Wedding Blog
Mrs. Hydrangea posted recently about her decision to change her name in a rather unusual way, and it got me thinking about my name decision (ahem, more like a non-decision). Having been married before, I’ve done the name change thing (and then reversed it). The whole thing was awful. When I first adopted my new married name, I felt lost, like all of my history up to that point had been wiped out, even though I was 21 at the time. Then when I reverted to my maiden name, I was even more devastated. In the years I was married, I graduated and my career really took off. Suddenly, the plaques and awards on my wall were in a different name. “That’s not me anymore!” I’d think each time I’d look at them… but I’d left my maiden name so long before that it didn’t feel right either. And I won’t mention the awkwardness of being congratulated by coworkers (whom I obviously didn’t know very well) on my marriage when in fact my name changed because of the d-word.
In desperation, I did the only thing I could. I decided that my real name, my true identity, was my first name. Gone went multi-letter monograms. I’ll take just my first initial, the “M”, thankyouverymuch. My last name is evidently dynamic, but my first name won’t change.
Now I have the freedom to choose to take Mr. Cheese’s last name… or not. He’s pretty firmly on the name-change side of the fence, and I’m pretty firmly ON the fence. I would love for my future children and my current pets to share my last name; as a side benefit, his last initial is the same as my first initial, so the single letter monograms are still useful! On the other hand, I don’t want to change my name professionally again.
If I worked for a different company, I’d change my name personally but keep my name professionally. {Side note: which one becomes your legal name? If it’s the personal name, how do you handle your taxes at work? If it’s the professional name, how will you sign your kids’ permission slips?} Unfortunately, at my very large corporate employer, your identity is dictated by your tax records. If my name changes legally, so do my email address, IM name, corporate directory, and business cards.
I’m leaning toward changing my name once I have kids. We’ll call that the procrastinator’s solution. But then I wonder, when, exactly? When I find out I’m pregnant? When the child is actually born? And not to be too pragmatic, but what a mess to change my name while dealing with insurance and doctors and hormones! Ugg, I also dread bringing my personal life into my professional life again by changing my name. I deal with hundreds of people, and every one would have to be notified of my new name.
So, for now, I’m not deciding. The beauty of engagement is that it gives you (me) the opportunity to ponder these dilemmas while not forcing you (me) to decide immediately. I suspect that in the end, I’ll take Mr. Cheese’s last name, but I’m holding off on checking that one off the list.
What are your plans regarding your last name? Will you take your fiance’s name or keep your own? Will you hyphenate or have you come up with some other hybrid solution? Details, please! I’m a practical gal!
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I tried to get my fiance to agree to change his last name to mine, but he was outraged. Funny how it’s perfectly okay to expect me to change my last name to his. I’m three weeks from my wedding and I’m STILL undecided. *shrugs*
I took my (now) husbands last name. We’ve been married just under a month now, and personally I go by his last name. Professionally and legally I am still K Maidenname. This is because in Ontario (Canada) where I live, you cannot file for your marriage certificate until 90 days after the wedding. You need your certificate to do any name changes. And you don’t even get your certificate right away when you file for it, so it’s looking like I will (legally) be K Maidenname until about February or March of 2009.
I made the decision to take his name for a few reasons - #1 - I just always figured I WOULD take his name. #2 - I want our family to have a unified last name. I will be honest though, I am sad to think that my maiden name will soon be mine no longer - I LOOOOVE my naiden name. I am lucky that it would also work as a first or middle name, and my husband has agreed that our first child (girl or boy) will have it as their middle name 
**Maiden** NOT naiden
I will be hyphenating my name, most likely or leave it the way I was born. His last name is too common for me. Plus my family tends to be a little vain when it comes to the family name. Also he really doen’t care one bit as long as his son is named after him (which is an issue).
Like you Cheese, I’ve been married and then divorced. Instead of taking my maiden name back after the divorce I kept my married last name. We didn’t have kids so that’s not the reason I kept it. I just felt like that’s who I was now instead of the me with my maiden last name. I know a lot of people thought is was strange and my ex was really upset I didn’t give it up. Just wondering if I’m the only one who has done this?
Cheese I feel for you. Name changing is not only a hassle (obviously at your job) but it seems to me that it takes away some of your identity too. Tough situation..
I LOVE my last name! It is so unique and holds strong family ties to our “motherland” (Italy) and I think it just sounds great with my first, which is equally unique.
