Wedding Blog
After much consideration and helpful advice, Mr. Spring Roll and I decided to forgo our registry.
You see, we created a registry for guests who requested our registry information, not because we wanted one. We have everything we could possibly need, so we registered for stuff that we didn’t need, a measly fifteen items total. Not only was the registry unnecessary, but when we heard of the terrible return policy, we decided it wasn’t worth the stress.
Mr. Spring Roll and I don’t expect gifts from our guests. However, if they want to give us something, we would really appreciate money for our honeymoon. In giving us money, our guests would be allowing us to enjoy our honeymoon to the fullest. The problem? According to Wedaholic, it is not polite to directly ask for money.
Regardless, I would never feel comfortable doing so. The site explains that a better way to get the word out is to have parents and friends spread the word, as well as posting a message on your wedding website.
I have mixed feelings about asking for monetary gifts on our wedding website. What are your thoughts on asking for monetary gifts on one’s wedding website? Is there a polite way at all to even ask for/suggest money as a wedding gift?
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You can register at a travel agency. This way the guests feel good about giving you guys something that contributes to a very special trip. Once your honeymoon is paid off, have your agency tell further guests who call that it’s full.
Some people don’t like giving money but when it comes to contributing to something special, they’ll be all over it 
I suppose I’m old-fashioned (it was bound to happen sometime) but I don’t think that gifts should be mentioned at all on invites or wedding websites. I think that if people come and don’t bring a gift, they’re gifting us with their presence. If they want to give a gift, they’ll either come up with ideas themselves (and that’s always fun) or they can ask my family. I think we’ll give our families “colors” (our bathroom is white and gray but we like bright colored towels, our kitchen is black and white with blue accents) and leave it at that.
However, we’re not having a huge wedding, so the people joining will all know us pretty well and have all been to our home. I guess I can see the benefit to a registry, but I personally dislike buying off of them. It takes all the fun out of the giving.
I don’t have any ideas for how to handle the cash idea — some people will give you cash no matter what, others won’t like it. Perhaps just spread the word that you don’t need typical home-type wedding gifts, but that you’re going to XXXXXX on your honeymoon, or you like to do XXXXX as hobbies?
I wouldn’t ask for monetary gifts on your website. The best way to do that is word of mouth…
We asked for money. Our families are Jewish and like the Chinese it is customary for Jews to give money as gifts so I never thought about whether it was polite or not. On top of that we live in NYC and there is no way we need a whole bunch of stuff in our teeny apt. I love to give money as a wedding gift and almost always do so unless there is something specific I know the couple wants from their registry and honestly I don’t get what the big offense is - if I go to a wedding I am getting the couple a gift, so why not give them something they need. Seriously this whole “asking for $ is impolite” business must be stopped. You can ask for $ in a polite way - and it shouldn’t be a big deal.
Pretty much according to everybody, it’s not okay to ask for money. There are some cultures in which it’s customary to give money, but if you and your guests aren’t from that culture… there you are. There are websites where you can “register” for bits and pieces of your honeymoon, and there have been weddingbee posts about those sites. Basically you divide your honeymoon up into one night stays, groups of meals, activities you want to do, and let your guests pay for them. We considered that, but honestly it’s just asking for money.
One of the places we did register was Lowe’s, because we’re fixing up our house. We didn’t actually get anything bought at Lowe’s - just gift cards - and checks marked “For Your Projects!” So if you spread the word appropriately, you will get monetary gifts from some guests. I don’t know if you have some kind of home improvement projects, or want to buy new furniture or something. It does seem to me, at least in our circle of friends and family, that most people would rather give you money or a gift card towards your actual life together rather than towards a vacation. And I can understand that. After all, it’s traditional to gift something towards your life together - whereas it’s not traditional to ask your guests to send you on vacation.
