Wedding Blog
Okay, lovely ladies of the hive, it’s time for another one of the posts where you share your expertise and knowledge, and I bow at your feet for helping me understand. Fun, right? (Again, I’ll remind you how fabulous and helpful you were when I asked for advice on bras, and dresses, and hair, and gardens… you can’t abandon me now!!)
You know my history with my future hubby, the mess I tend to make of things, and the problems we struggle with. In looking back, though, I’m always amazed at how patient he’s been as I’ve made peace with my past and figured out this commitment thing. My brain was at war with my heart; my instincts for self-protection were battling it out with my desire to be settled and trusting. When I was melting down about the pressure of signing a mortgage, he trusted that it wasn’t about him at all, it was about me (who wants to hear, “It’s not you, it’s me”). I’m in awe of and incredibly grateful that he gave me the time and space to get to this point.
I wonder, though, how much would have been too much?
We all know women who are patient, loving, and supportive with a man who can’t make a commitment. I suppose that I’m lucky enough to be the messy one in our relationship, in that respect.
Have you been there? Were you in Mr. Cheese’s position, patiently waiting out the growing pains of a skittish commitment-shy person that loved you? How did you get through it? How did you not feel that you were waiting in vain? How did you know that they’d come through, in the end?
If the situation had been reversed, and Mr. Cheese had been struggling with the enormity of the commitment to marriage, what advice would you have given me?
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I don’t have any great advice because I think I am in the same boat that you were(are) in. So, I am curious to hear what people have to offer, in terms of how to deal!
My fiance always claimed to his friends that he would never get married.. until I came along I guess! We met and I felt chemistry the instant our eyes locked. He however had a girlfriend. He was my (male) best friends friend, so we would hang out whenever the group got together. Eventually him & his gf broke up and we started dating. After a few weeks (!) he began staying with me. Within a few months I was telling everyone how in love I was while he was claiming to all his friends that we were just “roomies”. We had a lot of trials and tribulations through out the next 3 years, but eventually he was able to get over (most of) his previous baggage, and emotional damage from hurtful past relationships. Some people questioned why we were even together, but one look in his eyes and I knew he felt about me the way I felt about him, even if he couldn’t put those feelings into words yet.
Another year later we’re engaged and next summer we will be married. We’re working on 5 years together and the journey has certainly been amazing. Knowing what we’ve been able to conquer so far helps me know how strong we will be as a married couple.
Whew. I probably could have summed that up better, but you share so much of your life with us I figured why not. To answer your question:
You never really “know” if its all going to work out. The important first step is that you know you’re with someone you’re willing to take that chance on. There are definitely moments of doubt but you really have to trust in yourself to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work and to have faith in the other person that they will be willing to reciprocate your dedication.
We actually went through something similar at the very beginning of our relationship. We had both been burned a lot in the past, but where I’d been able to take the time to work through my issues, J was pretty recently out of a bad place. However, since I’d been there before, I knew what he was going through, which I think really helped us deal with it.
We had some communication challenges and had to learn to read each others’ moods and talk through things. Mostly, though, what he needed was time. I new he was something special, and I wasn’t in any hurry to settle down, so I made sure he knew I was there and gave him the space to work out his issues. When he realized that I actually meant it, and wasn’t planning to peace out on him when the going got tough he was able to let go and trust me, and trust us as a couple. That was really the turning point.
Do I KNOW everything will work out? Well, no. But that’s part of what love is, having that risk. I have faith that because we’ve seen each other through hard times and we’ve learned to communicate well that we’ll have a strong foundation for our marriage.
I apologize if this comes across as harsh - but its not supposed to.
In response, I say be VERY thankful he is so patient. If the situation were reversed, and I was offering you advice, I would have said to stop trying to change him or force him into something he wasnt ready for. And if indeed, you wanted to be married and committed and he didn’t, I would have told you to move on and find someone who wanted the same things you wanted. So go give Mr Cheese a hug.
@Starry-Eyed Barefoot Bride: Do you think that it’s about timing? I mean, if the situation was reversed and he wanted to be engaged/ married/ whatever in that instant, then no, I wasn’t ready (figure this is six months ago). You didn’t come across as harsh at all!!
Believe it or not, the struggles that only you two know of and have gone through truly does make the relationship/marriage stronger. As long as you two have been honest with each other about the situation and position you’re in, time is really not a factor. Your fiance clearly knows what he is getting into and loves you enormously to see past it all. Like DCKate said above, there is no definite way of knowing if everything will work out in the end but if you’re not willing to take that leap of faith, you will never know. I personally don’t believe any one of us is meant to walk a straight line in life. We all encounter challenges, self change, self doubt, self awareness all to help us grow individually and collectively as a couple.
