Weddingbee Blog

For about a week now, I’ve been feeling… well, lost. Even during happy moments, pleasant surprises, or moments of would-be relief, I feel an underlying anxiety… or sadness… or both.

I’ve been chalking it up to hormones. And I’m sure that has a healthy part to do with it, considering my history. I’m also predisposed to bouts of melancholy, and those two combined can sometimes be a force which common sense cannot dissuade.

But tonight I finally admitted to myself that I’m afraid. Watching the news, hearing about the economy, the state of our union, and being smacked with the ways it’s affecting our well being is catching up with me. I’ve been in denial… ignoring or wishing away the truths that now are pummeling my heart and soul and tearing worry through my veins like adrenaline.

Starting this week, my hours at work are being reduced by two-thirds because of the economic downturn and I’ll have to file unemployment.

I’m still waiting to hear about the job I actually want, and applying like crazy for anything that fits. Mr. Meatball was unceremoniously laid off from his job a few months ago, and has yet to find a suitable replacement. Half of our wedding savings is in the stock market, and the losses over just the past month are startling and paralyzing.

I know I’m not alone in my quandary… I’m sure many of you out there are suffering even worse than we are, and I feel for you. But, my threshold for denial has reached critical mass tonight, and I’m finally letting the fear in, with the hopes that it will run its course and drain out just as suddenly as it overcame me. I especially need to try and let Mr. Meatball be there for me. It’s a tendency of mine to withdraw during times of great stress, and it doesn’t serve either of us when I shut him out and shut myself down.

I’ve heard it said that emotions are like a river—if you fight against the current, you’re more apt to exhaust and drown… but if you let yourself go and float downstream, the ride is much faster and less painful. So, I’m trying to float. There’s room on my life raft, if any of you would like to join me.

So, in light of that… and in the hopes that it will help me sleep a bit more soundly tonight, I’ve come to raise my head from the sand, own my fear, remember what I’m grateful for, and have listed the steps I’m taking to proactively move forward toward safety and comfort.

In no particular order:

• I am not homeless.
• I have great love in my life.
• I have family and friends who support, accept and love me unconditionally.
• I have writing as an outlet, and the support of the blogmunity. (Thanks guys!)
• I’m (mostly) healthy.
• I completed a script this week that has been in the works for two years, and have faith it will sell.
• I live in a beautiful city surrounded by nature.
• My dog gives kisses on command, and out of love.
• I exercised this morning, and I will again tomorrow.
• Tomorrow I am volunteering at a phone bank to call swing states and get out the vote.
• I have faith things will get better.
• I recognize that my perception of reality is partially obscured by a hormonal imbalance that will correct itself soon enough, if you know what I mean. And, ladies… I think ya do.

I need a long walk to enjoy the early LA autumn—which tonight has a crispness and clarity comfortingly reminiscent of the Midwest. That, and some pumpkin ravioli would be nice, too.

Has worry and fear of the future (personal or otherwise) gotten to you during your engagement?