Wedding Blog
In our relationship, I’m the planner and Mr. Cheese is the doer. I have hundreds (thousands?) of web and magazine clippings of furniture, colors, and ideas that we might use as we get our house ready. He has a to-do list a mile long. I often start conversations with, “Honey, come look at this picture of a {insert virtually anything here} that I love!” He starts them with, “Babe, I’m about to rip out the bathroom floor. What do you think?”
I had this idea that wedding planning would be a collaborative process where we’d lay in bed on Sunday mornings with our cup of coffee (yes, we share one cup *pukealittlebitinyourmouthatthesweetness* but we are the Cheese’s after all) dreaming of the day and brainstorming ideas together. “What if we just had our fave Mexican food catered? You know, casual and like a normal party except with our favorite foods and we’d be all dressed up?” “Oh, yea, and then we could have Chick-Fil-A on the side! Or an ice cream bar!” “Oooh, exactly! Here, let me show you a picture….”
In real life, I do have those conversations (with myself), then later trip over my tongue when I try to summarize them for him, at which point he replies with some form of, “Sure, honey, whatever you’d like” and I growl my frustration. So much for my expectations.
On the other hand, we are collaborating, just not in the way I’d imagined. While I dream up fabulous (and, um, crazy) ideas, he and his chainsaw are clearing our property of undergrowth and fallen trees so that we can make it to our ceremony location without broken bones. While I’m waffling on whether or not waffle fries* will still be yummy a couple of hours after we pick them up, he’s making plans to rip out ugly bathroom fixtures and rip up three (three!) layers of stick-on linoleum tiles. While it’s not my dream collaboration, at least we’re getting things done. If we did it my way, we’d have a thousand ideas and not much accomplished.
But I still get grumpy that our wedding discussions are more “so what do you want me to do next” and less “that’s exactly the type of day we’d envisioned!” I still feel like I’m making decisions alone rather than choosing them together. I’m still annoyed that he doesn’t really care about the details as long as I’m happy. I read wedding blogs that say things like, “we knew from the beginning that we wanted our wedding to be a reflection of us as a couple, from the invites to the favors,” and I wonder if the writer is using the royal “we” out of politeness or if the couple really had a discussion that culminated in that statement.
I read somewhere that getting married as a rite of passage holds more significance for women than for men; a similarly significant rite of passage for men is the birth of their first child**. I remind myself of this when I’m feeling poopy about it all. I remind myself that he’s a different person with different interests than I am. I remind myself that if we were more similar, nothing would ever get done. Then I drink wine. Guess what helps the most?!?***
I suppose I should just accept that the details will be decided by me with my trusty and delightfully opinionated girls by my side, and that my favorite guy will be there to make sure that the big stuff gets done. I suppose that I should be content (nee, thrilled) with having my dream collaborations with you guys and my mom (seriously, will waffle fries be edible after a few hours?) and leave only the big relevant questions to my future husband and I (chocolate or coconut cake, new or old James Bond look for the men?). I’m trying. Really. But I struggle to involve my “people” who live across the country and have been through this with me once, and I can’t shake the feeling that it should be he and I, not me and others, making the calls on color palettes. {Him: “Color palettes? Now we have to MATCH?”}
Do you agree? Have you discovered that wedding planning was different than you expected? Be honest — are you doing most of the researching and choosing (and maybe even some of the deciding) on your own? Are you okay with that?
*Yes, that was intended to be cheesy.
**Maybe in this book? I can’t find my copy under the rubble that’s accumulated from ripping apart our main bathroom, sorry.
***I’m mostly kidding. Please don’t think I’m advocating booze-as-stress-reduction… for you, anyway.
|
Share this post: Division of Labor
As someone who used to work for Chick-fil-a, I can tell you that they have a shelf life of like 20 minutes before they are cold and get dumped every 15 for that reason if they are not used. I dont advise using them a couple hours later unless you have an oven to pop them in.
boys will be boys. i used to be sooo frustrated when he didn’t give input. even to this day he shrugs when i say, “man i wish for the wedding we…” hahha but his love is demonstrated in other ways so (shrug)
We’re still pretty early in the wedding planning process, but I tend to get the same responses from my guy. When marriage talk first came up he said to me “All I want is a full open bar and a rockin’ DJ. We can serve chicken and riggs for all I care.” After absorbing that for a good 5 minutes (chicken and rigs (rigatoni)? Really?) I realized that I would probably be the planner, the decider (a la, Pres Bush lol), and probably the doer. I look to him for suggestions, opinions, and affirmations that I’m not totally crazy. I think if he ever has a big problem, he’ll tell me. It does get frustrating, though, when I want to talk weddings for an hour and he can handle about 10 min. All in all, I really do not mind. I love weddings, I love planning, and I know if I ever need help he will be there. I want both of us to be happy, but he comes from the “if you’re happy I’m happy” school of thought. And honestly, that is A-OK with me 
Oh, and wine ALWAYS helps, I don’t care WHO you are.
