Wedding Blog
This post is somewhat personal, but I figure if I am sharing not only my wedding planning experiences with you, but also some details of our relationship, I should talk a little bit about our pasts.
I mentioned briefly in a previous post that Mr. Quiche has been married before. I don’t want to delve into the details of his previous relationship, and feel I wouldn’t give a very unbiased view of things. 
They were married for a few years, and suffice it to say, it didn’t work out. They also have 2 children. He has been divorced for over 6 years.
When we first started dating, it didn’t really bother me.We were friends for a while before we started dating, so there really was nothing to “hide”. I guess you could say, on the surface, I knew what I was getting myself into, but it really is so much more that just that. Relationships are hard enough as it is, let alone throwing in two kids and an ex-wife. Priorities are different. Dynamics change. Sometimes, I was a pretty selfish girlfriend, and that just does not work when there are little ones to consider. There were times when I would get upset because I felt like the kids were taking time away from Mr. Quiche and I being together (I know, it’s horrible, but I am just being honest). I would get annoyed and resentful. Especially when it came to his ex-wife.
Talking to my mom was so helpful, as she told me to relax and just ENJOY the time we have with them. They are only little once, so why get bent out of shape when you can be having fun?
It was the first time I’d ever dated anyone with kids and it wasn’t (and still isn’t, as anyone with kids knows!) always easy, but we have all managed to raise two pretty great kids. We are to the point where neither one of them remembers me NOT being there, as A was 4 and J was 2 when we first started dating. His ex-wife and I actually get along very well. We all see each other or are together quite a bit, so it is just easier to get along… or if I’m in a bad mood, to fake it. 
It makes Mr. Quiche’s life a lot easier, and that is what is important to me.
While there are low times when I wish that we didn’t have to “deal” with all of this, I love Mr. Quiche (and everything that comes with him) more than anything in this world. We are so close and genuinely enjoy spending our time and lives together. I can’t imagine going through my days and nights with anyone else. We’ve made the decision to do this together and we are committed to doing the best we can for the two of us and our new family.
My darling Theodore and I at our friends wedding in the Tuscan countryside (talk about an amazing wedding!)
Are you or your fiancé entering into your second marriage? What have you found to be the hardest part of it, and how do you deal with it?
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Share this post: For 1, It’s Wedding Round 2
I don’t have any experience/advice with this, but I give you mad props for writing such a thoughtful and important post!
I have a daughter and my husband was previously married with two children and it IS difficult sometimes. And it’s totally normal to have the feeling of the kids “taking away time”. It happens with us a lot but sometimes love doesn’t come easy, but it will all work out
Kudos to you. I know I would definitely have a hard time sharing my guy with an ex… Thanks for bringing this up!
I can sympathize with you on the 2nd marriage part. My boyfriend and I are talking about getting engaged, but he’s been married before. So he isn’t into the whole wedding thing since he’s already had that before, but I never have and would like all the things that go along with getting engaged and getting married. It’s hard to even get excited about this stage in our lives because it doesn’t seem special to him like it does to me.
I really appreciate your post! Committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life isn’t about just accepting all the great things about them, it’s also about accepting the not so great things about them too. ( not saying his kids aren’t great ) But it’s hard sometimes when things aren’t exactly how you envisioned them to be.
This is my first marriage, the second for my fiance. His first marriage did not end amicably, and he no longer has contact with his former wife. Luckily for me, there were no children, so I don’t have the same obstacles. Mine are more in-law/family-oriented issues. Like, sometimes I feel like his family doesn’t take our wedding seriously or think that it’s important because it’s his “second wedding”. For instance….despite having a TWO YEAR engagement, his sister told him she probably won’t be “able to” make the flight to be with us at the wedding. Little things like that hurt my feelings a bit, but I try not to let them get me too down.
I also don’t have any experience first had here, but i’d assume the whole projecting one’s past definitely can come to play here… as well as projecting your assumptions/presumptions.. It’s so hard not to react, and just act… but its a motto i try to live by… Actions and not Reactions… that way i stay true to myself!
Great post! I appreciate your candor!
Like Mrs. Coconut experience/advise, I just want to sad kudos for posting on a difficult topic and YAY for making it work
My husband has two kids, both of whom were in high school when we started dating. He had sole custody - his ex had some visitation, but mostly failed to come through. She also paid him child support.
It is hard to date someone with kids. Partly because you’re not often just dating that person - you have the kids to consider, even if they aren’t physically there. Also, in our case, my husband admits that he had been in single-parent mode so long (5 years before we started dating) that it was really hard for him to figure out how to act like a boyfriend. Especially at first, he had a really difficult time treating me like a girlfriend if the kids were around. And since they lived with him, that meant we only really interacted as GF-BF when we were out on a date. Under those circumstances, it’s hard not to feel like any time that the kids get is time that you don’t get.
