Wedding Blog
I have been chewing on this post for awhile. I kept starting and dropping and re-writing, never completely sure how to write about this subject. I just can’t stop thinking about it!
A few weeks ago, Mr. Dragon and I went out with a few people that Mr. Dragon wanted me to get to know better (they’re old, old friends of his.) I was really excited to hang out with them. We went to a casual restaurant and wore our comfy jeans, which is actually my favorite thing to do - low-maintenance night out. Because [when you’re engaged] everyone asks you about your wedding, talk turned to how excited we were for our circles of friends and family to finally meet. As we all know, I have a somewhat unusual family, as well as other friends that remarkably sheltered peeps might also label “unusual.” To me, they are my friends, and that’s it - I don’t identify them by their lifestyle, appearance, etc.
I have to be vague so that certain people aren’t incriminated and also so others aren’t embarrassed.
Anyway, when these particular friends of mine came up in discussing our wedding guest list…. the people we were dining with got really crass. Names, dirty jokes, etc. I got really upset once I was over the shock of what was going on. Just because someone is supposedly “different” doesn’t make it ok to call them names, belittle them, or reduce them to a joke. I was so taken aback that I was speechless. I am ashamed to say that I was like a deer in headlights. I didn’t want to castigate our dinner partners and “create a scene,” and since they are Mr. Dragon’s old friends I was just basically unsure of what to do. I just stopped talking and prayed to God for them to stop.
For the rest of dinner, I faked my way through it and hoped it would be over soon. I like - liked - these people a lot, and I was confused as to why they thought, as grown adults, it was acceptable to make fun of people they didn’t even know, in such a brutal way. I pretended to be sick, we were able to leave, and I cried all the way home, completely ashamed of myself for not putting a stop to it in the moment.
If I could uninvite them from the wedding, I would, but as Mr. Dragon points out: “They were being ignorant, and we already sent them a Save the Date.” Oh, Mr. Dragon, you’re funny. 
Here’s what I am worried about… I am extremely proud that I have such a diverse set of friends and family members. Because I know how people treat people with disabilities (either as saints, which is totally annoying - or that they are invisible - or just straight up mean) and also because I am sensitive to adoption issues, child abuse, etc. I do my best to avoid making people feel worthless. This may sound obvious, but… you’d be surprised how many people feel totally fine saying the craziest things to others they think are “less worthy.” I just don’t make fun of other people’s lifestyles or beliefs - I just don’t. It does nothing but cause hurt, and that’s LAME.
The reason I bring this story up is because so many of our wedding guests are from a variety of backgrounds, lifestyles, what have you… I am now scared that a few of our “mainstream” guests are going to make others feel uncomfortable. I was a bit scared about it before, but now I see my concerns are valid, unfortunately. Didn’t they go to kindergarten? That’s where you learn that if “You don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all!”
This is a bit of a conundrum. I know this sounds weird, but I am kind of hoping to see these particular old friends of Mr. Dragon’s again before the wedding. I REALLY hope they start saying the ignorant and hurtful things they said before because this time, I am going to [kindly] set them straight. This way, they’ll only have said those mean things to ME and not to my wedding guests, who I love dearly. They will have been “schooled,” if you will.
It’s a pickle. Is it just me, or are other brides strategizing about how to protect some of their wedding guests, too? Are you a bit nervewracked? This is something that is out of our control!
*I realize that this post was quite fuzzy on the details - hopefully the point still came across.
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*To other commenters. I do not leave this comment in an attempt to stir up a ridiculous debate about LDS beliefs towards LGBT lifestyles. Just leave it alone okay? Let me be.
I was worried about the same thing Snappy. One of Mr. Avo’s groomsmen is homosexual, and brought his partner with him up for the wedding weekend. Let’s just say that all of the conservative LDS guests I invited do NOT have a lot of exposure to the LGBT community and I didn’t know how they would react. The story gets even more complicated when you factor in that this particular groomsmen used to be a part of the LDS community himself (served a mission and everything) and did not part with it on great terms. My father has a particularly hard time dealing with anything related to LGBT issues.