Yes, I definitely am (doing most of the choosing) and no, I definitely am not (happy about having to). I, too, felt like this should be a collaboration. The Fiancé is a GOOD boy. He takes care of me when I’m sick, he follows me around in the kitchen to “help”, and he even did the dishes last night without asking. But he is not a wedding planner. He is very much about it being “my” day (which I think is a lazy cop-out so that he doesn’t have to make decisions). I do get him to do things sometimes (which can range between, “You get to pick your own tuxedo!” and “Seriously, if you don’t call this church today, I’ll explode.”) but it’s coming along slowly. If anyone has tips on how to get their groom to be interested, I’d be willing to try!
While Mr. Peng was wonderful, supportive and helpful when I asked, I pretty much planned the wedding on my own. I wouldn’t have called it stressful or frustrating, in fact quite the opposite. I took care to make sure the day wasn’t too “girly” and that it included things he liked or had mentioned (he rarely mentioned anything he really wanted). He came to all our vendor meetings, but only after I had researched and narrowed them down to our final 1 or 2 choices.
Our planning, in the end, came down to exactly your title: A division of labor. All the plans were made by me, and the execution became a split list of my to-dos and his. I gave him his list, he executed. It sounds very unromantic I suppose. But in the end we were both sane and happy, and now we’re married and look back on our wedding day with fondness, and I think that’s nice and important!
I used to work at Chick-Fil-A too, and I am planning my wedding and really want CFA to cater it but I have found that most places require certain caterers, so I am having a hard time.
When we (aka I) started planning our wedding, I tried to ask my fiance for his opinions and often got, “Does it really matter?” or “I don’t care.” as responses. Further along, he seemed to form opinions on really odd things - like he wants the traditional plastic bride and groom cake topper, which I detest and think is a little cheesy. Now I’m in a spot where I feel that since I got my choice on just about everything (even though he didn’t really care), I should let him have his way on the few things that he has an opinion on. I figure that the plastic bride and groom cake topper won’t really ruin the day after all.
I totally planned our wedding on my own. It would have been nice to do it together but really that’s not my man and I love him just the way he is. I love that he’s a guy’s guy, who doesn’t understand or care about invitations. Just think of it this way, you have the rest of your lives to make decisions together. Enjoy the executive power (at least in this one area!) while it lasts.
“and then I drink wine.” LOL! A girl after my own heart! that’s my solution too. I’ve really been doing all the planning with the help of my girls. I ask my fiance’s opinion on the “big” things, and we’ll make a decision together, but I know he could care less what flowers I carry, or what favor I give. He doesn’t even know what a monogram is, so i’ve found that what he doesn’t know, def. won’t hurt him.
I feel the pain, which I like to dull with margaritas! :0)
The FI has been none too helpful with the wedding, which I do let irritate me on more days than not. I love the idea of planning my own wedding, altho I would LOVE to have a wedding planner if I wasn’t poor. When given too many choices, I tend to curl up in a ball and shake my head NO profusely (hah brings back toddler memories). But I have the best BFs a girl could ask for, and they know me so well that they have helped me narrow things down to a manageable number. That’s where the FI comes in and helps me make a final decision, which is usually “whatever you want babe”. GRRR. Oh, and I also get, “you know what I like” and “don’t I tell you if I don’t like something?”
