Wedding Blog
Like my last post, this one was difficult to write. My dad won’t be coming to our wedding. He passed away very suddenly from a heart attack when I was 16, almost 12 years ago to this day.
My dad in his Army picture, probably around 1958. He looks so young!
The day that my father died, I was visiting a funeral home for the viewing of a high school friend and classmate who had passed away from leukemia the day before. It was two days before Thanksgiving. I went to the viewing with friends, and when I came home, the phone was ringing. It was my older brother; my dad had been visiting at his house when he had a heart attack and died. Nobody was home when my brother told me the news, but luckily some friends came over to offer support. My sister came home first, then my mom. Both of them thought that my hysteria was from the funeral that I had attended earlier in the evening. It was a really awful night.
The next day was my friend’s funeral service, then Thanksgiving, then my dad’s viewing and funeral. The week was so stressful and shocking that I have a white streak in my hair. It is about an inch wide; I dye it to cover it up.
His death was a huge shock, although my dad was a bit overweight, and was an extremely heavy smoker. (I can thank him for the years of respiratory problems that I have had to deal with. I’m not a smoker, but if I were I would never smoke in the house with kids! Some of my first memories were not being able to breathe.)
I do have some major issues as a result of his sudden death. I am really paranoid about my mom; if I haven’t heard from her I always panic and think that she’s been killed. I started out that way with Mr. Taffy, but I have noticed an enormous spike in my paranoia since we became engaged. 
I am sad that my dad will not be there to walk me down the aisle (although I would still have both parents escort me), but mostly I am sad that he won’t be there for the wedding. Most of all I am sad that he never had the chance to meet or get to know Mr. Taffy. It’s actually quite weird.
My mom will be walking me down the aisle, and seems very proud and excited to do so. 
At first I didn’t want to have any parent dances during the reception, but my mom loves to dance and is really excited to have a mother-daughter dance. Miss Spring Roll also inspired me to do this, thanks Miss SR!
How have you planned to honor deceased family and friends at your wedding?
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Share this post: Father of the Bride
Our wedding is going to be on Memorial Day weekend next year, so we’re going to have a moment of silence for those who could not make our celebration, as well as all of the military men and women for whom the holiday is commemorated.
My FH’s father passed away a few years ago. While he wouldn’t have been involved in the aisle walking or a parent dance, we will definitely be including his memory somewhere (we’re not sure how/where yet). We originally considered getting married on his birthday, but changed the date to a little bit sooner.
To Honor my Grandmother (mom’s side) who passed away when I was 17 we am carrying the mother of pearl Bible she (and my mom) carried in their wedding.
I know she will be there in spirit, just as I’m sure you father will be
My FH mother passed away in June last year, just before we got engaged (FH made sure he got her blessing first, and she even helped him pick out my ring). Her favorite flowers were white daisies so I have incorporated them into the entire wedding: Boquets, bouts, centerpieces - that way she is with us the whole day. We are also going to make a special floral arrangement to honor her and give it a place of prominence at the ceremony and reception.
So sorry about you dad. I think it’s great that you are involving your mom in typical father of the bride roles. I’m sure that will make for some special moments for both of you.
Ms. Taffy, I’m so sorry for your loss; such an awful time should happen to no one–it must have been very, very difficult for you. I am glad that you will be doing the mother daughter dance and that she will accompany you down the aisle; as the others have said, your father will be there in spirit. My thoughts will be with you this upcoming holiday…
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think it’s terrific that your mom is walking you down the aisle and doing a mother-daughter dance. We’re displaying pictures on a table with candles to honor the loved ones who couldn’t be with us.
I have seen many ways people have honored or brought a deceased member to their wedding. It sounds funny but it really help’s with the emptiness. I will give you a couple ideas.
The most common way is to have a moment of silence.
or you could…
have a table in front of the alter with pictures and things to help you remember him. Or you can put it in the lobby by the guest book.
Or you can have a empty chair nect to you mother with some flowers laying on it. (This seems to really help.)
You could have someone play a song that remind you of him while you are making your exit with your new husband.
