Wedding Blog
I think Mr. Fondue has narrowed down which buddies from work to invite, but I am stuck. There are about 30 people that work in my office. Obviously, I can’t invite them all, as that would add 60 or more people to our guest list (which we are trying to keep around 150, as that’s about the max that will fit in our reception hall).
One person is a definite. Mr. Fondue and I hang out with him and his wife outside of work on occasion and consider them friends. We also attended their wedding last year. (For those that are curious: He did a group invitation to the entire office, but their wedding was out of state, so, naturally, that weeded out most people for them.) We work in the same department.
There’s only one other person in our department, our boss. I’ve never hung out with her outside of work functions, but I have talked about the wedding to her (with both of her employees engaged at the same time, there was quite a bit of wedding talk in our department meetings), so she’s currently on the guest list. However, there’s a possibility she may be moving out of state before next May.
Then there are a few other people who I have invited to parties and such outside of work, who seemed interested in attending, but have had prior commitments. They are all part of a group that includes the definite invitee that regularly hang out for lunch, and sometimes I join them. Do I invite these people?
There is also a woman who is really friendly and regularly invites people to cookouts and whatnot (though I’ve never been able to attend). She also sometimes joins the aforementioned group for lunch, and I’m considering inviting her and her husband.
I guess I just don’t really know where to draw the line. There are the people who I never really talk to, never eat lunch with, and don’t hang out with at work functions outside the office, which are easy to say that I don’t need to invite them. But the people I do talk to and like and would hang out with outside the office given the opportunity but never actually have… that’s where it gets blurry for me. Not to mention, I’m afraid of hurting someone’s feelings if they think they should be receiving an invitation but don’t.
How did you decide which co-workers to invite?
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Share this post: Co-Worker Conundrum
I am just inviting my department. (5 people + guests) I figured it’s the easiest way to avoid hurt feelings. I’m also inviting one other person I often chat with and work with.
Unfortunately, I only really like 2 of the people in my department, and am not sure I’d like the other 3, but I don’t think that’s an option from an etiquette POV. (Although I’ve been tempted, because I am leaving my job and moving right after the wedding, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the drama of hurt feelings in the office)
Think about your special day. Are you going to care of Co-worker A or B is there? Will they help make your day more special? Will you regret inviting them, or not inviting them?
Think more along those lines than “Will someone be offended”.
I’ve finally come to realize you can never invite everyone that thinks they “should” come.
Hope you figure it out!
Are family is so large that we can’t afford to invite co-workers, so we aren’t having any. My sister opted to only invite the ones she actually hangs out with outside of work, which is about 3 people and their dates.
Ew. The coworker situation. I decided to only invite those in my immediate department. My husband only invited the management staff at his workplace. We both were approached by other coworkers and “jokingly” asked why they were not invited but when I explained our reception hall held X amount of guests they seemed to understand. Best of luck!!
This is an interesting situation for me, because my fiance and I work together. So I am inviting my department and he is inviting his department. But since we do work together, we have made some close, mutual friends at the office, who we also are inviting. These are people who we occasionally hang out with outside the office.
So if you wanted to invite your boss and the friends you regularly eat lunch and spend time with, I think that would be fine. In the end, it is your wedding, and you should invite who you want to be there, not people you feel obligated to invite (that’s only necessary for family). Just make sure that you keep wedding talk at the office to a minimum (unless someone asks you, of course) as to avoid hurt feelings.
I’d include just the people you’ve actually hung out with outside of work. I tend to think that people make time for engagements if they really want to, so if you’ve invited them and they haven’t come, you’re probably not super close. Doesn’t mean you don’t like each other, but they might feel compelled to come if you invite them out of courtesy, and with guest lists so tough to cut, that might not make the most sense. Invite your close coworker and your boss and call it done (imho). Or, you can prioritize them with the rest of your guest list — are you closer to them than the other people that you didn’t invite?
Oh man, this is so hard. Several of my coworkers expect to be invited, but we are trying to have a small wedding. One of them even asked if it was “invitation-only”. Another asked where the wedding was, and when he heard, he said, “Oh good, that is close to my house so it will be easy for me to get there.” I didn’t want to tell him he was on the B list, so I don’t know what to do! I would love to invite them all, but our families are large and we have so many close non-work friends, and that makes the decision very difficult.
If I were you, I’d just invite the one definite person. We didn’t invite any to ours just for simplicity’s sake, and only invited 2 of mine to our Chinese banquet, so all the other people who I really like and have hung out with outside of work weren’t offended since we basically just “didn’t invite coworkers.” Then plead the whole “small wedding, just family and a few of our closest friends” thing.
I’m not inviting work people period. I work in Seattle, the wedding is in Tahoe and we just don’t have the capacity (with our huge families) to invite co-workers.
A good co-worker rule of thumb is if the co-worker has hung out with your fiance then they are invite-able. If they haven’t even met him, then don’t… Though I suppose all of this is contingent on the politics of your own workplace.
My fiance and I both work in the same (large) organization, so this is a bit of a tough one since we both know the same group of work people. So we made a simple rule that really helped: if we don’t see them socially outside of work, we’re not inviting them. That cut a potentially huge list down to about 10 people.
