Wedding Blog
You read that right. We aren’t registering for gifts. Here’s the thing: We have tons of stuff. We got really lucky and stumbled into some really nice, brand-new furniture a few years ago, and don’t really need anything to be upgraded. In addition, we are pretty much in love with Craigslist. In Las Vegas, people post brand new stuff for dirt cheap prices because this town has such high turnover. People moving in, people moving out. So, anyway, we got stuff.
What about china? Well, we have that covered, too. Turns out my mom never even used the fancy china that she and my dad registered for back in the 1960’s, and over the years she has made it her life’s goal to buy every remaining piece of said china that exists in the world. She now has something like 30 place settings, and has so graciously offered to gift us with 12 settings. She must be hoping for lots of grandchildren!
Lots of people have suggested that we register for our honeymoon, where you have an account that people deposit money into that can go towards the airfare and hotel. Well… Mr. Dumpling’s aunt works for an airline (check) and between the two of us, we probably have enough hotel points for an OK hotel (check check).
What we do need, however, is cash. A little tacky, right? I know. We’re not asking for money, per say, but we are “hinting” on our wedding website that we could really use things that you just can’t register for. Most of the weddings we’ve been to in the last few years have featured a birdcage for cards at the gift table, where people can feel free to gift the couple with a few bucks to help them pay back all the wedding bills. Mr. Dumpling says it’s something that his culture (Chinese and Filipino) is used to doing. If we’re being honest, that’s the excuse I give to my family members when they question things we have planned for the reception (heehee!), such as the “money dance” (More on that later). “Guys, we have to do that. It’s part of Mr. D’s culture!” 
FSIL was kind enough to share the following birdcage poem that a few of her friends have used for their weddings.
They have their dishes and towels for two
They have pots and pans and oven mitts too
So what do you get for the Bride & Groom
Whose house is setup in every room?
Their house needs repairs and some upgrades too
But you can not register for carpet and glue.
A well that holds wishes is the way to go
So let’s make it easy for all that know.
An envelope will be provided for those who have room,
To give a monetary wish to the Bride and Groom
A wishing well will be on display at the reception hall
To attach your wishes, for the couple, with love from all.
I know the economy isn’t great, and that a good number of our guests will be traveling across the country to attend our wedding. Honestly, just them coming to Las Vegas for our little old wedding will be gift enough! But for the people who still want to give a gift (which we will be extremely grateful for!) we have posted this poem on our wedding website.
I’m curious… for those of you who did not register for gifts, what did you do? Did you get lots of random candlesticks and butter dishes? If you just asked for money (and I know there are many of you out there!) how did you approach it without sounding greedy?
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Share this post: Dumplings’ Nonexistent Gift Registry
We registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond (at the insistence of my mother) and ended up taking MANY of the items back in exchange for cash. Honestly, I think we only kept a few things because we had so much stuff when we combined 2 houses. We also registered at a hardware store so those gifts and giftcards we can really use (we have tons of upgrades to make to our house).
The idea of registering for a hardware store sounds like a great idea if you do want to actually upgrade your house. The poem is cute, but to actually basically say give me money & even have envelopes available for people (no matter how cutesy it is) just doesn’t seem right. Most people just come to weddings with a card and some cash or a check in it. And no matter how you ask, people just give what they give. My kids at work have the cutest saying about it, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
Shoot we had a registry and a card box, but someone still got us a plant..like a $10 plant, and someone else got us a cereal dispenser…weird gifts just happen.
Yeah seriously a cereal dispenser…I love cereal, too, but eating it out of the box it just fine for me. Thought it was the weirdest gift and we went to seriously like 10 stores with it trying to return it. The only place that would finally take it was Target and they literally only gave us like 6 or 7 bucks for it.
I have registered for some items, but we are also spreading the word through family members and website that we would be happy to accept monetary gifts and why we didn’t register for much. I guess that is the appropriate wording for money. Cute poem!
I agree with Lillindy, as someone who almost always gives a cash gift I still think its a touchy subject to request cash directly. I guess you have to know your audience, but probably 90% of our wedding gifts were cash without actually asking for it (which we’re thrilled by) and that was with 2 registries. Personally I would nix the poem, the part about having an envelope ready at the reception is a little odd and a bit pushy….
We’re having a traditional gift list because there is some stuff we want and we know some of our friends and family like to get physical gifts but we’re also having a money list. Confetti, the UK site, does a wishlist debit card. So you list items like the honeymoon or a new bathroom suite or whatever and people can contribute as much or as little as they like. What we then get is basically a bank account with a pre-paid debit card so we can spend the cash anywhere, on anything even if it wasn’t on the list.
