Weddingbee Blog

People who chose to not attend still burns me up. Just about none of my side decided to show up. I mean we only had about 20 RSVP yes. And even then we had a huge family of 7 RSVP yes and then didn’t show up, didn’t get a card from them later. Just nothing.

But on the plus side it means that I don’t have to go to any of there things.

This is such a good post! We just found out that one for my fiance’s good friends from college won’t be able to come because of a prior engagement. It is such a bummer, and while we expected some declines, we didn’t expect them from such close friends. However, now we know that everyone has a different reason for not coming. But no amount of money or guests will replace their absence.

For us, it was not the declines that hurt, it was the people who didn’t even bother to decline. People who I thought would definitely make an effort, did not even rsvp. And then there were some who I assumed would be uninterested given their busy schedules and/or distance- but they made it a priority to be there on our day. You just never know I guess!
Two lessons learned:

1. Like you, I make an extra effort to promptly rsvp to everything and to always show my appreciation for being included in the invite.

2. I learned that I have a long memory. I never meant to memorize who failed to rsvp or who said they would be there and simply didn’t show up, but I remember! That’s probably not a great thing on my part, but it’s true. I have actually received two wedding invitations from people who never even rsvped to mine. I absolutely rsvped right away, but I am certain that the irony has been lost on them both.

Amen. I, too, learned this lesson during the wedding planning process. I had an old friend decline without a personal note, phone call or email and it still stings. I had other old friends, who I wasn’t that close to, make the trip and it just meant so much. I will never forget those who 1) made the effort to show up and be good guests, 2) effusively complimented me during the reception and 3) those who braved the cold and boogied with me on the dance floor. I have three weddings to attend next year and I cannot wait to “pay it forward”.

The dreaded decline.

It’s like the note you gave your elementary crush, asking if they would go out with you by checking (yes) or (no).

I think in general people should try to make any event they are invited to as a sign of respect (unless of course, there is something that is truely preventing them from attending).

Timothy

For us we chose to have our wedding in Colorado when we are both from the East Coast. Most of our guests have to travel for our wedding and we invited about 260. We are hoping for 120-150 but with the economy who knows! I love your idea about including a personal note though…thats a great idea!

If you decide to add a note forcing people to explain why they can’t attend, what do you do next - require a doctor’s note if they claim to be ill?

A decline is absolutely nothing like your crush refusing to date you in grade school. People decline because they can’t make it, not because they don’t like you. Imagining reasons why they didn’t come is nothing but hurtful to yourself and the relationship you have with those people. The amount of people who decline to attend is more reflective of the busy lives people lead day to day than your popularity with that person.

Sure it’s sad that some people can’t make it and you might like to know why, but trying to force it out of people is fairly absurd. People have a right to privacy and if you did start forcing confessions out of people you might feel pretty bad if you got back responses that were both legitimate and very personal rather than the spurious reasons you imagined.

I actually had several people say they RSVPd but I never got them. At first I didn’t believe them, but when more people said it, including people I really trusted to RSVP on time, I just blamed the post office. So maybe we shouldn’t assume that all people are being rude and not RSVPing. Maybe they’re getting lost in the mail!

I think what Suzanno and m resent is the implication in your post that declining to attend an invitation is rude. Not RSVPing, or failing to attend after one has accepted: that is truly rude. Declining (in a timely, polite, decorous way) isn’t.

Since I’ve been married, my husband and I have attended roughly half of the weddings to which we’ve been invited. (Not a single one has occurred in the state(s) in which we’ve lived or else I’m sure we would have gone to more.) While there is some correlation between our closeness the the couple and our rate of attendance, we have had to miss some weddings to which we would have loved to go and we have attended weddings even when we didn’t feel particularly close to the couple because it was convenient, etc. There are myriad reasons why we’ve turned down invitations, but I can safely say that we’ve never done so in order to cause an intentional slight.

Throwing a wedding reminds one of the importance of etiquette, but it also charges situations that are only really charged for the bride. I was hurt by things when I was planning my wedding which, with time, I’ve realized weren’t hurtful at all. I’m sorry that members of your family behaved in what sounds like a legitimately impolite way, but I also think time may give you some perspective.