I don’t know if it helped, but I talked openly and candidly with my bridesmaids and my parents before the wedding. I told them that this groomsmen was a very good friend of Mr. Avo’s and I was worried about how people would react. It’s hard to judge when you are the busy bride, but I believe that everything went well for them that weekend. I was very pleased to see my dad laughing and joking with them both after the harbor cruise on Friday, and there didn’t seem to be any problems of exclusion or judgment throughout the day on Saturday.
Your situation is a little bit different because from your post it sounds like your friends/family are different in ways that are very obvious to the casual observer (many of my guests probably didn’t even know that this groomsmen and his “friend” were partners). But, do you think it would work to talk candidly about this issue with a few close friends/family who can help you keep things under control on the wedding day and go out of their way to make sure that ALL of your guests have a wonderful time?
I’m a little confused on why you used the word “lame” the way you did after just getting done talking about the insulting things your dinner companions were saying. I think it is extremely hurtful to use words like “gay,” “lame,” or “retarded” in our speech as insults.
@Mrs. Avocado: That’s a good idea. I am not worried about most of our guests. On my side, most of the guests are old friends that are totally comfortable with each other. I almost think that being crass and going as far as our dinner companions went with their jokes comes from being uncomfortable (or at least I hope so.) I know they aren’t bad people, but it’s still really traumatizing and I don’t want anybody to get hurt, as much as it is preventable. I am glad somebody has been through this before and can help me out.
@Deborah: I didn’t use the words “gay” or “retarded.” To me, words that are used to make someone feel small are no-gos, so those are my standards. Our dinner [one-way] conversation went way beyond, however. I’m sorry you were offended.
I know you didn’t use the words “gay” or “retarded” in your post, but it is just interesting to me that you think those words are not ok to use, but you did use the word “lame,” which is just as bad, especially since you alluded to friends who have disabilities.
I hope this isn’t out of line, Miss SD, but if I were you I’d be pretty furious at Mr. Dragon as well as at his friends. While you would have been well within your rights to say something to them at dinner, they’re his friends and therefore it was his job to put an end to the hurtful conversation, full stop. Because the details are fuzzy, I’m sorry if I’m making an unfair assumption…but I know that if my FI knew I was hurt and appalled by the subject of conversation and didn’t try to stop it, I’d be very, very upset with him, as well.
Secondly, who the hell are these people? They knew they were talking about your wedding guests (who they presumably realized are close to you, since I don’t know many people who invite guests they dislike to their weddings) and they STILL engaged in name calling, dirty jokes, and ridicule? These people sound toxic and if they were my “friends,” I’d always wonder if they said similarly awful things about me when I wasn’t around. Save-the-date etiquette be damned, people like that wouldn’t have any place at my wedding.
(or, I should add, in the rest of my life either)
I think this is a very appropriate and important topic to bring up on here. One of our groomsmen is my best friend and also gay. I’m not sure if my fiance’s side of the family (not necessarily his parents, but aunts/uncles/grandparents), who are more traditional/conservative, will have an issue with it or not. I suspect if it comes up before the wedding I will politely but firmly express how much I love my friend and how I couldn’t imagine my day without him there. I’ve found that saying things in a direct way and with a smile make it hard for the opposing side to argue too much. Plus, unless you want to get into a loonnnggg conversation, their opinion might never change.
I know it seems like the “easy” thing to do is to not send them formal invitations. If they really have THAT much of an issue with people who are different than them, they wont come anyway. Hopefully, they will see past it, recognize that they are attending an event meant to celebrate you and your husband-to-be, and get the hell over it. I would like to think that those who are different that us (gay/disabled/etc/) are a lot stronger than most of us think. In other words, they have probably heard it all before and are prepared to deal with it accordingly.
