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Weddingbee Blog
I’ve been contemplating blogging more about us, and our life together lately. I love how refreshing the posts can be. It’s such a relief to know that other couples are going through the same stuff we are. And yet I know that there are aspects to our relationship that make us unique and different.
We’ve struggled to find common ground, both in our personal life, and in our wedding plans.
We disagree about how to discipline Mini Crab Cake. It does help that I get defensive when this topic comes up. I tend to decide he’s making some sort of judgment on my ability to be a mother. He’s not, and my brain knows that, but I still get my feelings hurt. We argue about housework, a lot. I have always lived alone and taken care of the house alone. But this is a bigger house, and I work a lot more than I used to. I want help. He has probably told me a thousand times that if I ask, he’ll happily do it, but doing that reminds me of the chore lists my mom used to leave us when she went back to work after she and my dad divorced, and I hate that. I want him to have responsibilities that I don’t have to ask him to do. I want him to be able to look at the bathtub and say to himself, “The tub really needs a good scrubbing.” I realize he sees the mess through a different set of glasses than I do (man-goggles, if you will), but it’s still really frustrating to have to beg him to help me take care of our home. I have let go of some things.
I don’t fold his laundry anymore, I just sort his out, and take care of mine and Mini CC’s. But I still find myself getting annoyed when I have to clean up his soda cans, or beg him to put up his laundry.
I am not naive enough to believe that he doesn’t have a similar complaint list about me. I’m a nag. I expect him to get up and do the things I ask him to do right now. I’m completely non-confrontational, and hate fighting with him, so I tend to shut down when he’s mad at me. I am obsessed with our wedding and am driving him mad with it! He does not get it, and actually forbade me from talking to him about the wedding at all for the entire trip to California! I’m sure he could tell you more. I don’t want to leave a sour taste in his mouth about the wedding. I just want his input. I’ve kinda learned to narrow things down and then show them to him for help in making the final decisions.
We are definitely individuals. We tend to go about our own things and hobbies and we meet in the middle. We are very much independent of each other. I am not housewife material, and he’s still adjusting to being a parent. We love our jobs and work very hard at them (all 4 of them, 2 each). Our political views run on the same side of the fence, but he is definitely more conservative than I am. He still frowns on my tattoos (3 to date) and I am constantly telling him to stop being a stick in the mud.
Nevertheless, I have no doubt that we’ve made the right decision. I can’t image living my life without him. I can’t see myself with anyone else!
I love the way he curls up behind me on mornings when my alarm is going off at 4:30. It does not encourage me to get out of bed, but it’s probably the only time we cuddle in bed. I love the way he looks at me, especially early in the morning when my hair is all goofy and curly (because I sweat at night) and I’m squinty-eyed (because I can’t see) and my makeup is smeared (because I’m way too lazy to wash my face at night). Here I am at my ugliest, and he still looks at me like I am the most gorgeous thing he’s ever seen. He’s super charming, and gives endlessly of himself. Everyone loves him and he has a million friends (most are girls, and I’m still adjusting to that concept).
So, I know we’re in love, and will be happily married for a long time (forever!). But it’s nice to be able to recognize that neither of us is perfect, but we complement each other well.
Um, just so this post isn’t boring…
The most flattering picture of me, EVA!!! It was taken last Thursday morning in the Mickey and Friends parking structure at Disney. This was the third photo taken in 10 seconds and I was getting annoyed. No one wants to commemorate the parking structure!!!
Do you find that you and your partner are opposites? Do you think your differences help or hinder the success of your relationship?
All I can do is laugh; my fiance and I have the same struggles with cleaning and house work. I too want him to say ” wow I should clean that” but he doesn’t. I also want him to do the chore NOW if I ask for help; not in 15 minutes.
I think it is a female vs male thing, it really is!
Miss CC — are your future husband and mine the same person OR are we the same person. My fiance and I fight ALL.THE.TIME about housework. 
And while we don’t have any kiddies yet I can only imagine the disagreements that will arise.
As far as driving him nuts with the wedding — make him the wedding executive (my fiance LOOOVEEES telling his other engaged buddies about his title and specifically his high level decision making abilities) and have no wedding wednesday. As hard as it is to go one dinner and a tv show without showing him 4576 shades of green ribbon, my fiance really appreciates it.
Thanks for the great post! We should all get padded rooms next to each other.
Great post! Mr. PP and I argue about housework as well. He, like all other men, simply doesn’t see the dirt! And like Kate, when I ask him to do something, I want it done right now. He’d rather do it in 15 or 20 minutes. Sigh, men.
Side note: If you’d like a really amazing book about raising children (and I mean AMAZING), pick up Children: The Challenge by Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs. It’s so smart, you can’t help but see the logic in it. We use the techniques Dreikurs suggests in the classroom all the time, and let me tell you, they WORK!