If he had a favorite flower or food or something tht you can remember incorporate it into your wedding. I had a bride’s grandma pass away and her favorite flower was an iris so she made her bouquete out of irises.
the most traditional way is wear a locket with his picture in it on the day of your wedding instead of a fanscy necklace it will mean alot more to you.
There really is a million things you can do to help you get through the day.
It really is hard to lose a father, I haven’t lost my real father but he wasn;t really there. My grandfather raised me everyday from the day I was born and 7 years ago the day before 911 he passed away with cancer. I knew it was coming although because he was very weak and couldn’t eat or talk but I will never forget him or the day he died. Him and my grandma are everything to me. My grandma is getting pretty old and has moved a couple hours away from me to be closer to family and friends but I talk to her atleast once a day and get up there to see her as much as I can. If she doesn’t answer when I call I too panic. So I can see how hard this is for you and I know I will have the same problem when I get married.
Well I hope this helps a little if you have any other questions about this or wedding arrangements you can email me at MzzzQueenBee@yahoo.com, I am a wedding planner and coordinator and can help with just about anything.
I am very sorry for your loss but I know you will get through it and it won’t interrupt your day to much. I am sure it will be hard but the memory of him is still strong enough to make everything run smoothly.
I am similar to you about the “paranoia”. My dad is really my only family. He’s the only one who has ever been there for me, and he raised me. If I don’t hear from him or he calls at a random time, I get soooo paranoid. I’ve had panic attacks over it. it’s awful. I completely understand where you are coming from.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I can relate to the paranoia you are experiencing. My mom passed away of cancer in August and knowing she will not be at my wedding makes me very sad. I would have wanted both parents to walk me down the aisle and I think it’s fantastic that you’ll have your mom walk you. I would like to incorporate my mom into the wedding, so I’ll be wearing a pearl necklace and earrings she had. I also am thinking of having a little table with her picture on it and some flowers around, so people can be reminded of her and we can feel her presence somehow.
Good luck with this, I know it’s hard, but I believe your dad WILL be there in spirit. I bet he wouldn’t miss his girl’s wedding for the world.
Miss Taffy- thank you for sharing your post. My experience was very similar. My mom died Thanksgiving Day when I was a senior in college. I was devestated, have gray hair like yours and still find myself torn by grief four years later.
I got married this October. To remember my mom I pinned a locket with a picture of her on her wedding day to my boquet. I also had a poem in the program.
For girls, weddings have a lot do to with their dads, so I know this must be so hard for you. I worry about my brother on his wedding day, not having my mom to dance with.
Hang in there! I found my wedding day was so exciting and so full of happy emotions that I didn’t have time to be sad or grieve. I think you may find the same!
My dad died suddenly, on Christmas morning, 12 years ago, so I empathize with how you must feel at this time of year. And, my older brother died — also suddenly — three weeks before our wedding.
We had individual vases engraved with their names — as well as the name of my husband’s deceased brother — and placed on the altar, and we put flowers in them during the ceremony while our minister spoke of their importance on our wedding day. I also had my father’s handkerchief wrapped around my flowers as I held them in the church.
I walked myself down the aisle (I am in my 30s, and it was my dad or no one - that’s just not the type of relationship I have with my mom ) but we went to the cemetery the day before the wedding and left a boutenniere on my dad’s headstone.
We really struggled with how to honor and include them but not to make the day too sad for everyone, When you find something that will work for you, it will feel right.
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this was and still is for you. I’m grateful you have the strength to post about this tough topic. It’s not quite the same, but similar to what my fiance and I are trying to work through. Shortly after we started dating 2 years ago his mom starting having memory problems, which turned rapidly into dementia. She has a disease called FTD that basically turns off the frontal lobes of the brain. I never met her pre-FTD, so I’ll essentially never met her at all. At 56 she is to the point she requires assisted living and nursing care. She can’t speak most of the time and is still progressing downward. It’s hard for him knowing his mom won’t be attending our wedding, or be in any of our wedding photos…even when she is only a couple of hours away from our venue. So we are trying to find ways to “include” her, but most of the ideas we’ve found are more in the lines of a memorial. The only real idea we’ve come up with thus far is we will have two large potted hydrangeas on either side of the garden arch placed in honor of his mother and my grandmother (also unable to attend due to medical reasons) which we will then deliver and plant in the gardens of their respective assisted living facilities as a memory of our wedding. And just like Sunshine383 mentioned, our loved ones will be there in spirit.
