Wedding Blog
The shadow of your former loves and lives follows you into any relationship. The stakes are upped when the previous relationship was a marriage, and it (obviously) failed. Who doesn’t love a “first”? First kiss, first love, first bite, first sip. “I’ve never done this before, been here before, felt like this before.” The “I’ve never” makes it special. But what if you have?
I have been engaged before, and I was pretty good at it. Do I have regrets? Yes, a few, and this is a great chance for a do-over. I wish that I’d been more sentimental, spiritual, connected. I wish that I’d felt the weight of my commitment and been able to say that I went ahead and got married anyway. I wish that I could say that I looked forward and saw difficult times and difficult moments and pledged myself and my life to my man with eyes wide open. I wish that I remembered our ceremony better, that I felt something (anything!) other than embarrassment and impatience. I wish that I’d known myself better, known him better, known the future better. So my “something new” is to revel in my sentimentality, be unapologetic about my spiritual needs, and feel the full weight of our future rather than avoid the uncomfortable feelings.
My “something old” is to get ahead of myself and screw it all up. Welcome to the real world, folks, where you can move on from anything but yourself.
I’m a take-charge kind of girl. I’m a planner. I’m a tactical soul. I’m the product of generations of dysfunctional marriages (and successful divorces). This isn’t an excuse, only an acknowledgment. I get ahead of myself when I’m excited, screech back to a full stop when I’m disappointed, and in the depths of my soul I fear (and expect) being abandoned.
He mentioned marriage months and months ago. My heart skittered* in discomfort. Do I want to be married again? What’s wrong with living in a permanent state of sin? Can I be married again… successfully? Is it fair to my ex-husband to get it right with someone else? (The worries aren’t necessarily logical, eh?) Will I jinx it by thinking about it? Are we ready? What’s the point of marriage? Do we know each other well enough? Can I be faithful to him… forever? Will I be stuck in this city forever? Does he really know and love me, the shitty, not nice, stressed out, yucky me?
I came around. I love this man. I want my children to be like this man. I’ve never thought/ said/ considered the phrase “my children” before loving this man. My man is a great, good, solid, wonderful, worthy-of-my-admiration kind of a man. Why wouldn’t I want to marry him? I’d love to call him my husband, love to feel the stability that being stuck together forever incurs, love to make a vow (and then keep it). I want the chance to be a good wife this time.
We talked time line. In retrospect, he expressed his discomfort at any kind of a time line, but I passed it off as time line-discomfort—the kind that planning will alleviate, ya know. I dithered around looking at rings. Freaked the hell out about making a decision. Waffled, flip-flopped, panicked. Screeched my distress at my boyfriend. I cried. Finally chose a ring (which he promptly purchased, unbeknownst to me) and then panicked some more. Ruined his surprise. Set a deadline for getting engaged. (*cringe*) Lost my shit when he didn’t meet it. Had many hurt feelings…
{time to cut the ugly train wreck short, partially in a sad attempt to be concise but mostly because I’m embarrassed}
… Then we had to back up. Take a deep breath, remember what’s most important, make it right. While nothing changed to the world, we went into pause mode in terms of planning anything. The ball went back in his court, and we agreed that he would take back my ring until we got through the drama, then we’d pick up where we left off. This step was just between us, as token step to replace a stressful memory with a good one. And, as tough as it is for me to let go, release control, and trust someone else with my life, it’s our life now. I trust him with my heart, so I trusted him with this.
It worked! In a quiet moment in the clearing where we’ll be married next spring, my wonderful man presented me with my ring, again. I won’t take it off, not in that way, ever again.
Lesson: do not get ahead of yourself. Getting ahead of yourself does not, will not, cannot give you a free pass past the uncomfortable business of dealing with and closing the books on your past. Learn from your past and be better at the present not by skipping past everything but by doing the hard thing (and for me, that’s being patient). The point of an engagement, I believe, is to give you practice at living life together. You have to make decisions together, catalog your histories and your families, navigate new relationships with in-laws, focus on each other and your new relationship while standing together in the face of the drama, and GET TO THE END OF THE THING. The wedding day is the beginning of a marriage, but it’s also the end of the test that is can-we-succeed-as-a-couple.
