Weddingbee Blog

Without going into too many researchy-technical definitions, Pre-Cana is a seminar thing that you and your fiance have to go through in order to get married in a Catholic church. If you really want to learn more about it, go here. But if you want my jumbled account, keep reading. And reading.

I was very nervous before we went. You see, I wasn’t born with the “I’m a chick, let’s talk about feeeelings” gene, so the very thought of having to do just that in front of church people and strangers scared the mess out of me. I had heard horror stories about it being 2 weeks long or weekend sessions, and that you are forced to talk OUT LOUD about your money, plans for kids and intimacy. Psshhhhhttt… no thanks. Can’t do it. And definitely NOT in front of church folks. But, it was nothing like that. In fact, it wasn’t scary at all. We basically sat in a room for 8 hours with other engaged couples and only talked amongst ourselves. There were, however, some parts we kinda hated, besides the food.

We feel like we are good Catholic kids that try to do right and live our lives according to Christ, but we also know that there are some things we do that the church isn’t cool with. For example, we live together. The Deacon at the seminar told us that couples who live together before marriage have a 50% greater chance of getting divorced than those who live apart until marriage. I’m sorry, but I needed to test drive the vehicle before I made the purchase and it was a great decision for us. However, I respect our church and decided not to lie and give two different addresses, like one couple did, and they couldn’t have been more supportive and forgiving. They even acknowledged that in these tough economic times, it makes sense for couples to live together. But, I still feel bad.

We also found out that the church does not approve of methods such as IVF to get pregnant. I feel differently and plan to consider this method as a possibility if we have issues. If you remember, I mentioned before that we plan on starting our family as soon as we get married. I asked the Deacon’s wife (a wonderful, wonderful woman who I am totally in love with and has been married to our Deacon for 51 years!) how she felt about this, and she said that while the Catholic church is a believer in natural family planning, she also knows how hard it is for some couples and that the church is very forgiving. I appreciated her honest and thoughtful answer and decided that if we ever have to think about this, that I would at least put it 4th or 5th on the list, instead of 1st. I’m trying, you know?

OK, moving on… what else did we talk about?

Oh, yes. Money. Would we get a joint account? Was it ok if your partner made more money than you? Do you owe money that your partner doesn’t know about? All great questions and very important things to talk about before you marry someone. There were a lot of young couples in the room and it was obvious that this section of the course got their wheels turnin’. Being the oldest couple there, and the record holders for longest relationship, we didn’t have much to discuss other than “Yes, Mr. Dumpling. I know you make more money. I’m OK with it if you are. You are? Great, cause I’m poor.” At this point we were in the 5th hour of the day and Mr. Dumpling was getting restless. We had to fill out a budget worksheet that asked us how much cash we had in the bank, and Mr. Dumpling wrote $1 million*** and handed it over. Thanks, Mr. D. Now they’re going to think we’re straight up cheap for not tithing our 10%. Good job. (***We have nowhere NEAR that. He was just being obnoxious.)

The next section focused on the couple’s love for one another. They gave us another worksheet and asked us to write a love letter to our partner that described in detail how much you love them. I really took this seriously and wrote about the first day we met, and how my favorite sounds are the garage door opening when he gets home, his snoring and the sound of his voice while he sings in the shower. Please don’t ask me what he wrote because I have no idea. Methinks he tossed his out after reading mine because his was either 1) blank or 2) a page full of jokes. I can’t blame the boy, though. I know how much he loves me. He wrote me a song 4 years ago and had it recorded. He also let’s me fill up our TiVo with re-runs of Jon + Kate and hours of Food Network challenges. That’s love in the Dumpling house.

Over the next 4 hours we talked about things that might come between a marriage (infidelity, stress, work, money), ways to talk to your spouse in times of frustration, and that we should always, no matter what, put our spouse first. Catholic or not, putting your spouse first is the most important thing to remember. They reminded us over and over again that the wedding is one day, but that marriage is forever. We, as brides, sometimes forget that and put all of our energy into planning a party. It was great, for me at least, to have that put into perspective.

Say what you want about the Catholic church, but this course was very helpful. It was open to couples of all faiths and didn’t once try to “convert” anyone. I was skeptical at first, but I’m glad we did this. Sure, we joked around and kind of hated some parts, but it forced us to talk about things that we had never discussed (only silently assumed) before that day. I highly recommend that couples look into something like this- even outside of their church. Eight hours later, it was over and we were sent on our merry way with our nice little certificate. YAY! It’s all really coming together and we are reallllly getting married. Awesome.

How do you feel about some sort of couple’s counseling before marriage? Have you gone through a similar process with your church or have you sought out counseling on your own?