Maid of Money?
September 5th, 2008 @ 4:14 pm by Miss Hot Cocoa
There’s an interesting post on the U.S. News and World Report Alpha Consumer Blog about the escalating costs of being a wedding guest and—especially—a bridesmaid. Here’s the money quote:
But the heftiest burden of all falls on bridesmaids. They play a role that, for all the honor of its implied intimacy to the bride, comes with a price to match. Bridesmaids are often expected to buy a dress, matching shoes, and jewelry, not to mention professionally applied makeup and nail polish on the day itself. And well in advance of the “I do’s,” they usually serve as host for a bridal shower, bachelorette party, or both. TheKnot.com estimates that, excluding travel, the average cost for each bridesmaid adds up to around $700.
Oy gevalt. I kind of hurt for my bridal party just reading this. I wanted to recognize their friendship and support for me through the years by asking them to play a special role in my wedding, but I by no means wanted to bankrupt them in the process!
I’m doing my best to help defray the costs for my bridesmaids.
I’m going to be purchasing their dresses (I am, if nothing, a talented bargain hunter, so this should be manageable and fun). I’m also going to be paying for makeup and hair for the day of; after all, they are getting gussied up on my behalf. But they will still have to fly to the West Coast from the East Coast, find a place to stay, and incur any incidental expenses while they are in California. Those expenses, plus even the most low-key bachelorette party (cancel the male strippers!), can really add up for the merry band of academics and government employees who make up our wedding party.
Are you worried about expenses for your bridal party, or do you think it all evens out in the end? Did cost concerns lead you to forego having a bridal party altogether? Do you have any tips or advice on how to help lower the costs?
Related Posts
34 Responses to “Maid of Money?”
You are generous to buy their dresses/pay for makeup and hair. Their expenses should be pretty similar to a guest’s, as they will pay for lodging/airfare as would any other OOT guest.
I felt the same way, so I budgeted for a lot of items. I am paying for their hair ($50 of it), nails and jewelery as well as their lodging(for them and their SOs) and transportation (We are renting two 15P vans). They will also have dinner the night before the wedding at our welcome party and brunch they day of. Their expenses are their dresses (letting them pick any of the brown Cotton Cady dresses from J. Crew) and plane tickets.
We paid for plane tickets, a rental car, and lodging for all of our attendants. It was our second biggest expense, after catering and before rentals. But if we hadn’t done that, some of them would probably not have been able to be there for us, so I say it was worth it. They paid for their attire, which was under $100 each, and we had no showers, no bachelor/bachelorette parties, no obligatory updo, no mandatory manicure, none of that. So even if they filled up the rental three times, it probably cost them under $200 to be there for the weekend–not at all bad for a destination wedding!
Similar to you, I was also worried about the expenses adding up. I tried to empathize and be proactive about adding expected costs for my BMs.. I picked dresses that were only $100, paid for shoes and gave the jewelry as part of the gift. I also paid for hair/makeup the day of and treated them all to nails and lunch the day before.
I had one BM who had to fly to be the wedding so that was an added expense for her, but I made sure she stayed with me so she didn’t have to pay for hotel/car, etc. The others drove from OOT and stayed with family/friends or already live here.
I had two pretty low-key showers (one was planned by a non-BM friend). The one big expense was my Bach. Party in Vegas. One BM didn’t come and it was a larger group of friends, not just BMs. Another friend had a connection for a free condo on the strip, so our only real big expense for the trip was airfare and I paid my own of course!
Obviously, these things will all vary depending on your specific circumstances, but I tried to minimize thing that they were required to pay for. In the end, I was probably overly generous with things, but I wanted to show my appreciation.
The other thing I did was getting hair/make-up for a very reasonable price. Since I knew I was paying for everyone, I hunted down someone affordable (and was still very happy with the results). I have been in situations where brides pick expensive options and then the BM are stuck paying for things they didn’t have a say in. At the very least let your BMs know up front that your option is one option and they can choose if they want to use it or not.
I am worried about this too! I’m definitely trying to keep costs down by having my girl choose her own black dress, and paying for her hair/makeup/accessories. But I still feel super guilty- all the members of our wedding party still have to fly to New Orleans and pay for hotels… I’d appreciate tips on cost-cutting too!
@ErinMarieMack and @Sarah: Ooh. Paying for lodging. I hadn’t thought of that. Is it too late for me to be part of your wedding parties? LOL.