I have a really sticky situation to deal with on the co-worker invitation conundrum as well. Our office is really small (about 10 people). There about about 5 people I work with on a daily basis and the others work part-time or back in the warehouse. I’m close to 2 of them, and 3 of them I’m friendly with. The others I really only hang out with at work functions or if we’re all out together (I work in the music business so there are times when a band is in town and we all go out to the show together). Other than those times, I really don’t hang out with everyone at my work. If I invite all 10 people strictly out of courtesy then that would be adding 20 people to my guest list (which i really don’t want to do!). But if I don’t invite everyone then there will definitely be hurt feelings because it’s such a small office and also because my fiance used to work at the office as well (part-time while he was in school) and knows everyone who works here. Additionally, there is one person in particular that I just really don’t care for (rude, immature, lewd, drinks a lot…and we’re having an open bar) and I really don’t want to be obligated to invite him just so that I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. So I’m really not sure what I’m going to do here! I still have about 3 months to decide…but either way it’s going to be difficult. I have to decide what matters more….inviting people that I truly want to be at our wedding or attempting not to hurt anyone’s feelings…. ugh.
I work in a very small office (about 10) and it’s either invite all or invite none, with no option to pick and choose without hurting some feelings. It took a while to come to a decision about who to invite–it did end up being everyone, although I don’t fully expect all of them to come.
In your situation I think I’d invite the coworker, the boss, and the lunch group, as you seem to see them regularly. I think I might draw the line for everyone else as there doesn’t seem to be as strong of a connection. Good luck figuring all of this out!
I was given the advice to imagine if the person in question didn’t come to the wedding… would that upset you? You’ll probably feel fine about a co-worker who isn’t present, but would be upset if say, your favorite Aunt were missing. While you need to be careful about picking and choosing out of small groups like co-workers, just remember that it’s not a carnival, it’s your wedding. Actually, sometimes people who are not terribly close to you are relieved not to be invited because they don’t have to get a gift, find a babysitter, mingle with your relatives, etc. I’d just go with the people you hang out with outside of work or are close to and eat lunch with every day and have real friendships with.
Even though we are inviting about 250 people, I’m plannig to invite only one person with his date. I think grooom can get away with it easier than brides. I’m not even inviting the people that report to me.
The other thing you can do is wait to see who’s going to decline and then do a second wave of invites.
It’s really up to you. If I was still at my current job when I get married next year (I’m hoping I won’t be!) I would invite my entire department, which is about nine people including my boss. I know most of them wouldn’t come since my wedding is about a 90 minute drive from the workplace.
Thank you all for your opinions! There’s so many places where lines can be drawn; it’s just hard to pick the “right” one. I have considered splitting them into an ‘A list’ and ‘B list’.
@doctorgirl: That does sound like a good rule of thumb, but unfortunately, most everyone in the office has met him at some point, due to family picnics, holiday parties, etc.
We invited only those people from work that we actually hang out with outside of work. Not people that we hang with at lunch, and certainly not everybody to whom we had talked about the wedding. (I mean, come on. People ask just to make polite conversation. Your coworkers don’t necessarily want to go to your wedding - just like you don’t want them to invite you to their house for Christmas dinner, even though you’ve talked about what they are fixing, which relatives are coming, and what they are buying their kids.) Basically our criteria was - are we good enough friends with these people that even if they got transferred, or laid off, and we never saw them at work again, we would still be friends? That cuts out a lot of the work crowd.
Work people=B list… sounds horrible but unless they are someone who knows both bride and groom BEFORE the wedding they probably aren’t people that I would be able to pick out in wedding photos 20 years from now!!
B LIST B list– chant it with me!!
This has to be THE hardest part of wedding guest lists, IMO. I didn’t invite anyone from work, because there just wasn’t a natural “break” point for who to invite and who not to invite - and I work in a large department so inviting everyone was out of the question. DH on the other hand works for a very small firm, so we invited everyone. They spend more social time together, and there was only six people including spouses.
Everyone has already said really good points about the “co-worker conundrum,” as you put it. I couldn’t agree more with the difficulty in figuring it all out, as I’m in the same situation. I have lunch friends, but we don’t hang out a LOT outside of work. I think what it boils down to for me is, do you feel strongly about that person participating and being present for probably the most intimate and passionate day (with others present!) of your life. Do you want them to be a part of that? I personally see my wedding not as a social event, but as a beautiful connection amongst my groom and I, and the ones we love. Just food for thought:)
@autumnovia: That’s a very good point. I guess part of my problem is, since I originally wanted to elope and it was the Mr. who wanted everyone to be there, that there aren’t very many people that I do feel strongly about (which are mainly my close family members and the people in my wedding party).
I have invited lots of people that I care about and I would love to see there, but I guess, since I originally just wanted it to be only the two of us, I haven’t really been looking at it from that point of view and have been seeing it as more of a ‘party’, if that makes sense. But you make a very good point, that I really need to take into consideration.
Sorry for replying a few days late, but this is a great topic! Like Vicki, FI and I will be putting our co-workers on the B-list. While I’d love to invite them, there is just no room in our venue or our budget. Honestly, we don’t really spend a lot of social time (outside of work related functions) with these people and unless we knew them prior to these jobs, they won’t be invited.
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Miss Fondue, Nashville
Age and Occupation: 27, Technical Analyst
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Network Admin Student/Senior Game Advisor
Engagement Date: December 25, 2007
Wedding Date: May 2009
Blogging Since: September 14, 2008
Venue: Ravenwood Golf Club
About Me: I’m your average computer geek marrying a gaming geek and trying to find a good balance of elegance and geek chic in our wedding. I adore The Sims, Nintendo, cosplay, (good) music, TiVo, theme parks, and our two crazy felines.
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