Please don’t focus too much energy on this. Just call up your friends/relatives with varying lifestyles/appearances and tell them how much you love them.
Dear Snappy, wow–what an aggravating situation!!!
We had a less-awkward situation, in that we had only one or two guests who require a little extra graciousness and patience, but it was still a worry in my mind. We put them at a table with people who knew them, knew of their personalities, or were really really super-kind and forgiving people. So, if these insensitive people do come to the wedding, I recommend putting them in a similar buffered sort of place, so as to avoid unpleasantries with your wonderful family.
The other thing is, I think (and hope) that being around your friends and family will open their eyes to their own immaturity, as they see how people with disabilities are functional and capable and oftentimes remarkable human beings.
This was a very brave post by Miss Snapdragon and it bothers me that within the first 2 posts she was already pounced on. And after she apologizes it repeated. Miss Snapdragon’s post could have easily been about flowers or favors but she opened herself up and (in my opinion that raises the depth of Weddingbee) the tone of the early posts disappointed me (and that Mrs Avacado had to first ask that people don’t pounce on her too). Please let’s support the bees when they posts with topics such as this.
hmm… HL makes a good point in terms of going back on Save the Date etiquette for this kind of reason. This is righteous anger, so I think you’d have a right to change the ‘rules’ if it’s truly going to be over-stressful. The last thing you need to worry about is people getting along.
(by the way, the people whose personalities needed extra patience and graciousness weren’t people who could be dropped from our list, as they were relatives).
@HL: Well, since I had to be so fuzzy on the details, I know it’s hard to help me with this! Thankfully, his friends don’t know about my family, in which case, the whole thing would have been especially hard to take (although I also may have not had “deer-in-headlights syndrome!”) I am not mad at Mr. Dragon. I think when you grow up in a family like mine that is mostly made up of people with disabilities or that is - let’s be honest - vulnerable to cruel jokes, you are a lot more sensitive to jokes that make people feel bad. I spotted what was going on right away, while Mr. Dragon didn’t catch on til it was too late. They’re old buds of his, so he is used to the way they talk - I am not. He totally agrees with me though, and I know he was just doing his best. It was a difficult situation and I don’t fault anybody for the way they reacted. One thing Mr. Dragon has taught me is that when your friends mess up, you don’t cut them out of your life, you talk it out. We all make BIG mistakes sometimes (I definitely do!) and I realize that this is just an area where they have a lot of growing to do (if they want to - I’m not their boss.) I totally understand your comment, but I think it’ll just be a speed bump we need to work through, instead of a friendship killer.
@emmeeay-L: Thank you.
You brought up a very important post that gives us something to think about.
I don’t blame you for being upset, it IS hurtful! They were talking about people you care about to be funny, and it obviously wasn’t!
I’ll give Miss Snapdragon the benefit of the doubt here. She probably didn’t know where the word came from because frankly, I didn’t either. I didn’t know that “lame” was a word to describe a person’s condition. I’ve always known is as slang to describe an undesirable situation or, hell, even a person, but not in a disabled context. The fact that Miss Snapdragon is going out of her way to express her distaste for the situation is telling me that she is sensitive to others and in no way meant to offend anyone with a single word.
I completely agree with HL - it is Mr. Snapdragon’s job to set these people straight, not yours. It might be really satisfying for you to dress them down yourself, but they seem like the kind of people who might just brush you off. Mr. Snapdragon knows how upset you were by his friends’ behavior, he should show you the love and support of being on your side and standing up to his friends. And if it comes to that point, Save The Date etiquette goes out the window; there are just some types of behavior and language you don’t need surrounding you on such a special, intimate day as your wedding.
The thing about weddings is it pushes people, and groups of people, together with completely differing lives and opinions. While I’m unsure of the depth of your friends “differences” from these other “normal” people, I know I’m going to be having various sets of people at my wedding, including my tattoed and pierced friends, and my fiances ultra conservative grandmother. I just plan on seating them away from eachother, and hoping for the best.