I just spent well over a grand to be in a friend’s wedding - and it was local! I thought that was pretty excessive, to be honest, but the bride and her mom had expensive taste so there wasn’t much I could do or say…I definitely had to scrimp all spring/summer as a result, and as the expenses mounted it kind of put a damper on the big day. Obviously, any girl should think about the potential costs before accepting - but don’t count on all the other BM’s sharing costs equally (which is where I went wrong).
I worry a lot about the costs for my girls and the guys too! I want the dresses to be low cost and somthing they will truly wear more than once (ok so my sister won’t but she never wears dresses.) Except for one sister and one brother, they will all be traveling for the wedding. I know my Dad and my FILs will help with the costs for all of the siblings (4 on each side -yikes) but we still have 3 friends each who will be incurring costs on thier own. We are tying to keep them as low as possible so that we don’t stress thier budgets too much. With 2 of my girls having new babies right now and and one who is a stay at home mom and has a husband who jsut started a business my girls are all for the low cost dress!
I worried a lot. I made sure to be as easy going as possible, no mandatory hair/jewelry, and all I ask is their shoes be white/off white, their dresses were $106 ea the cheapest I found anywhere in the right color. And still I’ve gotten a ton of complaints about the cost. Esp. from my MOH who was really upset about the cost of the bach. party, and made me well aware all night. I feel horrible! What’s a girl to do?!
i was really worried as well. i paid for their dresses which i got on the cheap. i am not requiring that they have fancy hair or makeup. if they dont want to throw me a bridal shower or bachelorette party, that would be find as well. all i care is that they are there with me that day and that they have lots of fun celebrating with us!
I have a question - do brides actually make their bridesmaids pay for matching jewelry?
@pookie: Over $1000? Wow. Mr. HC once spent over $2000 on a bachelor party in Las Vegas though. I was horrified!
@MM: I couldn’t agree more with your last sentiment!
@linda: I wouldn’t be that surprised, I suppose, if that were true. There was that article in the NYT a few weeks ago about brides asking their BMs to get plastic surgery. 
i pulled my hair out trying to find an affordable dress! i told the girls they didn’t have to have hair/makeup professionally done. i bought their shoes, jewelry, plus a clutch that would go with the dress but they were not required to use any of it if they didn’t like it. i had no shower or bachelorette party so i guess that helped!
we’re definitely mindful of the costs. our wedding is fairly local (within an hour’s drive), but between the rehearsal dinner and day-of activities, we’re all staying at an Inn a few minutes away from the venue. we weren’t able to pay for the rooms, but because FI and I upgraded to a larger room, they were able to cut MOH a deal and waive the 2-night minimum for her. woo hoo! we’re paying for mani/pedis as a pre-wedding thank you and left the choice for hair up to them.
they paid for the dresses, but they are off the rack - one was under $100, the other under $50. 
I am a bride’s maid in a wedding that will take place in a few weeks.
The bride helped us girls out by purchasing our beautiful dresses and is taking us out the week of the wedding. Having said that, I spent just shy of $400 to host a bachelorette party. My airplane ticket is costing me about $800 round trip. Because I am staying with family I don’t have to worry about hotel. I have already purchased shoes and will need to get my nails done and eye brow’s waxed (potentially hair done too) for the wedding.
Then there is the present in cash. Not to mention the cost of attending another bachelorette party at the wedding locale.
All in all I would say this wedding is running me a total of $1500. Because I have been prepping for the bar exam I haven’t worked since April. And this hurts. Oh it hurts.
Love my friend. Thrilled to be there. But it’s particularly difficult at this point in my life.
BTW I think the $1500 is a low ball. VERY low ball!
Like pookie, I was in a wedding party where the bride just kind of kept piling on costs and was seemingly oblivious to how much she was asking us to spend on hair, shoes, dresses, parties, etc. We all still had a great time that weekend, but money woes definitely dampened my spirits in the weeks leading up to the wedding.
After that experience I’m definitely trying to be conscious of how much money my BMs will have to shell out. My mom has generously offered to put $100 towards the cost of each BM dress and cover a hotel suite for the girls, which is awesome. I’m also not going to ask them to pay for matching shoes or jewelry or any spa treatments — I’m sure they’ll look great even if they don’t want pedicures, facials, or Botox
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2008/08/02/bridesmaid_etiquette/index.html
This is an article in Salon that really got to me. It really drives home the fact this whole mentality of “my special day” makes us kind of insane.
yikes! I had no idea. Off the rack dresses for my maids…I’ll have to keep tuned into Ms. HC’s sage bargain shopping advice.