I have decided to keep it as a second middle name. In the wonderful, yet corrupt state of Illinois, almost anything is possible! Heck you can legally change your name just by starting to go by it! (I looked into all this after reading Hydranges’a post).
So now when I get married, I will have 4 “first” names, since both of our last names can be first names too! That’s fun!
I will be taking his name. My middle name has been down 3 generations of girls, so my first girl will get that, and although the boy needs to start with a ‘B’ as is tradition in his family, I may make the middle name incorporate my maiden name somehow 
Another Canadian here… well, American living in Canada, married to a Canadian. For now, I’m socially Mrs. White, but professionally and for government purposes (both American and Canadian), Ms. Maiden-Name. I do eventually want to switch it fully to his, when I’m not in a province that makes you pay $300 to switch, but for now, this works.
I am glad you posted about this because I am VERY confused. This might be in part because I am in GA, but I am having a hard time finding/getting a straight answer when it comes to changing my name after marriage. I even posted the question on Yahoo answers just a second ago!
I applied for a marriage license, and in two weeks I am getting married. I would like to change my name. When and where do I list the new name? My marriage License has my ‘current’ name. There’s only room for the signature of the officiant.
When I get married I will send that off and a few weeks later I will receive the marriage Certificate. Is this where I print my new name? On the Certificate? I am confused as to WHEN/WHERE I am supposed to list my new name. I even read somewhere that you can change your name entirely when you marry.
I’m taking FI’s name. We never really talked about but I’m fairly traditional.
I am going to use my last name as my middle name at work (so my signature on e-mail and documents will be name maiden FI’s last without hyphens. We have a small company so my old e-mail can point to my new e-mail (we use first and last initials) so that I won’t loose contact with people.
One of the plusses with changing my name is that FI’s name is much easier to spell and say for people instead of my tounge twisting Italian name.
My maiden name will become my middle name and I will take my future husbands name as my new last name. That way regardless of what I do professionally, each name is still valid.
Besides, I’m not nearly as attached to my middle name as I am to my maiden name. It just makes sense and I don’t have to hyphenate, I can just choose to use one or both names as it seems appropriate.
I’m dropping my maiden name and taking his personally and professionally. I’m sure I’ll experience a slight identity crisis, but I think it will all work out in the end. I agree with you about the first name. That’s a great point of view!
The more I think about it the sadder it makes me. My sister and I are the last to have our names. So it ends with us, my dad only had a sister and my grandpa’s brother died in WWII. Also one of my uncles has a nickname for me because of my initials JAS (so he calls me Jazz). I even jokingly, semi serious, asked fiance if he would change his name since he has a brother but he didn’t like that idea. I never thought I would have an issue with it but the family name ending is sad.
Pumpkin, Cheese, I am divorced too. I kept the married name because I had used it for TEN YEARS and everyone in my current city knows me by that name. It was my identity and it felt traumatic to change my name back to Maiden after a traumatic divorce. My ex’s family is mad about it and my ex is mad about it. oh well.
I can’t wait to get remarried and change it to a happy name! *In my case,* my name change shows the world I am happily joining my husband and we’re creating a new family.
Oh I thought long and hard about this one…but when it comes down to it, I wanted our kids to have the same last name as both of us.
Ugh, I went through that too when I changed from my first married name back to my maiden name where people who didn’t know me that well congratulated me on getting married and I was put in the awkward position of explaining that I got a divorce. (Man, that was a long run-on sentence.)
The first time I did First Maiden Last, and that’s what I’ll be doing again this time. I was never fond of my middle name, so it gives me an excuse to drop it, while still keeping my maiden name in there. I’ve always wanted my family to have the same last name, so there was really no question in my mind.
Plus I get to confuse my coworkers some more! (Although they all know I’m getting married now, so hopefully no one will be too confused this time.) 
@Pumpkin: I thought about keeping it, but it always felt on loan anyway, so I needed to give it back.@Jessy: the name change process is typically an additional step over and above getting married. You take your marriage cert (which has your maiden name, who you are legally at the time you marry) and take it to the SS office to change your last name. Somewhere I have a link to a state-by-state listing of what you have to do. I’ll hunt it down tonight and post it here.