Now, I don’t know the depth of your situation, but one thing is for sure. These people, if they do have the gall to say something, probably won’t say anything your friends haven’t heard before. If Mr. Snappy is set on inviting these people to the wedding, I would ask him to talk to them about their behavior, and I would talk to your friends, just so they are aware of the situation, and can prepare themselves, if, god forbid, his friend feel it necessary to be cruel and make comments. Hopefully your friends can then be more adult than the others, and even though they shouldn’t have to, can be prepared to ignore it and walk away, and hopefully not let it ruin their evening.
It is an icky situation, and i wish the two of you all the best, and hope everyone can be happy and nice on such a joyous occasion.
I’m a little confused by your post. I understand how awful it must be to be in such an uncomfortable situation, as well as the desire to “school” them about what they’re saying. What I’m confused about is how (in your comment) you say that Mr. Snappy didn’t catch on? If these were such offensive and dirty jokes, wouldn’t they be readily apparent? Obviously, the details are fuzzy, so it’s hard to know, but I guess I’m just saying that if even your fiance didn’t pick up on it, maybe these other friends really do just need to be “educated” that what they’re saying is crass and mean. Perhaps, they were just being ignorant more than being intentionally mean?
(I totally don’t mean for this post to sound mean at all myself, I’m just inquriing. I just try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes when you feel so passionately about something or someone is talking about people you love, you can be more sensitive to the issue … ie it’s harder to look at it objectively. If this isn’t the case, then I apologize if I offended you Ms. Snappy!!).
First of all I’m so very sorry that any of us are placed in situations like this….I wish people in general could all focus on the Kindergarten lesson of “saying something nice” and “just all getting along”.
We are in a similar situation. Sadly there are members of my family who are very narrow minded in terms of anything they deem “different”. They are all from small towns in the rural south, and are often very vocal about their viewpoints. I am often looked on as the “outsider” because I don’t share their viewpoints (even though I grew up being fed them). We are both concerned that everyone play nicely in our wedding sandbox. We’ve even opted to have our wedding somewhere local to us instead of near my hometown. It’s hard….on one hand I’d like to assume they are all adults and will treat my friends as people who I love….on the other I’ve known them long enough to know better.
For the past year I’ve been working this into various conversations so they know ahead of time it isn’t acceptable. Yet, I’m still concerned what they will say when face to face with our friends of different nationalities/skin colors/orientations/etc. and it both angers and saddens me. There are actually a few family members that may not attend due to both this and the fact we will serve beer & wine at our reception. It’s really hard…and I’m so sorry that you might be in a similar situation
I realize this is getting into the realm of nitpicky, but maybe this will clarify for Deborah. The word “gay” especially has no negative meaning until you give it one. However the word “lame” implies a weaker, broken, or otherwise affected part of the body - or of the argument, behavior, etc. It might not be the most sensitive use of language, but linguistically it’s defendable.
As for the wedding itself, Miss Snappy, I love Mrs. Avacado’s method of appointing a few close friends, family members, or wedding party members to “shepherd” your guests, if you don’t have the opportunity to confront these friends directly. At my wedding, my husband’s brothers threatened to push my dad (who uses two canes to walk at this point) down a set of stairs. Had I anticipated that sort of behavior (even from 12 year olds who might not understand the effects of their jokes), I would have spoken with their mother about keeping them in line. I was not pleased.
I hope you get your situation sorted!
With your family being so diverse maybe there is some sort of way to incorporate that into your wedding program. Such as explaining how diverse your family is. Or making your favors a donation to a charity or an agency close to your family. In the end your guests that these individuals were making fun of out number them. They are going to be the ones who look stupid if they make comments.
Another option is to ask Mr. Dragon to talk to these friends of his. If they are good friends this shouldn’t be a problem. HTH.
Man, that stinks!