I’m so glad someone finally posted about this! I really enjoy your honesty, Miss Dumpling because I was wondering the same thing. I’m excited to see how people comment on this.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that even though I got some weird gifts even with 2 registries we probably got 85%-90% monetary gifts and even a couple of gift cards.
@Miss Dumpling: I did the bird cage route as well, but there was no sign or envelopes- I’ve never seen them provided anywhere before, but it probably is a cultural thing ….and if all else fails the returns department will become your best friend in the weeks after the wedding! My husband’s uncle gave us some crazy infared cooking system after being flat out told by my MIL that we needed cash…. and one return line later we were $125 richer - and he’ll never know!!
I had a friend (married in Vegas, do you remember the pictures?) who lived in a tiny apartment in LA and “couldn’t fit another coffee mug” (their cute message on the wedding website) into their home, so they did the honeymoon registry thing. It was really cute, they put everything into categories of what they were planning on doing and how much they estimated it would cost ($40 breakfast in bed, $60 dinner for two, $45 whisky and smores etc) so you could “pick out” an activity to pay for.
Card boxes are completely standard at every wedding in Michigan, btw!
This is something we totally dealt with too! Coming from a very traditional family I’m not “allowed” to mention that we really would prefer cash. Thus, we only registered for like 20 items total and have instructed our mothers to politely spread the word that cash would be most appreciated.
Since we’re being honest, I do not like the poem. People know what a card box is, and they’ll put their cards in it (ours was a bird cage too; no one was confused). I did put a card in the birdcage in advance (one that had arrived in the mail) on the off chance that someone didn’t know that they were supposed to put their cards in there. I’ve never brought cash or a checkbook to a wedding - I write the check in the hotel room, put it in the card and seal it before I go to the church - (I go to an average of 6 weddings a year for the past several years, traveling for most). If your FI wants red envelopes due to his culture that is another thing, just set them next to the birdcage, but if it is cultural, you don’t need a poem to explain it.
I think you should register at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Register for a lot of things in every price range. People who want to get you a gift will use the registry (and you can return it for cash) and people who want to give you $ will do so regardless if you have a registry. If you don’t have a registry, you end up giving away a lot of gifts because you 1.) don’t have room for them and 2.) don’t know where to return them (they are probably regifts)! People are usually gift people or $ people - gift people give gifts (even if there isn’t a registry) and $ ppl give $, even if there is a registry. Also, I have heard of people who usually give say $100 gifts (set of china) who give only $50 in cash if they are TOLD to give cash instead of a gift… Let people give the way they are comfortable giving, it is most polite to just not mention your preference for cash.
I hear you! After going through the same debate, we ended up registering at two stores. As much as we prefered cash over stuff, we decided that it’s impossible to politely ask for cash (in mainstream American culture).
Although registering for gifts was rather painful since we didn’t “fit in a box” of standard items, we did find that there were a surprising number of items that we were missing or had thought of buying on our own (such as a bed skirt, citrus zester, salad spinner, and knife block). While we had a pretty random registry list, it was all items that we wanted and would have bought in the next couple of years, many of which were replacing items we already had but were worn out or low-quality. We did mention our preference for cash to a handful of people, like our parents, who could subtly pass on the information should any guests ask about our preferences.
In the end, about 40% of our guests used the registry, another 40% gave us random gifts, and about 20% gave us gift cards or cash. We found that most of the gift cards were for the stores we had registered at, which isn’t really “free spending money.” If we hadn’t registered at all, more guests may have given us cash or gift cards, but I think we would have really gotten a lot more random gifts. In my experience, there are cash givers and gift givers, and both groups will give you their preference regardless of whether you register or not. If you register, at least you have some way of suggesting items that you want. Right now, I’m wondering what to do with four new tablecloths, only two of which fit our table. Don’t get me wrong – I’m very grateful that our guests took the time and money to get us a gift… I’m just trying to suggest that you spend the time to really think about items that you can register for. You’ll find SOMETHING. Plus, consider registering at stores that give you a discount on registry items (such as pottery barn) – even if no one wants to buy you a leather couch for a wedding gift, you may want to buy one yourself at the 10% (or whatever) discount.
Sorry… long comment!