I do not plan to take my fiance’s name. I love the anonymity of my last name, and more importantly, I love that it’s my name. I have an established career with my name. It is MY name. My fiance is completely fine with this, and we plan to give any children we may have my last name.
It is always so strange to me to read or hear about men who feel so passionately and strongly about having their wives take their names. These men loved these women when they had their maiden names, why should they care whether the women choose to keep or change their names post-marriage? I just don’t get it. You are not any less married - or any less in love - if you have different names. I could never be with someone who felt so strongly about me wanting to take his name. That would not jive with my feminist beliefs.
I do not “look” like my new last name, at all. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’ve tried it on a few times at the valet or at the host station waiting for a table, and I get a double take every time. It’s very Chinese and my maiden name is very German (read: white girl). However, it’s sort of fun….like a secret spy game or something. That was dorky. Sorry.
I am EXTREMELY attached to my last name.
I’ve gone by last name only since high school, since a bunch of my friends and I all have similar first names, so it was easier to differentiate by using my last name, and it STUCK. To the point that there are people who have known me for years and are always confused if someone refers to me by my first name, any version of it.
If FI can’t get my attention in a crowded place by using a pet name or my first name, all he has to say is my last name and I’ll jerk my head around immediately.
We’re going on a Mediterranean cruise in June 09, so the tickets are booked with my maiden name on them, and I don’t have to think about it until then.
As a perfomer, your name is kind of a big deal, especially when registering with a union. I think professionally, I may combine last names (I’ve considered just dropping my first name entirely, but that’s just a little too strange). Personally though, I think I’ll be Mrs. Hislastname, I really like both of our last names, so it’s a win-win I suppose.
People (my friends) are never going to stop calling me by my last name anyway.
thank you for posting some of the very same things I’m thinking/feeling regarding the “name”. If you’d asked me when I was younger (20’s) I would have had the traditional response….however now in my 30’s (and marrying for the first time) I feel like my name is so very engrained into who I am. Especially professionally…..so I’m firmly on the fence as well!
@E: You’re giving your kids YOUR last name? Congrats to the mister for being an open-minded guy (and to you for choosing him)!
it was less complicated for me, as i’m not at all tied to my maiden name - my brother is the only one that still shares it, so there isn’t the same sense of heritage/identity that is important to some people. i’m also less established at work, so changing now makes sense, especially given my lack of attachment. in my case, taking on a new last name is a way for me to re-connect to a strong family identity.
while unconventional, i think having both partners change names entirely or taking the maiden name as the family name is a perfectly valid solution. strong disapproval is just hypocritical - if it is fine for a woman to give up her name, why is it such a huge deal for a guy to do the same? grrr. if i were tied to my maiden name, this is probably the solution i would explore. if my hubby were upset, i would certainly suggest he examine his reasons behind that emotion.
I’ve been married 3 months and I STILL haven’t decided what I’m going to do.
I’m definitely taking my future husband’s last name. After all, the only reason I have the name I do now (and that my whole family has the same name), is because my mother took HER husband’s name when they got married.
I am going through a really hard time transitioning into my “new name.” I LOVED my “old” name. It was/is me…
With being only married less than a month, I am in the awkward still use my “old” name to sign check, credit cards, legal stuff, but I am using my “new” name professionally. The “new” name fits funny, and I don’t really like it.
I took Mr. Cookie’s name because it was really important to him, but I am having some BIG second thoughts about the name thing…
I’ve decided I’ll be “Mrs. K” in name only. I’m not a big fan of it, it sounds funny (I’d be KK), and I feel like my name is a huge part of my identity.
Legally, professionally I will remain “Ms. R” I prefer it. It will probably be interesting when family figures out that legally I’ve retained my own name, but I’ll deal with it. I already have a daughter with him and she has his last name. It does make for some mess, but nothing I can’t deal with.
I plan for the officiant to say “I have the pleasure of introducing K & J, finally married.” I figure people will focus more on the “finally” bit (because it will be finally) rather than the other.
I’m divorced also. So I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I have kids(girls) so I kept my ex-married last name when I divorced, and when I got re-married this past july I felt like no one would know who I was. (I commented under Mrs. Hydrangea’s post about that). But in regards to your questions:
” how do you handle your taxes at work?” For me, I’ve talked to my tax advisor and was told it was all driven by my SS# so I didn’t need to worry. New name change or not as far as work goes.