There are other honeymoon registry websites that aren’t travel agencies where you put things like hotel and flight, or fun things like massage and dinner for two and poeple “buy” these things for you. Your just get a check in the mail from the company to pay for whatever aspect of your honeymoon you want. This way, your guests feel like they aren’t just giving you cash and cash is all you get.
I second both summerbride and Ms. Ballet Flat. The best way to go about it is to either register with a travel agent/resort or to spread your request via word of mouth.
honeyfund.com
I think you could also put on your site things you are looking forward to as a married couple ie- honeymoon, buying a house, etc. So that people know you are planning on doing things. That could help, but there are probably going to be people who get you registry type gifts. Have you thought about registering for art.
I don’t really see how asking for money on a wedding website is any different than asking for money by any other means. If one thinks it’s appropriate to ask for cash, then she do it on the website or wherever she wishes, but she should realize that most people will see that medium as no more tasteful than any method of requesting cash.
In addition to being in somewhat questionable taste those honeymoon registries are generally a really bad deal — most charge somewhere between 8-9% and some have annoying restrictions and expiration dates. I also just kind of find them tacky. Don’t mention anything about gifts on your website and spread the word through friends and family that you consider people attending the true gift and anything else is unnecessary — but you are saving up for the honeymoon. If you want to appease people, you could also let people know they can give to charity in your name and spread the word about your favorite causes.
Haha, my uncle spread the word about this very issue by coming up with the phrase “Give cash or it goes in the trash.” For us, lots of bulky gifts are just plain unrealistic because it’s impossible to move them down to Dallas without paying a hefty shipping price for doing so. Having parents and family spread the word seemed to work really well in our case. We ended up receiving most than half or our gifts in the form of gift cards. You are always going to get those crystal salt and pepper shakers, no matter how many times you tell your grandma’s friend you don’t want them
I think it’s an issue of family and cultural tradition. This summer, I attended a shower and wedding (extended family) where it was made clear that money was the preferred gift. It was the first wedding I’d attended (out of 10-15 in the last 10 years) where that request was made by people speaking for the couple (cousins not in the wedding party)
While I understand the couple’s desire for cash (wedding was on a different continent from where they live), I, and a few other family members, resented being nudged to slip a few c-notes into an envelope. I did it, and wish the couple the greatest happiness and good fortune. It takes a little work to let go of the “sour lining” to a beautiful and joyous event.
Like Novemberguest mentioned, my fiance and I are registering with the HoneyFund. (http://www.honeyfund.com/)
They don’t handle any $ for you, so there are no fees. You get to write descriptions for pieces of your trip, and guests can read them and select what they’d like to get you. Then they print out a “gift certificate” from the website and give it to you along with the money.
We’re planning a trip to San Francisco with a visit to wine country, so it is fun to pick things to do and write descriptions about them. It also makes guests feel like they got you something specific instead of just giving regular $.
@MaryLou79: I think that the subtlety lies in whether the guest has ASKED for suggestions on what to get the couple or whether they’re TOLD what the couple would like. That’s why you don’t put your registry information on an invite or website. If asked, your wedding party and family should know “insider” info to pass along, be they preferred colors, hobbies, or a registry location. But they shouldn’t ever (in my opinion) TELL or suggest to a guest what they should give, because, after all, it’s a gift.
It is probably rude for you to ask for money, but I think it is okay to put a note on your website that says exactly what you wrote above “We have everything we need and your presence is gift enuogh.” “If you still want to give a gift you can either help fund our honeymoon.” I love the idea of a honeymoon registry and I think it would be fun to purchase from too!
I always want to give a wedding gift so if there is something that the couple wants, including money or honeymoon gifts, then that is what I would want to give!
I always give cash/checks at weddings, but not everyone does. I think if you haven’t registered by now, most people will get the hint that you don’t want physical gifts, but there really, really are going to be people who want to give you something. If you don’t register, you’re going to get crystal salt and pepper shakers. Just go to Macy’s or Bed, Bath & Beyond (awesome return policy) and register for 15 gifts and leave it at that. I can’t imagine that in your early 20s, you really have every single thing you want/need. What about some nice, upgraded sheets or towels?
