Wedding Blog
Bridal Guilt, that is.
Ever since becoming engaged, I have begun to experience the distinct feeling that me getting married is putting people out in some way or another. I know that this is just a carry-over from my personal issues with people doing things for me, but I feel a twinge of guilt every time I think about what others are sacrificing for my wedding.
Example #1: My parents were planning on taking a trip to Europe. Now they aren’t because they’re helping pay for myself and Mr. Powder Puff to get hitched.
Example #2: Only one of my bridesmaids lives close to me and the wedding site, so everyone will have to travel for bridal showers, the bachelorette party, the wedding itself, etc.
These are all nice sacrifices, of course, and they are things that I would do for my family and friends in a heartbeat. Why then is it so hard to accept that they’re happy to do these things for me?!
There is an uglier side to Bridal Guilt, however.
Here is a conversation I had with my uncle when I told him I was getting married.
Me: “Uncle Bob, I’m getting married! In July, next year!”
Him: “Oh… that’s great! But… that’s the same weekend as the Governor’s Ball… Huh.”
Me: (open mouthed and flabbergasted)
Him: “But don’t worry honey. I’ll be there for you.”
The little slithering monster that is Bridal Guilt compelled me to respond, “That’s OK! You don’t have to come!” Luckily I was speechless that my own uncle would rather go to an annual ball than come to his niece’s wedding that I couldn’t get anything out.
The point is, I have begun feeling guilty about sacrifices that people are making for me and my wedding. Whether it’s skipping the governor’s ball, skipping a trip, or making a trip to attend my bridal events, I’m not feeling good about it.
Does anyone else feel my pain? How can I get over Bridal Guilt?
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I understand how you’re feeling. I had similar feelings, but the bottom line is those that really love you will be happy to be there with you. As far as your bridal party living far away, I might take that into consideration and suggest a bachelorette/shower closer to the wedding when they’ll be in town already. So if you wedding is a Sat, then maybe on Thurs. night you can have a girls night and then Friday day a shower? Or don’t do both events. Mine was rolled into one — a “spa morning” with my bridesmaids and then my shower was held at the spa that afternoon. I stepped out of my massage and manicure into a surprise shower.
Don’t stress too much, but do think about ways that it could be less travel (=$) for them all.
I’m almost there with you … the main difference is that I’m trying not to feel guilty, but certain people (i.e. my parents) seem to WANT me to feel guilty.
We are paying for and organising everything ourselves, and planning a UK weddding from the USA, which makes the planning even more stressful and expensive. They live in Europe, so it’s not exactly convenient for them, but their visits still take a tenth of the time and money that ours do. Now they’re planning on not seeing their family for Christmas, and seem to want to blame me for it! (”well, we would go, but seeing as we HAVE to come back next year (i.e. for the wedding), we thought we’d stay here”). I’m sure they’re not doing it on purpose, but they sure make it sound as if me getting married is the most inconvenient thing in the world!
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“How can I get over Bridal Guilt?”
Well, here’s the thing. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have Bridal Guilt, or that you should necessarily get OVER it. I think that feeling of guilt is a GOOD thing to have, because it keeps you grounded, and REMINDS you of the sacrifices everyone is making FOR you and your big day. Now, that’s not to say that people don’t want to be there. OF COURSE your parents want to help you have the best wedding possible, but I’m sure they also had been looking forward to the trip to Europe. The trip probably isn’t canceled forever — they’ll take it someday — but as long as you feel guilty about it, it will serve as a permanent reminder of all that your parents are doing for you and what they are giving up to help you with your wedding. As far as your bridal party — they’re giving up a lot of time and costs (my bridal party was the same way, having to fly in, though because of it they only flew out for the wedding and did not attend showers/bachelorette party) and that guilt will be there every time you have to make a decision regarding your bridal party, and will remind you of everything they are already contributing just based on their distance.
Now, you shouldn’t be tearing yourself up and crying yourself to sleep at night. But a little guilt as a reminder that everyone has to give something up, and in the case of some people, give up something a bit more significant? It’s not such a bad thing.
I’ve got bridal guilt too. FI’s sister told me that her son will have to miss his soccer tournament because of the wedding - of course I feel awful, even though that wasn’t her intention. We could change the date, but that’d just screw up someone else’s event.
I have a friend who is super excited for it and flying from 1500 miles away, but then also have relatives from 200 miles away grumbling about the drive (though we drive to see them around the holidays).
We thought about eloping to minimize this guilt, but THAT would make EVEN MORE people upset.
I haven’t learned to brush the guilt off, but I have learned to live with it .
I had total bridal guilt. This is my personality as I tend to feel guily for everything. For example, if we run out of turkey burgers and I forget to remind Mr. PN to buy them at the store I feel guilty when we don’t have any. The thing is, I don’t eat turkey so this is not my fault at al. I know this, but I fell guilty anyways.
I hate asking people for anything so the idea of asking 50 of our closest friends and familiy to fly to the other side of the country was a bit moritifying at times. It all worked out - but I never let go of the wedding guilt. Just keep reminding yourself that you would do it for them and that this a time for everyone to get together and you are just as much the reason as the excuse 
I’m with you on this. I am the middle sibling, so everything I am planning for our upcoming wedding is being compared to what she did and how that was SO much easier for everyone. Everything.
*The location=people from rural areas don’t want to come to the Cities. EVER.
*The timing=summer is a busy time of year for everyone. They don’t want to take time out of their lives catering to tourists for OUR WEDDING.
*The budget=apparently, the fees for renting out these City locations weren’t even a factor for my sister’s wedding, where the reception was at the local American Legion.
It is disheartening. I always thought my family would be so happy for me when it was my “turn” to get married, but there are so many other factors in their eyes and I think they are losing sight of the big picture. I’m not asking for a lot, I just want them to be there to share this special day.
I also had that happen, but i agree with one of the posts above… i’m not allowing myself to feel guilty. I’m not expecting or wanting anything that I haven’t done for others on numerous occasions, and even when i was a poor student, traveling 2000 miles and giving a nice X00+ gift.
So, that being said, I don’t feel as guilty b/c i’m determined to enjoy every minute of this planning and marrying process (YOU SHOULD TOO!)
PS. I also am trying to maintain a practical outlook and expectations, b/c ultimately, i want everyone to enjoy this and not feel burdened as well …
omg you really nailed it! i feel the same exact way! but for me, i’ve always been that way in my personal life, only now that i’m getting married, it’s worse! i even hate asking people questions about wedding stuff. i’m even taking care of bridesmaid dress ordering etc because i don’t want to inconvenience anyone more than i have to… its a curse =(
It’s perfectly reasonable and respectable that you are concerned for the sacrifices of those involved with your wedding, but I’m sure you have enough things to stress about without adding some guilt to the list. I think every bride struggles with this - at least those that are conscious of and sensitive to other people’s feelings. Ultimately, just remember that your love, and the public declaration of your commitment, is a great reason to celebrate! If people can make it, great. If their circumstances don’t permit it, you will still get married to the man you love.
I get bummed out thinking of all the traveling people have to do for my wedding - but I’ve lived all over, and have friends and family members in every direction - there really isn’t anywhere the wedding could have been that would have eliminated the need for travel. When I called my family to tell them I was engaged, the first words out of my stepdad’s mouth were to not plan it for a certain date, since he had plans to attend some other event. Well, this was the date we wanted, for many reasons, and we still chose it.
I went to a wedding last summer that involved a lot of travel and a hotel I really couldn’t afford, but I squeezed out extra pennies wherever I could, and I’m SO glad I was there. I’m in a wedding soon that is a huge expenditure for me compared to what I’m saving for my own wedding, but the chance to be there for my friend on her important day means so much to me, I just find ways to make it work.
Stay sensitive to other people! It will keep you grounded, and those involved will recognize it and thank you for it. But try to let yourself revel in the joy that your wedding is really about, and your excitement and happiness will be contagious.
When my husband and I were first considering dates, we looked at July 26th. My dad shot it down because it’s the weekend of the Brickyard 400 - a NASCAR race he goes to every year. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
I, too, suffer from “bridal guilt” so I feel your pain. I feel so bad about a bridesmaid flying in from Germany, but she said she’s ok with it. I still feel like I’m putting her out! I feel bad about the cost, the guests travel and hotel expenses, taking up most of the day for some people. It’s a lot to deal with.
But, I really don’t think feeling guilty is all that bad. It’s better than the alternative, which I believe to be a selfish, demanding attitude. That looks ugly on everyone and I’d rather feel guilty than feel like I’m entitled to guests attending, etc.