“If it’s the professional name, how will you sign your kids’ permission slips?” - I laughed at this. It reminded me of “Welcome Back Kotter” and Epstein’s notes: Epstein was out sick yesterday. Signed, Epstein’s Mother. LOL!!
The biggest issue for me was money I still get from my ex for property we owned together that he owes me for. He won’t put them in my new last name just because he’s pissy. I went to my bank and they told me not to worry, just sign the old last name above the new last name and viola!
I guess it all depends on how YOU feel. (sorry I took up so much comment space!) 
My husband and I argued a lot about the name change situation. I wasn’t going to change it — not because I’m a feminist, but because I’m a scientist. None of the women I work with have changed their name, from the PI level down to the technicians, so it never dawned on me to even think about changing my name. I already have publications out, and professionally, I wanted to be tied to them. Since most women in science keep their maiden name, it was just what I planned on doing, and I never thought it was going to be an issue.
Well, it was. My husband hated it. He claimed we wouldn’t be a “family.” And then his “mentor” (a mostly-wonderful man who took him under his wing when my husband’s father died when my husband was only 9) fed him some bullshit idea that the reason I didn’t want to change my name was because I was keeping one foot in the door for divorce. While my husband thankfully didn’t believe it flat out… it still stuck under his skin a little. He argued the whole thing about how our children won’t feel like they are my children if we have different names (which I don’t believe), etc etc.
So, long story short, I legally hyphenated. I know it’s not for a lot of people, and my last name is now long — too long for a lot of forms. But, it gives me the option of picking and choosing. Of course, for all important paperwork, I go by the full hyphenation. But professionally, I can keep my maiden name, which is tied to my publications. And in my personal life, when we someday have children, I can sign their permission slips with just my husband’s last name — the name my children will have. I can use either name, or both together. Aside from a really long name (and a lot to sign on credit card receipts!), it wound up being the best solution.
Sure, I’d rather have just kept my maiden name, and my husband would have rather me just taken his name, but marriage is all about compromise, right?
I LOVE my name, like a LOT! I’ve been torn about changing it but FH was SUPER offended when I told him I wanted to hyphenate my name. So we’ve decided that I will change my name and our children will have my last name as their middle name One of the main reasons we decided that is b/c my maiden name will end with my sister.
I kept my last name. I’m lucky to have a husband who is openminded about that sort of thing. Everyone asks me why I would keep it, and I don’t really have an answer. My last name immediatley makes peope smile (it’s a goofy last name) and is a great ice breaker. When I went in for my Air Force Officer interview the person interviewing me immediatley laughed and it was great, he warmed up to me. My huband went in for his interview a few weeks prior and it was difficult for him to connect with the same person at first.
I think you should do what feels right. You both could change your last names!
I can’t decide either… I don’t feel like it is fair for me to just drop any name completely & him not do anything…
I was also surprised when my fiance made a big deal about me not wanted to change my name. He is otherwise not very traditional but he was very hurt when I meantioned it. He felt like his name was really the only thing he had to give to me, and that by keeping my name I was refusing his because he wasn’t good enough or something.
I told him that it was because I already had one, and felt like it was less like a gift and more like a label slapped on my back.
Now we’re thinking that I will be first, middle, maiden, husband’s last, and he will be first, middle, my last, his last
I am agonizing over this too, thanks for posting! My thoughts: 1. He is not changing his name, why should I? 2. But when we have kids, it would be nice to all have the same name. 3. Ideally, I would hyphenate, but we both have REALLY long, complicated names. 4. Maybe I will just wait a few years, see how I feel and maybe change it when we have kids. 5. But if I wait, it could get more complicated. IF I change it, I should probably change it BEFORE we have kids, buy a house together, etc. I have also heard social security, etc, gives you a hard time if you change it after a few years. Not sure if that is true. 6. Maybe I will do what Julieulie wrote about - hyphenate legally but just use one name or the other most the time. That’s a new idea for me - can you really do that?
I am not changing my name. It helps that my FH also feels pretty strongly that I keep my own name. I realize there’s some irony in keeping what is my father’s name but not taking my husband’s from a feminist perspective, but at least my maiden name is the one I was born into. I definitely understand the kids issue, but I think that they, whenever I have them, will still very much be mine…it doesn’t really matter to me what their last name is. I am fine with it just being FH’s. My mom and my FMIL are not that happy about it, though. Hyphenating does make sense in my case, because my name is long and they just don’t flow together well at all. About 20% of women now do not change their name, so it’s not so uncommon as it was a few decades ago, when only about 3-4% decided to keep their own name. Good luck with your decision!