@chibride: LOL. Please do!
@Colleen: Wow. This article is fascinating. I’m running out to get my BMs some lime green fabric right now. ;-P
even for the most budget-friendly bride, being a bridesmaid is an expense…so i think that being appreciate of the money (and time!) spent can make all the difference. i think it also helps take the edge off of the “my day” mindset, when i remember how much other people are giving and helping to make the day special but i am planning on buying my girls’ dresses, and not requiring the hair/makeup/nails stuff…i dont know how to work anything else into our budget though!
I was so shocked at how much I spent as a first time bridesmaid I am only having siblings as attendants(just 3 for the both of us). They had full choice of shoes, dress, and we are paying for hair/makeup.
I am having my two best friends get ready with me- but they didn’t have to buy a dress, pay for makeup/hair, shoes, etc Only travel like all other oot guests. This has been the best decision EVER. They can be with me in a special way for my wedding day but they can be who they are and not pay up the ying yang. No stress, no drama. It’s been a total breeze.
I don’t totally understand why a bride would ask her bridesmaids to get there hair done? My Aunt offered to do everyones hair FOR FREE as well as my own, and I am still giving everyone the option of styling themselves. I feel for my poor bridesmaids, flying up to my wedding!
No bridesmaids for me. None whatsoever.
I too felt guilty for my gals to fork over a great sum just to help me on my wedding day so I paid for their dresses and hair & make-up. Got the dresses at JCrew on sale and hair and make-up was done by Ai Sakai-http://wiki.weddingbee.com/Ai_Sakai. I wanted my girls to look good so those were the important items for me. I only required silver shoes from them. Jewelry and nails were on their own. No shower or bachelorette party, but a low-key girl’s night out with dinner, spa outting followed by dessert. It was fun and with my best gals. No strippers, alcohol, or craziness, but nice and relaxing since wedding planning was so stressful. Got them all gift bag of goodies. The way I saw it was they’re there for me and so if I want them dolled up and such, it was my expense. It was my way of thanking them for being there and they all really did their part. All cooperative and no stress or drama from anyone. They helped me stay afloat before and on the wedding day. That’s priceless.
@ErinMarieMack: What do you think of the Cotton Cady J. Crew dresses? I have been eyeing the Lyndsay pale pink dresses in the final sale, but I am hesitating because they can’t be returned. I am curious about the look and quality of the fabric.
this was definitely something I’m very concerned about especially since I know that all my bridesmaids are very budget-conscious at the moment (living in the city is very pricey, and one of them is currently unemployed!). i offered to pay for the dresses because i felt it was only fair. they wouldn’t have purchased a one time only dress if it weren’t for me, so i feel like i should pay for them. same goes for hair and makeup.
i’m also limiting a lot of shower and bachelorette party costs… i don’t need the male strippers or anything. in fact, i think alex and i might just combine the bachelor/bachelorette parties and just have a cheap singles naughty cake baking party instead. we’re all friends with the same people anyway.
This is something I’ve made a big effort to keep an eye on throughout the planning process. Every idea we come up with from whether to have an engagement party to our hen and stag dos (UK equivalent of bachelor/ette) to the details of the days itself to what happens afterwards… we’ve asked ourselves whether we were being reasonable with what it would cost people to be involved. I have heard nightmare stories about brides arranging events that cost their bridesmaids a fortune… I decided to have just one, my little sister who is skint and it would be impossible for me to take advantage of her as she just doesn’t have the money!
For a budget wedding keep it simple-it can still be elegant without being super formal.
Bridal Party Dresses
I’m doing the same thing as Kelly-siblings only. The girls get to pick out whatever black dress they want-they all have such different bodies I can’t imagine putting them all in the same dress-plus it’s fun to go shopping for a dress you get to pick out. Most people already have a black dress in their closets. The only thing I will stress is that it has no other colors, lace, flowers or beading-just plain. That way we can accessorize easier.
Hair/Jewelery
My fiance’s father is a hairdresser so he can do my hair-I’m not concerned about matching hair-I know my sisters will all look great. Everyone can do their own makeup-unless I have a really talented friend who likes to do that kind of thing-mine will be done by a pro. If I want the jewelery to match-I will buy it-but for now it’s not in the budget.