Everyone loves a first, but me? I love a “last,” too: the last sip of coffee, the last lick of ice cream, the last day of school… and this guy, the last man I’ll ever kiss.
Can you relate?
*skittered: a screech without the sound, like your body skittering down a not-wet-enough Slip ‘N Slide.
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Share this post: Something Old, Something New
Wow, thanks for sharing all of that, I am sure it cannot be easy. I love how you explained loving the last. It is true, that is how I feel even though certain firsts are over with there are new ones (ie- buying a home, having kids). But knowing my FI is my last kiss is much more meaningful than thinking about a first kiss with someone else.
I think Im going to fall in love with you! (kidding) My freaking Goodness I DO LOVE AT LAST TOO…this post made me relate to everthing, everything I’ve been throught with my man…your so cheesy! thanks for this post
thank you. again. you have given yet ANOTHER honest, great post about the things that are important in a relationship and a marriage…. now for my own confession, i’m not even engaged yet. i’ve been with my bf for 6 years, picked the ring & he bought it (almost 10 months ago ..), i had a time line too. and still nothing. thanks for reminding me to focus on the most important things in life, not that my time line is falling apart.
@misspanda: Amen, sista. And, when you get your ring (because you will), you’ll know that he came to it fully ready to move forward.
Miss Cheese, you are incredible. Thank you for sharing your personal story with us so eloquently. I agree, new experiences and firsts are exciting, but the really satisfying part is getting to the finish line together and bringing things full circle. I love lasts!
Miss Cheese, thank you thank you for writing this! Although I have never been married, I know exactly how you feel as I have lived with a serious long term boyriend before and watched that relationship self implode. During my relationship with my now fiance, I saw myself act out the same dramas, make the same mistakes, cry for the same reasons. I even ruined the engagement surprise with the same old untrust and fears, something my wonderful fiance should not have to endure. But everyday I try and take a new step forward and seperate myself from the history and my old ways. Thanks again Miss Cheese!
cheers to u girl. 
I just wanted to let you know that I’m totally digging your posts - thank you for your honesty!
@PrettyKitty: Good for you! Ya know, I don’t mind sharing because it’s good for me. I am proud of the progress I’ve made to deal with the things I don’t do well, maybe more proud than I should be, but wth. Perhaps the bright side of getting married again is that I have a point of comparison — I can see where I’m the common denominator, and that’s both stunningly hard and helpful.
I look forward to reading your posts every day… you are an incredible writer, and you set the example that we all should follow!
wow, i love th way you are so real. thanks for sharing. you are an inspiration!
Of course I couldn’t help but like your sense of humor (HELLO! Dog butts being sniffed on a wedding site, priceless) but I have to say that I love your introspective side even more. I love when I can be moved by someone’s thoughts and writings and girl did you move me with that last post.
Plain and simple, you rock 
To answer your question, no, I cannot relate. I can’t. I really enjoy your posts, writing style, honesty - but I really don’t understand why you (or your FI) are in such a hurry to be married?
Your original wedding date turned engagement date was July 31, 08 - barely over a year after you met. What is the hurry? Now you are getting married just under 2 years after you met (and 2 yrs after your divorce).
Maybe I can’t relate because my husband and I dated for four years, then got engaged (without ultimatums) and then got married almost 5 years after we met (I was 28, he was 34 on our wedding day). I have loved my husband for the past 5 years - but I knew him so much better in year 2 than year 1… year 4 than year 2… and though certainly the years ahead of us will contain more growing and learning and changing - we have such a sturdy foundation that is the product of not only love and work, but time. Lots of time. I’m not trying to sound smug - it is just that of our 5 weddings this year and 8 last year that we attended, all of our friends had logged 4-10 years of dating before getting married - so it certainly is the norm in our friend group - so that is contributing to why it is hard for me to relate to why you and your FI would be in hurry to be married. As an aside, there have been many bees who have dated for a short amount of time, but you have kindly shared several of the struggles in your relationship (e.g., “struggling to communicate”) which makes it harder for me to understand why the hurry to get married.
Miss Cheesy. I love your honesty and your posts!! Such a great story for all of us!!