My issues with the name change have many levels. For one- I’m the daughter of a mother and father with different last names. My mom didn’t change her name because of her profession as an artist. I never felt like we weren’t family or united or anything. Yes- I got a few weird looks at first, but that stopped in elementary school.
Now I’m getting married and I have the name crisis.
My last name stops with my sister and me (like jennred782). So my last name is really important to me and I’ve had my mother to look up to as far as keeping my own name.
The fiance on the other hand grew up with a hyphenated name- and while it was a great solution at the time- let me tell you- now that we’re getting married we have no idea what to do with our names. All three are long and do NOT flow together.
Let’s not even go there about what we’re gonna do about kids.
My FI and I have had a couple long talks about this. He would really prefer that I take his name, and I am pretty set on not changing mine. I was honestly surprised that he wanted me to do such a thing, since few women in his profession do, and he’s pretty feminist himself. However, he likes the whole “unity” concept, which has always seemed like a lot of hooey to me, so it’s one of the few things we disagree on.
When I explained to him that I though it was really unfair of him to ask me to give up a part of myself and make such a difficult change without him making a reciprocal sacrifice and change, he finally seemed to understand where I was coming from…at least more than before. I threw in some discussion of the doctrine of coverture and he bent a little more
If he agreed to also change his name so that we shared both our last name and the emotional havoc of changing it, I’d be a LOT more receptive to the idea. The problems with that plan are that he is not a US citizen, so there could be hassles if he changes — both here and in his home country — and that our names are both 10+ letters long, so hyphenating is kind of unrealistic. I’m sure we’ll come up with something that works for us, but I’m equally sure that it won’t end with me blindly shuffling along with “tradition.”
Well, I guess I hadn’t ever even thought about any of the issues here, because I was lucky enough that my FI has never questioned my devotion to my maiden name.
It’s not so much that I like it so much, or that I don’t like his, but it’s(as mentioned multiple times previously), the fact that I happen to be a physician, and all my professional degrees are in my maiden name. In addition, to some degree, I feel that if I worked so hard to get here, I should not suddenly be giving credit to someone else!
Lastly, since I am Chinese, normally there’s two ways of referring to a married woman - “Mrs. So and so” or “First and maiden,” depending on the circumstance. In my case, I am the only physician in the family, and I felt it was important to “keep the honor” in the family by keeping my name. In Chinese culture, if you marry and take on the husband’s name, your family can no longer claim any of your successes as part of their family legacy.
Well, that’s just my two cents! I didn’t realize how complicated this can be! I guess I’m just lucky my FI and I never had an issue with it!
I always assumed I would take my husband’s name when the time came, but now that it’s here I really do not want to change my name. It’s so important to me as I’m really close to my family, and the family name is dying out. It’s also really unique (and short and easy to spell!), which makes me want to keep it even more. The one issue I’m having is that I want to share the same name with my kids. I mentioned this to my fiance, who doesn’t want our kids to have my last name. 
I am jealous of “E” that your fiance is agreeing to that!
@kathy: Yes, you can legally hyphenate and use one or the other. Of course, on your legal documents, you have to use the full hyphenation — credit cards, airline tickets, etc. But like I said, I’m using my maiden name for work, and my married name socially. And after I had decided I was going to do it, one of my friend’s mothers told me she did the same thing, which I never knew — professionally, as a doctor, she has always been Dr. Maiden to her patients. Socially, she has always gone by her married name, which was how I knew her. Legally, she is hyphenated. Aside from people thinking it was a little odd, she’s had no legal issues doing it this way for the past 30 years, as long as she remembers to use the full hyphenated version for all legal and important paperwork.
@julieulie: This is brilliant, and an idea I’m seriously considering. In fact, it’s blowing my mind how perfect this solution might be.
@Miss Cheese: Honestly, I’d recommend it. Like I said in my original comment, personally I would have wanted to keep my maiden name, and he would have wanted me to change my name, but as a compromise, it has been perfect. Legally, I’m Maiden-Married (except way longer). Driver’s license, social security, passport, credit cards, airline tickets, health insurance, etc. At work, I’m just Maiden, and I can retain ties to my previous publications. My parents, since they know I hyphenated, send me mail to Maiden-Married (and I think they like using my Maiden name since I’m the last person in the family to carry it on), but everyone else just thinks of me as Married since they presumed I just changed my name, and socially, that’s fine. It’s like I get to pick and choose what name to use where, as long as I use both names on the important stuff.