Hi Miss Dumpling,
This is a dilemma my fiance and I are also facing with our friends on the continental US. Our families are all used to giving money at weddings, especially since we’re in Hawaii. In fact, I had never heard of a registry until I worked in a department store in college. It is definitely a cultural thing so that’s why it’s not weird at all for your fiance’s family. Most of his side will just give you money in an envelope so you probably don’t need to provide it. A nice card box should be fine (also seen at every wedding in Hawaii). I think you can spread the word through mouth via your bridal party and family (like Miss Lemonade said). The money dance is also very cultural so maybe you can give a little primer to your side of the family so they understand it’s cultural.
We mostly preferred cash as we hope to buy a home next year. Still, we acknowledge that people outside of our cultures might not be comfortable giving cash. Our website listed red envelopes and two stores. We added that the red envelopes would go towards buying a house as it seemed like a good way to reassure guests the money was going towards a specific goal. (I don’t know if it was good etiquette to say explicitly, but that’s what we did.)
We agreed to pamper ourselves a bit by registering for some “nice to have” things including a new dinnerware set that we could consider “ours” because we chose it together. The key was registering at a store that refunded both gifts and gift cards with CASH. So at least if people didn’t want to give cash, they would see our registry, hopefully buy something from that store (registry or not), and we could make returns for cash if we decided not to keep it. This really helped keep the odd gifts and unusable gift cards to a minimum.
Sorry, but you have to nix the poem! Even though I almost always give cash/checks to friends/family at weddings (it’s just what you do where I’m from) that poem is over the top. Put the birdcage out and leave it at that. Some people will drop off cards that don’t have $ inside and that should be OK, too. Register for a few token gifts and spread the word (tactfully) that you don’t want china or household gadgets. People will get it without the poem.
i never understood why asking for cash is taboo. honestly, what’s the difference? if you’re going to pay $50 for a ridiculous engraved platter anyway, why not just give us the $50? when i told my mom that we won’t be registering (or will only be registering for the showers), she had a cow. she went on and on about how tacky and rude it was to want money as a gift. we’re getting married young and we NEED money, not 20 dish towels.
i guess i just don’t understand. maybe i’m a little too new school.
I may be confused but Honeymoon registries are really just cash registries. Couples set them up as a cute way to pay for their honeymoon or whatever they want. I don’t think the website admins are looking over your account to demand that you must use the money you go on a trip.
Also, I am not super impressed by the poem/card thing. Sorry, I still heart you. It just looks a little off. The cultural thing is nice but it may be off putting to other guests. Plus, how will you know who gives you cash money (as opposed to checks) if its just in an envelope without a card. This could be important when it comes to TY notes.
Like the previous posters, I think that people who want to give you money will and will bring a card and envelope on their own. You don’t need to encourage or discourage either way.
Honestly, I don’t like the poem, I think it’s a bit tacky.
We didn’t register at all. We encouraged friends to give a donation to heifer international if they wanted to commemorate the wedding somehow, but we figured their attendance was more than enough. We would have loved money, but it just seemed wrong to ask for it.
I don’t think the poem is needed. I understand the cultural thing, but since all your guests are not from that culture, some will probably be offended. I think this goes along with most wedding practices these days… Some people will think its great and logical and straight-forward and others will not like it.
If you don’t expect cash I would not register and not say anything about wanting cash over gifts. Most people will get the message anyway since you didnt’ register.
An alternative is to ask for giftcards from a store that you frequent like Target or something. You can use it for normal purchases in the months following the wedding.
I don’t think there IS a way to ask for money without sounding greedy. But, I think if you don’t have a registry, most people will just assume that money is an okay gift and do that. People will probably be asking your bridal party for gift suggestions, so you could alert them to drop hints for money. Besides that I think it’s a safe bet most people will default to cash without a registry. Heck, I know people who default to cash even when there IS a registry!
Oops, you know, I was a lil confused an reread. I thought you were going to feature the poem by your birdcage at your wedding. So still not so great, but not soooo bad either. Good luck hun. I know its tough to deal w tricky situations.
One thing about the poem: “cannot” is one word. If you’re going to ask for money, you might as well spell correctly while doing it!
We’re in a different situation with similar results: we’re moving to London shortly after getting married, so registering for electronics just isn’t practical. But on the other hand, we don’t have any of those things and could really use them. If we buy them in the UK, they’re useless when we move back. If we receive and store them here, the warranties might be expired by the time we can use them! What to do? I still haven’t figured that one out yet.
ps: i think you should keep the poem up! people are going to think what they want about you regardless. but, i’m assuming all of these people who you’ve invited love you, so they should know the real you - the ms. dumpling who is lovely, not greedy, just in need of some dough.