I apologize in advance for the length of this and for rambling a bit. 
Mr. Fondue has definitely been the commitment-phobe in our relationship. As I think I mentioned in my posts, he refused to call me his girlfriend for the first six months we dated and has broken up with me twice after freaking out about how serious it was getting.
He has always been amazed by my patience with him. In truth, there were times when I did wonder if I was waiting in vain. Wondering if I was wasting my time wanting something that was never going to happen. In fact, after he broke up with me the second time, I told him there’s no way I was ever going to get back together with him unless I was absolutely positive he wasn’t going to flip out again.
Both times we broke up, he would remember how much I actually meant to him and how much he didn’t want to be apart from me, so they weren’t for any substantial amount of time. It was just like he needed time away from me to understand how strong his feelings were. But, of course, the time apart hurt me. It’s like when we’re together for long periods of time, he takes me and his feelings for granted and starts questioning stuff.
One thing I did this year, when it seemed like he might be pulling away again, is I wrote him a list of 365 reasons why I love him (which you occasionally see me reference). When I gave it to him, it immediately pulled him out of his commitment-freak-out, like all he needed was the reassurance and the reminder that our love and commitment to each other is mutual and real. After being together for so long, I can usually see his freak-outs coming even before he can. I try to give him some space, though that’s sometimes really hard for me, but I know that’s what helps him the most.
When we first met, I was in a bad place. I had split with my first husband about a year earlier and had ceased to care about anything. That is, until the moment that I saw him. I really never believed in love at first sight, but that’s really the only way I can explain what I felt when I met Mr. Fondue. He helped me on so many levels, and I honestly think we were both put on this Earth because we complement each other so well. He’s good at what I’m bad at. I succeed where he fails. We help each other grow as people, and together, we make one awesome force to be reckoned with. And that is how I know.
@karen: I definitely agree. I suppose I should have made it more clear — this is really a theoretical discussion, since the mister and I are here, engaged, happy, etc, etc. I just think, if I were in his position six months ago, I’d have probably been lurking here on WB, wondering if I should stick around. I was curious to hear if anyone else HAD and ended up engaged, and it sounds like that’s true! Yay for love!
@Miss Fondue: Wow, what a sweet story! And, many drinks and chocolate to you for being the rock. I’m impressed — and I love the idea of 365 reasons. In fact, that makes complete sense. When I pull away, it’s a defense mechanism because I need reassurance (backwards, yes). I’ve had to really work on pulling TO him rather than away (and into myself) and that’s helped me. You have a very lucky mister.
Sidenote: I’ve always had a hard time with the complementary thing… call it competitiveness? Mr. Cheese is really good at some things that I’m not, and vice versa, but sometimes we find ourselves competing… or I’m wishing I could be ___ like him instead of appreciating that because he is, I don’t have to be. Are y’all naturally zen-like about the complementariness? (Sorry, not enough caffeine today so my words are, well, not real words!)
@Miss Cheese: There can be some competitiveness or jealousy between us, but not usually. For example, I’ll sometimes get frustrated because he is way better with people than I am, and therefore has a ton more friends than I do (hence his requirement to have eight best men, while I was scrambling for even six people on my side so that it wouldn’t be terribly uneven). But usually whenever that happens, we will sit down and talk it through (or, with my tendencies to be way overly-emotional, cry it through), and he somehow always manages to make me feel better.
Hi Miss Cheese. I love your posts, they provoke so much thought and introspection.
I’m one of those lurkers on WB who isn’t engaged and is waiting patiently. And sometimes not so patiently. But, yes, I do occasionally wonder if it’s going to happen, even though 99% of me knows it will. He says it will. But I’m still in limbo land until it does. We both in our mid to late 30’s. I just want to start our life together already. However, I’ve learned so many times, almost nothing goes as planned. And usually what is unexpected is better. I know he is. But, I just want to get this party started
@s: In the middle of a hormone driven PMS freak out crying session, my FH told me, that yes, he thought our relationship was serious and told me that he had been planning on asking me to marry him in a couple of months. He didn’t ask me for over 2 YEARS. So I know what it is like to wait. It isn’t always about you. FH felt like he wasn’t in the right place financial and educationwise. Later on I told him that that 2 year wait had been torture, and he looked completely confused. Two years is not a couple of months? What?
Don’t beat yourself up too much! Some people just have to have the time to work through all the freakouts in life. My fiancee needs to be sure about everything. He knows what he’s doing, but it takes him months upon months to “get comfortable” with the idea. The way I figure it, its his quirk and has very little to do with me, its just waiting for a little bit longer…and in the grand scheme of things, waiting never killed a relationship. It only makes it stronger.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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