Wedding Blog
I’ve been thinking, thinking, thinking about this a lot lately…. Like everyone, Mr. Snapdragon and I have a lot going on. We both work a lot, and planning a wedding has proven to take up much more time than I imagined! It’s tough, tough, tough for us to make time to see each other. Quite often, I don’t see him until late on worknights and he works most every Saturday, so even the weekends are chockfull. So that’s challenging.
When we do get to see each other, often we need to lay out some long overdue wedding or money conversation. We’ve found that we even need to schedule our quality time so that every waking moment isn’t taken up with the day-to-day details of life. You’ve gotta go to dinner and a movie once in a while, ya know? Spontaneity when it comes to fun dates just does not happen. Maybe someday. I am sure just about all of you deal with the same thing.
Anyway, we have yet another thing we need to make time for: pre-marital counseling. I don’t want to put it off until spring, as I know we’ll be cray-cray with wedding details - so hopefully we can get the ball rolling on the counseling thing within the next few months. December is actually downtime for us, so that might be perfect.
There are quite a few options when it comes to premarital counseling. Of what I’ve seen, we can choose a church-based option or we could also choose a psychologist-based option. I am open to both, but I also kinda want to DO both. Pastors obviously counsel hundreds of couples, but I appreciate the PhD in Psychology that a secular counselor might have. I also appreciate the spiritual aspect, too, though.
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I know my mom saw a counselor who was both - a pastor with a degree. I think it was through some sort of counseling network. Maybe look into your local options and see if there is a referral network or a large practice group that might offer different options (such as a secularly qualified minister)?
I would do both if you can’t find a two-in-one as elizabeth suggested. Spirituality is a huge part of any relationship. But unfortunately, for all their good aspects, sometimes the pastors have weird ideas that aren’t backed up with research and are just… not true!
Instead of a psychologist I would look into an MFT (marriage and family therapist) who does pre-marital counseling. Psychology is more individual-oriented, while MFTs are more systems oriented… so they work better with relationships.
I’ve posted before about our couples counseling. We love our counselor, and he helps us deal with our individual hang-ups and challenges. On the other hand, I think we’ll also do formal pre-marital counseling offered by our state (or maybe a church) because it’s more guided, with an agenda specific to getting married.
I’d recommend both! Start with the guided pre-marital counseling, then go to a couples counselor for specific areas of challenge.
I would say that if you are going to go through the church make sure it’s one you both feel comfortable in. I’ve heard of a few cases where the church has certain counseling requirements and some use that as a chance to get on a soapbox.
Luckily I didn’t have to deal with that at all as ours was pretty laid back.
The pastor who did our premarital counseling had a PhD in psychology. He did his dissertation on personality testing, and personality types. I suppose it depends upon your church, and how much emphasis they put on education, but I think that most of the pastors I have known over the years actually have advanced degrees in either psychology or sociology. If you think about it, it makes total sense for someone whose job is dealing with people. I would ask about the educational background of your pastors - you might be surprised.
Also, while a lot of church “programs” are of the weekend-long retreat variety, many pastors are willing to do individual couples counseling, if you just ask. Our premarital counseling was in 60 - 90 minute sessions, at most once a week (sometimes two weeks in-between). I think that was idea, as it gave us lots of time to think about and discuss individual topics between sessions. The pastor also often gave us homework. As a result, I think we got a lot more out of it than we would have gotten with the same amount of time in a weekend class.
I wholeheartedly recommend a “Weekend to Remember” conference sponsored by Family Life (www.familylife.com/weekend). My husband and I attended one while we were engaged, and it covered a lot of good material in a short amount of time (Fri night - Sun noon). The principles they teach have a spiritual basis, but the speakers are not overly “preachy” which was perfect! I was also happy that it was a non-intimidating environment (mostly listening, with one group activity). It’s a little pricey, but well worth the investment.
PS. This is not just for engaged couples… we met a variety of couples who had been married 2 years, 10+ years, second marriage, etc. Hope this helps!!
I have a master’s degree in counseling and my advice is to try to find a counselor who embodies both the trained psychologist and spiritual aspects, such as a pastor with a psychology degree or a spiritually-oriented marriage and family therapist. Your pastor may be a good resource in finding the latter. My premarital program was conducted by psychologists from an openly religious marriage and family practice. I’m sure such a thing exists in your area too.
I would actually advise against seeing two counselors, however; not only would it take twice the time and money, but you would also probably end up repeating yourselves a lot (i.e., explaining what you did in the other session as opposed to getting into new material). It can also be difficult if they have differing opinions. They are supposed to coordinate but it’s not always a perfect match.
Regardless, you want to ensure whomever you see has experience in premarital counseling specifically—-the issues with this type of counseling are well-known and you don’t want to have to reinvent the wheel with a counselor not schooled in premarital work.
We did the prepare/enrich pre- marital counseling through the church we were married in.. it was five 2 hour sessions and I think it covered a lot but it didn’t really cover a lot of issues we might have so we’re going to also be taking “basic training for relationships” which is a military supported program that is offered to military families! I’m really excited for it!
We’re going the psych route, mostly because neither of us are religious people. We’ve actually been to four sessions, and it’s great!!! Would highly recommend some type of counseling, it just helps having someone there to take the emotion out of whatever issue you’re talking about.
Also, we found this book incredibly helpful:
1001 Questions to ask before you get married by Monica Mendez Leahy
http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
Heeeyyyy, we’re starting our counseling in December too!
We’re going through the pastor who will be marrying us. It’s a requirement for us to get married in our church. I think it’s really awesome that you have the choice to do a secular psychologist as well- take advantage of that!
Good luck!
I really didn’t like our pre-marital counseling in the church although I did enjoy the retreat they had us attend! However, J and I are seeing someone for preventative care (how to fight/play nice). My employer offers a joint program with an Employee Resource Center and we get the counseling for free. The sessions are fantastic and we’ve had a lot less arguments that result in tears!
Our church pre-marital classes are actually led by a couple from the church who have been married about 10 years. It gives a different perspective but it is also in a group setting. You might want to check out how the churches in your area run their pre-marital classes.
We did the church route. That being said - it was right for us. We are “of faith” and we like and agree with the priest at my hometown church who will also be marrying us. Our counseling started with a personality test that we took separately and hen he sent them off for analysis and the rest has been going over those results and what they mean for us as a couple and our strengths and weaknesses. All that has been filled in with stories about he and his wife and the things they’ve learned from life and from counseling. For us - very helpful.
I think couseling is a great idea! Just be advised that if you go through most church programs, its a looooong 8 hour day that might make your groom a little nutso…..Mr. Dumpling wrote me lyrics to a crazy song instead of the love letter he was supposed to write (like all the OTHER couples). LOL. Just sayin’!!
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Miss Snapdragon, Chicago
Age and Occupation: 30, Production Assistant for a Media Firm
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Education Administrator
Wedding Date: June, 2009
Blogging Since: November 14, 2008
Venue: The Hyatt Lodge
About Me: Vintage and crafting obsessed. Voracious reader of short stories, Russian literature, National Geographic and Cosmo. I am a GENIUS at spicing up Weight Watchers recipes and a pathological cheater at board games. A Texan transplanted to the snowy Midwest, I can't wait to marry my one and only. Is it June yet? ... What about now?
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