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Like my last post, this one was difficult to write. My dad won’t be coming to our wedding. He passed away very suddenly from a heart attack when I was 16, almost 12 years ago to this day.
My dad in his Army picture, probably around 1958. He looks so young!
The day that my father died, I was visiting a funeral home for the viewing of a high school friend and classmate who had passed away from leukemia the day before. It was two days before Thanksgiving. I went to the viewing with friends, and when I came home, the phone was ringing. It was my older brother; my dad had been visiting at his house when he had a heart attack and died. Nobody was home when my brother told me the news, but luckily some friends came over to offer support. My sister came home first, then my mom. Both of them thought that my hysteria was from the funeral that I had attended earlier in the evening. It was a really awful night.
The next day was my friend’s funeral service, then Thanksgiving, then my dad’s viewing and funeral. The week was so stressful and shocking that I have a white streak in my hair. It is about an inch wide; I dye it to cover it up.
His death was a huge shock, although my dad was a bit overweight, and was an extremely heavy smoker. (I can thank him for the years of respiratory problems that I have had to deal with. I’m not a smoker, but if I were I would never smoke in the house with kids! Some of my first memories were not being able to breathe.)
I do have some major issues as a result of his sudden death. I am really paranoid about my mom; if I haven’t heard from her I always panic and think that she’s been killed. I started out that way with Mr. Taffy, but I have noticed an enormous spike in my paranoia since we became engaged. 
I am sad that my dad will not be there to walk me down the aisle (although I would still have both parents escort me), but mostly I am sad that he won’t be there for the wedding. Most of all I am sad that he never had the chance to meet or get to know Mr. Taffy. It’s actually quite weird.
My mom will be walking me down the aisle, and seems very proud and excited to do so. 
At first I didn’t want to have any parent dances during the reception, but my mom loves to dance and is really excited to have a mother-daughter dance. Miss Spring Roll also inspired me to do this, thanks Miss SR!
How have you planned to honor deceased family and friends at your wedding?
Our wedding is going to be on Memorial Day weekend next year, so we’re going to have a moment of silence for those who could not make our celebration, as well as all of the military men and women for whom the holiday is commemorated.
My FH’s father passed away a few years ago. While he wouldn’t have been involved in the aisle walking or a parent dance, we will definitely be including his memory somewhere (we’re not sure how/where yet). We originally considered getting married on his birthday, but changed the date to a little bit sooner.
To Honor my Grandmother (mom’s side) who passed away when I was 17 we am carrying the mother of pearl Bible she (and my mom) carried in their wedding.
I know she will be there in spirit, just as I’m sure you father will be 
My FH mother passed away in June last year, just before we got engaged (FH made sure he got her blessing first, and she even helped him pick out my ring). Her favorite flowers were white daisies so I have incorporated them into the entire wedding: Boquets, bouts, centerpieces - that way she is with us the whole day. We are also going to make a special floral arrangement to honor her and give it a place of prominence at the ceremony and reception.
So sorry about you dad. I think it’s great that you are involving your mom in typical father of the bride roles. I’m sure that will make for some special moments for both of you.
Ms. Taffy, I’m so sorry for your loss; such an awful time should happen to no one–it must have been very, very difficult for you. I am glad that you will be doing the mother daughter dance and that she will accompany you down the aisle; as the others have said, your father will be there in spirit. My thoughts will be with you this upcoming holiday…
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think it’s terrific that your mom is walking you down the aisle and doing a mother-daughter dance. We’re displaying pictures on a table with candles to honor the loved ones who couldn’t be with us.
I have seen many ways people have honored or brought a deceased member to their wedding. It sounds funny but it really help’s with the emptiness. I will give you a couple ideas.
The most common way is to have a moment of silence.
or you could…
have a table in front of the alter with pictures and things to help you remember him. Or you can put it in the lobby by the guest book.
Or you can have a empty chair nect to you mother with some flowers laying on it. (This seems to really help.)
You could have someone play a song that remind you of him while you are making your exit with your new husband.
If he had a favorite flower or food or something tht you can remember incorporate it into your wedding. I had a bride’s grandma pass away and her favorite flower was an iris so she made her bouquete out of irises.
the most traditional way is wear a locket with his picture in it on the day of your wedding instead of a fanscy necklace it will mean alot more to you.
There really is a million things you can do to help you get through the day.
It really is hard to lose a father, I haven’t lost my real father but he wasn;t really there. My grandfather raised me everyday from the day I was born and 7 years ago the day before 911 he passed away with cancer. I knew it was coming although because he was very weak and couldn’t eat or talk but I will never forget him or the day he died. Him and my grandma are everything to me. My grandma is getting pretty old and has moved a couple hours away from me to be closer to family and friends but I talk to her atleast once a day and get up there to see her as much as I can. If she doesn’t answer when I call I too panic. So I can see how hard this is for you and I know I will have the same problem when I get married.
Well I hope this helps a little if you have any other questions about this or wedding arrangements you can email me at MzzzQueenBee@yahoo.com, I am a wedding planner and coordinator and can help with just about anything.
I am very sorry for your loss but I know you will get through it and it won’t interrupt your day to much. I am sure it will be hard but the memory of him is still strong enough to make everything run smoothly.
I am similar to you about the “paranoia”. My dad is really my only family. He’s the only one who has ever been there for me, and he raised me. If I don’t hear from him or he calls at a random time, I get soooo paranoid. I’ve had panic attacks over it. it’s awful. I completely understand where you are coming from.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I can relate to the paranoia you are experiencing. My mom passed away of cancer in August and knowing she will not be at my wedding makes me very sad. I would have wanted both parents to walk me down the aisle and I think it’s fantastic that you’ll have your mom walk you. I would like to incorporate my mom into the wedding, so I’ll be wearing a pearl necklace and earrings she had. I also am thinking of having a little table with her picture on it and some flowers around, so people can be reminded of her and we can feel her presence somehow.