@Erin: Hmmmm. First, thanks for the candor. It gives me a chance to assess and consider. To answer your question, I don’t feel like we’re in a hurry, just settled on a path. And you’re exactly absolutely spot-on correct - many of our problems exist because we just haven’t known each other that long, but we will. I suppose that my question would be this: let’s assume that in five years of knowing each other, we’ll get the hang of communication (we already have, but that’s beside the point). I’m certain that we’ll be together in five years, because we’ve made that commitment. What exactly would we gain by waiting another four years to get married? And, just to clarify, the ultimatum was about timelines, not about getting married. He was absolutely certain he wanted to marry me, even before I could say the same. I just got impatient to start planning. *blush* Last thought: perhaps it’s just that I’m more willing to identify and share the struggles we have than most people, especially in a public forum.
Cheesy, I think you might tie Lovebug for being my favorite bee writer. I look forward to reading your posts because they are so eloquent, complex, and real. Make sure you print these posts — I get the feeling that should you choose to have children, they will one day will benefit from all the wisdom and authenticity of their mom when she was young.
Profound. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. You are always relatable, but this post especially was exactly what I wanted to hear. I can relate to so many of your struggles and fears. I am currently going crazy waiting for my man to propose (like yours, he has made it clear that that he wants to be married). I’m trying very hard not to push (although I have been known to say things like “You should marry me.”), but I get so impatient! It’s as if this need to have a ring *right now* is eating my brain. I was actually upset at the end of our amazing week and ahalf in Hawaii because he took me for a walk on the beach under the moonlight (and didn’t propose) - that’s seriously twisted! This was a wonderful reminder to back up and trust him; if I trust him in everything else, why not this?
Perfectly said. Perfectly. I broke an engagement last June, 3 days before the would-be wedding. It was hard, and scary, and stressful. But I had to follow my heart, and deep down I knew that sometimes the right decision is the hardest decision to make. Once I started this current relationship, full of “firsts”, I had a hard time trying to see the future as a clean slate, and I kept going back to all my regrets and second-guesses about what my past would mean for my future.
anyway, thank you for sharing. It made me tear up, but in a good way.
Cheers to you, Miss Cheese!! I too and a second-timer, and I have had the same whatthehellamIdoingthisagainforanyways thoughts, but it all comes down to us, and the fact that I know that it’s right. He loves me unconditionally, and I love, respect and admire him more than I thought was possible. So schmoopy!! Or should I say cheese-y!! Cheese on my friends!!
Wow, thank you so much. This brought tears to my eyes as I’m reading this secretively in my cubicle…it’s something I needed to hear/read and thank you for such wise words. THANK YOU for giving me the encouragement and hope that I have sought to find in the past few months of my life.
Thank you, thank you! I’m in the pre-proposal stage, too. (Don’t worry Misspanda! I’m with you!) It’s hard when you know it’s going to happen. We’ve talked, ring-shopped, and done all of the possible planning but… I’m trying VERY hard to keep calm and not pressure him. I think it’s really sweet that he wants to preserve the surprise, but we’re in year four of our relationship and year two of living in sin. My Irish Catholic family is getting impatient and dumping that all on me. It’s not the party I want, I’m just not his “girlfriend” anymore. We’re partners. It’s frustrating. So I breathe and blog.
I’m almost shocked by how much blogging helps. My own pre-wedblog helps me keep my imaginations and ideas going without pressuring Boy. (I also have a problem with over planning) Yours seems to not only help you bunches, but is also sincerely affecting many readers, brides and non-brides alike.
You go, girl! (Wow. I’m way too white to even type that.) Blog it out!
Miss Cheese, Thanks for this post, it really let me reflect on my relationship too.
it’s so refreshing to see a bride blogger who admits the downfalls in their relationship. Sometimes in the past when I would read bride’s blogs, I would start to feel that everyone must have perfect relationships and communicate perfectly excepted us. Even though that obviously isn’t true, I love people who aren’t afraid to admit that with every relationship comes differences of personality, opinion, etc. but that doesn’t make you any less in love or committed!! Love you so far… also adds to your awesomeness that you are a TN bride! got married the Oct 18th in Nashville.
Timelines are never a good idea. great post!!
kudos to you, miss cheese! your posts are always fantastic, but this one is especially so.
i think erin needs to go back to the knot boards if she wants to be so nasty and smug.