I’m kind of jealous that you don’t need to register. Mr. DE & I have very little and will need so much of the basic stuff just to start up. The only think I have to offer is some Tupperware and a variety of cake decorating supplies. Oh, and my mom gave me their old coffee pot. I think I’m even more jealous that your mom is giving you china. It’s really sweet to have the same pattern, too.
As for the poem, I guess I’m not a fan, but I don’t really see what the big deal is with suggesting money would be a better gift for the two of you. Hopefully, people will figure that out anyway because you don’t have a gift registry. I always give cash when there is no registry because it makes more sense than buying a vase or photo frame that will end up for sale at the couple’s first yard sale.
And, because I’m curious, are you having a shower? If so, will you register for that?
I just wanted to say I liked the poem! If I had that on my wedding website I think my family would have got a kick out of it. Honesty is the best policy!
We registered for a few things at a few stores that we frequent. We made sure to include gift cards on all of the registries. The grand total… a crap load of giftcards, quite a bit of cash and checks, and a handful of things we will never use from people who don’t shop off registries. We returned what we could but some stuff we couldn’t. I would be afraid with no registry that you would get way more things you can’t return than you would with one.
We’re suggesting that our guests give to a charity in our honor. My father passed away in May of Lung/mouth/throat Cancer so we are asking donations be given to the Cancer Center in our home town as well as either The Humane Society or the ASPCA. I think we’ll do boxes at the reception that are labeled for each charity and let our guests decide there.
I am going through the same thing. In asian tradition, it’s normal to give “red envelopes” that hold money… especially since asian weddings tend to be huge (it can go up to 1,000+!)… I mean, who registers for 500 gifts?? I’m thinking of just asking for red envelopes and registering for Bed bath and beyond for the non-asian people.
I like the poem… I may just borrow it =)
we got an invite to a friend’s wedding with an insert on bright pink paper in bold font and CAPS that basically said ‘we don’t need stuff, give us money.’
we happily gave them cash and well wishes in a card, and we don’t love them an ounce less. the thing is, people who focus on how ‘tacky’ some aspects of your wedding is will find it one way or another unless you have unlimited funds to throw at it and/or do it traditional-by-the-book. now, what fun would that be anyway? 
just do what you wanna and just be happy with your decision. ya know?
@Lillindy: Cereal dispensor? FUN! I practically LIVE on cereal these days.
@Heather: No, dont worry- I probably should have emphasized that. Yes, the poem will only be on the wedding website, not at the wedding.
@tater: I thought the same thing about the poem, but FSIL Dumpling said thats what the birdcage is for and that Im supposed to provide envelopes. I think it’s a cultural thing, because thats what everyone keeps saying…even though I’ve never heard of it. Thanks for being so honest.
Hayley: Thats a great idea. Maybe we will look into that! Thanks!
@Lauren: oh, DOH! Silly spell checker thingy! Thanks for the heads up….I wouldn’t want to look like a big dummy (more than I guess I already will after the poem)…….
@livvie: & @Heather: Thanks for your honest, candid responses. I agree with you guys, but Mr. D’s family liked it, so we put it up. THankfully, most people wont see it because only like 20 of our guests have been to our wedding website. Most other people find out from my mom that we would appreciate monetary gifts. Its a touchy subject, but like I said, the past 3 or 4 weddings Ive been to, the couple specifically asked for money. But yall are both right. =)
@Natalie: I frequent the grocery store and Wal-Mart. Thats a good idea, thank you=)
@JanieLeigh: “she had a cow” hahaha thats too funny. Your whole comment is just funny! THanks!
@Miss Deviled Egg: I am having a shower, but it will be out of town and I can’t transport things on the plane. How would I take a casserole dish on my flight? Also my family isnt into gift cards or ordering things online and hvaing them shipped to me. Oh well. Im just excited to actually have a bridal shower!
So instead, I am doing a tie-in with a breast cancer charity and I will donating $$ on my guest’s behalf instead of them giving me gifts. See, im not that greedy after all, right? =)
we are pretty much on the same boat. my family knows to give cash (since that is what they always do) so we just have to figure out a way to word that we want cash from his family. there will definitely be a card box so i think we’ll tell the bestman and have him let everyone know.
whatever happened to proper etiquette?
you don’t invite guests because you want or expect a gift from them - in that case, you should just not invite them, and save yourself the cost of hosting them at your wedding. i didn’t realize that it is now considered proper and normal to flat-out ask for money gifts. tacky. and tacky is still tacky regardless of “culture”.
i would be seriously offended if i was invited to a wedding and asked to give a cash gift.