I don’t think you need to worry about your ‘mainstream’ guests, as most people don’t make ignorant statements! The couple that made the ridiculous remarks are NOT mainstream.
In any case, I definitely think Mr. Snapdragon should send an email or make a phone call and say something to the effect of “It was great seeing you the other night, my fiancee enjoyed meeting you, etc….however we both found your comments about so-and-so rather insensitive. I would hope that you didn’t mean these things and that regardless of your views you’ll be polite and tolerant of all of our cherished and diverse wedding guests.”
The above *is* far too gentle (especially for my west-coast liberal beliefs!), however, it seems that it would be enough to embarrass these people into good behavior.
Miss Snappy, how awkward! I’m sure Mr. Dragon’s friends didn’t mean to upset you — if you watch too much “Family Guy” or hang out at too many frat parties, you can start to get the idea that it’s OK to mock people or say offensive things as long as it’s “just a joke.” But it’s really not OK at all. Saying something like “those are my friends you’re talking about, I don’t think that’s funny” in an even, reasonable voice can go a long way towards getting people to knock it off and think about how they’re coming across.
Miss Snapdragon - I really feel for you. My husband also has a couple of friends who are, quite frankly, bigots. Thankfully he realizes that, so at least we don’t have to argue about it. And they are nice people in their own way, and were at least raised correctly enough that you don’t have to worry about how they are going to behave around your parents, or when actually confronted with one of the people about whom they talk so badly. In other words, I guess they are socially correct bigots. That doesn’t make them any easier to take. And luckily they are much worse around just my husband - much better around me.
How to deal with something like that is always an interesting question. If they are your husband’s friends, I would actually just ask your husband to talk with them. After all, if some of your friends said something that offended him, or hurt his feelings, I’m sure you would have a little talk with them - rather than expecting him to jump in and defend himself. ThickChick’s wording is wonderful.
And I do suspect that these friends are like most rude and insensitive people - that they will be a little shocked and more than a little shamed when they do meet your wedding guests, and will feel pretty stupid for their previous comments. And that, like most people, they would never think of making rude comments actually at your wedding, regardless of what they might say when they get home.
Snappy, I completely get what you’re saying. My rabbi said something to me that was helpful to me, and I hope it will bring you some comfort. She said that at every wedding, there is at least one “saboteur.” A saboteur is a person whose vision of your wedding conflicts with your own. The way to deal with saboteurs is a) to try to anticipate who they will be, b) to tell them ahead of time what your vision of the wedding is, so they won’t be surprised, and c) if you’ve already made clear what your expectations are and they still don’t behave in a respectful manner, IGNORE them and focus only on the friends, family, and spouse(!) who will be loving and supportive of you.
Miss SD: I feel the same way you do. It’s hard to try not to worry about these things when you foresee conflict or anticipate “differences” between guests. I agree with you- I think correcting these people face-to-face is the only way to go here. If you’re anything like me, I would worry all wedding day long that something inappropriate would be said to your friends and you would feel terrible.
I’m with emmeeay-L, the hive should be a safe place to share your thoughts and concerns. It’s obvious Miss SD is sensitive to this issue and I think pouncing on these posts is unfair.
I think these friends need a gentle explanation/reminder to be mindful of what they say. Don’t wait for them to do it again. Bring it up to them: “the other day, I was taken aback by some of the things you said.” Let your fiance have the discussion if that will be more comfortable all around, but make sure the discussion happens.
I completely agree with you. It’s unfortunate that some people use this method as a way of making themselves feel better. How unfortunate that this had to happen. I know it must be an incredibly awkward situation for you, but I do think that you should voice how you feel about what happened. If those people become offended by what you say and possibly choose not to attend your wedding, I’m sure Mr. Dragon will understand. BTW, How does he feel about this whole situation other than stating that he thought it was ignorant? Does he think that you should communicate your feelings, or let it ride and see what happens? I think that you two should talk it over and come to an agreement before doing anything else. Also, I read some of these responses and I wanted to let you know that I was not offended by the way you used the word “lame.” You were referring to the situation, not to actual people. I got what you meant, and I thought that you should know that. :^) Good Luck! Let us know what happens!