In response to your thoughtful response…
No relationship is without problems, and you are, without a doubt, more willing to identify and share your struggles than most bees (or people!). Time, alone, is not enough to make a good marriage (our friends are divorcing after 18 months of marriage despite 8 years of dating - they both had reservations their entire relationship and should have never gotten married… that was a long tangent). You asked what do you gain by waiting a few years to get married - I guess it is related to whatever you think you will lose by waiting (or gain by not waiting). Statistically speaking, waiting causes you to lose percentage points! People are always saying that they have a 50% chance of getting divorced - that is not true for everyone. Older than 25 when you get married, you can subtract 9%. Combined income over $75k, subtract a bunch more. Not pregnant? Already started your careers? Subtract a bunch more. Statistically speaking, your first marriage was more likely to fail than this one just based on your age alone (I deduced you were 21 when you first got married) and possibly career status. If you had waited another 12-18 months, would you have still married husband 1? What did I gain by waiting… I’m only 2 months into my marriage, so I don’t want to be even more presumptuous - but I’m much less emotional/fatalistic/dramatic than I was a few years ago. We are much better fighters. I am more secure in my career/friendships/family than a few years ago. But, what takes me two years to figure out may take some people 6 months. I guess I also gained staying in line with my peer group. For some of my patients, all of their friends are married by 21. All of my friends went to grad school and got married in their late 20’s after years and years of dating. Other things I gained - he was part of the family long before the wedding, we were financially stable, I didn’t need to deal with the stress of planning a wedding and the stress of working on relationship problems, we had 100% support for our marriage from family and friends…
But of all the people I “judge” for “rushing into marriage” - you probably deserve the most praise and the least worry as you seem to have your eyes wide open. I was just honestly wondering why now (as opposed to later, or even earlier). I will end this ridiculously long post by saying that we’ve always found it ridiculous when people talk about us “starting our lives together” or “the beginning of our marriage” - because we feel that our “lives together” and even our “marriage” began 5 years ago when we first began dating. **I put a lot of things in quotes because they are subjective (e.g., 2 years may seem like rushing to one person and waiting to another!). Sorry for this babbling post.
@Miss Cheese comment #15:
I just have to put in my two cents regarding your reply to Erin. I was a 2nd time bride as well. My first marriage was when I was young. I met and married my then husband after 9 days. Yes, from the first meeting to marriage was 9 days and my marriage lasted 20 years.
I’d say that was pretty good considering all the factors. I’ve known people (my SIL) who dated her husband for 6 years only to marry and end in divorce 2 years later. So I don’t agree with Erin’s post of knowing someone for longer/ better etc. gives you a “better foundation” It’s simply not true. It’s what you each put into it that gives you the strong foundation.
I can look at my ex-husband now and know exactly what he’s going to do … sure I “know” him. Does that make or did that make things work? Oh heck no. Anyway…
Everything you say in your posts, I feel like you could be writing for me. In fact, I want to quote you in my blog and expand upon my thoughts on your feelings. (if that is alright)
I was very afraid to get married again. I didn’t have the big poofy white wedding the first time. That didn’t matter. But I did make sure that this time, I incorporated everything that was spiritually and personally important to us.
I was all about the MARRIAGE.. not the wedding. And scared to death at the same time. This time I felt the “weight of the comittment” as you say. Things are so much better. So different. SO WONDERFUL.
I love that I’m finding all my firsts and lasts in the person I know will be holding my hand at the end of my lifetime. Thank you for all of your honesty. I can totally relate to each post as if you were writing for me.
Oh.. one more thing. I married my current husband 1 year, 11 months and three weeks after first meeting. (just in case anyone is wondering). I actually asked him “when are you going to marry me) after knowing him for only 2 months.
I knew. KNEW, KNEW. (if that makes sense) that he was the person I had waited all of my life for. Did we rush? No. Did we plan? No. Do I consider our “dating time” “marriage time” NO!
He proposed 21 days shy of the anniversary of our first meeting. (I suppose that’s considered “rushing into marriage” after being divorced as well.)