So it sounds like it would be a really good compromise for you as well. Professionally, you’d get to stay who you are and not deal with the hassle of changing again. But for the reasons you wanted to change, you’d have the same name as your family. And they’d both be your legal name!
My mother was married and took my father’s name. Then divorced, but kept her married name (which was my last name). Then remarried and took her second husband’s name. Then broke with her parents and changed her FIRST name, as a symbol. And many years later, divorced her second husband. At that point, neither her maiden name nor her married names made sense, so she made up a new last name of her very own.
Grand total: 5 different names. She jokes that she wants “A/K/A” on her tombstone. (That one cracks me up every time!)
I had the same situation, however, if I changed my name legally, I had to change my name professionally… and in the military, it is about three times as difficult and laborious to change your name. Like you, this was my third name change *sigh. I, however, enjoyed the second change (back to Maiden) and was sad about having to change it again, which the DH did not react well to. I tried to assure him that we could be known socially as Mr. and Mrs. Married, because we work out of different bases, but he attested that it was still a jab at his ego. Even hyphenating made him uncomfortable… even though none of his peers would ever see my driver’s license or passport. You should do what you both feel comfortable with.
I can’t believe how many of you have no qualms about marrying a man who pressures you to take his name. Talk about a giant red flag. Seriously, it’s horrifying.
@julieulie: I thought about this all night, talked it over with the mister, and it’s what I’m leaning toward. I’ll have to check with The Company For Whom I Work (while not blogging, sssshhhh), but I love it. My backup plan is to be First Maiden Married. I’ll post about my hispanic-ness later, but I also want my kids to have evidence of that in their names, so perhaps my maiden name can be their middle names. Anyway, thanks for the great idea.
@Lina: I think of it this way: everyone has something that they looked forward to in terms of marriage, and for many men, it’s their wife taking their name. Just like a beautiful dress and veil can make a woman feel like a bride, a common name can make him feel like a family. I’m not saying that men won’t come around, but (like everything) it takes discussion and a willingness to face the assumptions we each have. I’m also not reading that any men are PRESSURING women, only that they’re uncomfortable, disappointed, or unhappy about it.
And, to be honest, I do look forward to changing my name. If I really didn’t want to, I’m sure the mister would eventually be okay with that, but I kind of want to. I’m sure that comes into play with other people too.
@Lina: What’s such a giant red flag about a man who wants you to change your name? My husband has never pressured me to do anything else, ever. He knows my career comes first. We’re going to have 2-3 years of a long-distance marriage because of our careers, and he has never once pressured me to give it up so I can move with him next year. He’s in training to be a radiologist, and most of the radiologists he works under have stay-at-home wives to take care of the children. I know that deep down he thinks it would be easier if that happened, and with his salary I would never need to work, but he has told me directly that he would be more disappointed if I gave up my career just to please him, because he knows that I would consider it to be a giant waste to have gone through all these years of graduate school to never contribute to science.
His father died when he was 7, and his only real attachment to his father is his last name, which is why it means so much to him, and means so much to him that his family — his ENTIRE family — meaning his wife and children — share it with him. I may not completely agree with the name change, but just because we disagree on this one aspect, I don’t understand why this is a “horrifying” giant red flag.
My maiden name is so long and complicated. I was hoping to marry a Smith or Jones but it didn’t work out. I’m assuming Mr Breezy’s last name which is just as long, though a bit less difficult to spell. I’m looking forward to being on Team Breezy!
Well, I can relate on several levels. I am also divorced, and used my ex’s name socially, though I never took it legally. I had always planned to change my name at least by the time we had children (which,fortunately in this case, did not happen). I put it off for several reasons. First, I was still on college and I had heard many stories of girls at my univ. who spent years trying to get it worked out on paper. Second, I have a very unique last name that people tend to remember. As I was reliant on scholarships, etc. I wanted to keep whatever edge, even imagined, it might give me among the smiths and joneses. Most importantly, my ex-husband didn’t care.