Shower/Bachelorette Combined
I’m thinking of having a shower in the backyard of my childhood home on the east coast-another DIY event. I’ve always thrown ‘Ladies Night’ parties and this would just be another one of those except with presents:) I’m thinking that after the presents and stuff…we can just hang for the night, have some wine, apps and maybe dinner. That way I can combine the two events into one. I’m not into the white t-shirt-tiara-wearing-tequila shot type of bachellorette party anyway;)
I’ll have all my girlfriends along side to help with all of the other details since we’re going DIY for this wedding-no florist. My fiance is determined to have the whole thing remain under $10k. I will let you know how that goes;)
We are getting married on the west coast and most of our family and friends are on the east coast-this is the only way to limit family drama and keep the wedding small. I’m trying to keep things simple-without being too casual-or tacky. Because everyone has the added expense of travel and lodging-I’m trying to limit extra costs and stress for them. I want them to enjoy this experience-not dread it.
Yikes! I feel like things go both ways. The bride should take into account their maids budgets, but the maids need to also know that there will be expenses involved with being a bridesmaid. The only thing I am requiring of my girls will be their dress (haven’t found one yet but I won’t go over $200). They can do whatever they want for shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup etc., and we are going to do low key showers and bach. parties. I am thinking when all is said and done, their mandatory expenses will be under $300, and then they can decide if they want to splurge on hair/shoes whatever. With that said, I have had a maid say that even that is too much for her to have to save.. over a years time.. and it has caused some tension, as I know that her budget would allow for it. It is definitely a give and take, and takes understanding on both sides.
Joining the conversation late, but wanted to chime in too… I was just in a friend’s wedding — my 5th time as a bridesmaid (and I wouldn’t be surprised if I were a BM 3 more times). This time, between a flight up to NYC for the bachelorette, flights for my fiance and I up to PA for the wedding, the hotel, the dress, plus everything else, it totalled $2000. As someone said earlier - I love my friend and am thrilled to be there, but Yikes! I definitely want to keep costs down for my BMs (and I fully intend to where I can), but part of me comes back to the phrase “payback’s a b*tch”… I’ve spent a lot of money to be in my friends’ weddings, which cuts down on the guilt I feel for making them spend some money for mine. Maybe this makes me a bad person…?
Wow. I think I had no idea how much it costs to be a BM because I’m usually the singer in my friends’ weddings– while I’m always thankful I don’t have to buy the BM dress I didn’t realize how much I’ve been saving on other stuff!
Like many of you, I’m trying to keep costs down for my girls. I couldn’t see making them spend $200 for a dress they might not wear again so they’re picking their own dresses in a specified color (navy)– one already had one, my sister may wear a dress of mine that she likes, and another one found something last weekend on clearance. That was what I had hoped! I’m not requiring hair or makeup, although I may offer to pay for hair for whoever wants it if my hairstylist is reasonable about it.
Another thing is my girls are spread out literally from west (san fran) to east (south carolina) coasts, so they’ll have to travel far just for the wedding itself. Although there will be showers and a bachelorette party, I’m making it clear I don’t expect them to attend. We’re having a semi-destination wedding weekend at a state park so I’m hoping to have quality time with them during that time. That’s really what having attendants is about for me– having my most favorite people stand up with me while I commit my life to my one love. Not perfect hairstyles or thousands of dollars on a bachelorette bash…
Miss Hot Cocoa, Boston/Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 31, JD/PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, Medical Student
Engagement Date: May 30, 2008
Wedding Date: March, 2009
Blogging Since: April, 2008
Venue: Ritz Carlton, Marina Del Rey
About Me:
I am a professional student by day and an amateur cupcake taster, bargain shopper, and wedding planner by night. I am obsessed with NPR, the Food Network, paper, dance shows, Anthropologie, post-structuralist theory, Weddingbee!, "The Office," and celebrity gossip. When not procrastinating from my dissertation, I spend time catering to Jellyby, our overly anxious shih tzu, and getting to know Mr. Hot Cocoa. We have only been dating for fifteen years, so it's like I'm in love with a stranger! From the East Coast, we are planning a Jewish-Chinese Extravaganza in L.A., where we both grew up.
I too worry about the expenses my maid’s will have to endure. I won’t be paying for their dresses, but I will make an effort to find them affordable dresses and shoes. I will provide the jewelry for them as part of their gift, mostly because I want them all to match but that’s one less thing for them to pay for. Additionally, there will be minimal travel involved for my girls, so that helps! I agree, being in a wedding is expensive but your true friends know this and I am sure they want to do it anyway! It’s a once in a lifetime thing that they wouldn’t want to miss!