@ Amanda J comment #26 - I reread my posts, and I do sound smug, though I didn’t see the nasty, but I’m obviously biased. I don’t want to be smug or nasty (or worse, snarky). And comment 28 just popped up and obviously Debi is right that 20 years of NOT working on your relationship is NOT better than 1 year of actually working on your relationship (as Cheese is obviously doing).
I was just trying to ask “why marriage” and “why now?” Many people who are in love never marry (and people who aren’t in love do) and people marry at varying points (9 days - 9 years…). I think the decision to marry and the decision of when to marry should both be conscious, thoughtful decisions. Miss Cheese’s posts have been the epitome of conscious and thoughtful - and so I was asking Why Now. The question posed at the end of the post was, “Can you relate?” Debi, were only people who can answer “yes” supposed to respond?
Wow - I am in awe of your eloquence, and maturity. Thank you for opening up and sharing.
I can relate. I nearly gave up on perfect and settled for miserable. It takes insane bravery to come around and fight for the love you deserve, and I’m so proud of you!
I knew my husband only 9 months when we married, eloped in fact, and we will be celebrating our 26th anniversary on Nov. 20th. Not only still in love but very much “in like” he still makes me laugh like nobody else can, and enjoying our time since the kids have moved out/went to college. And yes, there were the rough spots, but the end goal was always “together”.
Thank you to Miss Cheese, Erin, and Debbie for your thoughful comments. I appreciate that despite as Erin admits the slightly (not intentionally) smug comments of Erin’s first post that Miss Cheese truly responded in an adult and well thought out way.
I also think Erin’s thoughts do make sense and it is a common thing we hear in our society and her question is a valid one. So thank you Erin for coming back and further explaining your remarks. So thank you all for not being snarky and mean when it would have been really easy to do so!
And Erin I completely agree with your comment about people saying this is the start of your life together, it too drives me nuts. My husband and I were together for 6 years (4 of those living together) while he finished up school and started out in the working world and yet when we got married this last March suddenly in everyone’s eyes our life together had finally started. To me it was almost insulting since it was basically saying the first 6 years and all the issues we had faced together essentially didnt exist to people and they certainly did to us :).
@Erin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did not say that I had 20 years of “NOT working on a relationship” If we hadn’t worked on the relationship it wouldn’t have lasted the 20 years. So lets make sure to read what’s written and not quote something that isn’t.
Your comments:
“I was just honestly wondering why now (as opposed to later, or even earlier). I will end this ridiculously long post by saying that we’ve always found it ridiculous when people talk about us “starting our lives together” or “the beginning of our marriage” - because we feel that our “lives together” and even our “marriage” began 5 years ago when we first began dating”
You may find it ridiculous when people talk about YOU “starting our lives together” or “the beginning of our marriage” however, for US that’s what it is. We ARE starting our lives together and this IS the beginning of OUR marriage. You say you didn’t feel your marriage was “the beginning of your marriage” if it wasn’t the beginning then what was it? and out of curosity, why get married then?
You asked “Why now” I can’t answer for Miss Cheese, but I can answer for myself. “Why now”… here is my answer to that: http://ed-debi.blogspot.com/2008/10/fall.html (Lord knows I’m not going to post it all here) I knew that I wanted to be him for the rest of my life. I knew that he understood all the pain of my past and we could have a beautiful future together. Why now? … Why not?
“Why Now?” for you? Why not later?
and the “Debi, were only people who can answer “yes” supposed to respond?” … where did THAT come from? Where did I say that you couldn’t respond.
No one is attacking you. So take a breather.
Lesson: do not get ahead of yourself. Getting ahead of yourself does not, will not, cannot give you a free pass past the uncomfortable business of dealing with and closing the books on your past. Learn from your past and be better at the present not by skipping past everything but by doing the hard thing (and for me, that’s being patient).