We had someone we worked with send an invitation that said INSIDE the invitation on a piece of paper they cut out “While your presence is gift enough, if you’d like to give gifts we respectfully request money to start our lives together.” Now I personally do not think there is any way to respectfully request money for a wedding gift. If you dont have a registry, people are going to ask your family and friends what to get you and they can mention it, but I dont think the bride and groom should EVER mention it, even on a wedding website.
Miss Dumpling posted a really cute poem with a picture of a birdcage a while back. I thought it was a really cute way to handle it. It reads:
They have their dishes and towels for two
They have pots and pans and oven mitts too
So what do you get for the Bride & Groom
Whose house is setup in every room?
Their house needs repairs and some upgrades too
But you can not register for carpet and glue.
A well that holds wishes is the way to go
So let’s make it easy for all that know.
An envelope will be provided for those who have room,
To give a monetary wish to the Bride and Groom
A wishing well will be on display at the reception hall
To attach your wishes, for the couple, with love from all.
What do y’all think?
I put our registry information on our website, and no one really looked at it. But alot of people who were coming kept asking me and my mom where we were registered. And if they asked what we wanted we would say money kind of jokingly, but then explain we were going to have to store our stuff for a year though (because we’re watching someone’s house for a year). We didn’t tell people who didn’t ask what to get us. But in our case many people asked about our registry, I guess they preferred shopping from it.
We’re doing a honeymoon registry, and let me tell you, I’ve researched and polled the concept of gifts of cash to death! Our honeymoon registry costs us nothing, our travel agent will continue to collect funds toward the trip even after it’s paid in full (and will just issue us a cheque for the overage, should there be any) and she provides a gift card to the guest, so they have a token to include in their wedding card, if they want. We were given cards with our travel agent’s business card, to pass out to family members and the wedding party, in case guests ask.
We are doing this because we don’t expect to receive gifts at all. We are saving enough to fully fund our honeymoon ourselves, and leaving a small margin for guests to gift, and we’ve made that pretty clear in all our discussions with our family and friends thus far. Having a bad registry is worse than having no registry at all IMO, so I’m glad to hear you kiboshed yours.
I agree with what others have said about mentioning the goals behind the money, though I think these should only be mentioned as goals you are actively saving and working for with your own money….many people are happy to contribute money when they see you’re already tightening your belt and working on a goal, they’re more inclined to help than if they feel like your standing there with hand outstretched.
We’re registered at travelersjoy.com and its for your honeymoon. You put down activities or dining places u want to do and the amount.
Check out this website. http://www.honeymoonwishes.com/ People can contribute torwards your flight, hotel and incidentials throughout the day.
Personally, I love to shop from a couple’s registry. I like that I’m getting them something that they really like, but I get to pick it out, and wrap it, and make it somewhat personal too.
I am attending a wedding (tomorrow!) of a couple that only did a travel registry. I was a little disappointed at first (I had kind of hoped to at least be able to pick something specific out, like an outing, or a dinner or spa treatment), but the only option was basically [an amount] toward airfare.
I thought it made sense for the couple (each of them already owned a house seperately), and they made it clear (I think there was some sort of note explaining) that they really didn’t need anymore STUFF. After my initial disappointment, I was able to put myself in their shoes, and it really did make more sense, so I was happy to contribute that way.
All of that to say… I think it’s OK, if not ideal, to set up a honeymoon registry. But, personally, I think they are much more fun for the giver if there are specific components - even breaking up the flight or hotel stay into portions (eg. “$50 for 20 minutes of flying over the fly-over states” or “$100 for our hotel on our first night as husband and wife”) adds an element of asking for something concrete, rather than just money. And it makes writing the thank you notes much easier. I was taught to write thank you notes for money that express exactly how I used the money, adn I guess I see this the same way.