Aw, babe - that’s tough. I don’t want to beat a dead horse here, but I think the best, least-awkward way to deal with these folks is to have Mr. Snapdragon talk with them. It sounds like they were making offensive jokes without knowing your situation. I’m sorry to say that I’ve done the same thing before (I weeded the term “retarded” out of my vocabulary when I found out that a close friend has a brother with a mental disability - my fiance was the one who told me that I might hurt someone by using that term, and I ashamedly realized that he was correct). Without knowing more of the situation, I would guess that your fiance’s friends are ignorant and will likely feel incredibly remorseful once your fiance tells them which way is up. I hope that helps!
To answer your question, we also have a similar situation with a disabled guest at our wedding. The way we’ve been dealing with this has been to let everyone know the situation ahead of time, and to give them a quick run-down of the “do’s” and “don’ts”. In the past, it has worked perfectly - and I suspect it will work at our wedding, too. Maybe when you’re developing your seating arrangement, you can make sure that at least one person at each table knows about your family and feels comfortable answering any questions that other guests might have. Ambassadors, if you will. I’m not sure how feasible that would be for you, but for us it’s going to help a lot. That way, when crass Uncle Jim starts snickering and saying “What’s the deal with ___?” our “ambassador” can calmly explain the situation and keep everyone in line.
How uncomfortable! I feel like weddings involve a fair amount of compromise and letting things slide that you might not be 100% comfortable with, but it sounds like this might not be one of those situations. Even if only because there are some times when relationships may need to take a (temporary) hit to keep honest. Maybe Mr. Snappy can talk to his friends and explain why they upset you. Maybe they can apologize and you can all go out for dinner again and make nice. If they wouldn’t do that knowing the backstory on you, then. . . maybe not. But if they’re his good friends, he should help them make nice.
Miss SD,
I wouldn’t worry about setting them straight. If the friends of your future husband feel the need to belittle people at your wedding 1. They’ll be out numbered by people who aren’t ignorant and 2. You can always ask them to leave if they begin behaving badly. And by you, I mean Mr. SD. I doubt it would ever come to that though.
People make snide comments about things that they don’t understand/scare them.
And for the person who is offended by the word “lame: the dictionary definition is “weak,” yes it can mean crippled- just like the word ace can mean a card in a playing deck or someone who does something really well. Get off your soapbox.
Maybe this story will lighten the mood a bit. . . it relates to your comment — “you’d be surprised how many people feel totally fine saying the craziest things to others they think are less worthy.”
A couple of years ago, one of my co-workers (I work in retail) was at work and a customer started off their interaction by snapping her fingers and saying, “you… you’re going to help me” and during the course of their conversation, after my co-worker tried to explain why a certain product was a bit more expensive, this person commented, “Oh, I have lots of money - unlike you.” She obviously assumed that because of her job, she was in a lower income bracket and was really snobby about it. Truth be told, this girl doesn’t need to work at all - she, and her family, has money - quite a bit of it.
Stories like this definitely back up the idea of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”
Miss SD, I understand your desire to prevent any comments that may (understandably) hurt the feelings of any of your guests. Perhaps it will be some small consolation that if any comments are made, there will be lots of people who just recognize the ignorance of the one making the rude remarks.
SD,
I find that people make crass jokes about “different” people because they’ve just never met anyone like that, so their ideas have never been challenged. I do think that Mr SD should talk to them, but I wouldn’t uninvite them. Ideally, your wedding will make them see the light, and they will understand that people with disabilities, etc are *people*. It was ignorance that was talking during your dinner, and the best way to combat that is through education. And what better way to educate than through your fabulous friends and family?
(I’m hoping this will work for me as well — some of my family members are anti-gay, but at our wedding we will have close friends and family (his) that are out-and-out gay.)