Those are some of the best words I’ve read in a loonngg time. I actually want to send that to a very close friend of mine who I believe is rushing into something (although I probably wont). Some people may see what you’re doing as “being in a hurry” but I don’t see it that way at all. You are obviously very self-aware, something that I commend you on. I thoroughly enjoy every one of your posts, from the silly to the profound, and cannot wait to read what else you have in that hot little brain of yours
@Erin: I like this statement you made: “but I’m much less emotional/fatalistic/dramatic than I was a few years ago. We are much better fighters. I am more secure in my career/friendships/family than a few years ago. But, what takes me two years to figure out may take some people 6 months…” I am much more mature than I was before, heck, even a month ago. I “get” what support I need from my husband versus what support I should get elsewhere. And I learn very quickly, probably for the same reasons that you all can (sometimes) relate to my posts — I’m introspective, analytical, and honest with myself. And your point about the statistics was right on (again!). I suppose the short answer to your question about why we’re getting married now is that it feels more right than waiting, and that I (we) have complete faith that we’ll get better at the things we struggle with as we go. None of them are dealbreakers, they’re just the reality of sharing your life with another living, breathing human being with different experiences and opinions (even though we all know I’m right!). And I, personally, am with you on the “starting our lives together,” though I think that for some reason, their lives together really do begin the moment they get married. I think and the mister and I are already a family, but I can see not believing that until we formally pledge ourselves in front of our god and country. I’m guessing alot of that has to do with how religious you are. Anyway, you gave me another chance to think and consider, and I always like that.
@Erin: I’m actually glad that someone who didn’t relate responded, but perhaps that’s a preference unique to me. In fact, I love this discussion that’s going back and forth!
@Kathy: Good for you! Sometimes you just know, ya know? In fact, I knew pretty quickly after I met my cheesiest, but because of my past, I was very gun-shy. Had I managed to process that past before meeting him, I suspect it wouldn’t have been as hard. But, ya know, life happens!
@EAQ219: You know the irony is that this post is about how I WAS in a hurry then realized what a mistake it was. I have another post out there somewhere that talks about this, but we initially planned to get married in October. Seriously! This post is about figuring out that rushing past the uncomfortable things doesn’t make things better. So, for us, this is “slow”, and maybe that’s just because we’re at the point in our lives where we’re ready to settle down. *shrug* I can tell you that my best friends had the same concern for me when I told them we’d just have a quick small wedding in October (I think I called it a “party”) and not have to deal with the drama. I’m not sure that, had I read this then, it would have made a difference, but you never know.
I’m totally a nerd for replying to my own posts a bazillion times. Admitted and accepted.
When I first talked about marrying the mister, my good friend asked me point blank, “Why him?” As she put it, there are many, many men out there, all of whom have positives and negatives, but if I’m going to marry someone, I need to be able to answer that question. Why THIS man and not another? I think that Erin’s question is a great and very profound one. Why marry? And why now?
I think that my answer will be too long for comments, but I’d love for you all (who are amazingly thoughtful and wonderful, hugs) to think about the same thing so that when my post about it goes up, we can continue this discussion. I’m lucky to have a friend that made me think about it, politically correct or not, and it’s made a huge difference to me.
Ahhhh! Erin and Miss Cheese.. I found the answer to my “We’re starting our life together” …. We did not live together. I have daughters and felt living together with my “boyfriend” was not an appropriate example for them. How could I be a parent that said “no dear, you shouldn’t live with your boyfriend” if I had clearly done so? That would be the pot calling the kettle black so to speak. And who knows, that phrase may never pass my lips, however, as a parent, I didn’t want to set a “precedent” that it was “ok” I’m not saying it ISN’T ok. I’m just saying, sometimes as a parent, you don’t want to lose a barganing point. And living with my boyfriend/finance wasn’t the right choice for ME. (hopefully that makes sense)
So after reading more posts.. I realized that’s what the difference is. On our wedding day we DID start our lives together. Maybe that’s what makes it more of a distinction for me.
HELL YEAH I RELATE! Thank you for writing this, it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone. Everything you wrote I related to. We didn’t have a “happy” engagement either, and having been married before myself I felt a lot of disappointment, terrible anxiety and experienced an overwhelming amount of illogical thoughts too. Especially after the ring happened! That situation (the ring) was all kids of messed up. I thought it was a sign, and indication of our future, of my inability to yet again make a relationship work. Time lines and dysfunctional pasts - I mean, literally, everything you wrote I related to. I love all your posts! Thank you!