I personally wouldn’t list it on our website, but having family and bridal party memebers spread the word is a good and tactful way of doing so. That is what we are doing for my sister. She already has a home and everything she needs. They really want to remodel the kitchen so we have been suggesting gifts to help with that like home depot gift cards.
I just think it’s really tacky to list is anywhere (besides perhaps a shower invitation - as a shower is thrown for the purpose of recieving gifts). The only way to do it is to do the “word of mouth” option.
I feel like I’m reading something I could have written when I read your post. We’re using honeyfund.com for our honeymoon registry. We’ve lived together for 4 years, and we don’t need anything else in our teensy home. This way, people can pay with paypal for portions of our honeymoon, still feel like they’re getting you a “gift” as opposed to cash, and your travel expenses are defrayed
I’m obviously in the minority here with my thoughts on this…. But I would never dream of going to a wedding without bringing a gift - I think that is in extremely poor taste. Even if I traveled a long distance I’d bring something. I personally always buy a gift off a registry for a shower and give cash/check at the wedding. That just seems to be the general practice where I live on the East Coast, no one seems to need a memo. (The last wedding I was at the bride had to carry a bag just to put all the cards -that were filled with cash- that guests were giving her during the cocktail hour) It is a gift and I really don’t think it is my business if they need to use it to pay for the wedding, their honeymoon or to buy an electric mixer. I think people make way too big of a deal over registry versus cash. No registry may mean some unwanted gifts but hopefully there will be gift receipts. I think people are smart enough to figure out if there is no registry the preferred gift is cash and I don’t see anything wrong with that. How is cash any different than asking for a vacuum?? I just don’t get it. All that being said I do think it is tacky to put we want cash on our Web site.
I don’t think its appropriate to ask for money. I think that a honeymoon registry would be best. Some people HATE to give cash (not me!) and if you give them something they can put their money towards, like breakfast in bed, or a fun tour or something on your honeymoon, they’ll feel much better.
Be prepared- some people INSIST on getting you home goods, because that is sort of “tradition” from when you moved out of your parents house, got married and moved in together. So if you don’t have a registry, someone, no doubt, will insist on getting you two mismatched towels, or a set of cups or something!
*BeachbrideT
We registered with our travel agency. People who wanted to contribute to our trip just called them and then the agency let us know who gave so we could thank them. It’s a great way for people to feel like they’re not just handing you cash.
Be warned though! You WILL receive random gifts that you did not ask for and do not want, and they probably won’t include a receipt! As others have said, some people just want to give a gift.
How about if you request gift certificates to http://www.bedandbreakfast.com? It’s a great database of B&B’s all over the world, and there’s no fees involved with purchasing the gift cards either. I’m getting my bro one of these for xmas(he’s getting married next year so I’m hoping it’ll help him for his honeymoon)!
After researching it extensively, we registered at Traveler’s Joy - they had the lowest fee that we could find, it hits us with the fee, not the gifters, and the fee was a flat percentage.
After doing a ton of research on it, we also registered for a FEW items at BB&B for our families who wouldn’t feel comfortable with a honeymoon registry.
From what I’ve seen, it’s perfectly acceptable to list registry info on your website, as long as you don’t reference it invites, etc., and make it unobtrusive. But then, our fam is the type to get mad at us if we didn’t list it on the internet where they could find it and click on it, rather than giving them the instructions on how to find it.
lmdh is right. You’re gonna get stuff you really dont want, and it’s probably not going to come with a reciept. No matter how much you hint at cash, people will inevitably want to give you a tangible gift, and if you dont have a registry, chances are you are going to get 6 sets of dessert plates with no reciepts.
At least with a registry (I shudder to say this but oh well) you can return everything if need be. The myth is that only certain stores like BBB give cash back… this is true, you get cash back at BBB, but for example, at Crate and Barrel, you can get store credit INSTANTLY, or they will mail you a CHECK for returned items that you will receive in 2 weeks after your returns. To me, that also means CASH, even if its not instant gratification if you will.