He has decided, tho, that since he can’t see me in my dress before the wedding, I can’t see him or have any say in what he wears, except they have to match the wedding colors. He wants tails, which I’m totally fine with, but when he started talking about the suits in Dumb and Dumber, I swear smoke came out of my ears!! That’s where I enlisted a dear guy friend with incredible taste who promised he would go with him and make sure he dresses appropriately so that I don’t end up as a widower the same day I become a wife 
thank goodness for Weddingbee, no? Mr. P seems similar to Mr. Cheese. He assumed that saying “Sure, whatever you want” was being helpful and supportive, but it was equally frustrating. Eventually we figured things out, I did almost everything and he did everything I asked him to. So really whenever I was overwhelmed it was my own fault for not giving him specific tasks. He cared about getting married and would have been happy to just buy everything so I didn’t have such a long to do list. (Even though this wouldn’t have worked in our budget… not that he would have known that haha)
On another note, of my favorite little things about Mr. P is when we go to Chick-fil-a (known in our house simply as “chickens!!!”) he always gets me extra BBQ sauces, like 5 or 6. mmmmmmm
I am pretty sure that my guy is not the norm, but he had pretty strong opinions about most everything. Of course, of the two of us he is really the chef - so he had strong opinions about the food. He also is pretty artistic and has a great sense of color, so he had strong opinions about the invitations, the table linens, his suit and tie, the flowers… He also had a few random style opinions (No sheet cake! It’s not a birthday party at work, it’s our wedding!) It still wasn’t really like planning with a girlfriend, as he has not got a high tolerance for looking through options. So we would discuss what we wanted in general terms, and I would do the research, and once I had narrowed it down to a few options we would choose together. Luckily he has really good taste, and we generally agree on questions of style. The one area that he sort of failed open on was music - he simply had no ideas about ceremony music at all. I chose it all, and although I asked for his input his attitude was very much “Whatever you want is find.” It was a little frustrating, as it seemed like he didn’t care, but afterwards he raved about how perfect the songs were, so I know that’s not the case. I think that he honestly just had no ideas what would work well.
I’m also doing pretty much all of the planning. We established what he’s really interested in (music, food, venue) and then I don’t bother him too much with details on everything else. We’re lucky in that we’re planning for 2010, so I have ample time to research and change my mind and do more research, without feeling pressured and needing second opinions RIGHT NOW. WB is a terrific outlet!
While I do want my guy to know what’s going on and approve the decisions, I also try to save up my questions to ask all at once, so he has short but more intensive bursts of wedding decisions, instead of having to think about minor details one by one throughout the day (weeks, months…) I also narrow down the options as much as I can before talking to him, and it helps me to get my preferences straight as well.
On the flip side, I can also be pretty ambivalent for smaller decisions. Like if he asks, where should we go to dinner? I usually answer, I don’t know… not because I don’t care, but because all our options are yummy, I’m not craving anything in particular, and I’d be happy with whatever we pick. I’d like to think that our men go through a thought process like that regarding weddings– they’re marrying us, so that’s great, and everything else is just gravy.
Okay, honies, I feel MUCH better! MUCH! I had a feeling that it was more about how I was looking at it than how it actually was (hope that makes sense to you), and now I’m certain. Yay! Now I feel better about accepting his “Whatever makes you happy” and doing what I want! On our wedding day, I’ll tell my girls, “See? It’s exactly how we imagined I’d be getting married! It’s our (girls + I) dreams come true!”
this is a great post! i thought PB would be way more involved than he has been, but he is super helpful in his own way. how can we expect them to go off into dreamland with us about colors and ideas and such when they normally aren’t programmed to do that as is you know? i am just trying to recognize that he is doing an amazing job with certain tasks, and him “yes dearing” me all the time is ok.
I loved the post so much that I read it out loud to Mr. NiceWedding. Thanks for reminding me that lots of us are in the same position. For the record, Mr. Nice laughed a lot when I got to this part:
“I read wedding blogs that say things like, “we knew from the beginning that we wanted our wedding to be a reflection of us as a couple, from the invites to the favors,” and I wonder if the writer is using the royal “we” out of politeness or if the couple really had a discussion that culminated in that statement.”
Great post!
I’m doing basically all of the wedding planning. He’s had an opinion so far on the venue, honeymoon location, and on the cake flavor (cue eyes lighting up at the mention of banana cake - seriously!). He has a to-do list, but we’re 8 months out so it takes a lot of arm twisting. Like you, I bring him all my thoroughly thought out ideas, and rarely get any serious excitement. Most of the time I’m able to realize that I’ve never known him to care about linens, stationary, flowers, or lighting. So, the fact that he doesn’t have opinions doesn’t mean he’s any less excited for the actual event, he’s just way out of his element.