A couple of things that come to mind from the post and comments:
First, back off of Deborah. Why is it wrong for her to be offended by ‘lame’ when it’s ok for people to be offended by ‘gay’ or ‘retarded’? In the first definitions of each of the words, they refer to something affecting people in a perceived negative way. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with any of these words, they all have second definitions that don’t have anything to do with people, and when/if I use them, I don’t associate them with people. But, that doesn’t stop me from understanding why Deborah could be offended, the same way Snappy was offended about whatever was said at dinner.
For Miss SD - I can’t get any clue from your post what your friends may be like, but I do have a thought about your family. Most people aren’t brought up around disabled people, and aren’t taught how to interact with them. Being completely honest, when I run into a disabled person my initial reaction is to either ignore/avoid them, or treat them like a child, because I don’t know what’s ‘acceptable,’ or what they can understand, and it makes me uncomfortable. Disabled people, especially mentally disabled people, are far out of most people’s normal social interactions. When we were children, we were told to be nice, but for me, they were kept in a separate classroom at the opposite end of my school, and I only saw them in passing. After elementary school, they went to a different school completely. Intellectually I know they are people with feelings just as real as mine, but knowing that doesn’t make me instantly skilled at interacting with them. This is just a thought from the other side of things.
This really just stinks, I think I would have acted the same way you did, trying to be polite as not to make your FI’s friends uncomfortable. But I would be interested to know how they react when they find out that the people they were ridiculing are close family and friends of yours. This is an opportunity to have them wake up and smell the coffee, right? No matter if you have a disability or another lifestyle than others, no one deserves to be treated that way. Maybe by attending your wedding, they’ll grow up and get over w/e assumptions they have about such people, because if they are good friends of your FI, it would be nice to attempt to develop a “working-relationship” with them. I don’t know, maybe I’m being too forgiving?
I’m so glad you wrote this post… I think it really helps to remind people that sometimes you can say something hurtful without realizing that you are hurting the other person.
Of COURSE this is one of those situations when you get home and think of all of these witty responses that you SHOULD have said at the time, or think of how Mr. Dragon SHOULD have defended them. But sometimes, when you’re caught up in the conversation at the time, you JUST DON’T SAY IT. You and Mr. D were both caught off guard. You were both caught in the moment, and these people are obviously dear to him, so you don’t want to start a huge dramatic fight at a restaurant!
And, its completely normal that once you have a moment to think about things, you see them for what they really were and see what was really going on at the time.
Perhaps it would be good to plan another little get together before the wedding, so that you can talk things out before your big day. You certainly don’t want to be “worried” about anything happening on your wedding day. And you don’t want to feel like you have to go around defending your friends and family at your wedding.
Perhaps if its easier, maybe Mr. D could just grab a drink with his friends and just casually say something about how you both thought about it and were a little bothered by the situation, since they were obviously making fun of people you care about (in an indirect way). And maybe Mr. D could even say “She comes from a big diverse family, and so you might encounter a lot of different people at my wedding. I want to make sure that Miss SD has the best day of her life, so let me know if you have any questions or concerns now, not on the big day.” Ok, maybe not those words, but just something that would let Mr. D convey that you guys are concerned.
Honestly, people are judgmental. And those who are ignorant about others’ life styles are usually even more judgmental. But hopefully these are people who care about both you and Mr. D. There is no excuse for their actions, but I don’t think that they truthfully meant to hurt you. I can only hope that their eyes are opened at your wedding, and that they see what a big loving home your parents have offered for so many who were, at one time, less fortunate. And perhaps they will see how wonderful this world can be and that they should pause before passing judgement.
Even if Mr. D doesn’t say something to them, I bet that when they walk into your wedding, and see your friends and family, they will quickly remember what they said to you at dinner, and realize how (hopefully unintentionally) hurtful they were. They might even be embarrassed at what they said, which might remind them to think before passing judgement in the future.
