Wedding Blog
I’ve been trying to write a post about “stuff” for a while but I haven’t managed to get it finished.
What do you do with the artifacts from your previous relationships as you start a new family in marriage? I have wedding pictures from my first wedding, mementos from vacations taken with my ex-husband, photos of people that aren’t in my life anymore, not to mention the saucepans that were a wedding gift (the last wedding gift that I still have). I don’t want to keep them, but I can’t manage to get rid of them.
I realized today that it’s a metaphor for a bigger issue, so as hard and painful as writing this will be, it’s important enough that I will find a way.
My fiance found me in a closet last night, rifling through a stack of photographs I found while on a hunt for Velcro to finish a sewing project (more on that later). “Look, honey, here’s a picture of me with long hair!” We laughed and moved into the dining room to continue the fun. I narrated each picture as I handed it over, carefully skipping pictures of my ex-husband or my first wedding. I showed him pictures of my first dog, of cats that I’ve loved, of my college roommate before we stopped speaking, of my ex-nephew. We had a great time. He was mesmerized by a picture of me in my college cheerleading uniform (men!); I was happy to remember funny stories.
Then suddenly, I was crying. Those cats and that dog? I loved them, promised them a home with me forever, and yet, they’re not here with me now. My college roommate and I stopped speaking over a disagreement involving a dry cleaning bill. Seriously. That nephew? I loved him more than I knew I could love anyone. He was my favorite kid and I was his “person,” the adult he could count on to back him up when being a kid got overwhelming. I lost him in the divorce, out of deference to his family and my unwillingness to make him feel like he had to choose between us. The ex-husband? I promised my life, my heart, and my love to him. He was a good guy who made a great husband, and I was a terrible wife. Blame it on immaturity, selfishness, and mostly ignorance* (I do), but I couldn’t live up, and I broke my promises. And my grandparents, so happy and young and alive, posing and dancing at our wedding. I’ve lost all three of the grandparents I’d ever known in the years since my ex and I separated.
I have been given an amazing opportunity for a re-do. I’m thankful every day for this life I get to live, the one with another good man who loves me and will be a great husband, with friends that stick with me and love me even when I screw up, with cats and a puppy who will be part of my family as long as they live. Growing up has been very hard. I’ve left a path of mistakes and regrets and failed relationships in my wake, and for that reason, I’m determined to live up to the promises I’ve made to the people (and animals) with whom I share my life today. I don’t know of any other way to honor my mistakes than to prove that I have learned my lessons. I will be a wonderful wife, will love and provide for my family, will get past petty disagreements and selfishness with friends… but it’s very sad that the people benefiting from this grown up me aren’t the ones that got me here.
I keep looking for a way to find some peace with my past, and in the end, it all seems to be tied up in my stuff. So, I’m going to refill my coffee, put on my beloved’s sweatshirt, and go through my boxes one last time (and because I’ve learned my lessons well, I’m going to ask for help from a good friend who loves me). Stuff that tells the story of my people**, is part of my public history*** or is just plain fun gets to be displayed in an album or on a shelf. Stuff that is my story, my past, my own personal trove of life lessons… that stuff will go in a box, with a lid gently closed with a little prayer of thanks. When I need a reminder that vows matter, that family comes first, that pride and selfishness and personal comfort should not, can not, will not come before love and loyalty and commitment in my life, I’ll take out the box and I’ll remember.
Some stuff you can’t get rid of because it’s a metaphor for your growth and maturity, and you can’t move on without being willing to remember how you got here. So, you keep the stuff — not because you want to go back, but because you need to go forward.
What did you do with your “stuff”?
*I use the word “ignorance” carefully because it’s often misused. “The lack of knowledge or education” is very appropriate here. For various reasons, I just didn’t know what being married meant in day-to-day terms. I didn’t know what “marriage takes work” MEANT. I know now that it means holding my tongue when I’d rather let loose, supporting my guy when I disagree, choosing my battles, and being confident and independent enough not to be hurt right away. It’s giving him the benefit of the doubt and doing the uncomfortable thing because it’s best for us (not just me). It’s sucking it up and going to couples counseling. It’s being willing to change to make our lives better. Being in a good relationship is a skill as much as it is an intent, and I lacked those skills the first time around. I’d always heard, “marriage is work” but I had no idea what that actually meant.
**I use the phrase “my people” often, adapted from Ruth 1:16 (”…and your people will be my people…”), one of my favorite descriptions of a marriage.