I was lucky because I didn’t experience the married name stripping that some of you have described, making a divorce all that much more heartbreaking. Although I used his name for many things, I still felt I was Ms.Mylastname as well. Now that I’m remarrying, I’m excited to take my fiance’s last name. However, I’m still a a little torn.
My maiden name is unique, as I said, and is two words, one last name, no hyphen. I love my name and would like to keep it in some form, but it’s impractical as a middle name, as it already is two words. My middle name is my mother’s name, and I would hate to give that up either. I think I’ll probably go traditional because I’d rather leave my family name by tradition than my mother’s name by choice.
You should do what feels comfortable for you and you FH. Yes, take his feelings into consideration and maybe it is your first difficult compromise. I also had many discussions with people. I kept Exlastname after my divorce because it is a unique name (as is my maiden) and it made him happy for me to keep it. I have been working for 5 years and even my college degree shows exlastname. I talked with a number of women at work both who have gone back to a maiden name, kept exlastname (with children), and those who never took his name in the beginning. All of them told me to consult my feelings and his. We together decided on First Middle Maiden Hislast, with two middle names. Yes, it is a beautiful last name I am giving up, but it is always a little awkward to have to tell people no, I am not Italian, my exhusband is. Besides, if people have to describe me to find out what my new name is, it isn’t that hard to find me in the company as a female very specialized engineer with LONG hair, even though we have over 100,000 employees! It will definitely make for good stories.
My Husband took my name. I was fine with us having two different names and I just really didn’t want to change mine. He wanted us to both have the same name so this is the logical solution. My only regret is other people’s reactions. It’s completely inappropriate for others to make judgments about our relationship, his masculinity or mine simply based on what last name either of us go by.
Ya know, I didn’t think about this before, but some of my discomfort at keeping my exlastname after we split was that I’m Hispanic and his last name was Italian. It was kind of fun, when we were married, to tell people that my husband was Italian, but not so fun later. People didn’t know how to react, whether to be sorry about my divorce or whatever.
Mr. Cheese’s last name is Caucasian, and I’m a little hesitant to lose the heritage that comes with my name. On the other hand, I will not be changing my name after this (no big D in the cards for this marriage), so it’ll be the last time. Perhaps my kids can have my maiden name as their middle name?
Thanks, y’all, for weighing in with your thought processes, experiences, and decisions. The beauty of this site is that no matter what, you find out you’re not alone!
@Amber: That totally sucks. People are terrible.
[...] tip to julieulie for offering a unique solution to the last name dilemma I posted about here: So, long story short, [...]
Hyphenating seemed to work well for mother cheese, and I can still call her Mrs. [insert her maiden name here] without feeling uncomfortable. Your clients could still call you by Mrs. [insert your maiden name here] and any future plaques and whatnot will have your name. If/when I get married, I think it would be nice for my wife (if she chooses to do so) and kids to have the names of both of their parents. Not to mention the fact that your maiden name brings along with it a distinct cultural identity (I don’t know how important that is to you, but just a thought). PS. I love your posts. It’s like hearing you tell a story in real life.
I’m excited to take his name because my name has been butchered my entire life. It is a long, Italian monstrocity. He has a shorter Italian name (even though he is Black strangely enough…) which will be much easier. I do regret the loss of my initials. Right now they are JBC which flows so nicely to me, and they will become JBA which makes me feel like I’ve Just Been Announced.
A little boy often heard thumping noises from his parent’s bedroom. One night, he crept from his bedroom and peeked into his parents bedroom and saw his mom on top of his dad.
The next day he told his mom what he saw and wanted to know what she was doing on top of his dad. His mother was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. She tried to make it look very casual.
She said, “Oh, your daddy is too fat, so I was trying to slim him down.”
The boy then immediately replied, “It’s no use because the lady next door comes around when you’re not in to blow him up again.”
[...] 2: I didn’t head off to change my name as happily as I might have suggested. I’m still slightly ambivalent. But I want my kids to have the same last name as my husband and I, so I’m going with the [...]
[...] note 2: I didn’t head off to change my name as happily as I might have suggested. I’m still slightly ambivalent. But I want my kids to have the same last name as my husband and me, so I’m going with the [...]
You need to make sure that you moisturize your skin so that your chances for wrinkles are lower at a young age. As we get older you will definitely get wrinkles. The only thing that we can do is to try and slow down the process and minimize the damage.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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