I honestly don’t think there is a need to feel guilty. You said it yourself that you would do these same things for your bridesmaids or your family. So why wouldn’t they feel that same way for you?? I certainly feel you on the $$ situation, as my parents are footing the bill for most of it, but my way to get over it is by saving up some money and helping out where I can. I’ve been a bridesmaid and have been willing to shell out whatever it takes for my friends because I care about them. The way I see it - they would do the same for me. I think if they didn’t want to make those sacrifices for you, they wouldn’t attend your wedding!
I understand the guilt, but please don’t let it get to you so much. The others are right that they aren’t doing anything that you haven’t already done/wouldn’t do for them. If they know you well, they’d know that this wedding was coming at some point, and would have to make this choices. And yes, they are choices that they are making. Your parents chose to help pay for your wedding instead of go to Europe, uncle chooses to come to the wedding instead of the Gov’s Ball, and friends agree to be bridesmaids knowing that there will be events preceding the wedding, and they can honestly choose whether or not they can make them. And they know that if they can’t, you will not hold it against them. They are doing these things because they love you and want to be there for you. Enjoy the love and support you are getting, in the same way that you love to do the same for others.
I, too am feeling the guilt - I live in a very pretty beach area, but FH & I are not beachy ppl. We love that we live near the beach, but we never go, I love that I can see it and I like to sit and watch the water, but I don’t like sand and I cannot surf. So we don’t want a beach wedding - what WE really want is an outdoor wedding in a unique space, but my mom and EVERYONE else keeps suggesting golf courses or beach venues. All the venue we like are about 45min - 1 hr so I’m feeling guilty now that I’m making ppl drive that far :-/ and its not even that far, I’ve driven MUCH farther for other ppls weddings, so why do I feel badly asking ppl to drive for my wedding?
i hear you, girls!
we just moved across the country this summer- so ALL of our bridal party, AND guests, will be traveling. I feel sheepish when I think of it. If only my last name was Gates, and I could have my father pay for all my bridal party and lovely friends to travel to upstate NY!
and, what i thought would make it EASIER for everyone, a labor day weekend wedding on a sunday, for ultimate traveling convience, is turning out to be a disappointment to so many guests. My question is- when did going to a wedding become such a CHORE? (i must admitt, i’ve grumbled a time or two, as well) But honestly- when did we stop enjoying the whole idea of TRAVELING for FUN to CELEBRATE with people who we love- and party down in a room full of love? How did this start to become dreaded?
I don’t know if it’s the “formal” feel of weddings- or the akwardness of not being around everyone you know and are comfortable with- but I’ve become a special type of obsessed with making sure our wedding is completely enjoyable and comfortable for everyone who dares to travel to our “pretend destination wedding” as i’ve started calling it. (since we are here, but no one else is)
as for how to get over bridal guilt - it came to this for me-
a paridigm shift. If someone invites me to their wedding and i can and do attend, would it not be completely selfish of me not to put all I have into enjoying myself FOR them? we always hear all these tips for being “a good hostess” or “a hostesss with the mostest” even….well, what about being a good guest. A Guest with a Great Attitude. That’s my new perspective. And if my guests, no matter who they are, don’t want to enjoy themselves- it’s their loss- our wedding is still going to be a.maz.ing. (and so is yours!)
The thing is - nobody HAS to go to your wedding. Presumably they choose to go - or not to go - based on cost, timing, and everything else that is going on in their lives. Not everybody you invite will come, believe me. At least a few of them will in fact decide that something else going on that weekend is more important, or that they simply don’t have the money or the time (or both) to do the travel. You should feel an obligation to let people know as early as possible about all arrangements, and to keep the cost reasonable, but as long as you have done that there is no reason to feel guilty about your guests.
The same basically goes for your wedding party (and your parents). First of all, you need to assess what they all can reasonably spend, and then make sure that you don’t ask them (or let them) do more than that. My parents also paid for most of our wedding. They can afford it. Certainly it was the event of the summer, but my dad went on his annual bicycle trip through Europe three weeks after the wedding, and my mom is going to Peru with her girlfriends in the spring. I absolutely would have felt bad if I knew that they had to give up things they would normally have done in order to pay for the wedding, and I wouldn’t have allowed it. If your parents are “giving up” the dream trip to Europe that they have been saving to take for years, you shouldn’t feel guilty - you should step up and pay for more of your own wedding. If they are just putting it off for a few months or a year, then you probably have nothing to worry about.