Good luck with this, I know it’s hard, but I believe your dad WILL be there in spirit. I bet he wouldn’t miss his girl’s wedding for the world.
Miss Taffy- thank you for sharing your post. My experience was very similar. My mom died Thanksgiving Day when I was a senior in college. I was devestated, have gray hair like yours and still find myself torn by grief four years later.
I got married this October. To remember my mom I pinned a locket with a picture of her on her wedding day to my boquet. I also had a poem in the program.
For girls, weddings have a lot do to with their dads, so I know this must be so hard for you. I worry about my brother on his wedding day, not having my mom to dance with.
Hang in there! I found my wedding day was so exciting and so full of happy emotions that I didn’t have time to be sad or grieve. I think you may find the same!
My dad died suddenly, on Christmas morning, 12 years ago, so I empathize with how you must feel at this time of year. And, my older brother died — also suddenly — three weeks before our wedding.
We had individual vases engraved with their names — as well as the name of my husband’s deceased brother — and placed on the altar, and we put flowers in them during the ceremony while our minister spoke of their importance on our wedding day. I also had my father’s handkerchief wrapped around my flowers as I held them in the church.
I walked myself down the aisle (I am in my 30s, and it was my dad or no one - that’s just not the type of relationship I have with my mom ) but we went to the cemetery the day before the wedding and left a boutenniere on my dad’s headstone.
We really struggled with how to honor and include them but not to make the day too sad for everyone, When you find something that will work for you, it will feel right.
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this was and still is for you. I’m grateful you have the strength to post about this tough topic. It’s not quite the same, but similar to what my fiance and I are trying to work through. Shortly after we started dating 2 years ago his mom starting having memory problems, which turned rapidly into dementia. She has a disease called FTD that basically turns off the frontal lobes of the brain. I never met her pre-FTD, so I’ll essentially never met her at all. At 56 she is to the point she requires assisted living and nursing care. She can’t speak most of the time and is still progressing downward. It’s hard for him knowing his mom won’t be attending our wedding, or be in any of our wedding photos…even when she is only a couple of hours away from our venue. So we are trying to find ways to “include” her, but most of the ideas we’ve found are more in the lines of a memorial. The only real idea we’ve come up with thus far is we will have two large potted hydrangeas on either side of the garden arch placed in honor of his mother and my grandmother (also unable to attend due to medical reasons) which we will then deliver and plant in the gardens of their respective assisted living facilities as a memory of our wedding. And just like Sunshine383 mentioned, our loved ones will be there in spirit.
We had a small, anonymous candle for my parents and each of our grandparents. Each had a glass pebble with their initials sitting on it, and as the candle burned, the pebble settled in to the melted wax.
For my parents, I put a framed photo of each on what would have been their chairs. They happened to be candid wedding photos, which I thought was fun.
I had been to a wedding where the death of a family member was endlessly referred to, and it really cast a shadow over the entire event and made everyone uncomfortable, so we made sure to make the June 12 funeral and the June 23 wedding VERY separate events.
More information than you ever wanted is here:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/07/20/one-funeral-and-a-wedding/
oh my, this one hits home pretty hard, having lost my father too. I am so sorry for the pain you have, and the loss you are feeling. I’m crying right now, as I write this comment, thinking of all the other comments left by those feeling loss too. But all of the tips on how to remember our loved ones, seem like lovely ideas (and I may borrow one of them). Until today, here was my only idea to remember him on the wedding day: My dad had four dollars in his wallet when he passed away, one for each of his kids. So I was going to pin mine to my boquet or something.
I’m so sorry that your Dad won’t be there on your wedding day.
We’ll be honoring our departed loved ones (and our grandmothers, who are too old and ill to travel) by displaying their photos on either the cake table or the guest book table.
Hi, thanks for sharing. my dad died when i was 15, the year i was turning 16. so i understand your pain. everytime i thought about my wedding day I would also get choked up. he wasn’t overweight but he was also a smoker and died of sudden heart attack.
on my wedding day I made a mini picture frame of his picture and attached it to my bouquet w/ a ribbon. noone knew about it but me and my mom. my mom walked me down that aisle. i didnt know it while I was making it the week before but during my wedding day just looking down at my bouquet and seeing the picture of my dad brought me overwhelming peace and felt his presence all day long. so in a way, he still walked me down the aisle.
i hope you can find some way to find his presence and peace on a wonderful joyous day. congratulations.
@alabama bee: I’m with you - I’ll be walking solo since my dad won’t be by my side.
To everyone who offered their ways of remembering loved ones, thank you - these will all be discussed with my fiance as possibilities of ways to honor my father & his uncle.
Thank you for sharing your story of love and courage. I am so sorry that your Dad won’t be there on your wedding day.
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Mrs. Taffy, Ann Arbor Age and Occupation: 28, Color and Materials Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Automotive Designer Engagement Date: May 9, 2008 Wedding Date: May 2009 Blogging Since: September 14, 2008 Venue: University of Michigan Union About Me: I’m a girl who is crazy about Mr. Taffy, sewing, dancing, almost all types of sweets, and our cute pet canaries. I dislike touching fuzzy fabric of any kind, eating somewhat squishy food, and Michigan winters. Mr. Taffy and I are having a blast planning our Ann Arbor wedding, and cannot wait to share our day with friends and family.
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