Thankyou for posting this. One of the things I find hard about wedding planning sites and conversations is no one ever talks about how sometimes, it’s not the happiest time, it’s a time of learning difficult things about yourself and grieving for what you are losing. I have read ‘The Conscious Bride’ which is very helpful if you are going through less-than-joyful feelings about the wedding. I have been engaged before and freaked out and we called it off, but stayed together to see if we could figure it out. Nearly 4 years later I think we are close to getting engaged again, this time with a much better knowledge of each other and ourselves and why we want to be married. My friends who know this are happy for me and understand why we have waited, but I’m not looking forward to telling my parents or other people who might worry for us or give us that “didn’t we already go through this?” look. Did anyone know you gave the ring back and did a do-over? Did you feel like you had to explain anything?
“I’m a take-charge kind of girl. I’m a planner. I’m a tactical soul. I’m the product of generations of dysfunctional marriages (and successful divorces). This isn’t an excuse, only an acknowledgment. I get ahead of myself when I’m excited, screech back to a full stop when I’m disappointed, and in the depths of my soul I fear (and expect) being abandoned.”
So I went ahead and re-read your post (ok, maybe more than once). This particular part spoke to me and made my ears perk up. It felt as if you were writing about me. It took me a long time to fully trust that a man wouldn’t abandon me. I think I still have that fear deep down inside, but I’ve learned to trust my fiance (after many fights over jealousy on my part). The thing I love so much about him is that he never gave up on me and he never let me give up on us.
Your posts always make me think and I will definitely think about my answer to the “why him” question for your future post on the subject.
I really enjoyed this discussion today - what a productive day I’ve had at work! Cheese - thanks for being so thoughtful and introspective. I’m rooting for you and Cheesy and wishing you all the best. Debi, yep - we lived together for three years - so that would explain the difference. I think you made an excellent mother decision with the pot/kettle thing - we’ll see how smug I am after we try and tackle parenting in a couple of years. As he is an only child who didn’t have chores and I was raised with lots of siblings by Bree Vandercamp (I mean that in a most loving way) I’m sure we will make very good use of our communication and fighting skills when trying to figure out how to raise kids! Thanks for a lovely discussion ladies. Great post cheese.
@Starr: I love that book too. In terms of knowing anyone who’s been through what you have, no, but here’s how I look at it. You make the right decisions for yourself, and people who disagree are (hopefully) just worried on your behalf. If you are comfortable and confident in your decisions, and you come to them like “I know what I’m doing and I’ve thought this through and here’s what I decided. I’d love to hear if you have any concerns, and I will consider them because I know you love me.” And then, you consider and decide. If you’re making the right decision, then having people question you isn’t bad, it’s an opportunity!
Thank you, Miss Cheese. This is a great post and an equally interesting discussion amongst the Bees.
I thought I wanted to marry my FI after a month or two of dating. However, I was 22 and we were basically imbeciles and our relationship was rocky. Sound like a recipe for disaster? It was. Luckily, we couldn’t afford to get married -bc honestly I think if we had gotten married at that point, we would have failed. miserably. But the bad relationship pattern didn’t stop there. I got antsy and demanded the ring somewhere around year 4, and he complied. We continued to fight and wonder if we were doing this for the right reasons. Then we were faced with “real” problems. You know - the ones that can’t be fixed easily and keep you awake at night? It’s now been 5.5 yrs. We have trudged through what has felt like a war, and supported each other every step of the way. I look at him now and couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else in the world.
It’s not about timing or how long you’ve lived together or any other math equation. It’s about life experiences - what you’ve gone through in your pasts and what you’ve gone through together. If you can still love each other at the end of the day, after all the shit, it’s SO worth it. This is what I’ve learned thus far. Still so much more to figure out…
@carly7215: “However, I was 22 and we were basically imbeciles”…. LOL! I so know the feeling.
This won’t be my first marriage either. (It will, however, be my first wedding - first ceremony in front of our family & friends, first reception, first wedding party, etc) I love reading your posts because of your eloquence - “the last man I’ll ever kiss” - I just love the way that sounds.
I have to chime in. It definitely was bittersweet planning my wedding since it was my second one. But this was a true marriage for me. I was young and stupid the first time. Quite honestly, even though I couldn’t see myself with anyone else, and like Miss Cheese, thought about kids with a man for the first time, I was still pretty scared about getting engaged and married again. The whole living together thing was going just fine.