We had a small, anonymous candle for my parents and each of our grandparents. Each had a glass pebble with their initials sitting on it, and as the candle burned, the pebble settled in to the melted wax.
For my parents, I put a framed photo of each on what would have been their chairs. They happened to be candid wedding photos, which I thought was fun.
I had been to a wedding where the death of a family member was endlessly referred to, and it really cast a shadow over the entire event and made everyone uncomfortable, so we made sure to make the June 12 funeral and the June 23 wedding VERY separate events.
More information than you ever wanted is here:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/07/20/one-funeral-and-a-wedding/
oh my, this one hits home pretty hard, having lost my father too. I am so sorry for the pain you have, and the loss you are feeling. I’m crying right now, as I write this comment, thinking of all the other comments left by those feeling loss too. But all of the tips on how to remember our loved ones, seem like lovely ideas (and I may borrow one of them). Until today, here was my only idea to remember him on the wedding day: My dad had four dollars in his wallet when he passed away, one for each of his kids. So I was going to pin mine to my boquet or something.
I’m so sorry that your Dad won’t be there on your wedding day.
We’ll be honoring our departed loved ones (and our grandmothers, who are too old and ill to travel) by displaying their photos on either the cake table or the guest book table.
Hi, thanks for sharing. my dad died when i was 15, the year i was turning 16. so i understand your pain. everytime i thought about my wedding day I would also get choked up. he wasn’t overweight but he was also a smoker and died of sudden heart attack.
on my wedding day I made a mini picture frame of his picture and attached it to my bouquet w/ a ribbon. noone knew about it but me and my mom. my mom walked me down that aisle. i didnt know it while I was making it the week before but during my wedding day just looking down at my bouquet and seeing the picture of my dad brought me overwhelming peace and felt his presence all day long. so in a way, he still walked me down the aisle.
i hope you can find some way to find his presence and peace on a wonderful joyous day. congratulations.
@alabama bee: I’m with you - I’ll be walking solo since my dad won’t be by my side.
To everyone who offered their ways of remembering loved ones, thank you - these will all be discussed with my fiance as possibilities of ways to honor my father & his uncle.
Thank you for sharing your story of love and courage. I am so sorry that your Dad won’t be there on your wedding day.
I lost my father at the age of fourteen to a rare and undiagnosed blood disease. It was very sudden and unexpected. When i used to think about my future wedding, i sort of always ignored the whole walking down the aisle area because it hurt to think about. When the time came to actually plan my wedding, I decided to have a small table at the reception with photos of my dad from childhood to pictures of the two of us together. I framed a painting that he did and had it front in center, so my family and I could be reminded of his presence and life throughout the celebration. I know it is so hard to deal with, but i found the process of incorporating his memory into the wedding to be somewhat cathartic when all was said and done.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your father is very proud of you and would love Mr. Taffy. At the same time, I am happy to hear that your mom will have the honor to walk you down the aisle and dance with you.
hi
my mom passed away of a ruptured brain aneurysm 15 years ago and it totally made me realize how life is so precious.
like someone said above, he is with you always watching over you! has never left your side…
i dedicated the wedding and reception to my mom because she loved to throw parties. so at the wedding i announced the party was for her and also in the program…
my father also died before I met my husband and i am sad that he never got to meet him.
But i’m so glad that your mother is walking down the aisle. my mom did, too, and it one of my favorite memories of the day.
Wow, what a touching post. I have tears in my eyes.
It must be extremely tough knowing your father won’t be with you on your wedding day physically, but I’m sure he’ll be with you in spirit. And choosing to have your mom walk you down the aisle is such an honor. I’m sure she’s thrilled.