***I have a public history and a private one. The public history is the narrative I share with most people - grew up in New Mexico, came to Knoxville via New York City and Chicago, am a lover of puppies and cats. The private history includes the details that I hold closer - I was divorced, my ex-husband was a chef, I once dated a coworker and it was a huge mistake. It’s not that I’m not willing to acknowledge my past, only that sharing too much can be awkward for other people. Displaying photos or mementos that would be tough to explain without an omission or fib is a no-no (I don’t lie, and I can’t stand awkwardness).
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Share this post: Closing the Lid… Gently
Thank you very much for this post Ms. Cheese, I really appreciate your openness and honesty. <3
I too am a encore bride. I was looking at pictures a few weeks ago wondering what to do with them. I don’t want to throw out my history but I don’t want to offend my hubs to be by keeping them either. It’s tough huh.. *SIGH*
Thanks for the post. Good to know I’m not the only one dealing with similar feelings.
if we don’t have the mistakes we can not enjoy the successes.
Miss Cheese - you always have the most beautifully vulnerable posts. I too know what its like to have a past that teaches me a better future, and sometimes I get mad about “the time I wasted”… but more often you’re right. Those memories lead the way toward a stronger, more uniquely perfect future.
@Pumpkin: I asked my mister how he felt about it, and he said that what mattered was how I felt about it. Perhaps your hubs will be best respected by you finding a solution that gives you peace. I’ve considered storing the pics from my first wedding at my mom’s, or sealing them into a box, or leaving them stored in plain sight so that it doesn’t feel like I’m trying to hide them.
Honestly, I can’t wait to have kids with Mr. Cheese, because then I won’t have ever done it before — no repeats there.
@Miss Meatball: Ditto, you said everything I was thinking 
My ex and I traveled all over the world. It was a fabulous time in my life. My rule of thumb was simular. If it related to my travels/adventures, it is stored or displayed with my other simular type items which include pre and post ex husband.
If it is related to my life at during that time (photos of family and friends, including wedding photos although I think those are more to reference the details of the wedding more than the marriage), it is stored in a box, not easily accessed but if I should need it, I could find it.
If it is directly related to the relationship I had with my ex, I have gotten rid of it. (Old letters, date momentos, etc.) These things should be replaced with the new man in your lifes memories.
For me, I am constantly trying to minimize the things I hold on to for sentimental purposes - at some point we have to trust our hearts have recorded the details we need to keep of a past love or a pathway we have tread.
Ahh, so far no one has given any actual advice. I too have a lot of past relationship “stuff”. I have gotten rid of must of the clothing items, and decided to keep the pictures, stored with all my other pictures, because it’s not a secret. (I’m not divorced, but this is my 2nd engagement.) My only struggle is this huge painting the ex painted for me, it is far to personal to keep as art, not the sort of thing I could sell or give away, but I don’t want to destroy it. Destroying it is looking like the only option. Had we married it would have been a neat thing to hang in our home, but It just exists in my parent’s garage. Anyway, I think you should keep the pictures.
I’ve done it in phases. After the divorce, I first got rid of most of the print photos and wedding scrapbooks. I kept about 20 printed wedding photos of relatives and grandparents and other family/friends whom I treasured and stuck those in a compact little photo album. I moved too, and took that as an opportunity to ‘clean house’ - getting rid of many momentos that the ex and I had collected together (reminders I didn’t need to keep seeing).
When my new love and I got serious I found myself going through ALL of my photo albums and removing photos of my ex. I kept other photos (from trips we took, etc), but removed the ones with him in them. This was for my own healing, but also because I didn’t want our future family looking through old photos and asking me tons of questions about it. To be clear, I don’t intend to keep it a secret from future children; I just don’t see a reason to have those photos around. This is my life now, and it doesn’t include that person.
I put those few photos I had saved in a locked, out of the way place. I still have that and my ring in that same location, with the digital copies of all the wedding photos. I probably don’t need to have those anymore, and will eventually get rid of them too. Initially I’d wanted to save them but as time’s gone on, I feel I have no reason to. It doesn’t bring me happiness or cheer to have them around.
“but it’s very sad that the people benefiting from this grown up me aren’t the ones that got me here.”
…this moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to reflect on myself through your story.