Mom and her gf had this thing where they would take an evening after a gf got engaged and tell her, you can chuck the wedding and go back to grad school or the library job or whatever that girl’s goal had been before meeting their man. So mom gave me the “chuck it” speech I can’t remember how many times before my first marriage. I did not hear it once before (or after) the wedding this time!!!
Thank you, Miss Cheese, for quite a refreshing breath of reality in wedding blogs. Your work on your relationship with your soon to be husband is just beginning. Good luck.
That was an incredibly beautiful and inspirational post. You are very poetical, while being very realistic at the same time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us all.
I am 30 and my 1st marriage ended 6+ years ago( it was very short). I really enjoyed reading the exchange between Erin & Miss Cheese! What was strange for me is I most related to what Erin was saying, I’ve been w/ my FH for almost 5 years. I’m glad that I’ve had time to build a amazing relationship with his amazing kids and that he’ll be done with grad school which we worked together to afford before our wedding next summer. For me, I knew I would probably be with him forever after about 2 month but our 2009 wedding is prefect timing. Every relationship has it’s own factors. What great posts! Thx Miss Cheese! Thx Erin!
[...] we decided to take more time and get married in the spring instead of October, we agreed not to decide on a new wedding date [...]
[...] few weekends ago would have been our wedding weekend, had we not decided that we needed more time. How do I feel? A little bit relieved and very much at peace with our [...]
Thank you sooo much Miss Cheese! This is one of the most thought provoking posts I’ve read. My boyfriend recently took a job that caused him to move out of the area (2hrs) and I felt the need to start pressuring him about marriage. Then one friend married and one friend engaged that dated for less time than I’ve been dating my current boyfriend had me applying more pressure. Now that the bf and I have been apart for a bit, I’ve had time to think, am I really read for marriage? After reading some of your other posts, they have encouraged me to go to counseling by myself. I have a lot to figure out about relationships (I’m 32 and this is only my 2nd bf, the 1st I held on since HS and it spiraled downwards but I held on it way too long) and myself. I want him to be ready to take the step to marry me, not from me having timeline issues. Thank you once again!
There’s a great song called “Inevitable” by Anberlin. One of the lines “I want to be your last first kiss” came to mind when reading your post. Thanks again, Miss Cheese, for all your honest goodness.
[...] few days ago, in the discussion we had in the comments section of this post, I was asked by the lovely and thoughtful Erin (paraphrased), “Why marry him now? [...]
thanks for your honesty…this is very! useful advice for me…I am also a planner & got upset when the engagement didn’t come on MY timeline, hehe…there was a lot of anxiety & crying & resentment, so your post keeps me focused on the importance of the marriage, not the wedding…do you think it’s a coincidence that we are in the same field? hehe I’m a SW PM & working on my EM masters. 
I think in this field, it becomes your nature to plan everything & expect/anticipate failure!
[...] few days ago, in the discussion we had in the comments section of this post, I was asked by the lovely and thoughtful Erin (paraphrased), “Why marry him now? What’s [...]
[...] few days ago, in the discussion we had in the comments section of this post, I was asked by the lovely and thoughtful Erin (paraphrased), “Why marry him now? What’s [...]
[...] is particularly interesting to me because of a comment conversation we had on my Something Old Something New post. Erin commented: You asked what do you gain by waiting a few years to get married - I guess it [...]
[...] is particularly interesting to me because of a comment conversation we had on my Something Old Something New post. Erin commented: You asked what do you gain by waiting a few years to get married - I guess [...]
[...] is particularly interesting to me because of a comment conversation we had on my Something Old Something New post. Erin commented: You asked what do you gain by waiting a few years to get married - I guess [...]
[...] is particularly interesting to me because of a comment conversation we had on my Something Old Something New post. Erin commented: You asked what do you gain by waiting a few years to get married - I guess [...]
[...] people smiling at me. ‘What do I do?’ I thought briefly. ‘Do I smile back?’ But way back when, I thought about what I wanted to feel and experience during our ceremony, so I was prepared. I [...]
[...] you get comments asking you if you know what you’re doing (like this one), don’t assume it’s snark. Ask yourself what they are really wanting to know, and then [...]
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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