Those things are all so very normal. Once in a while, my husband decides on his own that he is going to clean something (like the bathtub) and then spends hours on it and calls me in to show me all the dirt he found and acts like this is the first time it has ever been cleaned and he needs a medal or something. I remind him that it is just the first time HE cleaned it and that I clean it all the time and it is always that dirty. All I can do is laugh.
My fiance and I have this fight constantly. It always reminds of the scene in The Breakup where they are fighting and she goes “I want you to want to the dishes” and he responds “why would I ever want to do the dishes?” So true… no one wants to do the dishes, but I want you to help me because I dont want to do them by myself and if we both dont want to do them, why is it me that has to? Then I get the argument, well if we both dont want to do them, why do they have to be done right now. Grrr so frustrating.
I swear the day my FH thinks to clean on his own is the day the world is going to end! He just does.not.get.it and no amount of nagging will get him to do it without asking…but oh do I nag in hopes one day he’ll get it? Absolutely.
I would agree that these are all normal things to fight about–just not frequently or over the long-term.
Over time, most happy couples I know have developed ways of dividng labour in their households that makes them feel like equal contributors, even if outsiders wouldn’t see it that way. Example? My H2B does nearly ALL of the day-to-day household cleaning. Emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the counters, taking out the smelly litter box content. To an outsider, he does ALL the cleaning. In return however, I don’t nag him about the crumbs he missed, or the dishes he put back in the cupboard that weren’t totally spotless or the fact that he leaves bits in the sink overnight when he’s done cleaning up after dinner. Instead, I’m in charge of the less frequent, but deeper bi-weekly (or, sigh, monthly, when I’m busy) cleaning that takes care of all that, without making him feel unappreciated.
To answer your question about opposites, yes, my H2B and I are complete opposites, and if we’re not careful, we can have fights that are about something trivial, when they’re actually just us arguing for our personality’s “way” of handling the situation. So trivial! Being with an opposite is a big challenge, but I think you appreciate your partner and learn not to get frustrated as much when you pay attention to the things you’ve learned from that opposite. With his quiet, less forthright, free and more simplistic outlook on life, I know my H2B has made me more patient, calm, centered and less concerned about fulfilling the expectations others have of me.
I still do hate those bits in the sink though!
thanks for sharing what makes y’all a real couple… it’s always refreshing to realize you aren’t the only couple who isn’t a perfect fit… no one is a perfect fit, that’s why all relationships and marriages take work!
Mr. Taffy and I moved in together right after I was laid off, so I have been doing all of the cleaning, laundry, shopping, errands and cooking! It’s working out ok (although I am starting to tire of it), but
I’m pretty worried about the future, when I start a new job… since he’s used to me running the household, will he still expect me to do it all? eep!
OMG !! I TOTALLY just had this convo with DH yesterday… I was like I know you’ll help if I ask, but that makes it seem like it’s my responsibility and you’re doing me a favor ! I want to know that that particular chore is going to be taken care of and is YOUR responsibility… I want you to just go “oh the trash is full… I’ll dump it” =) I think he got it… we’ll see =)
…”He has probably told me a thousand times that if I ask, he’ll happily do it, but doing that reminds me of the chore lists my mom used to leave us when she went back to work after she and my dad divorced, and I hate that. I want him to have responsibilities that I don’t have to ask him to do. I want him to be able to look at the bathtub and say to himself, “The tub really needs a good scrubbing.”…”
AMEN SISTAH!!
Luckily my FI is a bit more anal about cleaning than I am. I’m not a slob, but I don’t need my apartment to be spic n’ span. I hate doing laundry and quickly hang up my clothes “every which way” according to my mother. They’re all on the hangers, so WTH is the big deal? FI hangs up his clothes with care, and folds them away nicely. So he can do this for me too. :p
He is forgetful and sometimes I have to nag him several times to remember to do something, but other than that, he’s a good egg.
We have a lot of similar issues. I used to always want Mr. PN to take the initiative and do something without my asking but I’m finally learning it just doesn’t happen unless I ask. He is happy to help but doesn’t volunteer. I remember watching The Break Up and the line “I just want you to WANT to do the dishes!” and he responds “Why would I WANT to do the dishes?!” So classic - I guess it is just a matter of perspective.
@Miss Taffy: That can be a hard habit to break. When Mr. PN and I moved in together he was working 70+ hours a week and I was just working 35. I ended up doing almost all the housework and now, 4+ years later, I still do a majority of the house work… Except ironing. I quit ironing! Now he just brings his shirts to the dry cleaner!
We totally have similar issues. My guy is the anal/clean one, and while I am not dirty, I just don’t love cleaning. We’ve actually had our worst fights over cleaning. He thinks that his level of cleanliness is ‘right’ and mine is ‘wrong’. I told him that asking me to rise to his level of cleanliness is like asking him to lower his to mine!