I have learned so much about myself from reading your posts, and wish I could tell you how much I truly appreciate you and your truthful soul-searching!! You’re my favorite bee. For some advice, I display items that make me feel good when I see them. Otherwise, a very pared-down amount of items are in our garage in separately labeled small boxes that represent different periods in my life. My high school journal has come in surprisingly handy a few times in my life. I’m considering letting my future children read parts of it so that they know ‘yes, I was a teenager too once, and I probably DO understand what you’re going through!’ I have also saved all my husbands early love-letters from other women, b/c they are a part of a previous him who I never will get to know. I love him for who he is today, and all of these people helped him get here, so I am thankful to them, b/c now I get the benefit of everything he learned in those relationships!!
@LL: I’ve thought about future children too… and I wouldn’t hide this from them. Would they care to see pictures of my first husband?
I suppose it’s really about me. I forget what people look like over time, and it would be terribly sad to forget what the man that I spent 10 years of my life with looked like.
It’s all very sad, but necessary.
@LC: At least I wasn’t the only one in tears!
@Meatball: DITTO! Sucks about the time I wasted, but the little box I have in the back of my closet reminds me of why I appreciate what I have now.
As usual, your writing is eloquent, honest, and beautiful. I have pretty much nothing from past relationships, since Mr. HC and I have been dating for 15 years. I had a brief fling in college, but all I have of that relationship are a few awkward photos.
Miss Cheese I really love your posts because I am a 2nd time bride as well. My ex and I have children so it is little harder to let go of the past. There are photos of my first marriage and photos of them with their father before he decided not to be a part of their lives that I have put up for them. I have let him and that part of my life go. There were a lot of hurt feelings and some drama but I have grown from that and I know that I am going in this new marriage with realistic expectations and a healed heart. I saved those things for the kids because I want them to know that despite the result they were born to two people that were madly in love with each other and adored each of them. Thank you for this post.
I think even if you aren’t a 2nd time bride you can benefit from this practice. I too have a box full of old memories that I cherish. Those things are in the past, things that my FI and I did not share together. But they are the things that made me who I am today and made me the person who was ready and willing to share my life with him. I think its important to remember that they are still you, even if its not the same you. Miss Meatball said it right - these memories are the things that shaped a better and brighter future.
Beautifully said, Miss Cheese. I love how honest you are, and that you’re not afraid to look long and hard at yourself and say it how it is. I think you’re great!
Miss cheese… My parent’s have been married for 30 years, and it was a second marriage for both of them. If your future children are anything like my sister and me, they will certainly have a fascination at some point with your previous marriage. I loved looking through my mother’s first wedding album, as well as my parents’. It reminds you they are people too, you know?
Love the post. (As I love all your thoughtful posts!) It reminds me of a couple occasions in my life. My dad was married prior to my mom to his college sweetheart for about 7 years. They didn’t have any kids so physically she was not a part of his life or our lives after that. I don’t know how old I was when I found out but it wasn’t a big deal - and was usually a forgotten thought. (A friends Dad once asked me if I was related to a coworker of his Carol ____ - and I was like um no. Later found out it was my dad’s first wife.) I do remember looking through a folder with him once that had old high school newspaper articles, college frat party photos, and photos of ‘Carol’. It was interesting to me. This part of his life. I remember asking him about the marriage and if he had any regrets etc. It was a good father daughter conversation! It’s also funny that a lot of our furniture growing up (my parents bedroom suite and dining room suite) was from his first marriage. My mom always hated the stuff and called it BJ (Before Jeanie) but my dad refused to replace it since it costs so much Makes me smile. I know have the china cabinet in my house repainted *cause it was ugly*! My dad has passed away - so these memories bring an extra smile to my face - thinking about his ’stuff’ Thanks.
[...] Not long after we were engaged, I found an old box of photos from earlier times in my life (which is a euphemism for my first wedding/ marriage, because I’ve decided it’s time to stop talking about it so much now that the chapter is finally, blessedly, peacefully closed). My fiance found me sitting on the floor in tears while I struggled to deal with the rush of memories…. [...]
Wow, this is such a great post. Who doesn’t have a box of paraphernalia from their “past lives”? This is definitely a poignant issue, and thank you so much for sharing.
I know this post is old, but hopefully you’ll still get this comment…
I’ve been reading the Bee for only a few months, but you are hands down one of my favorites, mainly because of your honesty and openness. Although I was never married before, I am having trouble “closing the lid” on an old relationship. I have found myself coming back to this post time and time again, to the point that I have parts memorized. Whenever I feel down, I remind myself to honor my mistakes by proving that I have learned my lesson. Your words have had such an impact on me, and have helped me reaffirm that I am in the right place now. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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