Weddingbee

ed. note: Mr. Monkey has long since married, but he posted this to his personal blog, and I asked him if he minded whether I repost it here.

Ok - so I have a confession that I haven’t really shared before. As far as most of you know, my wedding went really well - it was a low key yet large church wedding and it was awesome. Both Mrs. Monkey andIi have only great memories about it - but here’s the big kicker that nobody that attended knew:

FACT: MY PANTS ALMOST FELL OFF DURING THE CEREMONY

No joke. It happened around the time the pastor was giving his message about the importance of marriage.

You see - when you rent a tux (like I did), they pretty much have a one size fits all type of pants. It’s all magical rubber bands, spandex and clips that keep those pants together. For some reason, the two silver clips that were hugging my waist both snapped open. Basically it loosened my whole pants at the waist and was levitating like a xwing fighter that meets yoda.

At that point, I was like “craaaaapp!!” Here I was - in the most important day of my life - in front of my church - in what’s supposed to be a very spiritual experience and I was going to ruin it with my pants falling down.

I had my hands crossed in front of me at the time, and I quickly grabbed my pants - trying to hide the fact I was..well, holding my pants.

I was debating the whole time whether I should lift my jacket and readjust - but didn’t want to risk showing my one pack to everyone I knew. So I decided to just hold. At this point, I’m sweating like crazy - sweating so much that I was actually angry at the candles that were lit near me. I WAS ANGRY AT CANDLES. This is what loose pants do to you!

Was this going to be an america’s funniest home video moment? I could imagine the whole thing - “Do you Miss Monkey take this man…” pants falls off.

And then - it got worse. This was probably the only time I was upset I was Korean. During a wedding, it’s tradition to walk to your parents, hug them and then bow with respect.

First - hugging meant I needed to let go to my lifeline called pants, and bowing meant my pants had a 33% chance of falling even more (I did the math - 33%).

So I shrewdly leaned over the pews to hug and pinned my pants up against the wooden rails to keep my pants up.

I’m a genius. But bowing - I dunno how it worked out, but the circumference of my body actually held it up naturally - let alone, I was grabbing my pants up too like a hawk’s talons.

Bottom line - it was pretty much undone the whole time - all the way til we walked out, where the second I exited, I quickly snapped it back in.

So there - I said it. Disaster diverted - wedding saved - Mr. Monkey is not featured in America’s Funniest Video either. So if you’re getting married, invest in a belt or safety pins. Married friends don’t let other married friends let their pants fall off.

The end.

• Toasting Flutes: Take One...
• Fastest Post in the West