What I learned in my marriage course that is useful is this. Splitting things 50/50 rarely works, because you will constantly think ‘is this his time to clean xyz or is it mine’.
The instructor suggested that you actually split chores. He does garbage, you do laundry, etc. Then you know what your responsibilities are and know that when you look at the full laundry hamper, its on you to get it done.
That has helped us.
Oh, and we got a cleaning lady
$60 every three weeks means that he doesn’t stress about scrubbing stuff. We still try to stay on top of tidying, but it is nice knowing that the floors will be scrubbed and the toilets get a deep clean. Seriously - I know it isn’t an option for everyone but this was the best solution for us.
You will most likely never see eye to eye on household chores. It isn’t a deal breaker though - you just need to think of solutions to find a middle ground and keep both of you relatively happy.
Ummm…were you that fly on our wall the other night?!?! I feel like you wrote this after observing me and my FI! Just the other night I was nagging him about making a dentist appt. He shut down, as normal. I then apologized and he said, “I’m used to it!” That ticked me off! We talked about the next day, but he told me he needed me to nag him and I told him that if he just did things the 1st time I ask, I wouldn’t have to nag! He agreed!
I think it’s all about agreeing to disagree! I don’t want us to fell the same way about everything. I want to learn where he’s coming from and do the ever famous compromise!
We struggle with this too. I think what has helped us is sitting down and divying up the chores. He works full time and I don’t right now so it just makes sense that I would do more. He is responsible for the bathroom getting cleaned and the laundry (once clean) being put away. I’m more of a neat freak than he is so we agreed that he would pick up the bathroom of clothes and garbage daily, but that it had to be deep cleaned once a week. The laundry must be put away the same day it is done or he gets the joy of washing it the next week. If it doesn’t make it into the hamper it doesn’t get washed. Period. Two weeks of not haivng clean shorts (and having to buy new ones on the way to work) broke him of the habit of leaving them on the floor. LOL Seriously, talk about it and come to an agreement and then stick to it.
I refuse to nag him and he doesn’t need another mama. We came to an arrangement that will work for us right now. Except for last night when he walked up to me and handed me a dirty towel. I said “really? You’re handing this to me? Really??”
He just grinned and went and put it away.
He’s learning!
Ughhh….I agree with the housework issue! My fiance is awesome at doing things….when I tell him too! But who wants to play mom to their fiance?? I have to leave him lists on his day off if I want any help, it is so frustrating, I’m trying to learn to let go. He likes the lists even though I hate them, I think he should be more awar of helping without me asking, so for now I am making lists, but he is making an effort to do more without my asking.
OMG! I could have wrote A LOT of that, especially disagreeing on discipline. He & I have VERY different upbringings and views on how kids should act, couple that with a child that has “special needs” and I find myself defending my choices a lot.
Every couple has the same struggles. If someone says they don’t then they are lying. We all just need to accept that we have different priorities. Mine is to have 16 matching glasses and he wants a perfect fantasy football team.
My fiance and I have these same fights, and in many ways are the complete opposite of one another. I have some serious OCD, and he is a very relaxed guy that doesn’t let anything (especially a little soap scum get to him), I am a triathlete, and he is a couch potato. I am super obsessed and often hate my body, and he accepts and loves his (and mine) with all of its imperfections. I am studying to be a lawyer, and he is a bioengineer. We fight about housework, and I think we will likely have many discussions about raising children (something tells me I will be the disciplinarian…I am with the puppy :)). But somehow, in all the ways that really matter, we are on the same page. We agree that our life together is an always should be the most important work we ever do. We have the same general priorities, and goals for our life together, and we both agree that all the things that make us different, make us a better couple. He tempers my OCD, and I make him a little neater. I drag him to the gym and make him eat healthily, and he reminds me that every now and then it is okay to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. And little by little, he is teaching me to love myself regardless and because of my imperfections. In the end I think we work well to give one another balance.
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Mrs. Crab Cake, Columbus, GA Age and Occupation: 25, Registered Nurse Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Director of Education and Living History for a museum Engagement Date: April 6, 2008 Wedding Date: June, 2009 Blogging Since: November 26, 2008 Venue: Holy Family Catholic Church, reception: National Infantry Museum About Me: I'm a perfectionist trying to balance two jobs, motherhood, my craft obsession, and wedding planning. I am obsessed with all things wedding, especially creative ideas for saving money and DIY projects. A Southern Belle at heart, I love anything southern, especially sweet tea, grits, afternoon thunder storms, crab cakes, and good old Southern hospitality. Mr. Crab Cake and I are planning a vintage inspired wedding with tons of Southern flare (can y'all say that with a thick Southern drawl?).
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