I have suffered the death of two very close family members and my dad has suffered a traumatic brain injury. I am just like you in regards to my mom and my fiance. I have a lot of anxiety and panic regarding them and their health and well-being, to my detriment sometimes. I really understand your pain and the difficulty you face each time you can’t get one of them on the phone. I hope you find some peace.
My brother passed away suddenly six years ago. He and I were a year and a half apart in age, so we were always very close. I am going to have a charm made with a picture of him to tie to my bouquet (Etsy seller DesignsbyTami) so he will be with me on my wedding day.
My husband’s father passed away a month before our wedding of colon cancer that had spread throughout his body. My husband did not want to do anything during the wedding, but I knew it was really taking a toll on him. During the reception, I had someone sneak out the flowers from our head table, and a couple of pumpkins (fall wedding), and put them in the backseat of our car. The next morning on our way to our day after brunch, I drove us to the cemetery and put the flowers from our wedding on the new grave. It was our way of having his dad be a part of our wedding.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I was not sure how to approach honoring my dad at the wedding, and I am thankful for all of the ideas and stories that you have shared!
@Haley: @alabama bee: Leaving ceremony flowers or a boutenere on the grave is a really touching idea. I will definitely consider doing something like that.
@shibaby: @Sunshine383: @Cassie: The paranoia can be really hard to deal with. Sometimes it just comes of of nowhere! When Mr. T and I started talking about life insurance etc for after the wedding, I had a breakdown and cried for four hours, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him! Most of the time movies where parents or significant other pass away are extremely upsetting to me. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
@Sarah: Anything that I choose to do to honor my dad will definitely be subtle! I wouldn’t want to cast a gloomy feeling on the event, and my friends and family are quite aware of the situation. I’ll have to check out the link that you sent, thanks for posting it!
I don’t think one blog entry has ever resonated with me quite like yours just did. I also lost my father 4 years ago, and feel like much of what you said is also very true for me. I think I will honor my father with a special picture in a locket on my bouquet and with some pictures of us together grouped with other family photos. I am not comfortable with more than that, because I think I will get too emotional. I am not sure what I will think when I get ready to walk down the aisle, but I keep telling myself to focus on the fun of the day, otherwise it will make it too difficult.
This post made me tear up. I am sorry for your loss. Brava for having the courage to write this.
I’m so sorry, what a terrible week. I lost my mother suddenly when I was 12. We saved a seat at the ceremony for her. My bro carried a picture of her down the isle and placed it on the seat, escorting her down. DH carried a yellow rose (her favorite flower) down the isle with him and placed it on her seat. Perhaps not a flower, but some artifact of your father’s could be carried down the isle?
There was a blurb about it in the programs and our favors were donations to Guide Dogs for the Blind (my mother was blind and went throught the program) as another way to honor her memory. My father also mentioned her in his toast.
I wanted to incorporate her in my wedding, but I didn’t want our wedding to become a second memorial. We tried to create a balance of joy, rememberance, and new beginings.
Having your mother fill the typical father of the bride roles is a beautiful way to acknowledge the fact that with the passing of your father, your mother had to fill both parental roles, as well as dealing with her own grief, and all that she gave to you.
Miss Taffy,
First, I would like to say how sorry I am about your loss. I think it’s wonderful that you are incorporating your mother into the typical father of the bride roles. Although my father didn’t pass, my grandfather (who was very close to me) passed about a month before our engagement. I honored him by attaching a wallet sized frame that contained his picture onto my bouquet. I used a pale yellow ribbon to attach the frame (since that was my main color). It really was a comforting feeling having him “walk” me down the isle along with my father (his son). It really stood out in my bouquet and was commented on by many family members and friends. That is just another option for you if you wanted to keep it more subtle rather than making your wedding become a second memorial service. I’m sure that whatever you decide to do will be very memorable for you and your mother both. Good luck.
