingness to wear an e-ring. I’m going to have to show Mr. HC this string of comments!
@elizabeth: I love that. If I got Mr. HC any kind of game console, he and I would never spend any time together. We would be THAT obsessed with playing the darn games!
@MsPopcorn: I forgot all about that episode of scrubs! Ha ha.
@carrieitly: Thanks for sharing; I’m fascinated by how other cultures treat this issue.
I told my FI that when we got engaged he could buy himself an engagement TV. So his “mengagement ring” is a 42″ Plasma. lol Since we’ll be engaged for over a year I’m thinking of getting him a watch or a ring and proposing to him at the same place he proposed to me on our one year engagement anniversary.
I actually proposed to my FH, so I got him an engagement ring. He proposed to me a year or so later with a ring for me. It was fun for that year I could pretend I was dating a married man!
@Koandpo: That’s such a sweet idea! I hope you’ll come back and tell us the details after the proposal!
@Meghan: I love that you proposed! Now THAT’s gender parity.
once we finally found my FI’s ring, I could tell he was eager to wear it, but we were still months away. being an equal opportunity sort of gal, I snuck the ring out of the house and proposed to him, figuring if he proposed to me and I got to wear the ring, then if I proposed to him, he could wear his. he’s been enjoying his bling ever since. some people find it odd, but i think it’s been fun.
My FI is Peruvian & when we were dating he told me that it’s custom for the man to also get an engagement ring & that he was kind of sad that here in America it isn’t common. So I bought him a plain comfort fit tungsten carbide band & proposed to him right after he proposed to me! After we’re married, that will be his everyday ring (like it is now) & we’ll buy him a special occasion platinum ring with a little bling in it for the wedding & to wear for other special occasions!
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Mrs. Hot Cocoa, Boston/Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 31, JD/PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, Medical Student
Engagement Date: May 30, 2008
Wedding Date: March, 2009
Blogging Since: April, 2008
Venue: Ritz Carlton, Marina Del Rey
About Me:
I am a professional student by day and an amateur cupcake taster, bargain shopper, and wedding planner by night. I am obsessed with NPR, the Food Network, paper, dance shows, Anthropologie, post-structuralist theory, Weddingbee!, "The Office," and celebrity gossip. When not procrastinating from my dissertation, I spend time catering to Jellyby, our overly anxious shih tzu, and getting to know Mr. Hot Cocoa. We have only been dating for fifteen years, so it's like I'm in love with a stranger! From the East Coast, we are planning a Jewish-Chinese Extravaganza in L.A., where we both grew up.
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