Wedding Blog

I have quite a conundrum about inviting a member of my family to our wedding (In September!!!!). There is quite a bit of back-story, some of which I’ll go into, some of which I won’t.

I’m talking about my half/step brother, referred to as JR from here on out. He is my Dad’s son and up until my father passed away we were on OK terms. He’s never been my favorite person in the world based on his personal choices but I’ve tried not to hold those against him. In May our Dad passed away. There is a LONG story about what happened then but all that needs to be said is that instead of spending what little time was left with Dad, he left the hospital to go to a bar (no worries about my Dad, my Mom was there with him). When he came back, Dad had passed and JR didn’t even seem to care. This is something I just can’t get past. I was out of town at a wedding and received a call from my Mom at 9:30PM saying he passed; my FI and I only got to my parents’ house at 11:00 PM. I wish I could have seen my Dad one last time, but that’s neither here nor there.

Besides the above, JR is insensitive, rude, obnoxious, and a drunk. He has 3 children who are out of control and also obnoxious and rude. Knowing my brother he will be drunk before the ceremony starts (and may even drive to the wedding drunk). He also smokes and I’m afraid he’ll burn our venue down (we’re getting married at an outdoor location located DEEP in the Catoctin Mountains). To put it another way, he and his family have no respect for property.

My other brother, BW, said that if JR gets out of control he’ll throw him out, which I appreciate but I know would just cause a scene. I don’t want to have to ask the bartender to cut him off at 1, and I don’t want to have him escorted off the premises.

My question to the hive is: Should I still invite him?

I think he’ll end up stressing me out, and embarrassing me. My FI says it’s up to me but that he thinks it’s easier to invite him and deal with the repercussions whereas I think it’s easier to lie to him afterwards.

After talking with a friend, he said to not invite him and save myself the stress.

Neither answer puts me at peace and I could use some insight from the fabulous members of the hive.

grumpybear722

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Dear grumpybear722,

You said you’re not close at all, and the wedding sounds like it’s far away from home: Given this, what are the odds of him coming at all even if you do invite him?

If you think there’s a good chance he will come, perhaps you could invite him but make the invitation as (legitimately) unappealing as possible. In the least, you could invite JR but specify no children. It’s one thing to babysit a grown person who’s out of control and another to babysit both that person and his three out-of-control children.  Maybe he will be offended at the no-kids proviso and none of them will come as a result.

Aside from the wedding question though, please don’t hold JR’s reaction to your father’s death against him. People deal with grief in myriad ways, and not all of them will make sense to the outside observer. Just because he appeared or still appears not to care does not mean that’s how he feels on the inside. Shock, denial, self-isolation, and drinking to self-medicate are common reactions to grief. The process is different for everyone and his destructive lifestyle will not be making the process go any faster or easier for him. Regardless of whether you invite him, I hope that helps you understand JR a little better. Good luck.

chelseamorning

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