Miss Taffy, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing a deeply personal experience with us. I can’t imagine what you have gone through. However you decide to honor your father, I’m sure it will bring you some peace on your special day, and you are very fortunate to have your mom there to walk you down the aisle. I think it will be so sweet to share a dance with your mom…. what song are you going to dance to? Let us know if you need some ideas
While it is nowhere near what you went through, my mom was in a bad car accident 3.5 years ago that really made me paranoid about losing her. (The accident was up the street from my apartment so after she had passed out and came to again, she called me from her cell phone and I ran up and saw the whole scene. Mr. Cupcake says that is the worst thing that could have happened in that situation because I am now stuck with that visual.) I was also terrified of driving for a while. I have gotten a bit better, but it took a year of therapy to not panic every time she didn’t return a phone call promptly, or not break down crying every time someone cut me off on the road! I’m sure you know this, but talking through your fears with a professional was a lifesaver for me. And of course, we’re all always here to listen
xoxo, Mrs. Cupcake
@Mrs. Cupcake: I’m sorry to hear about the accident, that sounds terrifying! I’m sorry that you also have the issues with paranoia. It is really, really hard sometimes. Luckily with me, it does seem to go in bouts, so I get a rest from it often. If it continues to get worse or occurs more often I might try to talk to a professional. Thanks Miss Cupcake!
@bugaboo: @californiaborn: @Mrs. Sangria: Thanks for sharing the ways that you have planned and honored your loved ones. I really appreciate it.
Wow - So sorry to hear your story I lost my dad 4.5 years ago after a 2 year battle with cancer. I pretty much still cry every time I think about him and miss him dearly!!
You know when I was younger I always pictured the big stereotypical church wedding where you invite all your friends and all your parents friends etc. After losing my dad I wanted nothing to do with that. I’m not sure if it’s cause he’s such a big ‘player’ in that event or what. But my dream wedding became a very small and intimate family affair with only those people who matter most
~ My big brother walked me down the aisle which was very special to me
~ We had two large orchids behind us as memorials to my dad and my hubby’s mom (Who passed away less then a year before our wedding)
~ We had the preacher read a short poem basically saying they are with us.
~ Since my hubby hadn’t found a wedding band he like we used my dad’s for the ceremony.
~ I also wore a bracelet that belonged to his mom
~ We skipped the Mother/Son, Father/Daughter dances - but we did dance to two songs as husband and wife - one of those being “I loved her first” by Heartland
I think the hardest part about planning my wedding was figuring out the right way to include them - I know you’ll figure out what works best for you!
I just wanted to tell you I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m glad your mom will be there to support you! I love the idea of honoring her with a dance:)
Miss Taffy,
I am so very sorry for your loss.. it is probably one of the hardest things to lose your father, especially if he was very much loved.
It has been very helpful for me to see this post and other’s comments. I lost my future father-inlaw in July from Alztheimers, my Father in Spetember from sudden cardiac death, my beloved dog of 12yrs in October, and my father’s sister in November. It has been quite a tragic year for me and my family. I know exactly what you mean about paranoia.. I can’t bare for the phone to ring early in the morning.. Anyways I am getting married in June and I am having a terrible time making the decision about who will walk me down the isle and how to honor our father’s. I can’t even think about it without crying… but it is getting better I guess.. So I would like to thank all of you for your posts, they have been very helpful…
@bugaboo:
bugaboo… i am in the same situation… it has only been 3 months since my dad died suddenly and i desperately want to honor him, but i don’t know if i can handle it even 6 months from now.. or if others can handle it…
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Mrs. Taffy, Ann Arbor
Age and Occupation: 28, Color and Materials Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Automotive Designer
Engagement Date: May 9, 2008
Wedding Date: May 2009
Blogging Since: September 14, 2008
Venue: University of Michigan Union
About Me: I’m a girl who is crazy about Mr. Taffy, sewing, dancing, almost all types of sweets, and our cute pet canaries. I dislike touching fuzzy fabric of any kind, eating somewhat squishy food, and Michigan winters. Mr. Taffy and I are having a blast planning our Ann Arbor wedding, and cannot wait to share our day with friends and family.
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