The vision we came up with for our wedding when we first got engaged was simple and focused on bringing together family and friends. Unfortunately, to him this means the details don’t matter. To me, this means the details should be classic and clean looking.
Ahh, I feel better now! Nothing a little whine/wine won’t fix.
I do the majority of the labor for our wedding. I do all the research, narrow it down and then he lets me know what he likes. There are things that he gets more involved in than others, so I take what I can get.
My FH wanted to wear a kilt and as long as he does that, he’s fine with whatever I like. I don’t think that he really cares whether the BM dresses are green or a taupey-gold, but he pretends that he does. So I feel like we are making the decisions, when it is probably just me.
Yes, thank you for making that comment about “the royal we”! I wonder the same thing each time I read comments like that in bridal mags! Once again, thank you for your always charming and thoughtfully realistic post!
My fiance is just like Mr. Cheese, too! When we were first engaged, his line was “Let’s get the big things done first, then worry about the details.” Sound advice, right? Big things being locations booked, caterer, photographer, dj, and florist. Which we are now finished booking with about 6 months till the wedding. I’m ready to start working on the extra details like decor and favors and such, and his new line now is “Let’s wait until it gets closer. We have time.” Gah! So now I’m basically making all these decisions without him and whenever I ask for his opinion I’m met with that line. But I believe he’s beginning to come around and realize the time is going quickly.
Miss Cheese, I think I love you.
“In real life, I do have those conversations (with myself), “…Know that those conversations do not end with wedding planning.
“I wonder if the writer is using the royal “we” out of politeness”…Yes, yes, they must be. At least that’s what I tell myself.
“he’s making plans to rip out ugly bathroom fixtures and rip up three (three!) layers of stick-on linoleum tiles.”…could he spread this ambition to my husband?
“Then I drink wine.”…This doesn’t end with wedding planning either.
Three more notes…1) Although I had dreams, our wedding planning went pretty much as I had envisioned (similar to what you described above). 2) Can you persuade Chick-fil-A to come to MN?…I’m curious and hungry. 3) What are you planning to keep those waffle fries in? You can possibly keep them warm, but I’d think they would get soggy. (Of course, I love me some french fried potaters, so I’d eat ‘em anyway.)
Every time I read a new entry from you I keep thinking we must be long lost sisters.
I too had conversations on my head about how glorious it would be to plan our wedding together.
Then I was called back to Planet Earth when he said, “do you really think I really care about what color the tablecloths will be?… Do whatever makes you happy.”
And I went on to say “but its our wedding, not MY wedding. I want you to give input too.”
He went on to say that most “details” about the wedding he couldn’t care less about. Except that he was having STEAK, and he didn’t care what anyone else was having.
So I’ve bascially been planning the whole shindig, updating him periodically on what I’m doing. He answers, “as long as your happy, I’m happy.” And I really do believe him when he says that. If it was up to him, we’d skip it and elope in the courthouse. He knows having a wedding will make me happy so we’re having one. A small, semi-casual outdoor party on the river. And I think that style really does suit us both.
I dont know why I thought he’d be into helping plan our wedding, he doesn’t even help plan dinner. “Just make whatever you feel like cooking… I’ll eat it”. He’s pretty easy going, but it can be a pain when I have to make ALL the decisions.
As far as other women I think for the most part “We” really just means “I”.
And waffle fries, or any fried food for that matter WILL NOT taste half as good as they do the minute they come out of the fryer.
So old waffle fries will probably be a soggy mess.
@MissCamera: Good point. My guy doesn’t help plan dinner either, although, on the bright side, he happily eats anything I make (or choose). I think I’m going to try to be more straight-up honest about the “we” versus “I” pronouns. I went back through my posts, and I didn’t do it often, but I did use “we” when (being completely honest) it should have been “I.” I’m not sayin’ that other people shouldn’t use the royal “we” (or, the genuine “we”) but I’m curious to see how my posts read when I don’t.
I kind of figured I’d make the decisions and then present them to him (”here are our colors. The end.”), but I was surprised to find he actually had opinions on things. Who said that was allowed?
Well it’s better than you do all your research and he ’s like i don’t like it or it’s not that special. He’s also the realistic one and say everything is expensive. It really frustrates me!
plus his parents saids everything had to be red which is the color i hate. Right now we are trying to compromising everything.
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics