Wedding Blog
Gosh, where to begin. On most wedding blogs, brides start their story with how they met their fiance. However, in my case (and some decent percentage of brides, if the statistics are to be believed), the journey started long before this man-to-whom-I’m-committing. I feel a bit disloyal starting before our beginning, to be honest.
I’ve been married before. I have been done this planning-a-wedding thing before and the wedded bliss did not last. Suffice it to say that some things were good, some things were bad, and it’s hard for me to set aside the worry and just be happy.
I married my first husband* in 2000 and we separated in 2005. We divorced in 2007 after living in separate cities for two years. We had as good a divorce as two people who loved each other can. I still think he’s great. He’s still proud of me.
After ending the destined-to-doom subsequent rebound relationship, I met my fiance in June of last year. In. A. Bar.
Seriously. We were engaged to be married on July 31 of this year. That’s my beautiful engagement ring, above! (I fast forwarded past dating to dating exclusively to my practically living at his house to talking about living together to accidentally buying a house to living together and getting a puppy, didn’t I? We’ll get to that, I promise.)
I love him. I adore him. I want my children to be just like him. This is the first man with whom I could even imagine having children, and once I imagined it, I could not get that dream out of my mind. I want to build a life with this man. I am building a life with this man. That’s the rainbows and butterflies part. He’s handsome and kind, loving, caring, hard working, a big ol’ softie for puppies and kittens and babies. He loves me well, and I learn from him every day.
Now, for reality. We struggle to communicate. We are more different than any of my boyfriends (and, ahem, that-guy-I-was-married-to) ever were, so I can’t take anything for granted or assume it’s understood. Also, this commitment thing freaks me out. He’s lived his whole life in the city where we reside. I changed cities every two years and apartments even more often. A year and a few months isn’t long enough to know everything about each other.
I worry and I obsess and I second-guess, but deep down in my heart and gut, I know I’m in the right place with the right man. He is my fiance and I can’t wait until he’s my husband.
What is one of the biggest struggles you’ve had to face as a couple?
* I knew that I was doing the right thing, and would be okay with this commitment to this man, when I started thinking of my ex-husband as my first husband.
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Share this post: The Journey… So Far
I think your approach to your second marriage is refreshing and mature. And kudos to you for being so straight forward with all of us readers about your previous marriage. Look forward to hearing more about your wedding!
I think your approach to your second marriage is refreshing and mature. And kudos to you for being so straight forward with all of us readers about your previous marriage. Looking forward to hearing more about your wedding!
I understand you so well. I am getting married to the best man ever and still we struggle. About the future and sometimes we argue just because we didn’t make the poit clear or the other one misunderstands something. Sometimes my friends wonder why we would marry if we struggle so much. But the reasons are the right ones.
@misspanda: Thanks for the support. I’m actually very relieved to hear this. I was a bit nervous about being so straightforward, but it is what it is and I make the best of it.
@Yvonne: Exactly! As our counselor has said (more on the couples counseling thing in a later post), there are two kinds of fights: those that are to get closer and those that are to push apart. Sometimes we just have to fight to figure out what the other person is saying, and it sucks, but *shrug* - whaddyagonnado?
I love your honesty and humor Miss Cheese! I am so excited to hear more from you.
“I want my children to be just like him.”
That line jumped out at me because last year, I read a relationship advice article say that you should never marry a guy unless you would be proud if you had a son just like him. I had never considered relationships from this POV before, and it really opened my eyes.
Everyone struggles, but like Yvonne said above, if the reason are the right ones, it’s worth it.
Welcome once again! Btw, gorgeous ring!
This will be my 2nd marriage as well. My last marriage was good and bad, but mostly bad. I have let it all go but
“I worry and I obsess and I second-guess, but deep down in my heart and gut, I know I’m in the right place with the right man. He is my fiance and I can’t wait until he’s my husband.”
I feel ya. We struggle to communicate too. Oddly enough we both knew that about about ourselves and spoke about it before we met in person. We made a pact to help the other, to encourage each other - to basically “set each other up for success” - as he says. Still, I worry about what that could mean for the future of our relationship. But we believe that we can beat the odds. We believe in us.
@Jessy: “We believe in us.” That was a big breakthrough for me, when I could say that I was fairly sure that we’d make it through the fight as a couple, and then when I was sure we would, and now that I have no doubts. I think, as long as we’re still fighting, we still engaged (pun not intended), interacting, fighting to stay together. If things get quiet, then I’ll worry.
I think I’ll have my wedding ring inscribed with just that word: believe. When things get tough, when I’m not sure how it’ll work out, when I want to run (that’s my MO), I want to be reminded to just believe.
@Mrs. Peony: I think I read that same article (on MSN, maybe?) — it changed my perspective too.
I said it in the intro-post and I’ll say it again - I’m so glad you’re here! Your basic story is SO much like mine. It’s nice to see another young woman with her head straight on her shoulders who just HAPPENS to have taken a stroll down the aisle in the past.
Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes for a wonderful marriage! I also think that your honesty and maturity are refreshing and welcome!!
Congrats, congrats! I’m so glad you’re here. And your e-ring is GORGEOUS.
@LL: I’m so glad to be on weddingbee for just this reason. I was so frustrated by not being able to find anyone on “the internets” who was talking about getting married… again. While us repeat brides are just like everyone else in terms of wanting to be happy and have a beautiful and meaningful wedding, we also have a past that we have to deal with. I don’t dwell on it, and I’m not a downer about it, but I have been married before and I’m finding a way to make that make sense in the story of my life. And, through trial and error (poor Mr. Cheese) I’m figuring out how to process my past while being joyful and hopeful today about tomorrow. It’s more than “to veil or not to veil” (though there IS that consideration!).
I’m reading your story and I’ve been hooked up. I’m looking forward to hear more!! Thank you for being so open, honest and straight with us. Congratulations on your engagement and btw, that ring it’s gorgeous!
@amysue: Thanks! I’ll post more about it later, maybe, for the lurkers who don’t have a ring yet!
Please do talk about couples counseling!! There seems to be such a stigma about it — like there’s something wrong with you and your relationship if you go to counseling. I have to say that it’s actually the best thing that my fiance and I ever did, and I consider us to have a pretty good relationship.
I am so thankful and excited that you are here, Miss Cheese. My story is similar in a lot of ways. Being young and divorced was hard to handle for a long time. However, I am now so thankful that I was married before because that relationship has better prepared me for the marriage that I am about to enter into. I learned that communication is essential, that appreciation for one and other is crucial, and I learned what I did and did not want in my second marriage. I really appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness about your relationship and what lies ahead (not just a wedding…but a MARRIAGE). I really look forward to reading your posts. Congrats!
I haven’t married before, but I was in a serious long term relation for such a long time that when I moved on and found the person I felt that I was supposed to be with, my mind was so clouded with doubt and confusion that it made things so much harder.
Reading your story is such an encouragement and I’m so excited that your sharing it with all of us. Plus, come on, I love any Bee who loves cheese : )
I think our biggest struggle was: were we marrying for the right reasons. As people, as a relationship we haven’t had to deal with any real big issues, we communicate but there are still misunderstandings, we argue at times too.
The biggest thing was long distance, it was hard to be without the other one. But what followed was having to make the decision: to get married so we could stay together.
I didn’t imagine that getting married would come down to that. I wanted to get married because I felt it was the right time and I wasn’t entirely ready.
We both had to overcome that feeling to realize that being together mattered more than our civil status. So we did it, we did it so we could stay together and continue to build our relationship and I don’t regret it and never have so far.
Oh and this is because I’m French and he is American and the only way for a couple to be together and apply for papers to allow you to stay in the US is a fiance visa or to be married.
I absolutely love your attitude about your relationship. I’m so glad you’ve found happiness 
You’re willingness to put yourself out there is really wonderful. The beauty of this community is the many different communities out there, and on a happy happy wedding site, no one wants to talk about divorce. I believe you have added an entirely new dimension that will help so many women. I’m so excited to hear about your wedding journey.
ms. cheese~ what is the center stone on your ring? is it a colored diamond or another gem? it’s gorgeous!
your post is refreshing & honest! thanks for sharing! =)
I love that we have a 2nd time bride. Such a refresher.
I have a question and it may be too personal and if it is please feel free to ignore.
But I often like to ask married people and divorced people how they knew they were with the one or why they thought they knew. I know many times on this site and in life in general people say they just knew or it felt right and most of us could never imagine being with anyone else. But don’t we all feel that way? And yet half end in divorce. How does one trust that what they are feeling is right?
What were your thoughts/feelings when you first got married towards your husband. Its easy to look back and play monday morning quarterback, but in the moment Did you feel like he was “the one,” could you imagine yourself with anyone else. Were you head over heels like you are now or did you enter with reservations?
You said above your new husband is the only one you’ve ever imagined having children with. Did it bother you that at the time of your first marriage that you couldn’t imagine yourself having kids with your first husband?
I’m truly asking just out of general interest in why people get married to begin with and why they get divorced. I understand if you don’t want to go into it.
Thank you, I love your honestly and your relationship w/ Mr. Cheese sound similar to mine w/ FH. FH is nothing like other guys I’ve dated and that is one of the reasons I love him. We struggle to communicate properly - but we are both aware of the problem and make an effort to work through it and that is why we work, b/c we want to Married ppl always say, “it’s work” and I think if you realize that before you get married you are in a much better stop to get married I hope that made sense :-/
Miss Cheese, your post was so heart-felt and touching. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m sorry that you’re confused and doubtful at times, but I think everyone goes through this. All paths are different, you are walking on yours with what seems like pure love and joy for this man you adore & admire, and that is going to take you to the end.
Hopefully, we the Weddingbee community, can be here for you! As Miss Avocado said- “you have added an entirely new dimension that will help so many women” and for that we are so thankful!
Welcome again Miss Cheese! You ROCK
It’s so great to have you here, Cheese! I love your description of your relationship, because despite the challenges there’s clearly so much love there. And that’s what this marriage thing is all about.
Also, am very much looking forward to hearing your perspective as a second-time bride. This isn’t something I usually say here (for the obvious reasons), but my parents were marriage therapists for many decades and always say that young marriages fail more often than not. When you’re barely into your 20s, you haven’t had as much life experience to help you figure out your own needs, much less know how to choose someone who meets those needs, much less know how to work through difficulties when they arise. By comparison, you now have a huge advantage because not only are you “older and wiser,” but you’re going into this with a clear picture of what it takes to make a marriage work. Speaking as a first-time bride, I’m actually embarrassed by how little I knew about the MARRIAGE end of this marriage thing, going in….
[P.S. Just so no one gets the wrong idea about what I'm saying, of course nothing says young marriages *can't* work. My grandparents were married at 18/20, over their parents' objections, and are still genuinely in love after 65 years!]
You’re cheesy and sincere; what a great combination! I love the honesty and complexity of your outlook on marriage — both the first and the second. And I can’t wait to read about the rest of your journey.
It’s so refreshing to see a blog post like this one on weddingbee. Thank you for making me feel I am not alone in getting confused or made mistakes. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure the road will be bumpy, but you’ll love sharing the rest of your life journey with the love of your life!
Aw, shucks, you guys are making me all teary (with relief! I wasn’t sure how this would go over)!
First, the ring questions (I promise to do about about it soon): the center stone is a sapphire in an unusual “vivid light lilac” color that I found at Fay Cullen (faycullen.com). I’ll go more into the reasons we chose this ring in a full post.
Baghdadbride — the quickest way to answer that is that I was young, and therefore wasn’t ready to think about kids and families. Also, I didn’t know what “marriage takes work” MEANT. I know now that it means holding my tongue when I’d rather let loose, supporting my guy when I disagree, choosing my battles, and being confident and independent enough not to be hurt right away. It’s giving him the benefit of the doubt and doing the uncomfortable thing because it’s best for us (not just me). It’s sucking it up and going to couples counseling (I have a post on that coming soon). It’s being willing to change to make our lives better. Being in a good relationship is a skill as much as it is an intent, and I lacked those skills the first time around. I’d always heard, “marriage is work” but I had no idea what that actually meant.
Many of my future posts will talk about the relationship skills I’ve learned and things I’m glad I know now that I didn’t know then.
I’m SO glad to be here. You guys all rock.
Thank you for such an honest and sincere post. You can’t be the only one going through this, so its important that you are here. Everyone here is so supportive, so don’t be afraid to share.
I’ll be following your blog for sure. It felt like we were old college friends and I sat down for coffee with you and caught up.
Your post was so honest and touching - thank you for sharing your story.
I agree with everything you said in comment #32!
Welcome, Miss Cheese!! Your description of what “marriage takes work” means above got me a little teary! I want to thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the insight you’ve shared so far (even just in this one post!) and I can’t wait to read your future posts. One of the biggest struggles my fiance and I face is communication as well, so I feel you on that. I get really concerned at times and scared that “what if it doesn’t work out”, but I think you’re right - better to be arguing than not talking! I’m so excited to hear all about your couples counseling! So great to have you here.
I’m a little late in responding, but wanted to thank you as well for your refreshing candor. Like you, I am on my second marriage. It took me a long, long time to come to terms with my past, but hating myself for mistakes made is not a state I can permanently reside in. With this marriage, the one meant to last, we made the decision to do counseling and it has been extremely beneficial. Had I done the same the first time around, the marriage would never have happened. I applaud you for telling it like it is! Too often we only present the glossy finish of our lives.
It’s so nice to hear from a bride who openly talks about the difficult side of being in a committed relationship. THANK YOU.
@gigglebride: Aw, thanks! I spend a lot of time thinking about what I need to do to make our relationship work (blame it on the fact that I’m having to process my failed relationship), so I’m glad to hear that you want to hear more about that!
@cme: Thanks! “Hating myself for mistakes made is not a state I can permanently reside in” — exactly. I’ve also struggled to be able to move on with my new (amazing) relationship without feeling bad about my past screw-ups.
@Erin: Thank YOU! I’m SO relieved that my candor was well-received. It’s not always, ya know!
[...] a dork with that thing (pointing upwards) as my engagement ring. I got quite a few questions when I first showed y’all this picture, so I’m going to take you through my ring saga, as [...]
[...] a dork with that thing (pointing upwards) as my engagement ring. I got quite a few questions when I first showed y’all this picture, so I’m going to take you through my ring saga, as [...]
I’m handwriting my invites, too!
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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