*BeachBrideT
Mrs. Avocado, I dislike your writing and how you come across VERY MUCH!
Oh, criminy. I don’t want to get caught up in any sort of back-and-forth, but “me,” comments like yours are what makes the Internet a very ugly place. Hate is hate, no matter who is the victim of it. Mrs. Avocado is doing all of us a favor by opening up about her religion and community - both of which were a mystery to me before I started reading blogs like Weddingbee and cjanerun. (And no, I’m neither religious nor conservative, so don’t bother going down that path with me.)
Avocado and Snapdragon, you’ve given all of us a gift by showing us another side of life. We all have something to learn by following your stories, and I know that the majority of people reading this site realize that. Ignorami like “me” are just cowards who don’t have the cojones to do something meaningful and positive with their beliefs.
Mrs. Avocado, I like your writing and how you come across VERY MUCH! (I even read your other blog because I am a little crazy, but I promise I’m not a stalker.)
Miss Snapdragon, I think this is a great issue to have addressed, and I think it’s great that you are obviously so accepting of people from such different backgrounds and with different disabilities. Obviously, you are trying to keep people from being hurt or offended as much as possible, and anyone who is trying to make you feel bad about that is a jerkface.
I hope whoever is marrying you knows about your “unique” family and friends as well. My fiancé and I went to a close friend’s wedding, the couple had been engaged for a couple of years, but when they finally wed the bride was about 2 months along. And to put the cherry on the cake one of her bridesmaids was very much “out”. The preacher ended up turning the wedding sermon into a moral tongue-lashing– more than twice my fiancé had to keep me from getting up and walking out—and by the time the preacher got to the vows, bride and the bridesmaid were in tears.
I have to second what Hmmmm said. I’ve also seen ceremonies turn awkward because of this.
@Hmmm…: @Shanna: Oh yes, we have unfortunately already encountered this. We plan to have a talk with our officiant about “no jokes about the bride’s family.” And “Let’s keep this light and happy.” Good advice to all brides. I have seen this happen more than once at a few weddings I have attended!
Miss Snappy -
I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the position you are in, I can’t relate entirely, but like other posters I was worried about our LGBT guests at first, but after Prop 8 I know that all my friends and family know my stance on the topic and we have an understanding/respect for each other position. I’m not saying that your guest immaturity in this situation would go away, but I think they would probably act differently around you and at your wedding if they knew about your family. Its not good that people act one way around some ppl and another around others, but at least you wouldn’t need to worry about their actions on your wedding day
@Miss Hot Cocoa: Great advise
Snappy-
my dear dear friend, it makes me so sad to know that you were put through that and to read about the angst it has caused you. I know that you are a good good person and you work very hard to make sure that you are being kind to everyone no matter what. That is a something though, you work hard to do. Not everyone knows how to put that time and work into it and this shouldn’t be your problem, until its your wedding day…I know I know…I had some issues on my wedding day too, remember.
But you know what helped. I talked to my closest friends and the people who always made me happy and they “took care of it” in ways that sometimes I didn’t even know about.
That’s what you can count on us for. I agree with the end of Miss Avo’s first post where it says you should share this with people who you know you can turn to if anything “unsavory” starts getting said at your wedding. Then we can swoop in and cut it off and you can go on being the bride.
It will work out, it absolutely will…I promise.
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Miss Snapdragon, Chicago
Age and Occupation: 30, Production Assistant for a Media Firm
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Education Administrator
Wedding Date: June, 2009
Blogging Since: November 14, 2008
Venue: The Hyatt Lodge
About Me: Vintage and crafting obsessed. Voracious reader of short stories, Russian literature, National Geographic and Cosmo. I am a GENIUS at spicing up Weight Watchers recipes and a pathological cheater at board games. A Texan transplanted to the snowy Midwest, I can't wait to marry my one and only. Is it June yet? ... What about now?
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