Wedding Blog
There was a time in my younger life (before I met Mr. G) when I thought that even a simple conversation about divorce with my future betrothed would be like directly asking for bad luck or a curse on our marriage. Call it youth. Call it superstition. I really had no idea what divorce entailed, but I was hesitant to learn anything about it. Whatever divorce actually meant, I wanted nothing to do with it, and of course, my imaginary future marriage would never end in divorce.
Fast forward to today; I still don’t know that much about divorce (compared to those directly affected by it), but I have seen and lived through my fair share of unhappy marriages and separations. (I won’t go into details to protect friends and family). And as I have witnessed unhappy marriages over the years, it has changed the way I see my own relationship with Mr. G and this abstract “fear” I’ve carried for years over the big d-word: divorce.
Now that Mr. G and I are making the big marriage leap, I feel as if pretending like divorce doesn’t exist or spouting out sentimental phrases like, “We will always be together forever” is my way of avoiding my fear. Instead, I should focus on the fact that I want to be with Mr. G forever. I want to work together to create a happy marriage. I want to have a family of our own. Yes, all of these things I want to do. I’ve been starting to see it more as “We will do everything in our power to stay together and be on the same page,” rather than “We will always be together forever”.
I have been working on my fear of the unknown. In place of that fear, I’ve embraced that the d-word exists. Mr. G and I have talked about what divorce means and about what we can do to attempt to sustain a happy marriage. But mostly, we’ve just allowed the conversation to happen naturally. We don’t know what the future will hold. It’s safe to say no one does. So, for us, having a certain level of self-awareness, I hope, will help during those unexpected, tough times. Does this give us a better chance than the next couple who doesn’t talk about it before they marry? Maybe. Maybe not.
But for us, that’s just how we roll.
Did you and your fiance have any conversations about divorce before you got married? Did you ever abstractly fear divorce like me?
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Both of us have divorced parents, so it was naturally part of the conversation when we decided to get married. I think you’re doing the best any of us can do - we want to do all of those things together and we just pray we have the strength and the luck to keep our marriage together no matter what.
Thank you for this post. The d-word carries such fear and it’s so nice to see someone say it out loud without freaking out! No one wants to get divorced obviously but it’s nice that we don’t all have to pretend like it’s not something that happens. Thanks. This is why I love wedding bee. 
My fiance and I are from very different backgrounds when it comes to parental units. My parents were never married (oops baby, here) and my dad and now ex-stepmom just got divorced after 15 years of (unhappy) marriage. Fiance’s parents were married at 21 and have been married for 28 years. I am completely aware that divorce happens and that divorce sucks. There are times when divorce is necessary and the best option. But, you have to be willing to attempt to work it out before resorting to it. FI and I have talked about couples counseling and doing everything in our power to make sure our marriage lasts. No one ever goes into marriage thinking “well, we can always get a divorce if things don’t work out.” We aren’t at least. But we have to be realistic at the same time and understand that life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. I’ll be interested to see the responses to this post.
Miss Cheese has also offered many a good insight about divorce, as she’s going into her second marriage. I, along with many other brides who read weddingbee, have appreciated the openness to the topic here. I get sick of being bombarded by the wedding industry’s statements of “eternity” and “forever” and “perfect match” and all that kind of stuff. I understand the desire to celebrate the decisions to marry, and I don’t mean to reduce the longevity of the vow we’re all taking, but the dialogue feels very imbalanced sometimes, and I’m happy to see bees balancing out the world of weddings for me!
West Coast Groom and I have talked about divorce A LOT….my parents got divorced about 6 months into my relationship with him, and I basically lost all confidence in everything I thought I knew about relationships, and wanted to kill my parents for wrecking this big, special love that had so much potential. Now, I’m strangely grateful for my parents’ divorce, because I had to work through fears and doubts with West Coast Groom and it contributed to us verbalizing our commitment to and gratitude for each other on a frequent, and deepening basis over time. It has also been a great lesson to me in figuring out what I want, and don’t want, from my marriage. I think the greatest value in misfortune, anyone’s misfortune, is to find the lesson.
We don’t have it all figured out. And there are no guarantees. But the promise that we’re making to each other is that we will make the effort, every day, to grow stronger in our bond so we CAN be together forever.