It was even harder when they all moved into my house - just before the wedding. For everyone who has posted about working out issues with their new husband about his bachelor housekeeping habits - now imagine that there are two teenagers as well, who have also been trained that a sink full of dirty dishes or clothes all over the floor is normal, or that you don’t have to wipe something up when you spill it on the couch or the carpet.
It has all worked out well, although it hasn’t been easy. I’m fortunate that DH always remembers that they only had to get used to living with me - whereas I had to get used to all three of them. I actually have thought it might have been easier if they were much younger - although certainly it would have been a much longer commitment. They are both in college now, although one of them is going to the local community college and so still lives at home.
As far as the ex - luckily, we have hardly any interaction with her. I don’t have to figure out how to be nice to her, because it’s not like she actually shows up for the kids’ activities. My main problem ends up being dealing with the fallout when she promises them something and fails to come through. Nice.
My fiance has also been married before and has a daughter from that first marriage. They’ve been divorced for a few years, and I have to say I totally understand where you’re coming from, with all of it. My soon-to-be stepdaughter is an awesome kid, which always helps, but still… The upside is that my fiance is embracing the second wedding even though they had a big first wedding - probably twice the size as ours will be.
I really do think that your love HAS to be strong for a realtionship with step children to work out. It’s not easy to try and raise someone else’s kids-at any age. I think it shows a true selflessness to not only commit to marrying your future husband/wife, but to their children as well.
Thanks for sharing your experience and be so honest. You obviously are a wonderful woman who gets to not only be a wife but also a mother.
Mad props to you, I really don’t know if I could do it…you are one brave lady!
Thanks everyone I know there are a lot of people in the same situation, and just thought I’d offer up my take on it.
@Kat: We dealt with the same thing as well. But once Mr. Quiche realized that this is going to be my first (& only!) wedding, he started to come around. He realized that the two relationships are completely separate, and I shouldn’t have to make wedding sacrifices because he was married before. Try getting him to see it that way. I hope it helps!
@Pixi: That’s great! That is how it should be.
@Suzanno: Yes, I always thought it would be more difficult if they were older - so good for you for making it all work! How sad to have to play the part of picking up the pieces when she doesn’t follow through. That has to be hard for everyone! Thanks for sharing your story
My husband has twin teenage boys from a previous relationship. We included them in the wedding by acknowledging my new role as a step parent and presenting them with presents. It was a really wonderful addition to the wedding ceremony.
Thank you for bringing this subject up!
Thanks for sharing! As someone who will become a stepmom as well, I hear you.
I’m in a similar situation, as she was 3 when we started dating and will only remember me being in her life. They share custody, but they were never married. So this will be a first for both of us. I would love to hear how you are incorporating the kids into the wedding, we’re still trying to figure it out. Some are suggesting to make her a junior bridesmaid (she’s 5). It’s just not a big enough role or part of the ceremony enough for us. She is a big part of our family and I want her included more. We’re just not sure what that is yet.
Thanks for the honest post! Congrats to all five of you for making it work.
While it’s *not at all* the same, I had a micro-dose of what it would be like to date a man with children when I met my DH. He has a dog (see, totally not the same as children) that WAS his family. I was shocked by how jealous or frustrated I would get with adjusting to having another being in the relationship. We struggled with discipline, schedules, etc. And there wasn’t even an ex-wife! I realized that dating a man with children would be like that - squared, or maybe cubed. Made me really appreciate step-mothers!!!!
Great post, Miss Quiche! Cheers to all of you for finding ways to make it work.
I heart you for your honesty! Mr Quiche is a lucky guy (but he probably already knows that).
I totally know where you’re coming from. While Mr. Sushi wasn’t married before, he does have a baby’s mama. While I’m sure it’s difficult to be a single parent, sometimes people don’t realize how hard it is to date the single parent. You don’t really have much (if any) say when it comes to the kid or the baby mama drama, but yet it effects you too.
Wow, I’m glad you’re here. My fiance has been married before. It’s amazing the sort of baggage that comes from being married before. Of course we all have baggage, but marrying someone who has been married before, in my case, takes a lot of patience and consideration. Thanks for your honesty!
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Mrs. Quiche, Chicago/Montego Bay
Age and Occupation: 28, Interior Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 42, Telecom Guru
Engagement Date: July 2, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Venue: Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
About Me: I love Chicago and can’t imagine living anywhere else (Well, except Paris. Or anywhere in France, for that matter!). I’m a full-time worker, part-time student, soon-to-be-step-mom, indie music lovin’, architecture and design fanatic, macaroni and cheese addict, vegetarian, Francophile, Ohio State football obsessed, wedding planning girl. Mr. Quiche and I are “Partners-in-Crime” and cannot wait to celebrate our marriage surrounded by our family and closest friends. I plan on DIYing my little heart out (or as much as a suitcase to Jamaica will hold).
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