The same for your wedding party - costs and demands on their time should be something that doesn’t put them at a serious disadvantage, and that may be different for different friends. Your friends shouldn’t be having to put a thousand dollars on a credit card to finance their part in your wedding - a “whatever it takes” attitude that goes that far is stupid on their part and selfish on yours. But they are excited and happy for your, and if they are willing to take some extra time off work, fly across the country, spend evenings and weekends helping you wrap favors or make table runners, that is wonderful.
As long as you try to be considerate rather than demanding, and keep in mind that letting people do more than they should is not going to win you any goodwill in the long run, you should be fine.
I am TOTALLY feeling you. It seems like we’ve been getting a lot of responses like that. J doesn’t seem to mind, but I start to feel bad when my parents mention how expensive it’s going to be just “to get the family out there”.
thanks for this post!
yes, i feel guilty.
guilty that my bridesmaid have to buy a dress they will never wear again. guilty that people will buy us gifts when we already have a lot of what we need. i feel guilty spending this much money on a wedding.
but i just have to remind myself that i never feel guilty when i attend a wedding. i am excited & happy for the couple and ready to have a good time. so i know other friends and family will feel this way for our wedding…and if they don’t…i can’t feel guilty about that!
Silver lining… it keeps you from being a Bridezilla!
I didn’t go dress shopping with my bridesmaids, I flew to some of THEM for a bridal shower (I was already flying there anyway), and I planned and paid for a little mini bachlorette party so we could spend some time together 2 days before the wedding. Maybe think of doing things a little bit un-traditionally to help offset the costs?
think of it this way. this is once in your lifetime and there will be a time when your friends will get married and you will have to be there for them too.
I’m experiencing two different types of bridal guilt. 1) I’m still in the planning stages of decorating the reception space. All of my ideas involve some last minute details that can’t be done until shortly before everyone arrives (lighting candles, turning on special lights, etc.) and I don’t know who could do them. I’m not hiring a day-of-coordinator because it’s not in our budget, nor is there one available within a 150-mile radius of my hometown (where I’m getting married and is tiny, pop. 1520). I’m ready to go ahead and do it all myself so I’m not burdening anyone with this mundane task. 2) I have a close friend who is currently going through a separation (and eventual divorce) right now. I feel like such a bad friend/horrible person whenever I start to talk about some little detail I’ve been obsessing about. She’s told me that it’s okay and she supports me, but I can’t help feeling bad.
I totally have the guilt.
I too have all my side and all my bridal party traveling - the only bridesmaid that is near is a 3 hour drive!
I know it is a lot to ask, but as you said I would do it for them in a heartbeat. It is hard to ask things though.
We are combining the bachelorette and shower in one weekend so they won’t have to travel 3 times (including the wedding).
I keep apologizing for the $ but one of my BM said “we know what we are walking into; stop”
I guess they have a point, they know they have to buy a dress, an airplane ticket and hotel room - I am letting them all know that that is their gift to us…. :0)
BUT I still feel bad!
OK, I have to reality check us here, girls. We all feel this. I think many women spend most of their lives thinking about what they can do to make other people happy.
Everything I’ve done for the wedding, I’ve tried to think about how it will impact friends and family. Sometimes we do this to the exclusion of our own needs.
Guilt is a form of thinking we’re not worthy of this amount of attention and expense and time from other people… But the thing is, we *are* worthy of it.
I’ve tried to let go of some of the guilt. I’ll never place ridiculous demands on anyone… That’s just not my style. The guilt was keeping me from enjoying some of the process, and that’s not good.
You are going to throw a great party for those who can attend. Those who are contributing to your guilt, well, that’s on them… It shouldn’t be on you.
Mr. Doctor is great at reminding me about this. He is one of the most confident and self-actualized (while also being compassionate and thoughtful) people I’ve ever met!
[...] I am thinking of hyphenating to Mrs. Snappy-Dragon, I must confess.) Because I have massive Bridal Guilt, Mr. Dragon and I very much wanted to pay for the bridesmaids’ dresses. The downside is that we [...]
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Mrs. Powder Puff, Chicago
Age and Occupation: 25, Preschool Teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Career Services
Engagement Date: May, 2008
Wedding Date: July, 2009
Blogging Since: November 12, 2008
Venue: Outdoor ceremony, banquet hall reception
About Me: I am your typical Midwestern girl attempting to plan a sane, budget-friendly, fun wedding to the man of my dreams. I love shoes, laughing at “Platinum Weddings”, crafts, inspiration boards, candy, and basically anything I can DIY. While weddings can certainly be all-consuming, I honestly can’t wait until the ceremony is over and I can finally call Mr. Powder Puff my husband!
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