I honestly think you will regret not having a registry. It’s easier to have a registry that you can control where stuff is coming from, so you can return stuff if you want, and get the money that you desired.
That advice was SO SO SO etiquette wrong, but if it’s cash you’re seeking, simply not asking for gifts isn’t the best route IMO, unless you are Asian… or I believe Jewish as well (correct me if I’m wrong), in those cultures, cash typically a common gift, and expected without being implied.
I DID forget to mention even if you’re telling people you don’t want gifts, OR that you have a honeymoon registry, it’s never a waste of time to do a very small registry, of just a few items that you really dop need, from a bigger department store where you have lots of options. If you think hard enough, and look at the quality of some of your stuff, I’m SURE you’ll fine at least 5 or 6 things that can be replaced, or are needed (or wanted…come on, pick out some nice sheets or something!) You don’t have to be as vocal about the registry but you can tell your closest peeps and family so that if they encounter a negative reaction from Great Aunty Sally, they can suggest it.
We’re registering at Honeyfund.com. It’s a free honeymoon registry that allows guests to print out their own certificates for whatever you register for (plane tickets, hotel rooms, massages, dinners, etc.) without actually paying money online. This is really convenient, because there’s no risk of online identity theft for those who are wary of putting their credit card numbers online, and there are no fees. The guests print out the certificates and write a check themselves or give you cash. Seems super-easy to me. For the guests who still don’t feel comfortable with giving us money, we’re registering at Target for the few important things we still need. But our website strongly encourages people to go through Honeyfund.
hey Miss SpringRoll,
I totally agree with you on the merits of receiving cash. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of people who see the cash request as crass/inappropriate, without considering the practical aspects.
We wrote on our wedding site that considering our circumstances (I’m not American — moving over in a year or so), we would appreciate assistance in paying for the paperwork / legal fees for us to be together. We added tongue-in-cheek that we are “registered at ATMs worldwide and at PayPal for your convenience”.
Our friends had a good laugh out of it. Some have offered to sponsor certain aspects of the wedding, whereas some, including his Grandfather, are giving us a cash gift, while his Dad’s giving us a gift card from a furniture store so we can shop when we need to. My friends & family (Asian) cannot comprehend why it would be bad to give a couple (much-needed) cash to help them start off their married life right. Cultural differences, I guess?
I realized the problem of gifting last summer when my sister-in-law received 3 sets of pots — none of which were the good quality ones she requested on their registry — because well-wishing folks bought pots from wherever there was a sale.
For my fiance and I, at our destination wedding, we’re gonna go with “cash preferred”, but when back in the US, we’ll have a registry with say, 10-15 items because we decided it’s safer to list some stuff you want, lest you end up with 6 toasters and other clutter you can do without!
Good luck!
@Mrs. Avocado: My friends had this same problem, their solution was to return all the gifts for gift cards and then re-purchase them when they had moved to FL. I like your uncle’s catch phrase!
Miss SR, I think its best to spread your “registry” by word of mouth. Face the facts, that some people will just try to give you a gift anyways! I’m sure that most people will realize you don’t have a store registry for a reason and just give you money instead.
[...] we have taken in everyone’s advice regarding our registry, and have decided to let our family spread the word about receiving money as a gift; we will not be [...]
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Mrs. Spring Roll, Tampa
Age and Occupation: 23, Certified Pharmacy Technician
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Concert Photographer
Engagement Date: May 1, 2008
Wedding Date: March 2009
Blogging Since: September 16, 2008
Venue: Beach Social Hall
About Me: I'm the stereotypical girl who enjoys sewing, baking, and decorating. I am blessed to share my life with Mr. Spring Roll and our two shih tzu's, Isabella and Gabriella. Hello Kitty, musicals, Target, and Chick-fil-a are a few of my favorite things. I have a fear of fish and Freddy Krueger. Planning our wedding has become a huge part of my life, and I love every minute of it!
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