Wedding Blog

My bachelorette party started off at our hotel room at the Sofitel, where I generally made this face a lot, in fear of all of the public attention that I was about to endure.

WARNING: Chocolate peenie pops made by my glorious maid-of-honor under the cut!

It started off fairly innocent as the maids swapped stories before heading down a block to The Continental Mid-town, where we would be having dinner for the evening.

The gals asked to see my wedding dress, so I showed it to them while making a “I sure hope they don’t hate it since it’s kind of nontraditional and not like the long poofy gowns most brides wear” face. They loved it (or at least pretended like they did quite convincingly!), so I felt relieved to know at least 6 of my guests would dig my vintage wedding dress.

For those of you who are confused as to why I was wearing several hot pink boas, I wish you had been there to hear sis-in-law Candy Corn eloquently explain the story of how I pretended I had a giant penis named Ralph in high school. I used to tell my brother and dad how much longer my imaginary hot pink boa penis was than theirs, and told tall tales about how I could jump rope with it (perhaps I should’ve saved this story for my edition of “The Secret Life of Bees”…). So, that explains all of the boas, as if you really needed an explanation for ridiculous fashion accessories at a bachelorette party.

Speaking of ridiculous fashion accessories, not only did I get beautiful lingerie, but I was also gifted candy nipple tassels, which were titillating to say the least. I’m saving those babies for our 50th anniversary. Oh Mr. Candy Corn, you really hit a gold mine, didn’t you?

It was a little embarrassing to open such naughty gifts in front of a crowded restaurant (especially while wearing a peenietastic bracelet and lovely foam crown), but I tried my best to embrace my wild side and run with it.

And the penis pops helped me do just that. I mean honestly, how awesome is my maid of honor for making blue-balled wangs? She gets a gold star in my bridal book.

I am definitely a fan of the double thumbs-up, so get used to them, because they made awkward appearances dozens of times during our wedding weekend.

The large portions at The Continental Mid-town made it easy to share (or steal) delicious treats from the bestest bosom buddies a girl could ask for.

The atmosphere there is gorgeous to the max.

We decided to grab some more dessert at Capogiro Gelato Artisans before working off our many calories at the bowling alley.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the overdose of thumb action.

Getting gelato was pretty much the best idea in the entire universe. If you’re wondering what my lovely bridesmaids were staring at, it was most likely the sparkly purple penis boppers I was sporting on my head.

This was my “OMG this gelato is so delicious, but I’m so uncomfortable because small children and creepy men keep passing by and looking at my penis head wear” face.

This innocent-looking girl is responsible for all of the PG-13 rated lovin’!

We had to make one more stop at the hotel, which is when I decided, hey wouldn’t it be great if we visited my Grandma and parents in their hotel room and treated them to some chocolate?

Grams wasn’t very impressed with the testicular girth of her candycock, and proceeded to compare them to the size of a flea’s balls. Despite her initial reaction, she spent all weekend talking about her chocolate penis to anyone who would listen. It. was. fabulous.

It was fun to finally introduce my Grandma to my bridesmaids, who had heard so much about her potty mouth (which I happily inherited) and sassy ’tude. Two words to describe my family and me: erectile dysfunctional.

Next stop: North Bowl Lanes, where we met up with the boys and had to wait about two hours for two lanes to clear, but it was worth the wait.

A group of bachelors decided to join our penis parade, and there was one fellow who requested a Caucasian white chocolate cock (racist, much?).

I’m kind of praying that the bride who is responsible for these bachelors reads Weddingbee so she can send him this oh-so-fabulous photo, stat!

Saucy!

I look like I’m up to no good, but I’m probably just thinking about stealing a handful of delicious tater tots from my BFFs.

That would be my sasstastic “Don’t mess with mah peenie boppers” face. Not my most flattering look.

Brother Candy Corn with sis-in-law Candy Corn.

Two of my favorite ladies!

Mr. Candy Corn isn’t afraid to get his diva on.

One of my best friends since junior high, who made the trip from Florida. I just want to put his cute little smirky self in my pocket.

Despite the fact that I found hot pink feathers everywhere (and I mean EVERYwhere) all weekend long, it was an absolutely amazing evening and I couldn’t have asked for a better bachelorette party! Thanks to my bridesmaids and maid of honor who made it fanfreakingtastic! And thanks to Laura Kicey for taking all of these photos and documenting our crazy shenanigans!

Did anyone else plan a G-rated bachelorette party (dinner and bowling) that turned out to be not-so-innocent?

PS. If there’s anything I’m more passionate about than delicious chocolate penii, it’s the future of our country, so if you haven’t already, get out there and make a difference and vote!