(miss dumpling - this comment is not aimed at you, just merely my thoughts on this subject.)
@maleia: Maleia, you bring up a great point, but here are my thoughts on the issue. People register for stuff at Target, etc. and it could be seen as basically saying “hey- heres a list of stuff we want, so please buy it for us.” But I highly doubt that if i posted about my registry list of those sorts of items that there would be an issue. Whats the difference between getting a $50 toaster and just getting $50? I can guarantee that I could find a lot more use out of $50 cash than I would the toaster. Paying my mortgage would be top of that list. So really, what is the difference? How is it not just as “tacky” (as you said above) to shove a list in their faces and say “Please buy us something from this list”? You said that you would be offended if you were invited to a wedding and asked to give a cash gift. Well, what do you give to couples who invite you to their wedding? A gift off of their list? Something they didn’t register for? You’re going to spend the money on them anyways (im assuming you arent one of those people who show up empty handed) so why not give them something they can use to help them start their new married life together?
Anyways, thats how I feel about the whole thing. Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your honesty.
We didn’t register, and I gently spread the word that people shouldn’t give us household items because we were packing up and moving to Europe. We had a small registry in our new home country, but we only had two people buy from it. We recieved cash from the rest of the guests.
i wish asking for money wasn’t tacky. I don’t see how it is more tacky than asking for fine china. it is certainly more practical than china. such is the game… at least at this point in time. We registered at two stores, but really probably only 20% or so of our guests used the registry. We did get a couple odd ball gifts (HUGE crystal picture frame with hearts and doves anyone?) but for the most part our guests gave us what we didn’t have to ask for… money.
Ahh sorry I’m so late on this one… I’m updating the wiki! I am just super duper curious to see what the debate on this is in 10 years or so. Just from a home mortgage standpoint, which you brought up, my dad’s first home that he bought cost about roughly 1.5 years of his income, granted it still took him many years to pay for it, but we look at our mortgage, and if Mr. Peng were paying for the mortgage himself (we split it half, but just for arguments sake) it equals roughly 7 years of his income. Although right now the market is low, I don’t doubt (especially in the bay area) that this number will go down… houses will eventually cost more and more in relation to a person’s or couple’s incomes. I honestly think that asking for cash (indirectly to say… hey help us pay for our mortgage!) will become less and less taboo as the cost of just LIVING skyrockets. Because seriously, I mean I have thousands of dollars worth of china, but it’s gonna be worthless when we cant afford the food to eat off of the damn china! I’m just predicting in 10 years, cash is NOT going to be taboo. It’s good to be Asian, and it’s good to be marrying Asian, when it comes down to this. Mr Peng and I obviously were half and half, like you, and the mix of gifts and cold hard cash, without even having to ask for cash (because of the cultural thing) was really really great for us. It was great to have the cash to get on our feet after the wedding, wipe the honeymoon off of the credit card, and I’m not ashamed to say it.
I’m Vietnamese and our weddings are automatically cash; it’s just understood. I grew up knowing that it’s $50+ (more like $75+ nowadays) per person as a gift when attending a wedding… I’d suggest not registering for anything and they’ll get the point. Our culture actually thinks registering for gifts is VERY TACKY! It’s like having a Christmas Wishlist - Cute when you’re 8 years old; tacky as an adult. Plus, people would have to go out, find the store you registered for and then buy the gift which is difficult for the elderly or those with busy lives or living in rural areas…
Those that will give you odd regifts or things like cereal dispensers will probably do so regardless if you had a registry or not.
[...] Don’t register for things you don’t need, just to fill the space on the registry. It seems obvious, but it’s easy to get carried away with that little barcode reader gun. [...]
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Mrs. Dumpling, Las Vegas
Age and Occupation: 27, Finance
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 34, Real Estate
Engagement Date: March, 2008
Wedding Date: March, 2009
Blogging Since: August 26, 2008
Venue: Catholic church ceremony & golf course reception
About Me: I grew up in the Deep South, and while most people say I have a thick southern accent, I tend to think it only comes out when I need to use it. Living in Las Vegas has definitely been an adventure and Mr. Dumpling and I are loving every minute of it! We are planning a traditional Catholic wedding ceremony and a reception with lots of DIY! We might even get Elvis to show up! I'm a HUGE Beatles fan, love The Office and can't wait to become a Mrs.!
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