Weddingbee Blog

I’m fascinated by how much variance there is concerning the involvement of people’s families in their wedding plans. It got me thinking about our situation, and how differently our two families are reacting to the whole thing. They’re all incredibly supportive of our love and marriage in general, but, to put it bluntly, my future in-laws are just not into the wedding. They’re into me, and (obviously) into Mr. Meatball. But the wedding, it seems, just isn’t their thing.

Quick back story: Mr. Meatball comes from a small family, most of the extended members of which live overseas. Mr. Meatball’s father has had 3 formative wedding experiences: two of which were grand, bank-busting, headaching affairs, and the other was his happy tiny courthouse wedding to Mr. Meatball’s mother. Mr. Meatball’s mom is a very unfussy and lovely woman, who adored her simple courthouse wedding, and finds small, intimate and inexpensive celebrations most sensible/meaningful.

We see his parents periodically and whenever possible, but they travel a lot for work and live in NY most of the year, so our time with them is limited and often brief. We have an annual ritual of spending New Years together in Santa Fe, which is a time I cherish, because it gives me a better chance to get to know them and vice versa. They’re wonderful and loving parents who dote on Mr. Meatball and support his decisions no matter what.

On the other side of the coin: My father supports marriage, but has also not been all that into ’weddings’ as a rule.

Growing up, the joke was always that we should elope if given the chance. When my sister got married last year, he started to come around some (infection of the warm fuzzies, methinks), but still I heard the old “take the money and run” jokes. However, since we’ve gotten heavily into planning, I can feel his excitement growing. My mother is much more agreeable to weddings, enjoys them quite a bit, and is very excited about our big day.

We lived quite close to my parents for the first 4 years of our relationship, and moved in with them for the last 4 months before moving to LA. So, Mr. Meatball and my folks have a really close relationship and know each other really well. I can’t even express what a bonus this is for me… how nice is it to hear your fiance tell your parents he loves them, and know he means it? So nice!

My family is HUGE. My mother’s side includes 6 siblings, their children, and their childrens’ children. My father’s side includes many cousins, and two successive generations of children. To have a “small intimate” wedding that includes all my family is just impossible, but I am very close to all my family and it’s important they feel included. We decided to aim for 100-ish guests, and chose a neutral location to which almost everyone in our families would have to travel. To me, 100 guests is a small-medium wedding. To my future in-laws, it’s BIG.

My parents have been super supportive and excited about the wedding, right out of the gate… but in a wonderful moderation. They take interest in our decisions but never force their opinion. They offer suggestions but never get offended if we don’t use them. If this was Goldilocks, they’d be juuuuuust right. We’re very lucky. They also voraciously read my blog, so everybody say, “Hi mom and dad!”

On the flip side, Mr. Meatball’s parents are much more aloof. They don’t ask many questions or make suggestions. When we mention ideas or whatnot, they’re always friendly and nice in response, but you can sense a degree of indifference. Apparently they’ve checked out my blog but they’ve never said a word about it to me (which stings a bit, but what can you do). They aren’t against the wedding, to be clear… they’re just ’meh’ about it.

At first, and still periodically, I’m thrown off by their disinterest. It’s hard not to take it personally on those days I’m feeling sensitive. The rest of the time, I’m very grateful. I hear brides complain about their meddling in-laws and having to please them at every turn, and I’m relieved that’s not an issue for us. They’re quite agreeable, really, but mostly by default.

I get through any frustration with my future-in-laws by telling myself, “when they see it all come together, they’ll understand.” Only time will tell, and I really should prepare myself for no reaction at all, so there’s no possible letdown. I know they like me. I know they know I’m good for Mr. Meatball. They’re entirely lovely to me and I don’t mean to sound critical or ungrateful at all.

Personally, I don’t like the feeling of “needing approval” anyway. I’ve come to realize that desiring approval from people is a selfish need and I work at trying to fulfill myself instead. So, I’m trying to be zen about it, and just focus on knowing that what we’re doing is best for us… and that’s all that matters.

How do you deal with families, new and old? Are yours of the too-involved, or not-involved-enough variety? How do you cope?