We are fortunate to come from still married parents and still married grandparents (both sides) - We understand that marriage takes work (different than you could have expected), but overall we are in love and always keep the others feelings in mind so there really isn’t any fighting. I think that if you live your life in a way that wouldn’t disappoint your spouse(assuming that any and all expectations are reasonable) you should be pretty happy. We did discuss that divorce was never an option for us before we even got engaged. We want to grow old together and be there for our future children together. The “work” I mentioned above is about always bettering yourself and asking what can I do for US today? I thought that the work would be me adapting my life to his, but instead it is me working on me to be the best me I can be so that we can be the best we.
We just celebrated our first of many anniversaries (and I’m still reading weddingbee… I swore that as soon as I saw the last of the bees weddings from my year I would call it a day, but then as I waited for the recaps I started following more and more bees into the hive - oh well I’m not ashamed, although my husband can not understand why I still read this wedding blog - sigh)
We have a very open relationship. Some might say I’m a bit TOO open about some of my past relationships, but I’d rather he know where I’m coming from and why I have certain attitudes about things then him just thinking I’m cuckoo bananas. We both come from parents with solid marriages. His parents have been married 30 years, mine have been married for nearly 40. In both sides of my family I have only one cousin that has gotten divorced. Everyone else has solid marriages, so I guess that’s why I never thought of divorce as a reality.
We are both in our 30’s and know ourselves and each other pretty well. We are on the same page about everything from our fiances to when we will start trying for children (soon, before my ovaries die up!) I tease my fiance when he comes up with cockamaney plans like moving to Wyoming that he can do that “with your second wife”, but I am hopeful that barring some serious breach in trust we will be married forever.
Great post Miss G. I too love how you and Miss Cheese get to the root of things that are wedding related, not necessarily wedding planning related. FH and I have talked about divorce, his parents divorced 8 years ago, my parents just celebrated their 30 anniversary. His mom was always a drunk, she just recently decided to try to do something about it. My dad was a drunk when I was young (till about 
and when my mom gave him the ultimatum, he wisely chose us over liquor and he’s more than made up for all the bad stuff my brother and I went thru (little sis was but a baby when mom gave the ultimatum). His parents stayed together the last 5 years for “the kids” (who were teenagers) and got divorced when FH turned 18 (his sister is older).
We have talked about divorce many times, and before he put a ring on my finger I know I told him at least 100 times to not even think about asking me to marry him unless he was absolutely sure he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I don’t believe in divorce, I believe in working thru things together to make your union stronger in the end. My parents have been thru hell and back and they still act like lovesick teenagers. That’s the kind of marriage I want (minus the profuse drinking). We’ve had some hurdles to overcome in the past 4.5 years we’ve been together, and everytime we overcome them we are that much stronger. I honestly cannot wait to grow old with this man, and cannot wait to be able to call myself his wife.
I also believe strongly that the divorce discussion should be had well before the marriage. A marriage could mean 2 totally different things to each of you, and you want to make sure your on the same page, or can get on the same page. Miss Glitter, your doing the right thing, and as long as you and FH commit to your commitment, you will be meeting your grandbabies together before you know it.
umm that should have been (til I was 8…
sorry all!
Sorry I’m late to join my OWN conversation!! Yikes, I think I’ve spaced out due to holiday fever! Anyway, thank you all for your responses to this post. Divorce isn’t the most comfortable topic to discuss - from both people who have dealt with it directly and those that haven’t. It’s nice that we can exchange our personal experiences openly about something that wouldn’t exactly be the first or most popular topic on a wedding website. Thanks, ladies - you are the best!
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Mrs. Glitter, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 27, Research Consultant/Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Accounting
Engagement Date: May 6, 2007
Wedding Date: June, 2009
Venue: Millenium Biltmore Hotel
About Me: I was born and raised in West Los Angeles, California. I spent eight years in the Northeast working and completing my education. Having split time between two sides of the country has given me a true appreciation for both coasts. It has also provided an overabundance of cross country drives, flights and long distance relationship fun/misery! I love my family, my doggy Emma, fabulous wine, Anthropologie, politics, reading, being outdoors, exploring new cities, and good movies! My fiance and I are complete opposites, but somehow we have managed to fall completely and hopelessly in love.
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